Naruto: A Cliche Parody
by NarutosBrat
Summary: This is a parody of all the most cliche plotlines in fanfiction that I can fit in to this story.  Rated M for consistency.
1. Discovery

**Disclaimer: Kishimoto isn't sick enough to think half the shit I plan to put in this story. And even if he was, he wouldn't actually do it.**

Warning: There likely will be plot holes because of the nature of the story, so either just go with them, or ignore them, it's up to you, just don't complain, because I know they're there, and don't plan on correcting them. My plotholes have a purpose...they allow me to do things without having to explain them later; and will likely be mentioned in the story gratuitously. Accept the plothole, embrace the plothole. I also feel I should warn you that I don't have very high hopes for this story because I'm not taking it seriously, so if you complain, you're waisting your time.

Warning: There will be major, and blatant, abuse of the fourth wall.

The Fourth Wall doesn't allow him to do whatever he wants, but it allows him to tip situation heavily in his favor without making things too easy. He also finds that his fourth wall companion can only make a certain number of changes per arc (2-5 depending on length).

Oh, and for the people who are retarded enough to actually flame this story, even after all the warnings, then at least have the balls to own up to it. Don't send an anonymous flame, it's for sissies.

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Chapter 1- Discovery

Naruto sat up with a groan, clutching his aching head. Last thing he remembered, was fighting against Sasuke, being on the verge of winning, and being stabbed in the back, both figuratively and literally (with a needle holding a strong sedative), by Sakura in an attempt to curry favor with Sasuke. Just before darkness took him, he could remember seeing a golden beam coming from Sasuke's hand, going through her heart, and hearing him call her pathetic.

After that, all he had were flashes of a cave, Akatsuki cloaks, some guy that looked like an even prettier version of Sasuke standing next to the bastard, the fox calling someone a red eyed geriatric, and then Kyuubi mumbling about do-overs. Naruto suddenly paused when he thought over the flashes, and tried to make something of them. Kyuubi? Calling someone a geriatric? Now that's a pot and kettle moment if there ever was one.

Taking in his surroundings, Naruto found himself in what appeared to be a massive white waiting room. There were people milling about, some that looked like they might be from the Elemental Countries, and some that looked far too bizarre to be from anywhere near anyplace he knew. Standing on shakey legs, he stood, and decided to get some answers. Heading over to one of the desks, he rapped on the window to get the woman's attention. The woman seemed to ignore him, and just as he was about to knock harder, she stood, and vacated her seat. Naruto groaned in annoyance, his head sagging to hide his features.

"Excuse me?" Naruto lifted his head, and came face to face with a busty woman that reminded him of that pretty blonde from Kumo. "Take a number, and a time travel specialist will be right with you, dear." Trying not to stare at her rather generous bust (which was currently flashing more cleavage than the Mizukage and Tsunade-baachan combined), Naruto took a number, and found that it was in the way upper millions. Glancing over, he saw a sign that said, 'Now Serving #1,506'. He was going to be awhile.

'_Now the giant flea shelter's comment about do overs makes more sense._' Moving over to a couch near a table that had several magazines and manga, Naruto sat heavily with a sigh, and prepared to wait. Next to him, a small red fox hopped up onto his shoulder, took a look at his number, and groaned.

"And here I thought they'd have gotten some faster employees after that last incident." Shrugging, it added. "Well, best get comfortable, you're going to be here awhile."

"What do you mean, last incident?" Naruto asked. "You've been here before?"

"Of course, I'm the all mighty Kyuubi, I can travel back in time anytime I want." It replied. '_You've been here too, brat, but you just don't remember it. Glad I fixed that little issue with the jutsu. My chakra mixing with his was also what kept us connected, and was why I kept getting sent back with him; and since he's 'taken control' of it, that connection is finally severed. With me not attached to him, hopefully I can get sent somewhere more interesting._' Little did the fox know that he was definitely going to be sent somewhere interesting. As a matter of fact, he was soon to be headed to Feudal Japan, where he'd be spending a lot of time with a certain dog hanyou, the bitchy re-incarnation of a sexy priestess, a perverted monk, and a kunoichi with sibling issues.

Finally glancing at the table for something to do, Naruto looked down to find a manga with his picture on it. Picking it up in curiosity, he opened to a random page, and began to read, only to drop the book when he found the details of his mission to Wave so detailed in the book.

"Excuse me," He called. "What the hell is this?"

"Grr, Melvin, you idiot." A young man said to himself, as he had a manga shoved in his face by the very person on the front of the book. If there was one thing that had been drilled into them, it was that manga with characters capable of high level time travel were never to find manga about themselves in the waiting rooms, because it would make the standard memory adjustments during the send back process completely useless. "Well, it's too late now. I'll just have to make sure that Melvin knows to alert the proper people about his screw up."

The man began to promptly tell him all about his life, compliment him on all of his accomplishments, and even went on a rant about how Sasuke was a bastard that didn't deserve to be saved, and Sakura wasn't worth his time. Considering the former had betrayed the village out of jealousy, and the latter had eventually been tricked into betraying him out of some misplaced 'love', only to be murdered after she'd helped Sasuke-teme severely weaken him, he didn't need to be told. Eventually, the young man began going on about fanfiction, and even showed him to a computer where he could find some. Naruto was shown a popular fanfiction site, as well as a site that allowed one to read the entire Naruto series.

After what felt like months, and after reading the entire "Naruto" series (which he found differed in several places from what he remembered) and numerous fanfiction- his favorite authors being NarutosBrat (because the guy got him laid pretty often, and with hot kunoichi), Sarah1281 (because she was funny as all hell), MountainWind (he'd gotten him laid with Hinata, Tenten, two hot Oc's, and Tsunade; three of them all at once) and DsirinWsdm (the guy was just good)- Naruto finally had some semblance of what he was going to do when he went back. He was going to take a page out of the Crackfic genre, and have some fun. Konoha Beware!

First though, he needed to have something of a failsafe so that he didn't accidentally screw something up. He wouldn't be able to have any fun if he changed a bunch of major things, and lost his advantage. Getting onto the computer in the waiting room, he took the set of instructions from the tech guy, and typed them into the computer, creating the editing file that he needed. Once he was done, he copied the url, and opened a search engine. A quick trip to ff . net, an even quicker sign in, and a visit to his favorites page got him the user profile he wanted.

888

Out beyond the fourth wall...

...a certain fanfiction author, we'll call him NarutosBrat for now, was checking his e-mail, when he noticed that he had a PM from someone named therealnaruto. Opening the e-mail, he fund a rather interesting note. The note revealed that the sender was Naruto Uzumaki from Konoha, NB snickered at the silly person who would go so far in his imagination, and that he was in need of help. There was also a link in the message that would supposedly explain everything. NB naturally didn't trust links like that, but given that it would be fairly easy to report the profile from another computer should it be spam or a virus, NB clicks on the link. Almost as soon as he clicks it, something begins downloading onto his computer. When the download finished, a window popped up, and he had to stop himself from going into a convulsive twitch. There, on his screen, was a guy, who exactly resembled what he remembered a sixteen year old Naruto Uzumaki to look like, sitting in a waiting room.

"Okay, this is fucking freaky." NB said, staring in shock at the young man. He'd seen cosplayers before, but this was insanely accurate to the point of impossible. Not to mention, he didn't think a cosplayer could pull off the cartoon look.

"Hey, NarutosBrat," The man nodded. "Glad you came through, I don't think I have enough time to send this message to someone else. Now if you can see me, then it means the connection was a success." Naruto explained. "What has happened, is that Kyuubi has used a space time jutsu to send us back in time. Because of certain other events, I have become aware of the fourth wall; and you are going to be my connection to the other side. By clicking on the link, you're now connected to a seal the fox helped me create that will allow us to communicate, and you to make changes when I get back. With your help, I plan to make things interesting, like in crackfics, and prevent certain people from succombing to certain severe bouts of stupidity. The little box in the bottom right corner of your screen, is where you will help me make the changes for things; think of it like a fanfiction that you're helping one of the characters write. Just click on the 'help' button for further instructions. Now my number is almost up, and I need you to send me back to a specific time."

"Now serving number 987,654,321." The busty clerk called.

"Alright, I'm up, let's go to work." Naruto walked up to the desk, and whispered. "I sent you a pm telling you what I want done first, so don't forget." As the little window went blank, NB stared for a moment more, before opening the help menu, and checking the first of the changes Naruto wanted to make. After all, it wasn't the wierdest thing to ever happen to him, and given some of the stories he'd written and posted, and some of the ideas he still had for others...well this was technically normal. After a few moments, a sudden sinister smile crossed his face...this could be fun.

888

7 years before Intended Arrival Day (IAD)...

As soon as Naruto arrived, he was forced to hide. He'd forgotten to give more specific instructions on when and where he'd wanted to arrive not knowing the exact date, just that it was on Hinata's birthday (which he was ashamed to admit that he didn't know), so NB had sent him back to his own apartment nearly a week before. Unfortunately, this was also the same day that his new apartment had been vandalized by a bunch of crazy villagers. Applying a quick Henge, Naruto slipped through the crowd of vandals, knocking one particular one over that was attempting to set fire to some of his things.

"Hey ninja-san, are we supposed ta be burning stuff." He asked, holding up the lighter the man had. The ninja took one look at the lighter, and the man responsible, before motioning for two other people there to escort him out of the building. Naruto was surprised at that. Smashing his stuff was okay, but burning it was wrong? Then again, he had heard about a guy being arrested a few days later for arsen. Anyway, Naruto slipped out of the apartment, and headed out into the village.

After a few hours of subtle questioning, he'd found out that the fighting between Kumo and Konoha shinobi had finally ceased, and that a delagation would be coming to sign a treaty in four days.

'_Great, I've got four days to kill._' Naruto thought. '_Hmm, I wonder if I can prank the Uchiha one time really good before my other appointment._'

888

It was getting harder each day to avoid the merger that the continuum wanted to force with two Narutos living in the same time and universe. He knew that he should merge, his bodily instincts were telling him to merge, but it wasn't something that he could do just yet, it wasn't time. The seal he'd placed on himself (he grudgingly had to thank the fox for that) helped, but it wasn't going to hold for much longer. Luckily for him, today was the day he'd been waiting for. The day when he would fix one of the more annoying problems he'd have to deal with. Naruto walked through the forest whistling a jaunty little tune he'd learned from the Kyuubi; Pop Goes the Weasel was rather fitting for what he planned to do. As he felt the chakra signature approaching, he began to hum.

"Dum da dum da da da da dum, da dum da dum da dum dum, dum da dum da da da da dum-" Naruto balled his hand into a tight fist. THOOMP! "-goes Ita-chi." Naruto sang as he slammed his fist into the man's gut, knocking the air from his lungs.

The man dropped the bag that carried Hinata as all the air he thought he owned left in an instant. A swift chop to the neck, and he was out like a light. Naruto then swiftly used his Shapeshift jutsu- Kyuubi's pride wouldn't allow him to call his upgraded Henge a transformation- to change into his four year old self. Naruto strolled over, and freed Hinata, grinning at the frightened girl. "Hiya, I'm Naruto, yer purty." To his shock and surprise, Hinata flew into his arms, sobbing and clutching him tightly. It was about this time that Hiashi Hyuuga came upon the scene, finding his daughter clutching to the village pariah as if her life depended on it, and the man who'd kidnapped her laying unconscious on the ground. He was tempted to kill the man for this insult, but decided that since he was already incapacitated, it would be best to hand him over to the Anbu that his brother had summoned.

Naruto noticed the man, and pulling Hinata away from him, pointed her to the direction of her father. Hiashi found himself suddenly holding onto his daughter's crying form (though he was inwardly impressed with the strength she was holding onto his leg). He gave a sad sigh, before looking up at the boy that had undoubtedly rescued is daughter, only to find he'd disappeared. What Hiashi didn't know, was that Naruto had released the seal, and NB had restarted the time travel process. Because of the pit stop, Naruto wouldn't be able to go back as far as he wanted, but he should be able to go back to just after he'd failed the Academy Exam, and take care of a few problems.

What Naruto didn't realize, was that his actions would have further reaching effects than he'd planned. Nothing serious, but something that would definitely be beneficial to him in the future. The incident allowed Konoha to gain another concession out of the treaty; namely one of their Jinchuuriki teaching Naruto how to control the Kyuubi's power once he learned of the burden.

888

Well, here's the start of something that will probably have more flames than the Chicago Fire of 1871.

Because this is just going to be a ridiculous cliche bashing story, feel free to add comments, or send ideas (especially for the many Shunshins of Naruto). If their good, they may make an appearance if we can spin them enough. You will be credited at the beginning for your contributions, so join the fun, and help make this thing as insane as it can be.


	2. One violation deserves another

**Disclaimer: Unless someone knows something I don't, I'm pretty sure I don't own Naruto.**

A/N: Don't expect updates this fast. It only happened because I wrote the first two chapters before I decided to post.

Pre Wave Mini arc

Changes

1. Bloodline

2. make Kyuubi not an evil dick (not actually shown, but will be implied next chapter)

888

A violation of trust deserves one in return

888

Naruto arrived at probably one of the most inopportune times he could have...hanging from some, admittedly now, thin ropes in front of the Yondaime's face with a paint brush in hand. He'd have liked to have gone back further, but at least this would still give him a chance to take another crack at that bastard Mizuki. He couldn't wait to see the look on that bastard's face when he passed his exam. With a grin on his face, Naruto tossed the paint can down into the crowd of people, then made the handseal for the Shunshin...before realizing that he wasn't supposed to know that jutsu yet. If that many people, and several of them were shinobi who'd recognize the technique, saw him use that technique, it could land him in trouble, as well as having him brought forth to answer questions he'd rather not. Grabbing onto the ropes, Naruto began climbing back up, just as he heard Iruka yell out.

'_Shit, busted._'

888

Naruto sat on the floor of the Academy classroom, again tied up, and cursing the forced deja-vu. He petulantly listened to Iruka's rant about him failing the graduation exam twice already, never realizing that he was practically replaying the same scene almost to the letter, but for different reasons. It wasn't until Iruka yelled for everyone to line up for a Henge test, did Naruto really start to pay attention.

As Naruto waited in line for his turn, he was having a fierce internal debate.

'_To Oiroke or not to Oiroke, that is the question._' Naruto thought sagely. '_Hmm, that sounded familiar, but I can't seem to place it for some reason._'

"It's Shakespeare, doofus." A voice in his head said. "And I think you should definitely Oiroke, only make it better. Oiroke into Iruka."

Iruka noticed the rather devious grin on Naruto's face, and while he didn't know why, he became incredibly fearful of the blond. Knowing there was nothing for it, he called the blond to the front, and awaited Naruto's performance. Placing his hands in the seal for transformation, Naruto called upon his chakra...which was far more than an E-rank Genjutsu/Ninjutsu hybrid required. Was it his fault that he'd missed the lecture that explained that Henge was a Genjutsu/Ninjutsu hybrid, and not a full on Ninjutsu? No, it was the fault of the boy who'd hit him in the face with a spitball, and when he reacted in shock, it was the bigoted teacher's fault for tossing him out for disruption without even trying to find out what really happened. Thankfully for everyone's sense of justice, both the culprit and the teacher found themselves spending a lot of time on the toilet the next day...without toilet paper.

Anyway, as I was saying before, Naruto called upon more chakra than he needed for the jutsu. You know, one would think that given everything, he'd have learned at some point to properly perform the jutsu, especially when Tsunade and Jiraiya found out that his Henge wasn't normal...and I'm rambling again. Sorry, back to the story.

With a cry of Henge, Naruto performed the jutsu. The figure that emerged from the smoke both shocked (in a good way) and horrified Iruka. There, standing in front of him, was himself...only as an extremely sexy woman. From the hairstyle, the height, the similar, but more slight build, even to his facial scar, everything was there, and added to it was an hourglass figure, a very pleasant bust of a very nice size, wide, round hips, and from what he could see, likely a very plump, firm behind as well. Poor Iruka would be traumatized when the fact that he'd gotten a rocket nosebleed from seeing himself as a naked woman finally registered later that evening.

Naruto had just turned back when Iruka hopped back to his feet, and one Big Head no Jutsu later, Naruto had been chastised for creating, as Iruka put it, 'Stupid Skills'. And yes, you could tell from his tone that the two words were indeed capitalized. Things after that continued the same as they had before, with Naruto grumbling at the fact that he couldn't use the Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu to help clean the mess. Again, that would bring about unwanted questions. While he planned to use the jutsu for his graduation exam, that could be played off as that being how he'd been taught to use the jutsu, which wasn't far from the truth.

888

The next day found Naruto sitting in the back of the room awaiting his turn to take the exam. He was ready this time around, and wasn't bothered in the least about the Bunshin being on the test. When Hinata, who gave him a look of worry when the exam was announced, caught his eye, Naruto merely winked at her, causing her to look away rapidly, and her face to redden. Naruto had to admit, Hinata was rather adorable when she blushed. Naruto's mind wandered back to his previous life, and the woman that she'd blossomed into, and Naruto couldn't help wondering how stupid he'd been ignoring her for Sakura.

'_Yeah, not this time around, that was for sure._' Naruto thought. '_Although, I should probably wait until after training with Ero-Sennin, because dating her right now would make me feel like my pervert teacher...a dirty old man._'

It was nearly a half hour later when Naruto heard his name called. Standing from his seat, Naruto headed down the stairs in the classroom, passing closely by Hinata, and brushing against her shoulder. Hearing the girl squeak in surprise- and he just knew her face was beet red- Naruto grinned, and made for the next room.

"Alright Naruto, create three Bunshin, and you'll finally pass." Iruka said. Naruto gave a confident grin, put his hand in the cross ram seal, and while performing his signature technique, called out.

"Bunshin no Jutsu!" Much like his Bunshin, the Kage Bunshin that formed was just as useless. '_What, why didn't that work?_'

"I'm sorry, Naruto, but you fail...again." Iruka said, his face filled with remorse.

"Aww, come on Iruka-sensei, I could do it the last time I tried it." Which was true, even if he hadn't used the jutsu since coming back.

"Give him a break, Iruka-sensei." Mizuki said. "It's his third time, and he did technically create a clone."

"I'm sorry, Mizuki, but it wouldn't be fair to the others." Iruka said. "Everyone else divided into three, and all Naruto managed to create was a single clone, and even that clone was useless. I cant let him pass."

As soon as he left the exam room, he went back into the classroom, grabbed a piece of chalk from the board, began going over his seal knowledge, because that was one of his biggest assets later, even as limited as it was. Naruto ignored the looks he was getting from the other members of his class, especially the ones who could partially see what it was he was writing on the board. To his surprise, his technique, and memory was flawless. Quickly erasing the board, he went to an open window, and tried to perform a simple Endan. Again, nothing happened. '_Hmm, so anything with mostly theoretical application, like seals, I can still do; but physical things like my jutsu, I can't. Damn it, that means all of my hard earned chakra control is gone again._'

Face distraught at the last thought, Naruto exited the classroom, then the building, then headed over to the small playground, and took up his seat on the swing.

"So, I noticed that you're having some trouble with your jutsu." NB's voice sounded in his head.

'_Is that a part of the time travel?_' Naruto thought back. '_Or are you pranking me by making me learn everything over?_'

"That's part of the time travel." NB said. "You weren't even supposed to come back with your memories of the future, but that would kind of ruin the fun if that happened, right."

'_That's true. So I have to relearn everything I knew?_' Naruto asked, annoyed.

"Yes and no." NB said. "I was able to alter some things so you wouldn't have to start completely over. As you probably noticed with the Fuinjutsu, you have all the theory knowledge you had from before, but you have to reteach your body to perform the nin and taijutsu you haven't learned yet in canon...though only if you want access to it before you're supposed to learn it. After that, it'll be just like before. You're also the same power level- you know, strength, speed, chakra, etc.- as your previous canon self, since it didn't return with you, but since you're still knowledgable of your future training methods, you can use those to help speed up the process this time."

'_Thank god for the Fourth Wall._' Naruto said, rubbing his hands together. '_I can't wait to have some fun with that._'

"About that, I gave you some restrictions regarding the Fourth Wall. Only a certain amount of changes per arc, although I might interfere if needed." In his mind, he added. '_With the exception of certain extremely cheating- even by ninja standards- members of the Akatsuki._'

'_Wha- I can't believe that you gave me restrictions._' Naruto raged to NB.

"Just because you have a large amount of influence on things now, doesn't make you a Kami. Besides, it'll attract suspicion if people think you're suddenly too strong after being a dunce for most of your shinobi life."

Naruto couldn't deny that. He certainly didn't want to attract more negative attention from the fangirls and villagers for being better and stronger than Sasuke. Nor did he want to attract the interest of that creepy bastard Danzo. Sure the guy loved Konoha, and was extremely loyal, but Naruto didn't like his methods of operation.

"Also, I want to make sure that you don't get reliant on this like certain bastards got reliant on their bloodlines." Naruto grumbled, but acknowledged the point. He just had to bring up that bastard to win an argument. "Besides, the restrictions make it interesting, and the changes should mostly be used for emergencies. As I said, it'll help teach you some responsibility and wise decision making. You'll need that when you become Hokage."

'_Great, I had to pick the one fucking author who wants me to learn life lessons while I'm having fun._' Naruto grumbled. '_I knew I should have went with SilverFang or Sketchfan. They'd have let me do what I want._'

"Yeah, but would they have been able to come up with some of the stuff that we plan on doing later?"

'_Well no, but that's only because they're normal, sane people, and you're a sick, twisted bastard._'

"Hey, this sick, twisted bastard got you laid." NB argued. "And with several girls I know you wanted to, as well."

'_True, but you also made me do my mom and Hinata's little sister._'

"Feh, your mom is hot, and fifty bucks says Hinata's sister wants to do you by the time she turns sixteen. Another twenty says she pursues you if you're still single. And another twenty after that says she shares you with Hinata if she's still single."

Naruto decided not to comment on that, as the only versions of Hanabi he knew, and had seen, were the 'precoscious' seven year old, and the 'too grown up for her own good' ten year old. Naruto was just about to ask about (something), when he was interrupted from his thoughts by Mizuki.

As he sat on the roof of his apartment with Mizuki, Naruto mostly ignored the man's ramblings about Iruka. He was telling Naruto things about his father figure that he already knew, and it was almost insulting for Mizuki to think he was more knowledgable about Iruka than he himself was. It wasn't until Mizuki mentioned that there was another, secret graduation test did Naruto actually listen to him.

It was another ten minutes before we found Naruto sneaking through the Hokage's home. Even with all of a Jounin's skill in stealth, it was damn near impossible to sneak up on the old man. While this wasn't the case with Naruto, there was still something nostalgic about hitting his Jiji with the Oiroke.

"Naruto, what are you doing in my home?" Hands in the seal for his 'Not Henge', Naruto called.

"Oiroke no Jutsu, Tsunade Centerfold."

When the smoke cleared away, there standing before the Sandaime was the form of his very busty female student...naked. Like a daughter she may be to him, Sarutobi was still a man who could appreciate the physical attributes of the beautiful woman that she grew into. The next few seconds found the venerable Hokage known as the Professor laying on the ground, a blood splatter on the wall, and a small puddle dripping from his nose. Further sneaking found Naruto the Forbidden Scroll, and after strapping it over his back, he climbed out a window, and took off to place Mizuki had told him he was to meet his examiner.

Once he arrived, Naruto opened the scroll, and began to read the instructions for his favorite jutsu. This time, he takes the time to fully peruse the jutsus instructions, before performing the jutsu. After he'd finished, and realized just how awesome, and how much potential the jutsu had in his hands, Naruto formed the familiar seal. Hoping that it worked, he gathered his chakra, and tried to create ten Kage Bunshin. He got thirteen.

"Oh well, at least it works now." Naruto said. "I'll just have to work on my chakra control."

He was about to roll the scroll back up, before a sudden thought struck him. He had the time, he may as well learn another jutsu. A quick perusal found another interesting technique, the Bunshin Bakuha. Knowing that trying to learn that techinique at the moment, and the numerous explosions that would result, would bring about his discovery faster than he could learn it. Creating a few Kage Bunshin, he had one Henge into a blank scroll, and another Henge into an ink pot. He then copied the instructions for the Bunshin Bakuha. Once he was done, he handed everything to one of the extra clones that had come, and told him to head back to the apartment and copy it on a real scroll.

"And make sure the inkpot isn't dispelled before you finish, or the ink will disappear too." Naruto told the clone. Nodding, the clone hopped away to his assigned task. After that had been taken care of, naruto opened the scroll even further, and began studying the last technique on the scroll...the one detailing the jutsu that sealed the fox inside him until the others arrived.

Now since I'm sure everyone reading this is pretty much familiar with what happens next, I won't bother you with the details. With the exception of Naruto not reacting to being told he was Kyuubi, nothing really changed. It wasn't until Mizuki had Iruka cornered that things got interesting.

"I had planned to kill you later, but I've changed my mind." Mizuki said, spinning his giant shuriken. "Just die." As the Chuunin charged, Iruka gave a slight smirk, ready to face his death. He knew that Mizuki wouldn't get the scroll. Naruto was better at evading people than most of the ninja in the village. Two meters from death, a shadow intervened, kneeing Mizuki in the chin. As Mizuki was knocked backwards from the strength of the blow, the shuriken flew off into the woods, lodging into the chest of the surprised Root ninja who'd been spying on the scene taking place. Struggling to his feet, Mizuki glared before growling.

"You shouldn't have done that." Naruto glared right back.

"Touch Iruka-sensei, and I'll kill you." And unlike the first time he'd said it, Naruto felt he could go through with it this time.

"You idiot, why'd you come back." Iruka shouted. "You should have just run away."

"Heh, a little punk like you, I'll kill you in one shot." Mizuki boasted.

"Not if I deal with you first." Naruto returned, bringing his hand into a very familiar seal. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" And suddenly, Mizuki wasn't feeling so bold anymore. There was orange all over the place. In the clearing, in the surrounding forest, up in the trees, everywhere.

"What's going on?"

"What's wrong, teme?" The Naruto's teased. "I thought you were going to kill me with one shot. Fine, if you're not going to..."

With that, an orange clad figure darted forward, and kneed Mizuki in the chin. Three more slid beneath him, and kicked him into the air, while a final clone springboarded off the first one's head into the air. With a triumphant yell, he performed the same move he'd used on Kiba in the Chuunin Exams. But Naruto wasn't quite done with Mizuki yet, oh no, that bastard had more coming for sabotaging his taijutsu education. While this was going on, all of the other clones had jumped into the air, and performed a mass Henge. What appeared was a giant pair of hands performing the tiger seal. This seal then began a rapid descent towards the ground, aiming directly for a particularly vulnerable spot that just so happened to be poking up in the air after Naruto's team attack.

Iruka gave a pained wince as the attack hit home, and vowed to castrate Kakashi on principle alone.

'_Sennin Goroshi._' He thought. '_I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, especially not the way Naruto just used it._'

"Hehe, oops." Naruto said, but his tone was completely unapologetic. And thus, Naruto once again graduated under suspicious circumstances.

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The next day, as Naruto was turning in his completed registration form, the meeting was interrupted by a small child barging into the room.

"Fight me, old man." The brat yelled, before tripping over his own, overly long scarf. Naruto sighed.

'_He's not even my apprentice yet, and he's already embarrassing me._' Naruto thought. The next moment, the boy jumped to his feet, looked around the room, and pointed at Naruto.

"You, you tripped me." He yelled. "You set up some kind of trap."

"Uh, no, you tripped over your scarf, or possibly your own feet."

"No way, it's your fault." Konohamaru yelled. "Just when I'd gotten the drop on him, and had him beat, you go and ruin things for me."

"You really think you can beat him?" Naruto asked, Konohamaru, already knowing the answer.

"Yup." Naruto couldn't help the snort of laughter that came.

"Let me put this into perspective for you runt." Sarutobi almost choked on his pipe hearing such a large word come from Naruto, but smiled knowing that he was at least smarter than he'd feared given the boy's poor academic performance. "I could beat you with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back. You could probably hold your breath for ten times the length of time it would take jiji to beat me. You haven't got a chance right now, so stop being stupid." The last four words were punctuated by Naruto bopping the kid on the skull, much like Sakura and Tsunade had been fond of doing to him. He then rounded on Ebisu. "And you!"

"Me?" The man asked pointing at himself.

"How dare you call yourself an elite tutor putting ideas like that in his head. There are no shortcuts to becoming Hokage, any ninja worth their shit knows that. If this is the kind of stuff you're going to be teaching kids, I hope you never make Jounin and get a Genin squad of your own. They'd end up getting themselves killed on a stinking D-rank with you leading them." So shocked was Ebisu at Naruto declaration, that he didn't notice that Naruto had walked up to him, until he felt a searing pain in his shin. "Dummy."

888

Walking down the streets of Konoha, Naruto couldn't help the growl that came from him.

"That fucking idiot is going to get those three killed, I just know it." Naruto raged. "Well screw this, I'm not letting that happen. I'm going to get myself promoted at the Chuunin Exams, and then I'm going to become a Jounin, so that I can get them as my own squad." Naruto suddenly felt something on the edge of his senses. '_Speak of the little devil._' Turning to the section of the fence where the wood ran horizontal instead of vertical, Naruto spoke. "Y'know, if you're going to use that technique, you should probably get the directions of the wood right." The curtain fell.

"Hah, I new you'd see through my disguise." Konohamaru said. "I'll make you my boss. With you teaching me, I'll defintely become the Hokage. So please teach me the Sexy Jutsu you used to defeat my grandpa."

"You remember what I said about there being no shortcuts to Hokage, right?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah boss, but making grandpa pass out with a nosebleed seems like it would be funny." The boy answered. Naruto found that he couldn't disagree there.

"Okay, I'll teach you." Naruto said. "Just don't do it too often. He's old, and you don't wanna accidentally hurt him too bad, right?" Konohamaru shook his head. "So how come you were so determined to defeat jiji, and becomes Hokage?"

"No one ever calls my by my name." Konohamaru grumbled. "Everyone always addresses me as the Hokage's grandson, and they always give me special treatment because of it."

"Hmm, that kind of sucks." Naruto said. "Well, come on, let's go get you learned up. First though, we're gonna have to borrow one of those pervy books, so you can get an idea of what kind of girl you want to change into." And the corruption began.

888

"Hey Naruto," Exclaimed Random-Genin-Number-5-Who-Would-Never-Amount-To-More-Than-A-Filler-Character. "Only those that passed are supposed to be here."

"Yes, well, Mizuki decided to turn traitor, and steal the Forbidden Scroll." Naruto said. "I helped apprehend him, and learned the Kage Bunshin, which is like the Academy jutsu on steroids. The Hokage decided to give me a field promotion." The boy's retort was interrupted by another voice.

"Excuse me." Sakura said. "Will you let me through?" The boy moved, and Sakura bore down on him. "Naruto, move your ass, I want to sit on the other side of you."

"Hey, why the hell did you ask him nicely, but then yell at me?" Naruto asked.

"Shut up." Sakura yelled, hitting him in the head. Naruto barely winced at the strike, and had to hid a grin when Sakura shook her hand a bit in pain.

"You know what, forget it." Naruto said as Naruto was about to get up. "I had a nightmare last night about today." He said. "Long story short, something happened dealing with his fangirls, Sasuke and I ended up face to face glaring at each other. Someone bumped into me, which then resulted in me kissing the teme. Just in case something like that happens for real, I'm sitting next to Hinata, so that I'll at least end up kissing someone I want to."

"Eep!" Thud! Needless to say, Hinata lost consciousness, and her face was very red.

"Aww, she's so cute when she does that." As Naruto watched, almost feeling sorry for the bastard, Ino came in, and a fight between the two biggest fangirls broke out. Unable to take the squabbling any longer, and curious as to what it was about Sasuke tht they liked, Naruto spoke up.

"Okay, someone please explaing to me why it is that you like Sasuke, again?" Naruto asked.

"Because he's so dark and mysterious, he's really handsome, he's a great ninja, he's all aloof and cool, and he seems so in need of love, but keeps stubbornly pushing everyone away." Sakura said.

"Or maybe you're all just in denial of the fact that he wants absolutely nothing to do with any of you, and doesn't consider any of you worth his time." The outcry of anger that resulted from this comment made Naruto shake his head.

"He just doesn't want to get close to people after what happened to his family." Ino said. "He's so great."

"God, I feel like such a fucking moron." Naruto said. Ino looked to comment, but was cut off when he continued. "I've been an orphan my whole life, and had the entire village hate me and treat me like garbage for things beyond my control. Do you mean to tell me that if I wanted someone to care for me and love me, then instead of foolishly trying to get attention and be accepted, I should have been trying to push people away and isolate myself? I'll admit, I might not have the emo or handsome thing going for me so much, but I've got just as good a sob story as Sasuke-teme does, and unlike him, mine actually involves my life being in danger...every year...on my birthday, no less."

"Sasuke-kun's life was in danger." Random fangirl number thirteen cried. "His brother was so strong, Sasuke was so brave for facing him."

'_Not brave, stupid._' Naruto thought. '_Even I wouldn't go after Itachi, and I beat Pein._'

"I doubt it." Naruto said. "Itachi killed the best the clan had to offer with ease, so I highly doubt he felt at all threatened by teme, and there were kids younger than Sasuke there, so it wasn't because he was just a kid. If Itachi had truly intended to kill Sasuke, he'd have done it, so I highly doubt Sasuke's life was ever in any real danger." Sasuke's eyes narrowed. As much as he hated to admit it, the Dobe did make some sense. So why did Itachi spare him.

"Well, you're still not a great ninja like Sasuke-kun." Ino taunted.

"For his age you mean." Naruto said. "Great ninja in general tend to have made names for themselves outside of their village, and tend to have A-S rankings in the Bingo Book." Ino stuck her tongue out at him. "And I might not be the best ninja, but I figure that being able to use a Jounin level jutsu as easily as I can, as well as being able to evade and outwit Anbu dressed in bright orange, should be worth something."

"Yeah right, Naruto, like you could outwit Anbu." Ino said, rolling her eyes.

"Actually, if you ask any Anbu that's been there for at least a year, I'm sure they'll have some interesting stories to tell you." A voice suddenly interrupted. "I remember a certain incident with laxatives and a lack of toilet tissue."

"I still say I'd have gotten away if a certain old geezer hadn't tripped me up." A clearing of the throat brought attention to the Hokage. "Oops, sorry Jiji." He was suddenly chastized by half a dozen people yelling at him to respect the Hokage. "Whatever. So, what are you doing here? Isn't Iruka sensei supposed to be giving out our team assignments?"

"Iruka...ahem. One of our Special Jounin decided to uh...help Iruka on his road to recovery last night, and he's not going to make it." Naruto snickered at the Hokage's red face. '_Already?_' The reply that he received made it difficult for him to keep a straight face. He couldn't disagree, though. Iruka really needed to get laid, and Anko did have a crush on him, so why not? "Now take your seats, I'm going to read off your teams. The teams are as follows."

888

Naruto, having just decided on a filling lunch of Ichiraku ramen, could be found headed in the direction of the small stand. He'd stayed behind, and talked to the Hokage about possibly getting a change of team, maybe to Kurenai's team, he could easily replace Kiba. Unfortunately, his reasons for wanting the switch- Sasuke being a bastard, Sakura being annoying, and wanting to have easier access to his new hobby of making Hinata blush- weren't enough to get him the change he wanted.

As he made his way to Ichiraku's, he spotted Sakura several meters ahead, sitting on a bench across from a small stand that specialized in Onigiri. Remembering what happened this day in his first life, Naruto decided that now might be a good time to start Sakura down the road of healing. With a quick dip behind a bush, and an even quicker Henge, Naruto came back out, and continued his stroll. As he came upon the girl, he heard her voice.

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura called. "Would you like to join me for lunch? I accidentally ordered too much." Naruto looked at the portion, and had to fight back a groan. The order was barely fit for a child of Konohamaru's size, and it was obvious that she had barely touched it.

"Sakura," He replied dully. He then inwardly shivered. Being so emo and emotionless left you with a creepy feeling. "You're so smart, that you're stupid." Sakura's look of shock was priceless. "Stop starving yourself, it's sickening. And stop chasing me, and go after someone that actually wants to be with you before they lose interest and you end up alone." With that, Naruto continued his stroll down the street to his favorite restaurant.

"Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked his retreating back.

"**What was that?**" Inner Sakura yelled.

"I think he wants me to go out with Naruto." Inner Sakura was silent in disbelief, before something occurred to her.

"**Wait, you think Sasuke-kun might have been testing us?**" She asked. "**You know, to see if we'd be loyal to him. Like if we'd betray him for another boy, or if we really loved him.**"

"You're right." Sakura said, aloud, scaring a small girl who was walking past. "Well, I'm not going to stray."

"**Don't worry Sasuke-kun, you're the only man for us, Shannaro!**"

Yep, she really needs to stop listening to that Inner Persona...she totally missed the point on that one.

888

Kakashi snickered to himself as he strolled leisurely down the hallway. Stopping outside the door, he listened in for a little bit, before announcing himself.

"Grr, where is he?" Sakura groused. "He's like three hours late, and Naruto's not even back yet either, where is that moron?" Curiosity getting the better of him, Kakashi entered the room, and sure enough there were only two Genin sitting in the room.

"Hmm, after reading your files, my first impression would have been that I didn't like you guys." Kakashi said. "But since you've managed to lose a teammate before you even started as a team, I'm going to ammend my opinion. You guys suck. Meet me on the roof."

With that, Kakashi Shunshined away, planning on having a Kage Bunshin search for his wayward pupil. Imagine his shock, when upon reaching the roof of the building, he found his student already waiting for him, casually munching on a bowl of ramen. Once the other two arrived, Sakura immediately stomped over, and punched her wayward teammate for not coming back on time.

"Here I was thinking that you might like some alone time with your precious Sasuke-kun." Naruto returned. "Hmph, last time I try to be nice to you." Sakura had the good grace to look ashamed, but quickly played it off.

"Well, now that we're all here, how about introductions?" Kakashi said. "You know, likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams for the future."

"Uh, sensei, why don't you go first?" Sakura asked. "Show us what to do."

"Fine, my name is Kakashi Hatake, I like-" Kakashi was startled to find the spiel he'd been so looking forward to delivering interrupted.

"Icha Icha Paradise (specifically chapter six), annoying Gai-sensei, being late just to annoy people, and making up ridiculous excuses for why you're late. You dislike what happened to your father, Danzo for spearheading the scandal that followed, and the fact that Obito was killed saving your ass. Your hobbies include reading Icha Icha in public just to piss people off, and taunting Gai-sensei. Your dreams for the future are to see Icha Icha made into a movie, and maybe star in one opposite Yukie Fujikaze." Kakashi eye-smiled, but inwardly was a little wary of the blond. How had anyone been able to figure out so much about him, especially the part about Yukie?

"You seem to know an awful lot about me." Kakashi said. "May I ask how?"

"I did my research." Naruto said. "A person can get a lot done with a couple dozen Kage Bunshin and three hours to kill. Not to mention, there are a lot of annoyed people willing to give up the dirt about you."

"Since you want to be so cheeky, why don't you go next?" Naruto shrugged.

'_You all already know who I am. I like ramen, training, how cute Hinata-chan gets when she blushes, and gardening to an extent. I used to like Sakura, but then I realized that I'm not into masochism. I dislike arrogant emo bastards, people who look down on others, people who judge prematurely, fangirls who starve themselves because they're trying to keep thin, while foolishly putting their teammates in danger because they aren't gaining any muscle tone that is crucial to being a shinobi. I also dislike late sensei who obsess over one student, and ignore their others. Most importantly, I dislike the three minutes it takes to cook instant ramen. My hobbies include taking care of my plant, learning about seals, and trying new flavors of ramen at Ichiraku. My dreams for the future, prevent Sasuke from betraying Konoha for vengeance, prevent Sakura from betraying Konoha for Sasuke, and to not get pre-maturely killed again. After that, maybe I'll marry Hinata and have a bunch of kids, and become Hokage.'_ Naruto thought all of this, but decided to just keep things as simple as possible.

"You already know who I am. I like stuff, and I dislike stuff, but that's not important. My new hobby is seeing how much I can make Hinata-chan blush, and I hope to marry my cute little Hina-chan and become Hokage one day." Naruto inwardly smirked, enjoying the shocked scowl on Sasuke's face, the look of annoyed betrayal on Kakashi's, and the combo of shocked and betrayed on Sakura's, though why she sported the latter expression, he didn't know.

Naruto mostly tuned out the rest of the meeting, already knowing what was going to happen; only paying enough attention to comment on the introductions. His "Why am I not at all surprised?" after Sakura's rant resulted in his having to dodge her fist. Being betrayed by the girl had taken a lot of the shine out of Sakura that had been there, and he couldn't help the feeling of annoyance at the girl she used to be, and how often she took swings at him for no apparent reason. We'll skip what he said to Sasuke, but suffice it to say, he had to dodge Sakura's fist again.

Once they'd been dismissed, again he took great happiness out of watching Sakura and Sasuke's reactions to the bell test, Naruto decided now was as good a time as any to lay some foundation.

"Okay, since we're a team now, I think it prudent that we establish some ground rules." At their shocked looks, Naruto rolled his eyes. "Rule number one, I don't care how cool your fangirls think it makes you look, Sasuke, while we're on duty, no brooding about your brother. Do that shit on your own time. Rule number two, I don't care how you feel about Sasuke, Sakura, no fangirling while we're on duty. Obsessing over Sasuke when you're supposed to be paying attention to a mission can get us killed." Glaring, Sakura interrupted.

"Rule number three, _Naruto_, no more asking me out on dates." She gave him a smirk, to which he shrugged.

"That's fine." Naruto said. "I'd rather date Hinata anyway." He missed the look of utter shock and hurt when he turned to Sasuke. "Teme?"

"Is that all?" Sasuke growled. "I have some training to do." Naruto shrugged, and the broody boy left.

"You know, as much as he thinks about Itachi, one might mistake him for having a Brother Complex." Naruto leaned back to avoid a swing from Sakura. "Rule number four, no more trying to hit me for stupid reasons that only make sense to yourself."

888

"Grr, where are they?" Sakura yelled. "He told us to be here at 8, and he's almost three hours late."

"Yo," Kakashi said.

"YOU'RE LATE!" Sakura screamed. Kakashi was about to reply, but noticed that he was missing a Genin.

"Hmm, looks like we're missing someone." It was at this point that Naruto arrived via the tree line from another training ground where he'd been working on regaining his chakra control, and where about three dozen clones were still trying to either stick leaves to their foreheads, or climb a tree.

"YOU'RE LATE, NARUTO!" Sakura screamed, only to receive a grin from the blond, who then proceeded to turn and look at Kakashi as he answered.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got lost on a train of thought, and missed my stop." Kakashi's mouth dropped open as Sakura screamed.

"LYER!" Not only had the gaki stolen his introduction, but he stole his thing...and even had a better excuse. It would seem that he was going to have to have a talk with his student about gimick infringement.

888

As Naruto hid from his sensei, he couldn't help but chuckle. He'd been the only one to eat breakfast, just as he knew he would be. As he sat in the tree, watching Kakashi stand there, he couldn't help but feel a deep seeded desire to try and fight Kakashi. When an image of Kakashi in the Sennin Goroshi pose, and not himself, but Sasuke flying through the air, he knew where the desire came from.

Kakashi stood in the clearing, his face not showing it, but he was very wary. He could sense Sasuke hiding in a tree on one side of the clearing, and Sakura hiding beneath a bush. Naruto...Naruto had just disappeared. He'd been on a few of the early Naruto chases, and had to admit the boy had talent in stealth and evasion, even at seven. He'd already retired from Anbu by the time Naruto's abilities evading the Anbu had reached their legendary status. He hadn't wanted to believe Yuugao or Yamato when they'd told him the boy could almost disappear at will, but now he was finding himself truly impressed.

Just as suddenly as the boy had disappeared, Kakashi found himself staring at his blond student.

"I know I probably don't stand a chance, but I'd like to see how I stack up against a Jounin." Naruto said. He knew that theoretically he had nearly surpassed Kakashi, but physically, that was no longer the case. "Especially one as infamous as Sharingan Kakashi."

Naruto wasted no time going on the attack. While it wouldn't be nearly as fluid as before, and was almost useless without Sage Chakra- at least until he could gain enough control to safely channel chakra to his limbs to enhance his strikes like normal shinobi were able to, without blowing up his arms and legs in the process- his Frog Kata was still a formidable Taijutsu style. Leading with a punch that was easily blocked, Naruto followed up with a spinning backhand to the other side. Kakashi also blocked this, but got a surprise when Naruto suddenly bent his arm to try for an elbow to the temple. Kakashi released him, and bent his head back to dodge the blow, before tossing Naruto away.

"Hmm, seems you're better than your file suggested." Kakashi said, both pleased and annoyed. "Looks like I won't even have time for Icha Icha." Looking on, both Sakura and Sasuke were wondering where this suddenly level of skill had come from, because he sure hadn't had it when he was in the Academy.

"Well that didn't work." Naruto groaned, his hands forming a cross ram seal. "Time to take this up another notch. Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Six Narutos appeared, and sparing less than a tic to grin at his sensei, all seven Narutos attacked at once. It was a testament to Kakashi's skill, that he was able to defend himself against the surprise attack from all seven. Despite the lack intelligence and natural talent that Naruto had possessed as an adolescent, his unpredictability still made him fairly capable as a shinobi. With some actual skill to back up Naruto's uniquely unusual skillset, so many of the blond could easily overwhelm even a higher level Chuunin.

Still, Kakashi wasn't an elite for nothing. Two blocks, three dodges, and a captured fist later, Kakashi gave an eyesmile before flashing into action, dispersing Kage Bunshin with a speed that Naruto wouldn't be able to keep up with for another four years in normal continuity. When there was only one left, Kakashi again gave Naruto an eyesmile.

"Well, I'll admit I'm impressed." Kakashi said. "For a moment, I thought little Uchiha-chan might be the only one on the team with any ability."

"Let's try this again." Naruto said, creating another squad of clones, this time double the number. At first he'd only wanted to see how he'd stack up against his sensei. Now though, he wanted to get one of those bells.

With a gesture, half of the Kage Bunshin attacked, while the rest disappeared. Giving Naruto a calculating look, Kakashi readied himself. The attack came just a bit faster than before, but this time, Kakashi was ready for it, and wasn't surprised by the skill of the clones. With an almost ease that annoyed the blond, Kakashi dispatched of the clones. Just as he'd taken out the last with a lazy flick of a shuriken, the real Naruto attacked.

Naruto threw a left kick that Kakashi ducked, but is again surprised when the boy pivots, and brings the foot back around, striking even faster than before. Kakashi blocks the attack by grabbing Naruto's leg, and almost gets clocked when the other foot makes a follow-up attempt on on his head. After grabbing this leg as well, Kakashi realized what position the blond was now in. Not giving the boy a chance to go for the bells which were within his reach, Kakashi brought his knee up to give the boy a shot to the sternum.

Imagine his surprise when the boy he was holding dispersed into smoke, throwing his balance off for a moment. Naruto wasted zero time trying to capitalize, as several more clones came at Kakashi from all sides in a distraction. While Kakashi was busy engaging them, another Naruto suddenly shot out of the ground, and went for the bells. Kakashi only just dodged in time with a Kawarimi- causing several of the clones to end up attacking another of Naruto's clones- but Naruto was already on the attack, a plan already goign through his mind.

A clone at his back, Naruto went in for a punch, but found his plan derailed immediately. Kakashi again used a Kawarimi, but this time with the clone that was tailing him. Naruto's punch dispersed the startled clone, and set Kakashi up for his next attack.

"A ninja isn't supposed to get caught from behind." Kakashi said, seriously. Sakura tried to yell a warning, but as Kakashi would inform him seconds later with a glint in his eye. "Too late. Hiden Konoha Ninpou: Sennin Goroshi!"

One thing that Naruto had learned about the Kawarimi, so your long as your chakra could overpower that of the target after the chakra for the jutsu was used (though catching your target off guard would allow someone with a weaker chakra to do the same), you could switch with anything, even other people. And if there was one thing that Naruto knew, it was that he could switch places with all of his teammates. A millisecond before Kakashi's thrust forward fingers connected, there was a puff of smoke, and Naruto was no longer standing in front of him, but a startled and confused Sasuke. Too bad for the Uchiha, he was already committed to the attack, and there was no way to stop it now.

As Kakashi watched the Uchiha genius fly through the air from his chakra enhanced ass poke, he couldn't help but smile beneath his mask.

'_Using others as a meatshield to avoid embarrassing situations,_' Kakashi thought. '_He is his mother's son after all. Oh well, I'll have to catch him later...now to play with the others._' A quick Shunshin later, and Kakashi was gone.

888

From his place in Sasuke's former hiding spot, Naruto plotted his next move. Feeling out with his senses, Naruto located Sakura, and headed in that direction, knowing that she was next on Kakashi's torture list. He arrived just in time to hear his sensei say.

"Sakura, behind you." The pinkette turned, only to find Kakashi staring at her with his hands in a rat seal. A massive swirl of leaves later, and Sakura saw her sensei disappear. Eyes drooping drowsily, Sakura began to sway, a bit before snapping back to wakefulness.

"Huh, what was that?" Sakura asked. "Where'd he go?"

Sakura found herself very wary of the fact that Kakashi-sensei had snuck up behind her...she didn't want to be ass poked after all. A moment later she shook her head, grumbling about overly dramatic sensei using so many leaves to Shunshin away; he hadn't used that many before. Just as she was about to go continue her search for Sasuke, she heard a voice behind her that made her heart flutter call her name.

"Sasuke-kun?" She said turning, a bright smile on her face. The smile rapidly fell to make way for a paled, horror stricken visage when she caught sight of her beloved.

He was kneeling on the ground, barely holding himself up with the help of a tree. There were kunai and shuriken sticking out of his arms, back, and chest, each would bleeing freely. His left leg was broken at the shin, the foot turned facing backwards in a sickening manner. The most serious injuries however, were his missing right eye, and the decapitated left arm which had been cut off from just above the elbow down. Her brain tried to come to terms with what it was seeing and what she knew. Sasuke-kun was the best, and nothing like this could ever happen to him...yet she could see just as plain as day that it had happened.

From his perch above Kakashi, Naruto snickered when he saw Sakura's eyes go wide, tears begin to fall, but he almost started laughing when she screamed, and started foaming at the mouth. He could remember the time they'd been reminiscing about that first bell test, and she'd revealed what Kakashi forced her to see. For a thirteen year old fangirl- who Sakura had even admitted was ill-fit to be a ninja- that event was suitably traumatizing

"I think I might have overdone it." Kakashi said.

"Nah, she needs a fangirl rude awakening." Naruto said, startling the Jounin. "I say you went easy on her. Don't worry, I'm not going to attack you again yet, I'm here for Sakura. Go play with Sasuke, now. I'm sure he's recovered from being molested, and is ready to prove he's better than you." Kakashi gave Naruto a queer look, before disappearing in a swirl of leaves.

Naruto gave a sigh, before dropping to the ground next to his still frothing teammate. A quick Henge later, and Sasuke Uchiha stood in the clearing. Squatting, Naruto placed his hand on her shoulder, and channeled some chakra into the unconscious girl, before backing up. A second later, Sakura shot up, gasping for breath, in a panic.

"Sasuke-kun!" She cried out.

"What?" Naruto asked, imitating the other boy. Sakura turned, and eyes wider than he'd ever seen them, tackled him to the ground, and hugged him tightly.

"Sasuke-kun, you're alright." She said. "I thought you were...but I saw you-"

"Tch, Kakashi used a Genjutsu on you, Sakura." Her crush told her, causing her to blush in embarrassment. "Look, we don't have much time left. I'm going to go find Naruto before he embarrasses us even more, stay here, and don't move. Matter of fact, do nothing but sit there and breathe." Turning, Naruto leapt up into the trees, and took off to where he could sense a large flare of chakra.

888

While Naruto was attending to Sakura, Sasuke had recovered from his rectal violation, and returned for vengeance. Kakashi eyed the dark haired Genin glaring at him contemptuously with curiosity.

"Something tells me I won't be able to read my book with you either." Kakashi said sizing up the dark haired boy facing him, before putting said book away. Turns out he was right, and while the boy had as impressive a showing as Naruto's surprising attack, let's be honest. A Genin facing a Jounin is really an unfair fight.

By the time Naruto arrived at the sight of Sasuke's attempt at the bells, his teammate was already neck deep in dirt.

"I don't know about you, but I want to kick this bastard's ass," Naruto said, squatting in front of Sasuke's head. "And I'm even willing to work with you to do it."

"Fine, he's going to pay for that jutsu." Sasuke growled. "And I'm going to get you back for switching with me too, dobe."

"Right, follow me, Sakura's waiting." Naruto said, ignoring Sasuke's threat. "You know, if someone Henged into you, they could get her to do damn near anything. She better hope some pervert doesn't figure that out, or she could be in trouble."

888

Naruto sat with a somewhat excited expression on his face as he took in his sensei. The look of complete confusion on the man brought a smile to his features- though unless you knew to look at his eyes, and what exactly you were looking for, you'd never notice. Naruto could read his sensei like a book now...but even he could admit that sometimes it was an overly complicated book with unnecessarily big words.

Although they hadn't gotten the bells, there was no doubt that they had passed the test. In the five minutes that they'd attacked together, all three of them had touched the bells at least once, and Sasuke had even gotten a hold of one of them, before Kakashi had done something to his hand to make him let go. From what he could see, Kakashi was in a bind. On the one hand, he was proud of them, and was looking forward to take a team, evne if just to shut his naysayers up that he couldn't handle it. On the other, he was mourning the loss of precious reading time. Kakashi stared at them for a few moments longer, before giving his infamous eyesmile.

"Congratulations, you passed."

"But sensei, we didn't get the bells." Sakura said.

"We weren't supposed to." Naruto said. "Even with three fairly talented Genin, us winning against a Jounin is a complete joke. The whole point of this was about testing our teamwork. He threw in the part about only two of us passing to see if we'd turn on each other, or if we'd act like proper Leaf Shinobi and work together, anyway. I mean really, did either of you bother to remember the lecture we got on that? All Genin squads are three Genin to a Jounin, unless one of them is lost on a mission. Even telling us not to eat was a test in seeing if we could think for ourselves, or if we'd take things at face value."

"Then how do you explain apprenticeships?" Kakashi teased. "I could have been looking to find a proper apprentice."

"That's true, but not likely." Naruto said. "In an apprenticeship, the sensei is even mroe responsible for their pupil than traditionally, as in almost a parent role. You're far too lazy to be bothered with the responsibilities of apprenticing a student."

"Since when have you been so smart?" Sakura accused.

"What, did you really think I was that stupid?" Naruto asked in disbelief, knowing full well that he really had been that stupid, but needing an excuse not to be this time. Playing dumb was annoying.

"What, are you telling us that you were hiding behind a mask of stupidity to protect yourself from something or someone?" Sakura asked.

'_Note to self, make sure Sakura isn't from the future too._' Naruto thought. '_Never mind. She wouldn't be as pathetic as she is if she were. I'm gonna have to do something about that quickly._'

"Not a mask, per se." Naruto said. "Look, deception is a ninja's greatest tool. I downplayed the fact that I'm not a complete idiot, so that people would underestimate me. Let me ask you this. If me and Sasuke ended up in a fight against an enemy Chuunin or Jounin, who is most likely to survive that fight?"

"Sasuke-kun of course." Sakura said, immediately. Kakashi initially would have been putting his money on Sasuke, but something made him pause that thought.

"Really, Sakura?" Naruto asked. "Then why don't you consider this. Sasuke is an Uchiha, the Rookie of the year, very talented, and never passes up a chance to show off just how much better he is than everyone. I, on the other hand, was the class deadlast, have never shown any talent for the shinobi arts, and just barely graduated. Which of us is the Chuunin liable to take as a serious threat? Sasuke. Who is the Chunin more liable to fight seriously, not wanting to risk a brat getting lucky? Sasuke. Who is more liable to be killed right off the bat, the talented show off with only a C-class Katon to his name, or the supposedly no talent kid, who can spam hundreds of Kage Bunshin like they're nothing?"

"Sasuke." Kakashi said, nodding to the blond. "Hmm, seems like Naruto was the smarter shinobi after all."

"Not really, I got the idea from Shikamaru." Naruto admitted falsely. "He may be a lazy bum, and I doubt he was intentionlly doing it, but downplaying how skilled you really are was a good idea."

As the team separated, Kakashi pulling Naruto aside briefly to discuss certain infringement issues, the Jounin could only marvel at this team of his. While two out of his three Genin had been just as their profiles had said, his third had been something of a surprise. Though if Iruka was to be believed about his unpredictability, Naruto had rather potently lived up to expectations as well.

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It was a bit under twenty-four hours later that found Naruto headed to his team training grounds. He knew they'd be starting their missions today after waiting hours for Kakashi to show, and a bit of training, and had planned accordingly.

During the several hour wait for Kakashi to arrive, Naruto had worked on reorienting his body into instinctually using the Frog Kata. While this was going on, several dozen clones each were working on leaf sticking, and tree climbing.

None of his clones could make it up a tree yet, but Naruto wasn't worried. By the time he dispelled them, and started doing the exercise for himself, he'd have the technique mastered, and its only real use would be for continued chakra control. Hopefully, by the time they got the Wave Mission, if they even got it this time, he'd have started his clones on combining the two exercises he was working on.

As he was winding down, Naruto felt a familiar chakra signature tickle his senses. Sending out a small chakra pulse, he found, to his amusement, Hinata watching him. Kind of an odd way to want to spend your lunch break, but he wasn't going to complain. As long as she was interested in him, he had a chance at not screwing things up with her like last time.

"Hey, Hinata." Naruto exclaimed. "Did you need something, or did you just come to watch me work up a nice...hard...sweat?" Straining his ears, Naruto was able to hear the telltale thump of Hinata's- faint-induced- unconscious body hitting the ground. Naruto swiftly finished his exercises, and strolled over to where she had landed. Sighing, Naruto picked the girl up, and carried her to where Kurenai's team would be meeting to begin their mission for the day. He just hoped Kiba hadn't returned yet. Given that horndog's- sometimes overly possessive- infatuation with Hinata, that was bound to be an annoying meeting.

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Naruto had just finished receiving a quick lesson on tree climbing- after all, a paper trail in this situation lessened suspicion- when he heard the shriek of Sakura's voice yelling at Kakashi for being late. While he didn't have any real attraction to Sakura anymore, he couldn't help the slightly naughty thought that came to his mind. If she was that loud normally, he hated to see what she'd be like when someone finally got into the prudish, yaio perv's pants, and really made her scream. Shaking his head of that thought, desperate to keep himself from thinking of Sakura in that manner ever again, Naruto redonned his jacket, and made his way to the team meeting.

"Naruto, you're late." Sakura yelled, he heard as soon as he cleared the tree line.

"Sorry I'm late, but Kurenai-sensei put me in time out for making Hinata-chan blush and faint." Kakashi's mouth dropped open, again. He thought he'd gotten the gaki to understand that lateness and bad excuses were his thing. Though, he had to admit, Naruto's excuses were actually pretty good, which technically wasn't gimick infringement. Damn!

Naruto rolled his eyes when Sasuke and Sakura perked up after Kakashi told them that there were going to start taking missions. Boy were they going to be disappointed. Now that he knew the true purpose of D-rank missions, and not that bullshit teamwork crap that Kakashi went on about (though he realized that they'd probably needed the teamwork part drilled in before he taught them the other part), he was going to let the mission bother him. Hell, getting paid to do things that were so easy- well, easy if you knew how to do it right- was the best thing going right now.

Besides, he now several different ways to make many of the more horrifying D-rank jobs easier, and less traumatizing. Naruto rubbed his hands, and almost cackled evilly. He couldn't wait until they got that babysitting job. The Inuguchi triplets were in for a rude awakening if they thought they were going to get away with the shit they normally pulled on Genin babysitters. They were going to pay for dying his hair black, and doubly so if they turned Hinata-chan blue again.

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They had been a team for three weeks, and sadly nothing in the routine had changed- well, with the exception of their mission success rate, and the number they'd been able to do. Kakashi still showed up late, prompting him to show up even later, with much better excuses than his sensei he might add. Sasuke and Sakura still sat there wasting three hours that could be put to better use, just waiting on their sensei, and basically wasting their potential. Naruto finally decided to do something about it, after he took care of one small detail that he really should have taken care of sooner, but supplies were hard to come by on his budget, and he didn't want to borrow from jiji too much now that he was a ninja.

He'd sat for almost an hour in the next training ground over from the one his team used, as a Shadow Clone applied the training seals that he'd used during his training trip with Jiraiya; while the application didn't take much time at all, waiting for the ink to dry did. Without going into too much detail, because Naruto had tuned out most of Jiraiya's explanation, they would put a resisting strain on his body that would increase his strength, speed, chakra reserves, and even his chakra control to a small extent. Afterwards, Naruto ran through the first two forms of the Frog Kata real time against a clone, since he'd need to either become a Sage or learn to properly channel chakra for attack enhancement before he could try using the other three in a battle simulation.

Cutting his training short, and showing up a good hour before Kakashi was scheduled to arrive, Naruto made it to the bridge, and sat down on the railing next to where Sakura was standing.

"You know, I'm starting to think that his lateness is a test." Naruto said.

"What kind of test?" Sakura asked. Sasuke was silent, but Naruto could tell by the slight incline of his head that he was interested too.

"You know, to see if we'd actually make use of the time he's giving us, or if we'd just sit here looking stupid." Naruto answered. "Especially considering all the other squads I've talked to have said that they start at the same time that we do, only with team training, and exercises. Then after lunch, they do missions. Given that Kakashi-sensei doesn't show up until eleven, then we train for maybe an hour, and break for lunch, maybe he expects us to use our time more wisely." Again, Sakura and Sasuke were shocked by the level of intelligence shown by the class idiot.

"Well, what are we supposed to do?" Sakura asked. "Sensei hasn't given us anything to work on."

"Well, Hinata's team is doing this really cool exercise called tree climbing." Naruto said. "Kurenai-sensei showed me how to do it. What you have to do-"

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When Kakashi finally showed up- ten minutes later than normal to try and arrive after his student- and saw them working tree climbing, he gave an eyesmile. Finally they got the hint that they should have been using their time more efficiently. Perching himself in the tree Sakura was working on, Kakashi snapped his beloved book open, and began to read.

Kakashi was content to let his little Genin keep going, and take a late lunch- as it would give him more time with his precious- but alas, things weren't in his favor. A mere ten minutes after they normally broke for lunch, things took a sour turn.

"How'd you get so good at this?" Sasuke growled.

"Remember that day I told you Kurenai-sensei put me in timeout for making Hinata faint?" Naruto asked. "That's when I learned it."

"You mean that you've been holding out on us this entire time?" Sasuke spat, highly annoyed that the Dobe had mastered a skill that he hadn't. Sakura gave a slight glare as well when Naruto just shrugged.

"You didn't ask." The reply, while true, wasn't exactly fair, considering they hadn't even known about it. Sasuke glared hard at Naruto. He'd known that the Dobe was going to hold him back, but that he'd been doing it intentionally was unforgivable.

"All right, let's break for lunch." Kakashi said, appearing in a swirl of leaves. He'd sensed he impending squabble that was about to occur, and decided to head it off this time.

"Geez, you're even later than normal." Sakura grumbled.

"Well, when I arrived and saw my cute little Genin working so hard, I didn't want to disturb you." Sakura blushed, Sasuke glared, and Naruto raised an eyebrow. Lunch was a quick, quiet affair, and soon the group was ready to restart the day.

"Now, we're going to skip the mission room today." Kakashi said. "Since you all finally decided to act like shinobi, I figure I'd teach you all something that would complement your individual styles. Any one thing that you can think of, if I'm capable of teaching you how, then I will." Naruto grinned, he knew exactly what he was going to ask about. "Now, while I'm working with each of you individually, the other two will spar. So, whose first." Sasuke looked about to claim the first spot, but Naruto elbowed him in the side.

"Ladies, first, teme." Naruto said. "That means Sakura, unless there's something you're trying to hide from us." Sasuke's glare told him exactly what the boy thought of Naruto's insinuations.

"Tch, whatever." Kakashi smiled beneath his mask.

"Okay, Sakura, come with me; Naruto and Sasuke, light contact sparring." The two boys looked at each other, and frowned.

"Bah, it's no fun if we can't beat each other senseless." Sasuke, as much as he'd never admit it, couldn't help but agree. Beating each other until they couldn't stand was fun in its own way...well, when he had the upperhand, anyway. The Dobe could hit pretty damn hard when he wanted to.

Still, orders were orders. A silent agreement passed through the boys though. Next time they were allowed full contact, they were both going to the hospital to make up for it. Dropping into the Academy stance, for that was the only one that allowed them to take it easy on each other, they both charged.

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Twenty minutes later, Kakashi ended the spar. Both male Genin, highly bored with it after the first two minutes, were just going through the motions, and didn't look to even be trying.

"I guess I came back just in time." Kakashi said. "Alright, Naruto, come with me."

After leading him away from the other two, who were sparring- more like Sakura was attacking gently in order to not hurt her crush (as if she really could), and Sasuke was just practicing dodging- Kakashi turned to Naruto.

"Okay, Naruto, pick your poison." Kakashi said, grinning behind his mask, just knowing that Naruto would want something flashy and overpowered. He was sorely disappointed, well not really, but a little.

"I want to learn the Shunshin." Naruto replied. "I know it's supposed to be for upper level nin, but you said any jutsu. I could have picked something you don't know like the Rasengan, just to mess with you."

"That you could have." Kakashi said, deciding not to mention that he did know the jutsu; never knowing that Naruto knew he knew the jutsu. "Alright, here are the seals-"

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As Kakashi and Naruto rejoined his other teammates, the Jounin couldn't help but marvel at his sensei's son. It was like the harder a techniqe was, the easier it was for him to learn it. While he was utterly horrible at performing simple jutsu meant for kids his own age, give him a technique meant for shinobi Chuunin level or above, and he was able to properly use it at least once within a short amount of time- even if he did ridiculously overpower it. Had they still been around, Naruto would have been the ultimate anti-Sharingan shinobi, especially considering the Sharingan's weakness, and the majority of the clan's habit of not taking time to actually learn the jutsu they copied before trying to use it.

"Naruto and Sakura, spar a bit while I work with Sasuke." Naruto rolled his eyes at the girl's smirk as their sensei escorted Sasuke away. Well, he said he was going to break her out of her delusional fangirl phase, now was as good a time as any to start. With a cocky gesture, Naruto signalled for Sakura to make the first move.

"Ladies first." He said.

Sakura charged Naruto with her fist cocked back, expecting Naruto's usual shocked expression just before she clocked him, or he dodged. Rapidly closing the distance, Sakura punched, but found herself startled when Naruto blocked her attack, and punched her in the stomach...hard. Not giving her a chance to recover, Naruto kneed her in the chin, snapping her head back, and finished with a strong left that sent her face first to the ground with a split lip. Sakura looked up in horror, and eyes filled with tears accused.

"You hit me."

"Well yeah, it's a spar, you're supposed to." He didn't see why she was so surprised. Hadn't she seen what he'd done against their sensei the first day, or even noticed how easy it was for him to keep up with Sasuke, yet he always seemed to struggle against her.

"B-but you never could before." Naruto almost groaned at her statement. Surely she didn't think she was that good, did she?

"Before I was so infatuated with you that I'd let you beat on me, so that you thought you were doing something. With that illusion removed, I don't feel a need to do so. As a matter of fact, I should apologize to you, because I was actually hurting your development as a ninja. Now, you can either concede defeat, or get back up, and we keep going." Sakura glared, not believing that Naruto was better than her.

What followed was a rather eye opening beating for Sakura, one filled with numerous cuts, massive future bruises, and a destroyed pride.

Over with Sasuke and Kakashi, the two had been stunned into immobility when Naruto had actually attacked Sakura. The only reason he hadn't told the two light contact, was because he knew Sakura's weak physical disposition couldn't really hurt Naruto, and Naruto had never once tried to actually fight her in spars before. As the one-sided fight continued, even Sasuke was starting to feel sorry for the girl. He winced as Naruto's knee collided with Sakura's back, causing her to cry out in pain.

"Shouldn't you, you know, stop this?"

"No, it's a good lesson for Sakura." Kakashi said. "She's finally getting a taste of what can happen in the field, thankfully from a friendly source."

Back with the two sparring Genin, Sakura could be found laying on the ground in the fetal position, clutchin her stomach painfully, with tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Now, Sakura, I'm going to give you a bit of advice that I want you to seriously consider. If you're serious about being a ninja, then this prissy, girly thing you've got going has got to stop. The pampering, the diets, the spending more time on your hair and nails than you do your training, the not wanting to get messy, sweaty, or dirty, it has got to change. All of that crap you're buying into is a civilian luxury that a real kunoichi can't afford to waste time on. Just so you know, I will be talking to Kakashi-sensei about this. Either get your act together, or turn your headband in, and give up; this way we'll have enough time to replace you with a serious kunoichi before we start taking more serious missions."

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Another week and some passed, the three Genin finally making some significant progress with the new skill they'd learned from Kakashi- well except for Naruto, who had majorly cheated with Kage Bunshin once he felt he had the jutsu right. Just like nearly every other practice, things went well until Naruto did something new that set the last Uchiha off. This time it was Naruto using a Shunshin against Sasuke to close the distance faster than Sasuke was ready for, before punching him in the stomach. Once again, things devolved from there into an argument, that always had the same ending. Naruto would insult the Uchiha clan in some form or another, and Sasuke would reply the same way everytime...

"You're just jealous of my Sharingan." Kakashi sighed at the same predictable retort, knowing that it wasn't true. After awhile, when he realized that nothing he said would matter, Naruto just started to ignore his teammate at this point, and they were able to continue the day.

Naruto gawked at the boy, before shaking his head in disbelief. And they really call this guy a genius. He then got a very interesting idea.

"First of all, you don't have it yet, and there's a chance that you may not ever activate it." Naruto said, startling Kakashi with his reply. Sasuke glared at his teammate, knowing that it was true. "Second, why would I be jealous of the Sharingan, when I've got a bloodline too." Naruto boasted. Yep, that definitely got his attention.

"Naruto, I knew both your parents, you don't have a bloodline." Kakashi said.

"Yes I do, on my mother's side." Naruto said. "It's the...uh...um..." Naruto looks up. "Help me out here." Less than a second later, Naruto felt a searing pain in his eyes that caused him to growl in pain, and shut his rapidly tearing eyes.

"Naruto?" Kakashi asked. Naruto finally opened his eyes, and began blinking away the moisture that had formed there. Shaking his head to alleviate the pain, and giving himself time to recall the new information, Naruto smirked at what he found.

"My bloodline doesn't have a name, as the Uzumaki Clan weren't so prideful about it like the Hyuuga and Uchiha that it had to have a spectacular name." Sasuke just knew that was a slight at his family, and gave Naruto patented Uchiha glare number 34. "It grants the user impeccable natural vision equal to, possibly greater than even the Byakugan and Sharingan. They had unparalleled night vision, and can see just as well in the dark as in the daytime. With a bit of concentration, and maybe a small amount of chakra for the lower level, an Uzumaki could see up to almost 2 kms clearly. Not only that, but it gave them a very strong ability to notice even the minutest of details, making them vertually immune to most normal Genjutsu; the Kurama clan is a notable exception, as well as certain Sharingan based Genjutsu. This attention to detail makes it very difficult for them to be tricked by switching, replacing, and transformation jutsu too. It's also what made the Uzumaki Clan so good with Fuinjutsu."

"I've never heard of an Uzumaki Clan in Konoha." Sasuke taunted.

"That's because they weren't a clan of Konoha." Naruto answered. "They were from Whirlpool Country. There have only been three Uzumaki to live here; the Shodai's wife Mito, my mother, and me. I'm the only one to ever be born here though." Kakashi, of course, already knew all of this, though he did wonder how Naruto found out. He was however concerned with something else.

"Naruto, who were you talking to?" Kakashi asked. "More importantly, how did you get that bloodline?"

"I was talking to a friend beyond the fourth wall, don't worry about it Kakashi-sensei." Naruto explained. "As for the bloodline, I got it from a really big plothole." Deciding to ignore it for now, and talk to the Hokage about it later, Kakashi gave his team its next assignment.

"Right, well, today I've got a special mission for you." Kakashi said, a sinister grin on his face. "I've finally been able to reserve the Capture Tora Mission for you." All three Genin paled. They'd heard horror stories from Team 8 (who'd actually done the mission three times to date), and Naruto also remembered the numerous times he'd done the mission, both before and afterj his training with Jiraiya. The sad thing is, it never got easier, not even for Chuunin or Jounin level ninja.

For Naruto, this also marked another thing he'd been both anticipating and dreading...the mission to Wave. This time, he ws determined to save a certain pair, at the very least Haku. First things first, though, dealing with that evil demon cat Tora. Still, with all of the plans running through his head, he couldn't help the ominous feeling in the back of his mind. If only he could see NB's face at that moment, he'd know at the very least why he had that sudden bout of paranoia.

"Fine, I'll meet you in Jiji's office, I've got some things to set up first." Before Shunshining away in purple flames(1), Naruto added. "See ya." And then he was gone.

"Okay, now that was a nice exit." Kakashi muttered. "I'll have to see if he'll teach me that."

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1. Every time he Shunshin's it will be something different. Feel free to contribute ideas.

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And there you have chapter 2. Tora and Wave are up next, hope you have a strong enough stomach, or at least a twisted enough sense of humor, for the beginning.

Next chapter: Demon Meetings and Ghastly Greetings.


	3. Demon Meetings and Ghastly Greetings

**Disclaimer: I should probably warn you, you'll likely be asking me what the hell I'm smoking by the time you finish reading this chapter. Whether you feel I should share or go to rehab will depend on you. And speaking of smoking, what in the hell is Madara Uchiha smoking. Three reasons why I say he's smoking something: 1. He came up with a persona like Tobi, nuff said, 2. Moon Eye Plan, with all of its falts and holes in logic, 3. After everything he's done, he blames everything that didn't go his way on other people.**

**Also I don't own Naruto or Mister Rogers Neighborhood.**

Wave Arc Changes

1. Haku's gender

2. Madara has a severe allergic reaction to tomatoes

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As Naruto made his way down the road to the Hokage Tower, he couldn't help the sinister grin on his face, and the almost evil gleam in his eye. Unfortunately, the citizens of Konoha also noticed these devious attributes, and the irrational fear, as well as the angry looks and glares, seemed to escalate. Feeling the sudden change in atmosphere, and realizing what had happened, Naruto paused.

"Eheh, sorry about that." He said. "Yes, I do have some very deviously evil plans in store, but none of them are for anyone in this village. No, these plans are for the Fire Daimyo's wife's cat. Tora no Yoko will rue the day she decided to torture the Genin of Konoha." Insert evil chuckle.

Naruto wouldn't know it, but his comment had actually made a few people stop, and rethink their opinion of him. These people, some lifelong Genin, or the parents and relatives of current and past Genin, were beginning to think that maybe they'd been wrong about the boy.

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As Naruto entered the Hokage's office for mission assignment, he found himself suddenly pinned with a pair of glares, a single look of amusement, and two exasperated stares.

"Uh, sorry it took so long." Naruto said. "It took me a little longer than expected to come up with a suitable death trap for that evil little demon cat. Then it took me some time to make it non-lethal when I remembered that we aren't allowed to kill the Daimyo's wife's cat."

"Naruto, what were you thinking?" Sakura didn't notice the looks of awe, adoration, and hope, that the three elder shinobi gave to Naruto, but Sasuke did. It was at this point that he began to wonder if the stories that he'd thought exaggerated, were actually understated.

"Well, in any case, if that's all, then good luck with Tora." The unsaid, 'you'll need it' had all three Genin on edge.

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Half an hour later, and Naruto was just a tad miffed that most of his traps hadn't been used. All that work for nothing, because Sakura had gone all prissy, and missed her cue to push Tora towards the next set. Oh well, there was always next time; time to break out Plan B. Afterall, he'd stocked up on explosive tags for a reason. He still had fifty left, and he only needed ten of them for Plan C. As Naruto was imagining all the fur flying from the revenge Plan B would instigate (sure he was against revenge, but Tora was a special case), Sasuke came over the radio, saying that he had the demon cat cornered.

With a smile and chuckle reminicent of Orochimaru, Naruto took off towards where Sasuke had trapped the satanic kitty. As Naruto makes his journey to his teammate, I'm struck with a need to give a random, but somewhat significant bit of information. It should be noted that Naruto would completely forget about the traps he'd set during the course of his next mission, but this wouldn't be the last time they played a part in this tale.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled fanfiction to bring you the following Public Service Announcement. Arrogance and Overconfidence are the downfall of many ninja, and the following scene will prove that even the most noble of people can be brought up short by it. It just goes to show, the fourth wall ability does sometimes backfire, and that choosing me as his author partner (especially with my sometimes sadistic humor), could bite him in the ass.

Naruto landed next to Sasuke, and gave a sinister grin to the cat. Next to him, Sasuke glared at the cat with a menacing stare. The third person that had her cornered was also staring angrily at her, but that was more for trying to get her dirty than the scratches that the two boys were sporting.

Now Tora was a cat that had lived a long time. An unknown demonic lineage had resulted in her having encountered numerous humans trying to bring her back to that squeezing woman, and before her the heavy-handed constant petting woman, and before that the creepy kissy face woman. And while yes, her frequent escapes were an excuse to get away from the overweight, over-affectionate women, they also served another purpose; one she hoped this jaunt would allow her to take care of. She just had to get away from the three humans trying to catch her.

Her long life had given her a bit of a strategy in achieving this. The females of the species were the weak link, and attempting to dirty them always provided enough of a distraction to hide, and plan. The only time this didn't work, is when the female of the group was just like the males of the group- she shuddered in remembrance of the brown haired human with the pointy throwing things she'd encountered several times last year, the purple haired girl she'd encountered nearly a decade before, and the redhead that had laughed in a most disturbing tone as she tried to blow her up- but luckily this one had proved to be the norm. Plan of action decided, Tora made her move.

As Tora ran towards Sakura, the girl again screamed, and dodged out of the way. As a result, Tora again escaped capture, and earned Sakura twin glares from her teammates.

"What?" Sakura complained. "Her paws were dirty, and this dress is new."

Naruto gave a slight twitch. Something was wrong here, Sakura couldn't have been this frikkin pathetic the first time around. There was just no possible way he'd have been so enamored as to have missed that, would he. No, no, Sakura wasn't this pathetic, NB must be making her this bad.

"Sakura, I thought we were past this prissy phase." Naruto said. "We're not going to have to have another discussion about this, are we?" Sakura shook her head, remembering the lumps, cuts, and bruises that their last discussion resulted in. With a motion of his head, Sakura gave chase, and the two boys quickly followed. A few moments later, they caught up to the feline, but not before...

"Damn it, she went into the bushes." Sakura said. Sighing, Naruto created a Shadow Clone, which henged into a cat.

"You know what, I'm sick of this cat, and this mission, I'll get her." Naruto said, sending the clone in. After all, no point in getting himself clawed up by that rabid little monster. Shortly after the cat entered, the bush started shaking from what looked to be a fight, before things calmed, and suddenly a deep voice, like melted chocolate, began to sing.

Naruto looked around in confusion. He hadn't asked for any kind of changes, and he was pretty sure he'd already used the two for the Pre-Wave mini-arc. As the voice permeated the air along with the seductive tune, Sakura's face rapidly turned a vibrant shade of red, and she found herself pulling at her collar from a sudden flash of heat. About this time, the bush again started shaking, and the sound of a cat's spirit dying echoed from the foliage.

Several minutes later, the music, noises, and bushes came to a halt- punctuated by a loud catlike noise (that will likely scar the three Genin, one more so than the others) erupting from the bushes- and the clone stood and walked shakily out of the bushes, a traumatized look on his face. Tora soon followed him, almost obediently, looking mighty pleased with herself, and rubbing against its leg. The clone then popped, and a second later Naruto paled, and started vomiting.

"Naruto, what-" Sakura began, only to be cut off.

"I don't want to talk about it." He growled. "Ever!"

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As Team seven walked leisurely back towards the Hokage's Tower, Tora resting comfortably in Sakura's arms purring contently, sending almost flirtatious looks in Naruto's direction. Naruto could no longer take it. Letting his body go on auto-pilot, he dialed up a mental conversation with You-Know-Who...

Answering Machine: You've reached Voldemort. I'm out spreading terror amongst the Mudbloods and Bloodtraitors. Please leave your na-

Oops, wrong number. Let's try again, shall we?

"Hello?" NB asked. "Oh, hey Naruto, what's up?"

'_What...was...that?_' Naruto spat in his mind.

"Just a little lesson in humility." NB stated. "And really, even you have to admit it was a damn good prank."

'_Prank my ass. That was mental, and potentially accessory to sexual, abuse._'

"Come on, I permanently solved your Tora problem." NB said, then mentally added. '_And you only have yourself to blame for picking me._'

'_Yeah, but I can't believe you made me lose my virginity to Tora._'

"Technically it was a clone's virginity, and maybe that was Karma's way of having me get you back for avoiding that kiss with Sasuke. You know women in anime have disturbing obsessions with yaio, and I highly doubt that the deities are any different." Naruto pouted. "Bah, don't get your panties in a twist, I'll make it up to you, alright."

'_Whatever._' Naruto griped, cutting the connection, and finding himself almost immediately brought into his subconscious for a chat wth a certain fox.

888

Naruto watched with some trepidation, and some amusement as Tora had the life squeezed out of her. Still, one of the things he'd planned on doing when he became Hokage was finding a way to spare the Genin repeated exposure to this mission.

"Ne, Shijimi-obasan, you might want to ease up a bit on the hugs." Naruto said, gaining the woman's attention. "And maybe get her a boyfriend. I think the constant death hugs, and lack of companionship might be the reason she keeps running away." Lifting the cat by the arm pits, she looked at her shocked into stillness cat.

"Is that twue Tora-chan." The cat made a pitiful sound, and found itself pulled into another hug, though thankfully less smothering. "I'm so sorry Tora-chan. Let's get you home, I've got some nice tuna, and a big bowl of cream to make up for it. Then we'll go find you a nice boy kitty." The shinobi in the room were shocked when the cat gave Naruto an almost thankful look as the woman paid her tab, and left. Ridding the Genin of Konoha of the monstrocity that is Tora would be only the first instance in Naruto's soon to be great legacy.

"Right, well congratulations on both catching Tora, and breaking the previous record by nearly eighteen minutes." Sarutobi said. "Now, for your next mission, we have babysitting an elder's grandson, shopping in a neighboring village, or helping with potato digging." Naruto gave out a sigh, as did Kakashi, Sarutobi, and Iruka, knowing what was coming next, or so they thought.

"Okay, run those by us again." Naruto said, forestalling Iruka's planned lecture. Raising his brow, Sarutobi gave the list another look.

"Babysitting an elder's grandson-"

"Which elder?" Naruto interrupted.

"Konohamaru and his friends." Naruto created a Shadow Clone which strolled up to the desk, and held out his hand for the mission request.

"I know exactly how to keep those three busy." Naruto said as the clone accepted the form, and left the room. "Consider it done, next."

"Shopping in a neighboring village." Sarutobi said, then paused.

"Client?"

"Nurse Kaori Tachigawa," He answered. "She needs help carrying a shipment of burn healing balm ingredients back to the village."

"Okay, she likes me." Naruto said grinning, before creating a dozen clones, giving them a mental note to mention Hinata's uber salve to Kaori-nee. One went to get the mission request, while the others waited for him by the door.

Kakashi, Iruka, and Sarutobi had to fight the trio of eye rolls at his declaration. Anytime Naruto was in the hospital, that woman doted on him like she was his mother. Probably would be had she not been too young when he was an orphan, and certain elements not made such a stink about about it when she was old enough. "And the last one."

"Helping pick potatoes for Ashida-san." Naruto grimaced.

"Ugh, he _doesn't_ like me."

"Why, what'd you do to him?" Sakura accused.

"Haven't a clue." Naruto said shrugging, though those in the know knew exactly why. "First time I met him, he chucked a potato at me."

"Oh." Sakura said, wondering why someone would do that. She hadn't wanted to hit Naruto until after he'd started getting on her nerves; and that hadn't been until Naruto got jealous after she'd started crushing on Sasuke years ago. Before that, he'd actually been okay, and she had to admit, an oky guy.

"Ne, jiji, you got something we can trade that one for?" Naruto asked. "He might end up losing more crops than we can harvest, and you know he'll try and say we failed, then blame it on me."

"Perhaps you're right." Sarutobi said, looking at his list. "How about trash pick up at one of the training grounds?" Naruto grinned, and created twenty clones.

"Consider it done." He said. As his clones filed out with the mission request, Naruto gave the Hokage a cheeky grin. "Now, can we finally get a C-rank, or do you have anything else for us aside from that potato mission?" The Hokage looked at his scroll, and found that while he did have several missions left, they were all requests from people who thought like Ashida-san."

"Hehe, alright, if you want it that much, I'll give you a C-rank." Sarutobi said. "I have just the one. Iruka, if you would." Iruka bowed, and went to retrieve the client.

"Very good use of your technique, Naruto." Kakashi praised.

'_**Second most awesome teammate, ever!**_" Inner Sakura cheered as Naruto completely wiped through all of the boring assignments, and got them their first C-rank. Sakura couldn't help but agree at that moment. Not only had he gotten them out of three boring D-rank missions, but he impressed the Hokage, and got them a C-rank. '_Sasuke-kun is still the best, though._' She thought.

"You're still a Dobe." Sasuke grunted.

"And you're still a stuck-up, sissy-teme."

When Iruka returned moments later, he brought with it the scent of strong sake. As the man began complaining, Naruto began a chant in his mind.

'_I will ignore his insults, I will ignore his insults, I will ignore-_" Nope, didn't work. "Okay, first of all, fuck you, you old drunk. Second, while she may be by far the weakest shinobi in this room, even Sakura could break you in half with minimal effort." Naruto had to fight back a smirk when Tazuna paled. "We're more than capable of handling bandits, especially with Kakashi-sensei along."

"Right, well I'm the super bridge builder, Tazuna." The drunk said. "I expect you to protect me until my bridge is complete."

"Yeah, yeah." Naruto said. "I just hope you don't drink that much on the job."

"Why you-" Tazuna was ignored.

"My first C-rank mission, I've been looking forward to this for a looong time." Naruto said, an unsettling grin on his face.

"Glad to hear, you may go. " At the dismissal from the Hokage, Kakashi took charge.

"I want you meet at the gates in an hour." He said. "Pack for an extended trip."

As Sarutobi leaned back in his chair, he opened a drawer, and pulled back a secret compartment. Reaching in, he pulled out the jar with his special pipe blend. While he was impressed with the way Naruto needled that C-rank, and even with the way he'd dealt with an uppity client, he didn't like that look on Naruto's face. Combining that with the headache he'd gotten from his paperwork...he deserved a nice break. Opening the jar, he noticed that he was running very low. As he filled his pipe, Sarutobi made a note to contact Mr. Nice Guy. Something told him he was going to need a lot of his special tobacco by the time Naruto returned.

As the three Genin were exiting the tower, Sakura turned to Naruto, and gave him a genuine smile.

"I never thought I'd say this, but what you did in there, you're a genius." Sakura gushed, surprisingly. Instead of accepting the praise, Naruto's eyes hardened.

"Sakura...do not...ever...call me a genius again, got it?" Naruto hissed. Naruto had met many a genius in his life, and sadly, the only one that could be considered even somewhat normal and sane was Shikamaru.

888

Seventy minutes later Naruto skidded to a stop in front of his teammates.

"Sorry I'm running late, but when I stopped by Sakura's house to see if she wanted to walk with me, I ended up getting molested by her hot mom." Naruto said. "Surprisingly, their family's hair is naturally pink." Noticing that Mt. Sakura was going to blow, that Naruto seemed to be lacking in any kind of supplies, and not wanting to miss the chance to take a free shot at the Dobe- especially with how often he found himself on the receiving end- Sasuke decided to break in.

"Where're your supplies, Dobe?" He taunted. "Did the lessons on basic mission protocol get lost in that empty head of yours, or are you just too stupid to realize you'd need to pack." The smirking Sasuke was brought up short when Naruto pulled a scroll out of his pouch.

"Actually, I've got everything I need stored in these storage scrolls." Naruto replied, grinning as Sasuke's smirk turned to a frown. "They're a lot easier to carry, and harder to lose than those packs you're carrying."

888

Naruto strolled easily along the path, only half listening to Kakashi's explanation on the shinobi nations, and how only the Great Five had leaders called Kage. Really, this kind of stuff should have been taught in the Academy...actually, it was taught in the Academy, third year. And she really had the highest test scores in the class?

"Wow!" Sakura exclaimed. "Hokage-sama is the best."

"Did you just second guess the Hokage?" Kakashi asked.

"And in front of a client, too?" Naruto added. "Geez, Sakura. You do realize that the Hokage has been nicknamed the God of Shinobi in every country, is the only man to defeat both the Sandaime Tsuchikage and Salamander Hanzo in single combat, and trained three of the most famous shinobi in history, the Legendary Sannin?"

"Good job, Naruto." Kakashi gave his eyesmile. "You're quite knowledgable about Sandaime-sama."

"Hey, I'm gonna be Hokage some day, and I plan to surpass all of the others." He said. "I gotta know my Hokage history to do that."

"What can you tell me about the Yondaime, then, aside from the Kyuubi and that he was Yondaime."

"Minato Namikaze, also known as the Yellow Flash. Became known as such after the creation of the Hiraishin no Jutsu, which he used to great success in combination with his other created technique, the Rasengan. He's the youngest Hokage ever, but he's also the most famous, and often said to be the strongest." Sasuke said, smirking. In his mind, he was vowing to find a way to learn the two techniques, as they'd be very helpful in killing Itachi.

"Good job, Sasuke, anything to add, Naruto, Sakura?" Naruto turned to Sasuke and grinned, deciding to wait for Sakura to add her input. The information he had on the Yondaime wasn't from any textbook, and was stuff that only someone particularly close to him would know.

"He was the student of Jiraiya of the Sannin, and teacher of Rin Okama, Obito Uchiha, and Kakashi-sensei." Kakashi gave a wistful smile. Sakura smirked at Naruto, thinking that between her and Sasuke, Naruto didn't have anything left.

"Let's see," Naruto started, rubbing his chin in thought. "Minato Namikaze, born January 25, about 34 years ago, to Chuunin Sora and Jounin Yumi Namikaze. His father was killed early in the Second Ninja War, and he was fully orphaned near the end when his mother's unit was ambushed by Rock ninja before the ceasefire notice reached the front lines. Having lost both of his parents to war, Jiraiya of the Sannin took a liking to the kid, and became his unofficial sponsor, but maintain his fledgling spy network, he was unable to formally adopt him. He soon became Jiraiya's Genin when he graduated, after Jiraiya requested him specifically. After he became a Chuunin, Jiraiya took him as his apprentice away from the village for a few years. They would return just in time for him to be promoted to Jounin as a pair of rookie Chuunin- Rin and Obito- lost their sensei and a teammate to combat. Kakashi was added to the team, and they were all placed under Minato as their squad leader.

Later in life, briefly dated a Chuunin named Yami Uchiha. Their relationship was never allowed to take off, because she was a clan brat, he was an orphan of little prestige, and her clan was full of Sharingan wielding doushebags." Naruto took great pleasure in Sasuke's reaction. "She would later be killed in the skirmish that sparked the Third Ninja War. Anyway, Minato began seeing another kunoichi, a childhood friend, shortly after he and Yami were forced to split. Soon after, he began work on the jutsu that would change the tide of the war. On a side note, it was she who taught him the art of Fuinjutsu, the very skills he'd use to both create the Hiraishin and defeat the Kyuubi. Soon after the war was over, they married, but the identity of the kunoichi has been classified. There were even rumors that he'd had a child with his wife, but they were never confirmed." They all stared at him in absolute shock. "By the way, Sasuke, he's considered the most gifted Hokage, and third strongest. Jiji is the strongest of the Hokage, followed by the Shodai."

"Naruto, you baka, stop trying to make things up to seem like you know something."

"Actually, with the exception of his origins, which you'd have to ask Jiraiya to confirm, everything that Naruto said was the truth." Kakashi said amazed, causing the other to Genin to balk. "While not classified, that information is not very well known."

"I told you, I know my Hokage trivia." Naruto said. "I bet you never knew that I'm related to the First, did you?"

"Tch, yeah, that'll be the day." Sakura said. "If you're related to the Shodai, then I'll go on a date with you."

"Shodai Hokage Hashirama Senju married Mito Uzumaki." Naruto said. "Their first child, a daughter named Yumi, married back into the Uzumaki Clan, and was the grandmother of Kushina Uzumaki, my mother." Naruto smirked at the girl. "Don't worry, you don't have to if you don't want to."

"Naruto," Kakashi asked. "Just how did you find that out?"

"Plothole." Naruto said, shrugging, and walking ahead. Kakashi's shoulders slumped, knowing that if he thought too much about this mystery plothole, he'd just wind up with a headache.

It was a few minutes later that Naruto sighed, spotting something that he'd completely forgotten about.

'_I forgot about them._' Naruto thought. '_Hey, are we really doing the Demon Brothers thing? I can't think of anything fun to do to them that hasn't been done better already._'

"Well I don't have have anything clever to add to the situation either." NB answered. "So I figure, it depends."

'_On what?_'

"On whether you're still holding yourself to the promises you made before." NB replied. "You made a promise when you stabbed yourself in the hand last time, that you'd never need saving and that you'd never be afraid and run. I think that might have been fairly significant."

'_If I say yes, can we skip this part?_'

"Yup."

'_Then yes, I'm still keeping all unfulfilled promises, and select completed ones._'

"You know that means you have to go knock up the Demon Country Priestess, right."

'_Crap, I forgot all about that one._' Naruto mentally murmured. '_But how can I do that when she doesn't know who I am? There's also the fact that we may not get that mission this time, and there's no guarantee that things will occur in such a manner that she would want me to._'

"How about we stick with manga promises for now?" Naruto nodded, confusing his teammates and client. "So it's said, so it shall be."

Little did our hero know, but a certain priestess in training would begin to have almost daily visions, and nightly dreams about a young man bearing a Konoha headband- who resembled the fabled Yondaime of Konoha with whisker marks- helping her pass her powers on.

Because we've decided to skip the event, the fight with the Demon Brothers was rather anti-climactic. After slicing what they thought was Kakashi to ribbons, they went after Naruto, only to be interrupted during their declaration of "Two down." by the blond elbowing them both in the face. When Sasuke decided to 'save the day', the combination of the stunning elbow from Naruto, and the mule kick from Sasuke knocked the two Chuunin out. After a quick interrogation of both Tazuna and the Demon Brothers- who Naruto proceeded to strip of their clothing and equipment, earning praise from Kakashi- it was decided that they would continue the mission.

888

"Quack quack." Naruto said suddenly once they'd reached Wave.

"Quack quack, what's that supposed to mean?" Sakura asked.

"Duck!" Kakashi ordered, pulling Tazuna down. The three Genin ducked just as a massive sword flew over their heads, well, Sakura and Sasuke did as Naruto had already hit the deck.

The group climbed back to their feet, and took in the new arrival.

"Wow, that's a seriously big sword." Naruto mused. "Over-compensating much?" Zabuza nearly fell off his sword at the comment. Sakura's jaw dropped in shock, Sasuke's face took on a slightly constipated look (he was trying to look cool by not laughing), and Tazuna let out a slightly drunken snort of laughter. Kakashi's eye crinkling was the only thing that gave away his amusement. Even the hidden Haku was giggling softly to himself.

And so the battle began; and really if you've read the manga and enough fanfiction, then you pretty much know how this one goes. Well, there was one exception. A tiny little alteration that both NB and Naruto agreed someone should have thought of before.

"Ne, Kakashi-sensei, I can understand playing up the helpless role to make him think he's got you trapped, but how long are you just going to sit there?" Naruto asked. "I mean, spring the trap already."

"What trap?" Zabuza asked.

"Naruto, stop stalling, and run." Kakashi yelled.

"Wait, you mean to tell me that you can't think of a single way to escape?" Naruto's tone was incredulous. Turning to his female teammate, Naruto grumbled. "This is exactly why I said never call me a genius. Being a genius means you lose simple things, like common sense." Once again, Sasuke and Sakura were forced to wonder whether they had seriously underestimated Naruto.

"What the hell is this kid on about, Kakashi?" The Jounin shrugged.

"Kakashi-sensei, do you not have several somethings sharp at your disposal?" Naruto asked. "And is it also true that so long as he wishes to keep you locked in that jutsu, he cannot move his hand? So why don't you take the chance to slit his wrist, or at least jab a kunai or something into his hand?"

So shocked were they, that it took almost five minutes for either of the two Jounin to do anything. In the end, Zabuza almost lost his hand, and again, Kakashi escaped, and pulled his little 'monkey see, monkey do' routine. Then, of course Haku showed up, took Zabuza away, and he was again designated the pack mule for a chakra exhausted Kakashi. Instead of giving himself back problems, though, Naruto decided to just drag Kakashi to Tazuna's house by his feet. Sure, Sakura bitched at him the whole way there, but it was well worth her harping.

888

"Good morning all." Kakashi said, surprised, yet happy to see his student reading. After informing them that Zabuza was still alive, he'd hoped they'd do as they'd done back home, and start training themselves.

He was glad that at least one of them was still trying to keep busy even while he was out of action. His smile, had one been able to see it, was wide with pride. He was still weary from his bout of chakra exhaustion, and needed the help of a crutch to get around, but it was still time to get to work. If he was right, then they only had a bit over a week to get ready.

"Whatcha reading, Naruto?" The Jounin asked.

"The Uzumaki Guide to Manipulating Elemental Affinities." Kakashi's smile began to fade. "I'm a wind type."

"Naruto, where did you get that?" Kakashi asked.

"It came with the Uzumaki family scroll." Naruto replied easily, pointing to the rather large scroll sitting next to him. '_Man it's awesome having a friend beyond the Fourth Wall. Even if the scroll hadn't existed before, since there's so little knowledge on his clan in the series, and the author wrote it in, it does now._' Leaning over, Kakashi found a scroll that was easily as tall as the Forbidden Scroll, and more than twice in girth. How he'd missed that when he entered the room, he didn't know.

"And just where did you get the Uzumaki family scroll?" Kakashi asked. "Your mother said that the only thing left of your Clan's after Uzushiogakure was destroyed were the basic sealing books, and the sealing techniques that she and the Shodai's wife brought with them. All of which are being held by the Hokage as part of your inheritance when you fulfill the requirements." Sasuke and Sakura could only stare on in shock.

'_The Dobe/Naruto was from a clan?_' Sasuke and Sakura thought. Before you ask, yeah, they did forget that conversation from last chapter.

'_Am I the only one who doesn't come from a powerful clan?_' Sakura added seconds later.

The answer to that question, Sakura, is no. But the irony of the whole thing, is that her clan was almost totally wiped out by the Uchiha during an attempt to form an alliance. The reason, because they were a clan in the same region that had the potential to be as powerful as the Uchiha. The crazy bastards couldn't deal with any other clan being as powerful as them, and tended to go on genocidal romps. The only reason that they didn't do the same with the Senju, was because Hashirama Senju could easily kick their strongest member's ass even when weakened by the flu. And no, Madara was never able to live that down, and it was part of the reason he was so pissy all the time, had been so adamantly against the alliance, and eventually tried to attack Konoha with Kyuubi.

"Um...really big plothole?" Naruto tried in answer to Kakashi's question. Kakashi stared at him for several moments, before deciding that he'd rather not know, as that meant that he wasn't responsible, and wouldn't have to answer to the Hokage about it. It was then that Kakashi's words really registered with the last Uchiha.

'_The Dobe had an inheritance from a powerful clan._' Sasuke thought. '_Maybe there was something he could use against Itachi._'

"Dobe, give me that scroll." Sasuke demanded, shocking everyone at the table.

"No." Naruto replied, offended that the bastard would just demand he hand over his family's stuff. "I don't see you sharing anything your family left you, so why should I?"

"Because not only do I need that power to kill my brother," Sakura, of course, swooned at his declaration. She was halted mid-swoon by Sasuke's next comment. "But neither you, or that pink waste of space are strong enough to use, or even deserve, them." Both she and Naruto frowned.

"You know, Sasuke," Naruto said. "If you weren't such a dick, I might have let you borrow the section on fire affinities. But now, you can go burn yourself. Maybe you'll get lucky, and turn that duck's ass hairdo into something respectable." Sasuke gave him a fierce glare, and walked away, vowing to just borrow it when Naruto went to sleep.

'_**Yeah, tell that bastard, Naruto!**_' Inner Sakura yelled, punching an imaginary opponent. Sakura, for her part, was undecided on whether she wanted to slap Naruto for insulting Sasuke, and agreeing with her Inner Persona.

Kakashi gave a sigh of exasperation. While they'd gotten lucky this time, and normally Sasuke completely deserved it- especially this time- this far too common happenstance was starting to grate on his nerves.

"Naruto could you please not antagonize and mock Sasuke?" Kakashi said, getting annoyed at hearing the Uchiha rant about his pain and anguish everytime Naruto did something like this to him.

"But he makes it so easy."

"While that is true, you should be mature enough to show some restraint." Kakashi said.

"I'm twelve, I'm not supposed to be that mature yet."

"Then do it for the sake of my sanity." Kakashi said. "I'll even teach you the one Fuuton jutsu that I know if you stop for at least the duration of the mission." Naruto thought about it for a moment, before nodding.

"Deal." Naruto grinned.

"Alright, you two get ready, I'm taking you down to the docks to start you on Water Walking." Kakashi said. "I'll go get Sasuke, and we'll be on our way."

888

Almost as soon as they'd arrived at the docks, things had gone downhill. After showing them how to perform the technique, Kakashi had left them alone to work, while he guarded Tazuna at the bridge. Naruto let a snicker loose as he thought of what a fight between a nearly crippled Zabuza and a severely weakened Kakashi would be like. The one piece of advice he'd given them, was to start at the shallow end, and work their way to the deeper end as they progressed. Given his knowledge and experience with the technique, it didn't take long for Naruto get his footing in the shallow water, and move to deeper sections. Sakura, whose chakra control was pretty damn unnatural, and who asked for help, got it soon after, but had to rest after each bit of progress made, given her limited reserves.

Sasuke on the other hand, was still trying to get his footing in the shallow end. His pride wouldn't allow him to ask for help, and when either Naruto or Sakura offered to help him, he'd snap at them, and tell that he didn't need any help from weaklings. Naruto didn't bother asking after that, and Sakura only bothered two more times before she gave up as well.

Once he'd gotten far enough into the water that his feet no longer touched the bottom, Naruto placed his hand into a familiar seal, and with a sudden burst of chakra, created over a hundred Kage Bunshin.

"Naruto, what are you doing?" Sakura asked from a few meters away.

"Well, since I get the memories and experience of my clones when they pop, this will help me speed up my progress even more."

"Naruto, that's cheating." Sakura yelled.

"And Sasuke being able to copy and learn something without having to do anything but watch it done with his Sharingan isn't?" He asked. "Look, I'm man enough to admit I have the worst chakra control on the team, and having Kage level chakra reserves doesn't help that fact. We both know I need all the help I can get."

Sakura gave an annoyed sigh, she couldn't really deny his words after all.

888

Several hours later, two Genin entered the home of their Wave Country hosts. Both had looks of happiness at the progress they'd made, and couldn't wait to get back out the next day...unless Kakashi-sensei decided to have them on guard duty. Naruto was now back up to where he'd been before his training trip with Ero-Sennin, and was hoping to start sparring with his clones the next day. Sakura had finally gotten to a point where her feet no longer touched the bottom. She'd profusely thanked Naruto for the soldier pill, for she'd have never made it as far as she had on her own flimsy reserves.

As for the third Genin...well he didn't do so well. Seeing his teammates progressing so quickly on something that he was struggling with had stung his pride. He'd only made it to the knee deep waters, and had walked off to sulk around midday. Sasuke wasn't worried. He was still better than the Dobe and the fangirl, and once he had his Sharingan activated, he'd be able to see exactly how to do it. When he finally returned from his training, he gave Naruto a glare of epic proportions (well, it was epic in his mind, rating only about 14,562,317th all time), before immediately heading up to the room he shared with Naruto. He didn't have the scroll with him, so now was his chance to ste-ahem, borrow, yes borrow something useful from the Dobe.

Kakashi returned several minutes later with Tazuna, just as Tsunami began bustling around the kitchen. This is not to be confused with the bustling of a certain redhead matriarch from another unnamed series with an extrememly disappointing climax and ending. No, unlike that other woman, Tsunami used a technique that women like her employed to great effect, and that most often they didn't realize they were using; one I like to call the MILF bustle, and boy did it work for her.

"So, how did things go with your training?" Kakashi asked, already having an idea of what occurred.

"I'm up to a point where I can start training on top of the water." Naruto said, surprising Kakashi. "My large reserves and Kage Bunshin help a lot, so it shouldn't take long before I can do it without thinking about it."

"What about you, Sakura?"

"Well, I got pretty far with it," Sakura answered. "I'm up to a point where my feet no longer touch the ground, but I still have to concentrate." Kakashi's brow raised.

"I gave her a soldier pill." Naruto interrupted.

"Naruto-" Kakashi started.

"Don't worry, I gave it to her in pieces." Naruto said. "Her reserves aren't currently large enough to withstand the boost a whole pill can give you at once. She'll probably have to rest tomorrow, but no harm done."

"Hmm, well you're a little farther along than I thought you'd be, but that's a good thing." Kakashi said, rubbing his chin. "What about Sasuke?"

"He's gonna be awhile." Naruto said, sighing. "A combination of not improving as fast as he felt he should be, and the fact that we were progressing faster than the 'elite Uchiha' hurt his ego, and he wouldn't accept any help. He got up to his knees in the couple hours that he was working on it, which is pretty good all things considered, but it's like he doesn't understand that he's not going to be the best at everything, or something. I mean, with Sakura's lower reserves, and insane control, she's not going to have much trouble with any of the chakra control exercises."

"Oh, and why do you say that?" Kakashi asked.

"Well, considering that until she really starts hitting puberty most of her chakra reserve increases will come by way of chakra control exercises, any growth she has will already be properly controlled. Unless I'm mistaken, her level of control far excedes her reserves, and she'd probably have no trouble maintaining Sasuke's reserves as is."

"And with you, the stupidly high level chakra reserves you have means that you'll be able to keep practicing long after your teammates have tired, and with you gaining the experience of your Kage Bunshin, your progress is accelerated as well. By the way, how many did you have working on this?"

"A little over a hundred, but I didn't start using them until after my feet stopped touching the ground." Naruto saw the question in Kakashi's eye, and beat him to it. "And before you ask, I've been doing a lot of research on chakra control exercises for obvious reasons. I've read up on the theory of Water Walking, and my family scroll had some tips as well."

"Well, I'm proud of your progress." Kakashi said. As he prepared to inform his students about the schedule for the next day, they heard a loud voice proclaim.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" The loud yell drew the attention and attendance of every shinobi in the house to the sound in an almost instant; well Sakura took a little longer, but only because she didn't have the luxury of a certain jutsu.

With Shunshin on their side, Kakashi and Naruto arrived in time to see a huge wraith- one that looked incredibly enough like 'Demon Aura Kushina' as his sensei liked to call her uber pissed mode- placing its hands into the Tora seal, and jamming them up Sasuke's ass. A loud girlish scream echoed in the room as Sasuke was lifted off the ground, and dangled in the air like a coat on a coatrack. Seconds later, the wraith flashed, Sasuke eyes went completely blank, and the wraith disappeared, dropping the boy unceremoniously to the ground.

"Naruto, I thought that we agreed you wouldn't antagonize Sasuke anymore for the rest of the mission?" Kakashi said, putting his traumatized student to sleep with his Sharingan.

"That wasn't my fault, it was part of the protections on the scroll." Naruto replied defensively. "Besides, it's his fault for trying to borrow my stuff without permission." Kakashi sighed, knowing that in this case, he couldn't argue logically, and beginning an argument with Naruto that was devoid of logic...he didn't want to risk that at the moment.

888888888

Kakashi, Sakura, and Sasuke arrived at the bridge to find it covered in Mist. The workers were all lying on the ground, moaning in pain, and the ninja that they had decided was Zabuza's accomplice was kneeling next to one of them, while several of Zabuza's water clones were standing over them. Just as they moved to rescue the workers, specifically the one being accosted by the accomplice, the water clones surrounded them.

"Kakashi." Zabuza said from the mist. "We don't have to do this."

"Zabuza, you're not going to get me surrender Tazuna." Taking a look at his- shaking in anticipation- student, Kakashi gave an eyesmile.

"Do it, Sasuke." Kakashi said. In a flurry of motion, the Uchiha had killed the clones.

"Damn it." It was at this point that Kakashi actually noticed the non aggressive stance of the Jounin, and became slightly confused, and with good reason.

"Sasuke, you take the accomplice-" His statement was cut off as Sasuke, who had wrongly anticipated his sensei's command, charged at the distracted nin. When Zabuza pulled his sword, and ran to intercept his student, Kakashi knew that fighting was the only choice now. He didn't know why Zabuza had been unwilling to engage them at first, but now that he was, there wouldn't be any holding back.

888

As it turns out, Zabuza and Haku hadn't come to fight, and weren't even responsible for the condition the workers were found in.

You see, the very attractive wife of one of the workers had taken it upon herself to make lunch for the others. The only problem was, she wasn't a very good cook (she fell into the cliche of too hot to be domestically proficient). Normally, this wouldn't have been a problem, as it was still mostly edible. This time however, her just passing acceptable culinary talents were compounded by the fact that the meat she used was bad, and they all ended up with food poisoning. A rather fast acting, created out of plot necessity, food poisoning.

Upon arrival, Haku and Zabuza had found many of the workers laying on the ground, clutching their stomachs, and groaning in pain. Haku, kind hearted being that she was, decided to help them. Zabuza had learned something new that day. When he'd questioned her as to why she wanted him to use the Kirigakure no Jutsu, and make it just a tad thicker than normal, she'd explained one of the little known uses for the jutsu. The mist actually helped ease the aches, and feelings of nausea that were associated with food poisoning (pregnancy and menstruation as well) and could also slow the effects of poisons as the chakra enhanced vapors would attract the poison once it entered the bloodstream along with the inhaled oxygen, and stall the attack on the system proper. She'd also had him make several water clones to keep an eye on the others, in case their conditions took a bad turn.

It was as Haku had started working on the second worker, that Zabuza felt several chakra signatures arrive. Deciding to stave off an unnecessary confrontation, and to keep the Konoha nin from disturbing Haku (who absolutely hated to be bothered while h-she, while she- was healing), Zabuza ordered his clones to surround them.

"Kakashi." Zabuza started. "We don't have to do this-" He found himself interrupted.

"Zabuza, you're not going to get me to surrender Tazuna." Kakashi said, causing Zabuza to gain a confused look.

'_Huh, surrender?_' Zabuza thought. '_What's he talking about? I'm not about to fight them, especially not after that blond brat did...whatever it was to Haku. And why the hell was that brat shaking. Was he having some kind of involuntary spasm?_'

"Do it, Sasuke." Kakashi said. Zabuza watched in frustration as the Uchiha killed his clones, though he was admittedly impressed. Still, that meant more work for him as he had to keep an eye on the workers alone, and hold up the mist.

"Damn it." Zabuza muttered; the last thing he wanted at the moment was a fight.

"Sasuke, you take the accomplice-" Zabuza's eyes widened in horror as the boy charged the distracted kunoichi tending to the workers. As Zabuza ran to intercept the boy about to make a grave mistake, there was only one thing going through his mind.

'_Shit, I hope that little blond kid doesn't show up. He's going to...well I'm not sure, but I doubt I'll like it._' For one to realize his reaction, one only had to go back to a couple days ago.

**Two days ago...**

Team 7 was seated at the table with Tazuna's family eating another wonderfully prepared meal. As he ate, Naruto noticed that he was getting on and off glares from his left, and a steady glare from the right. Sasuke was dividing his glare between himself and Sakura (much to the girls horror), while Inari was focused on their entire team who happened to all be seated together at one end. As Kakashi was going over his plans for their guard duty and training for the next day, he was interrupted.

"Why do you bother trying?" Inari yelled, tears in his eyes. "You'll never be strong enough to beat Gato. No matter what you say, you'll just be killed like everyone else."

"Yeah, unlike you, I'm not about to be owned by some bastard like Gato." Naruto snarked, amused that the gaki had cracked much sooner. If he remembered correctly, Inari hadn't gone on this rant until after he'd met Haku.

"Shut up!" Inari yelled, the tears now falling. "You don't know anything about us. You're always smiling and being happy, none of you know how hard life can be." Naruto and Sasuke immediately stiffened, the latter glaring, and had anyone been able to see beneath his mask, they'd have seen Kakashi's mouth form a thin line.

"Tsunami-san, Tazuna-san, I hope you can forgive me, but I can't take it anymore." Naruto said, standing and appearing suddenly behind Inari. The boy gave out a loud cry of anguish when he was suddenly lifted three feet off the ground by his underpants. Naruto turned the boy so that he could look him in the eye.

"Since my teammates and I have grown tired of listening to you, from now on, I'm going to do this every time we're forced to listen to you whine." Naruto said. "You're not the only one whose had a bad life, you little brat. Have you ever had someone you cared about or trusted try to kill you like me and Sasuke?" Inari shook his head. "Then suck it up, and stop being such a big baby. If you want your circumstances to change, then stop bending over for Gato, and taking it up the ass like everyone else. Be like your grandpa, and do something the hell about it." Naruto then dropped the boy, and watched as he ran from the kitchen to his room.

While Sakura berated Naruto on the outside (although she was wondering about what he'd meant by someone trying to kill he and Sasuke), Inner Sakura was again cheering Naruto on, and proclaiming him the second best teammate ever. It should be noted that the sign she held up that detailed the difference in awesomeness between Sasuke and Naruto showed a much smaller gap than the time before. NB would like to take a moment to question this girls sanity, considering that just a couple days prior, she'd been angry at Sasuke for calling her a waste of space.

"Naruto," Kakashi began.

"Don't bother, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto interrupted. "I know what you're going to say, and even if you are right, I'm too annoyed to care at the moment. I'm going out, don't wait up."

8888

Early the next morning, an extremely effeminate boy could be found staring out the second floor window of a multi-level, overly elaborate, beehive shaped treehouse. Haku smiled sadly to himself, knowing that Gouzu and Meizu would have had a fit if they'd known that he had referred to their base as such. They had been like older brothers, and they would be missed. Unfortunately, Haku couldn't dwell on that, he had a lot of things to do today, first of which was gathering some herbs to help speed up Zabuza-sama's recovery. Untying his hair, Haku let the soft, raven strands fall down his back.

A quick glance at the mirror caused the boy to sigh again, as beautiful, feminine features stared back at him. It was these features that made it so hard for the boy to find someone special; well aside from his makeshift family.

Now, one thing to realize about Haku, was that he didn't necessarily swing both ways, more like he just didn't have a true sexual preference. Growing up isolated, and as the perfect tool for Zabuza had never allowed him to truly develop a preference, so when he finally hit puberty, he found that his hormones were reacting to both men and women. Unfortunately, he hadn't had much luck in the social life area with either gender, even when Zabuza did allow him time off to try.

With women, he always found himself attracting the attention of beautiful, but shallow girls. Ones that ultimately couldn't deal with the fact that he probably looked hotter to most heterosexual guys than she did. Then, when he found a girl who wasn't bothered by that, they were usually bishounen yaio fetishists of such an extreme nature as to frighten him.

With men, it was just as bad. He either wound up attracting heterosexual men, or homosexual men who didn't like the fact that he looked so much like a woman. For some reason, he could never find a guy that liked both.

Haku shook his head of such thoughts. He had a job to do, and contemplating his lack of a social life would not get that done. Removing his normal attire, he pulled on his favorite pink kimono, one decorated with small red spirals. NB would like to point out the irony of the design, especially considering certain events that were soon to take place. Anyway, once he'd also adorned a small black choker- one that served to not only add to the non-threatening feminine look, but also hide his Adam's Apple- he headed for the exit to his living space.

Sparing a glance at his bedridden master as he passed through the first level, Haku stopped only long enough to put his sandals on, before heading out of the building. A short sprint, and he landed in an area that had an abundance of the herbs he was looking for. Haku made haste picking the herbs for Zabuza, not willing to take the chance that Gato might visit while he was gone.

As he knelt at the edge of a clearing, a freshly picked herb in his hand, Haku spotted the blond boy who had made the rather interesting observation about the Suirou no Jutsu. He was dozing under a tree, but it was far from a peaceful sleep. He was moaning like he was in pain, and thrashing wildly, possibly in the midst of a nightmare. Haku pulled a senbon from the sleeve of his kimono, but paused, finding himself oddly unable to just kill this boy. Sighing, Haku replaced his senbon.

Remembering some of his own night terrors, and feeling uncomfortable with just allowing the boy to suffer, Haku decided to act. Just as he reached out to touch the boy...

"Gah, bad kitty!" Naruto screamed, bolting up, only to find himself staring at the most beautiful face he'd ever seen. And considering some of the women he'd met in his life (Mei, Mabui, that girl that Ero-Sennin ran off with when they were searching for baachan), that was saying something.

"Are you all right?" The criminally sexy voice of the older nin asked.

"I will be." Naruto grinned. "So, what are you doing out here?"

888

Naruto grinned. This meeting was going the exact same way as it had the last time. Well, with one major difference that he was about to make now.

"You're really beautiful." Naruto said. "I wish I could have a girlfriend as beautiful as you. Hey, you wanna be my girlfriend?"

Haku sighed. Another relationship request, and yet another handsome potential suitor he was forced to turn down; he just couldn't catch a break. And while he knew that being Zabuza's tool meant that he lived his life for his master, that didn't mean the man was so cruel as to deny Haku a social life- well to an extent, anyway- should he find one.

It was times like this that Haku really hated being a boy with the petiteness and facial structure of a beautiful woman. Why couldn't he have just been born a girl instead, or even been given feminine curves. At least then he could have gotten implants, and passed himself off as an unlucky futanari. There were a surprisingly decent number of guys who were into that. But alas, he was all male, and unforunately the young man in front of him didn't give off the 'I swing both ways' vibe.

"I'm flattered, Naruto-kun, but I'm a boy." Haku said, smiling sweetly. Naruto remembered all of the fics he'd read where Haku was really a girl pretending to be a boy, and ended up his lover, pseudo sister, or tool/sex toy (oddly enough at her own insistence in most cases). Sadly, his nose told him that his Haku really was a boy...at least for now. No point in letting such beauty go to waste. Naruto remembered the conversation he'd had with Kyuubi a few days ago when he'd told him what he was going to do.

Flashback

"_**You're really going to use one of your changes to make that boy a girl?**_" Kyuubi asked in his head.

"_Yup._" Naruto thought back. "_Why should I have to settle for Sakura, when I can have a super hottie like fem!Haku?_" The Kyuubi thought about that for a second, and had to admit that the brat had a point.

"_**Okay, I'll give you that, but don't you dare leave out that Hyuuga girl.**_" The fox spat. "_**You've seen how much she develops when you're gone with the pervert. She's already in love with you brat, you better claim that ass and bosom, or I'll personally make things very difficult for you.**_"

"_Hello, have you been paying attention. I already plan to marry Hinata someday if she'll have me._" Naruto said. "_But I'm gonna wait until after my training with Jiraiya. She's way too adorable right now, and I'd feel like I a dirty old man taking advantage of an innocent little girl._"

"_**You're only four years her senior as it is, brat.**_" The fox, grunted. "_**Even mentally.**_"

"_That's true, but even if I were the same age as her mentally, I'd still feel that way._" The Kyuubi gave an infamous Uchiha grunt. After all, the fox completely understood what the brat meant. The brat better not wait too long though, that was how he'd lost that cute Uzumaki girl to Dorky McWoody (1).

_**Flashback End**_

"Nuh uh, you're a girl." Naruto argued, just as he'd planned. "A really pretty girl." Haku gave him an odd look, before sending pity his way.

"I'm sorry, but I am a boy." Haku reiterated, causing Naruto to frown. "It's alright, others have made that mistake as well." Naruto gave the boy (yeah right) a glare.

"You. Are. A. Girl." Naruto said, forcefully. Haku, who was starting to get annoyed, was about to argue further, when Naruto raised his eyebrow, and cleared his throat expectantly.

Haku's words of declaration of his masculinity (snicker) were cut short as a pair of perky B-cup breasts, topped with even more perky nipples, sprouted on his chest. This was followed by his junk shrinking to nothing, his penis changing into a decently prominent clitoris, and his Adam's apple disappearing. Next, the young...uhh...person felt a burning sensation inside their body, as certain gender specific organs and innards began to shift and morph, and he felt the skin, flesh, muscle, etc. between his legs split and morph into a certain opening. Finally, when the hard, flat planes of Haku's figure became soft, feminine curves, there was nothing more the young kunoichi could say. In a rather subdued and confused- but very sexy- voice Haku spoke.

"I-I'm a girl." Haku, who'd noticed that her normally soft, husky voice was now quite sexy, finally admitted to herself.

"And a very sexy one at that." Naruto replied, making her blush. "Now, take me to your boss, I need to tell him something." Still shocked and confused as to how she'd gone from a boy to a girl, Haku just went along with the order. The short trip was made in siilence, and when the pair arrived at the small hide out, Haku entered first. As soon as the door opened, Zabuza spoke up.

"Haku, good you're back." He said. "We need to start getting ready for...huh?" Zabuza paused as he looked up. The Mist Nuke-nin blinked, then again, then a third time, before settling for a look of confusion.

"I'm a girl." Haku said, still somewhat shocked and confused herself. Though if she were really honest with herself, this would make things much easier for her love life.

"...I see." Zabuza answered.

He was about to ask how it happened, but then decided he really didn't want to know. Though it was extremely creepy, having a hot female tool was a lot easier to deal with than having the undisputed idol (2) of bishounin tools. Of course, that also meant that he'd have to deal with monthly cycles, screwed up hormones, emotional inconsistencies, and threatening dates, if she ever managed to get one. A wide grin actually spread over his face at that last thought. Maybe he would finally get the chance to threaten a date with Haku like this. Ringo (3) had always bragged about how fun it could be.

"Anyway, we need to do some recon. Once I'm healed, we will finish this mission." Just then a voice interrupted.

"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that." Naruto entered the large tree house, for that was what it was, and gave Zabuza a foxy grin. Despite her confusion, Haku couldn't help but gain a light blush at the handsome look. Naruto suddenly found the point of a sword at his throat.

"You've got some balls coming here kid." The Jounin said.

"I just want to talk." Naruto said. Zabuza suddenly felt compelled to hear him out, while Naruto heard a voice in his ear that sounded like 'a freebie'.

"You've got thirty seconds." He said.

"Gato is a creepy little bastard, and we both know he's going to end up double crossing you." Naruto said quickly.

"How do you know this?" Now Zabuza was never one to just take information at face value, but given that the kid had pointed out a major flaw in the Water Prison, it would be wise to at least hear him out.

"Call it a hunch." Naruto replied. "Besides, did Gato ever give you the impression that you could trust him to keep his word."

"He has a point, Zabuza-sama." The super sexy voice of Haku intoned. Zabuza was forced to remind himself that he saw Haku as just his asexual t...oh who was he kidding, his s- oops, that was daughter now- when he heard her voice use that particular honorific. Ten kinds of wrong, that.

"Okay, give me a good reason why I shouldn't kill you kid." Zabuza said. "Before I go and kill the midget."

"Because I'm pretty sure you're not gay," Naruto started; afterall he _had_ seen a few fics where Zabuza and Haku were both male, and had a much deeper relationship than he'd ever considered possible. One that would have had Sakura with a mask like Kakashi's made of blood.

Zabuza, who was about to cut down the boy regardless of what he said, paused. What could him killing the brat have to do with his sexuality? He continued readying his sword to attack, but decided to at least hear the brat out, and discovered that it was a very good idea.

"So that means that you're likely into the Icha Icha Paradise series. My godfather happens to be the author of said series, so I'm pretty sure if I express an interest, I could get you signed, free copies for life." Naruto noticed the man's hand stall. "Come on, the power of Icha compels you." Zabuza had to admit, it was a very convincing argument. Free Icha Icha for life.

"I'll think about it brat." He growled. "Now get out of my sight before I change my mind." Nodding, Naruto threw out one last comment.

"Ne, Haku-chan, that offer of being my girlfriend is still open if you want it." He said. "I promise to treat you good." Naruto then disappeared in a swirl of bubbles, gaining a look of confusion from the former Mist ninja.

"Zabuza-sama, I think we should take his offer." Haku said after Naruto left.

"Oh?" He asked, noticing the very intense red covering the normally pale features of his apprentice.

"Yes, not only would it give us the chance to find out what happens to Miko in Volume II of Icha Icha Violence, but that boy somehow turned me into a girl. He did this without touching me, or using any kind of jutsu. We do not know what all he is capable of doing to an enemy, and I do not wish to find out." '_Not to mention that his offer is appealing, and I'd like to try out my new body with him. He was rather handsome, and we got along well during the time we had alone._'

Zabuza thought about both points his so- daughter, it was daughter now- the points his daughter had made. Never having to wait so long to find out what happened next in his beloved Icha Icha was a plus, not to mention that Konoha was always the first to get the new books (he now knew why). There was also the fact that last he'd checked, Haku had been a boy; a very beautiful Bishounin boy, but still a boy. That the brat had turned _him_ into a _her_ was worrying, and he really didn't want to know what else that brat was capable of doing if he could so drastically change a person's physiology without touching them.

Not to mention that extra little subtle threat the brat had cunningly added. It was well known that Jiraiya of the Sannin was the author of Icha Icha, and if what the brat said was true, that meant he was Jiraiya's godson, and that meant that should he bring harm to the boy, he'd have to deal with Jiraiya looking into his bounty. Whether the boy was bluffing or not, Zabuza was smart enough to realize that when comparing himself- and even Haku- to one of the Sannin, it was best to err on the side of caution.

888

"Naruto, where have you been?" Kakashi asked as soon as he entered the house.

"Talking to this hot girl, and her dad." Naruto said. "If I play my cards right, I might be able to get me a 'buddy' here in Wave." Unsurprisingly, Kakashi was the only one who approved of Naruto's time spent. Fortunately, he was also the only one who truly understood what Naruto was hinting at.

"Leave it to you to try and make friends in a hostile environment." Sasuke sneered.

"You'd better be glad that I promised Kakashi-sensei that I wouldn't antagonize you for the rest of the mission." Naruto grumbled. "Anyway, where's the crybaby, I've got something to show him."

"What do you want?" A voice sounded from behind.

"I've got a present for you." Naruto said, gesturing for the boy to follow him. Half an hour later, Inari came back in, not quite happy, but less solomn than he'd been.

"Inari-kun, where's Naruto?" The boy's mother asked.

"He went to do some more training." The boy responded.

Much later that evening, Naruto returned with a smile on his face. His training had been very fruitful. While he hadn't quite gotten the pure Fuuton Manipulation down, he was making progress, and had already gotten the jutsu Kakashi had finally showed him down. Naruto had left a small area full of trees looking the worse for wear, and was completely exhausted.

**Present Day...**

Now, before we get moving, for anyone who is interested, Naruto's heroic rescue of Tsunami and her son was far less impressive than normal canon. As Naruto finished dressing, he happened to look out the window in time to see Inari confronting the two thugs.

As Inari ran at the man holding his mother, practically right into the path of the blade- like he was suicidal or something- Naruto appeared to save the day...sort of. The shirtless thug swung his poorly maintained katana, trying to cut Inari to pieces, only to find his strike blocked by Naruto. With a cry of-

"Nut Shot!" -Naruto kicked the shirtless man in the nads, effectively ending his effectiveness. Using the technique he was shown, and the weapon he was given, Inari took advantage of the distraction, and jabbed the senbon in his hand forward with a cry of.

"Inverted Sennin Coroshi! (4)"

As it would happen, Tsunami is a very attractive woman, a Grade A MILF, so it would stand to reason that she'd cause certain reactions in men...expecially the hired thugs of an asshole who condones the rape of female hostages. Unfortunately for them, NB is taking point on this fic, and thought they were failures as characters. Therefore, when Inari used the technique that Naruto had showed him, he jabbed the senbon in at such an angle, that the loser with the long hair got himself a sharp, metal catheter.

And we're moving on.

888

As she again, happily, peppered the dark haired boy with needles- both ice and normal- Haku thought back on how the situation had devolved from the first move. Haku had found herself disappointed when the group from Konoha had shown up, and interrupted her mmedical work. It didn't help their situation that Naruto-sama hadn't been with them. After the initial shock of actually being turned into a girl had worn off, Haku was overjoyed. That boy had given her the thing she'd always wanted, and she had decided that he was to be her suitor if he accepted.

Then, out of nowhere, the idiot she was currently fighting had jumped the gun before they could relay that they didn't want to fight, and she could question Naruto-sama's relationship status. After that, Zabuza-sama had jumped in, then Kakashi, and now they were all fighting. Haku hoped to whatever deity that was watching that Naruto-sama didn't find out about this.

"Hey, what's going on here?" Naruto called out, using a wind jutsu to disperse the mist. "Zabuza, you don't get the free Icha if you attack my sensei. And you, Haku, if you're going to be my girlfriend, we can't have you getting into fights with my teammates."

"Hey, we came in peace," Zabuza shot back. "That hot-headed little brat with the duck's ass haircut attacked us first, we just defended ourselves."

"Sasuke, you bastard, if you've ruined my chances with Haku, I'm going to tie you to a bed naked with no way to escape, and leave you to the tender mercies of your fangirls." Sasuke's face took on one of anger and horror. Sakura, who'd heard the yelled comment, collapsed with a nosebleed.

"You're getting your ass kicked, Zabuza." A voice suddenly echoed over the bridge. "You Mist ninja are so disappointing."

"Gato!" Zabuza growled. "Why are you here? And with those worthless bums?"

"Well, the thing is, I'm gonna have you killed right here." Gato bragged. "I never actually planned to pay you." Over where Haku and Sasuke had been fighting, Naruto winked at the beautiful kunoichi.

"See, I told ya." Naruto said. "He's a doushe of epic proportions."

"See, hiring ninja from villages is too expensive, and they might turn on me." Gato continued. "That's why I hire Missing nin. I let the ninja beat each other up, and then I overwhelm them with numbers."

"Yeah, we can easily kill you now." One of the thugs called.

"Yeah, and once we've killed all of you, we're going to take that little girlfriend of yours, and have her make me some money. Might even take that pink haired girl too." Gato then started a sick laugh that sent feelings of utter wrong down down Sakura's back. Oops, did I forget to mention that she'd awakened from her naughty thoughts induced faint.

It was at this point that the ninja sensed something flying through the air. A single senbon needle flew through the air, into Gato's mouth, and out the back of his neck, piercing the brain stem. The man was dead before he even realized he'd been hit, falling to the ground with a thump.

"Well, glad that's over." Naruto said. "Good shot, Haku-chan." She smiled beautifully, and Naruto felt his heart racing.

"Hey, what are you guys celebrating for?" One of the thugs yelled.

"Yeah, you guys killed our meal ticket! So now we're gonna go pillage this town instead!" One of the other thugs yelled. The chorus of agreements made Naruto frown.

"Kakashi, I'd suggest that you cover their eyes unless you want your precious Genin to see this." Zabuza, who was still a little pissed at the betrayal, and the audacity that these untrained thugs thought they could handle a Jounin, one who was fairly good on chakra, and had minimal injury, was ready to feed these bastards to his sword. That they had threatened his so-gah, daughter- was another strike against them.

"Fuck you bandage face." Naruto grunted. "Just sit back and let me handle this."

"Naruto." Kakashi started, but was promptly interrupted.

"I'm the only non-useless one here who hasn't had a chance to fight, so let me take care of this. Besides, I gotta do something to impress Haku if I want her to be my girlfriend, right?" Luckily Sakura, who was currently pre-occupied with gushing over the waking Sasuke, didn't hear the comment, or she'd have harped about it for who knows how long.

"That's a lot of mercs for a kid." Zabuza said, pointedly ignoring the girlfriend comment for the moment.

"Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" Naruto called ignoring Zabuza's comment, and suddenly there was one of him for every one of Gato's thugs.

"Or not." The villagers arrived as the swarm of orange descended upon the hired thugs. It was a good thing that Zabuza was watching Naruto in stunned disbelief, or he'd have noticed Haku's face turning a very bright red.

888

A little less than a week after the battle, the members of Team 7 sat around the dinner table with Tazuna, his family, and a pair of new guests. One of said guests had just ground all conversation to a halt with a single, simple answer to a question. They were all waiting for dinner to be brought to the table, all famished from a hard days work on the bridge...well, all but one, and that was only because he still hadn't mastered the water walking exercise. He still stubbornly refused any help offered, and his attitude was further compounded by the fact that a few meters away, a couple dozen clones were all sitting on top of the water, their arms covered in leaves. This on top of the hundred or so that Naruto had helping build the bridge, a skill he'd learned in a single day with the help of another hundred or so Shadow Clones.

Anyway, back on topic, the dinner, the conversation, and the screeching halt. What had the kind hearted young woman said, that had resulted in two Jounin with amused, raised eyebrows- or eyebrow areas in one case- three civilians with shocked looks decorating their faces, one patented Uchiha glare number 31, one Genin kunoichi's chin getting snuggly with a table, and one blond with a slightly red face? Well, before that, let's go back just a tab bit further to find out what led to the question, that received the answer.

"Ne, Haku-chan," Naruto started, getting her attention. "Have you given any thought to coming back to Konoha with us?"

"Hai, I have, Naruto-sama." She replied. "If it is all right with Zabuza-sama, then I would be happy to make Konoha my home."

"Since when is the Dobe, Naruto-sama?" Sasuke growled.

"Not that I agree with his tone, I'm a little curious of this myself, Haku." Zabuza said.

"I have decided to address him as Naruto-sama for two reasons." Haku said. "First, I have grown too used to calling people I'm fond of by that honorific. While Gouzu and Meizu were like brothers to me, you have been the only person in that position for most of my life." Zabuza nodded. "The second reason, is because of what he did to me. That kind of power, whatever it was, deserves to be respected, as does its wielder."

"And what is it that he did to you?" Kakashi and Sakura asked at the same time. One with an amused, yet somewhat fearful, curiosity, the other a note of hostility in her voice.

"He made me a woman." Was Haku's simple answer. And that folks, is how with a case of massive double entendre, she ended the conversation at the table.

Kakashi had a look of immense pride on his face. Sakura gave both Haku and Naruto severe glares. The three Wave residents gasped in shock well, two gasped- the third just looked confused. The raven haired, Sharingan brat switched from glare number 31, to Uchiha Glare Number 64. Zabuza's face took on one of immense amusement, as Naruto's face became beet red. A second later, when Haku thought back and finally realised what it sounded like she said, and what they were probably thinking happened, matched Naruto's redness. An interesting note point, is that she made no attempt to correct the perverted thinkings of the others, further amusing Zabuza.

Another bit of random trivia, was that Zabuza was inwardly frowning. His plans for intimidating Haku's future dates and boyfriends had gone down the drain when he realised that his daughter had intentions for the blond. With everything he held over the man, there was nothing he could do to the blond. The fact that he could not only hold the precious Icha hostage, but he also wielded that unknown power pretty much crushed any fear he might be able to try and garner.

"No way that Dobe could have before me-" Sasuke muttered. "-and she even called him Naruto-sama afterwards?" There were several amused stares at the Uchiha, and Naruto couldn't help taking advantage of the opportunity he'd been given.

"Aww, are you angry cuz the pretty girl called _me_ -sama, and not you?" Naruto teased. "Maybe if your hair didn't look like a ducks ass, she'd have picked you instead." The look on Haku's face was very telling as to what she thought of that statement. As Sasuke finally snapped, and tried to bodily tackle his teammate, Naruto formed a handseal, and disappeared in a swirl of duck feathers, further adding insult.

"Naruto-" Kakashi started, before a clone popped in.

"Boss wants me to tell you that's the last time, promise." The clone said. "Well, the last time till we get back inside Konoha's gates."

"If you will excuse me, I am going to go take a bath." Haku said. Yes, a nice long bath was in order. Now that she had the chance, Haku planned to fully familiarize herself with her new body...well, the stuff that she didn't need a book, or to cut herself open, to make an acquaintance with. And before you perverts even think about it, Haku asked me to inform you it was for completely practical, non-sexual purposes.

8888

We begin this portion of our story with a short bit of foresight into demons, and an interesting proposition. It is within human nature to repress traumatic memories such as the one Naruto had experienced with Tora, and the one involving the Hokage's teammates- old people doing things they should have stopped doing a long time ago, and being happy for 'seeing Alice', whatever that meant.

Demons, on the other hand, never forgave, and they never forgot. Now while a great asset at most times, this was also a double edged sword, because, unlike humans, demons couldn't suppress traumatizing memories. It was for this reason that the Kyuubi would make Naruto an offer he couldn't refuse.

As Naruto prepared to do a bit more Fuuton training- he'd been reading about an exercise in his family scroll that was noted as being particularly relaxing- he found himself dragged down into his mindscape, right in front of the cage that held his tenant.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of gracing your presence?" Naruto asked sarcastically, expecting an equally sarcastic, or condescending one in return. Sure the Kyuubi wasn't a complete evil like previously, but the fox was still a dick.

"Alright kit, I've got a deal for you." Kyuubi said. Naruto actually took a closer at the fox- for it was never cordial. What he found was a harried looking fox that looked to not have slept in a very long time. Naruto would never have thought he'd see a frightenend look on Kyuubi's face in any situation that didn't involve a certain geriatric Uchiha, but it was the traumatized glaze to its eyes that really got his attention.

"What's up, fox?" Naruto asked. "You don't look so good."

"Demons cannot suppress memories." Kyuubi said shuddering. "I need your help to get rid of a particular one."

"Oh?" Naruto asked. "Which one?"

"The one with Tora that you've managed to mostly suppress." Now Naruto could have been a bastard, and taunted him, but the only person he'd ever wish that memory on was Madara, and that was only after the whole turning Sasuke into a raving psycho thing. "I'm willing to give you my chakra...all of it...if you suppress that memory for me."

"And just how am I supposed to do that?"

"Alcohol," It said. "-if you consume enough alcohol that I forget about what happened with that cat, I'll let you have my chakra, and you won't even have to fight me like that version of you in that comic did."

"While I can hold my liquor with the best of them, once I'm actually drunk, I can't function very well." Naruto said. "You've seen my memories, you know that. I'm like drunk Lee on steroids, only I'm exceedingly happy and...affectionate." Even now, he was tempted to go and apologize to Kiba's mom. "Not to mention, I'll probably blow my cover."

"You won't have to worry about being drunk, because I'll be absorbing all of the effects it has on your system, and filtering the negative effects of drinking that much."

888

It was a beautiful day in the neighborhood, and a beautiful day for a neighbor, but Kakashi wasn't feeling as happy about it as one should have been. Why you ask, because his student had just given him a death sentence. When he'd first passed Squad 7, Sarutobi had held him after the meeting, and told him in a no nonsense manner that nothing serious had better happen to Naruto. Now one would think that he meant something like Naruto dying, but that was only one of the minor grievances. Sure it would have been like losing a grandson, but considering the hazards of the job, he would understand, even as much as he wished it hadn't happened.

No, the issues that Sarutobi were stressing were the shinobi vices and pitfalls. Kakashi was informed in no uncertain terms, that Naruto was not to become addicted to drinking, sex, or gambling. Nor was he to allow Naruto to beome an emotionless drone, a creepy sumbitch with a blood fetish, anything related to youth or the season of Spring, or any of the other eccentric quirks that Konoha's shinobi have been known for. He'd almsot had a scare when Naruto decided to steal his lateness/lame excuses gimmick, but because Naruto only did it for team meetings, and he was obviously doing it to mock him, the Hokage let it slide.

This time, however, Kakashi was fearing for his life. Naruto was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast; but that's not what had his features pale, or his teammates looking at him in shock. No, that was the result of the insanely huge bottle of sake that was sitting next to his plate. How could he have underestimated the effect Naruto's first kills would have had on his precious student? Add to that the fact that it was not just one enemy, but several dozen. Killing all those mercs must have been too much for his mind to handle, and now he's begun to drown himself in alcohol. He'd even thought that having that cute girl talk to him about it would help, but apparently not, it only stalled the inevitable. Sarutobi was going to kill him for letting Naruto develop a drinking habit.

"Naruto, are you alright?" Kakashi asked. "You can talk to me, you know, you don't have to do that. I'm sure even Zabuza or Haku wouldn't mind talking to you about it."

"Trust me, Kakashi-sensei, this is the only way to forget." Naruto replied. "There are just somethings man was not meant to remember." Kakashi paled. It seemed Naruto was taking this harder than he'd thought. The Hokage was definitely going to kill him, now.

'_I knew I shouldn't have let them talk me into continuing this mission after the Demon Brothers showed up._'

888

A few days later, as the people of Wave gathered to see the group of shinobi off, Tazuna posed a question.

"So what do we name the bridge?" He asked. "It has to be something super cool since it's a super bridge."

"How about the Great Naruto Bridge?" Inari put forth. "After the person who gave hope back to our country." The cheers told Tazuna that the name had been accepted.

"I like it." He said, before thinking to himself. '_Besides, anyone that can turn an enemy ninja into his girlfriend, and get her to sleep with him after one meeting, deserves to have a bridge named after them._'

888

The trip back to Konoha was a rather interesting one for the group.

Naruto and Haku were walking calmly side by side, the elder girl sending subtle glances his way; cheeks pinking just a bit each time. Naruto had a huge smile on his face for succeeding where he'd failed before. Not only had he saved Zabuza and Haku, but he'd gotten an uber hot girlfriend out of the deal. Still, he couldn't help but think he was forgetting something.

Ahead of them, Kakashi and Sakura lead the group. Kakashi looked like he was walking to his death, and given the rather large jug of sake that Naruto had bought in Wave that was currently half empty when it had been full not too long ago, he felt he was justified in this. Sakura, who was standing next to him, was trying to figure out why the girl had shunned someone as cool, handsome, and amazing as Sasuke-kun, for a loser like Naruto. Sure, the baka had his moments- and damn if they weren't some pretty amazing ones when they occurred- and her crush could be a dick sometimes, but Sasuke-kun was still much better. Sure she was happy that the- admittedly much more beautiful that either she or Ino- girl wasn't going to be compitition, especially since Sasuke actually liked her, she was still highly nonplussed by the situation.

Behind the couple, Zabuza and Sasuke were bringing up the rear. The elder ninja could only stare at the two youngsters in front of him. The blond was something else, having changed Haku so much, and making him really realized what he truly felt for the b...girl, the girl. Haku, the little brat had somehow broken through his emotionless defenses, and become like the so- gah, the daughter- daughter that he'd always wanted. And now his little mini has hims- grr, herself- herself a boyfriend, and that meant certain talks had to be retalked, with stresses on the opposite side he'd taught the bo- girl, girl Zabuza- before.

'_Shit, this change is going to take some getting used to._' Zabuza thought.

Looking over, he could sense the glare the brat was giving his teammate, and couldn't help but lamost smirk. That brat actually thought he had a chance with Haku. That arrogance, the superior looks, the attitude that he must have thought was cool, and the sense of entitlement that he seemed to exude pretty much guaranteed that Haku wouldn't be giving the boy the time of day anytime soon.

About two miles out from Konoha, something occurred to Naruto.

'_Hey, NB,_' Naruto calls. '_The Uchiha have an obsession with tomatoes, right._'

"Yeah." NB replied. "Well, except for Itachi and Mikoto's pocky obsession, but yeah, most Uchiha prefer tomatoes (5)."

'_Well, since I haven't used it, and it'll go to waste as soon as we reenter Konoha, I want to use my second Wave change to give Madara a severe allergic reaction to tomatoes._'

"That's kind of mean."

'_It's either that, or I use one of my changes to get your personal OC, Kazuma, in the fic._' Naruto stated in a tone that NB didn't like. '_Then I'll proceed to torment him for every mention you have of him being with my Hinata_._ Then, I'll hook him up with Sakura later after the timeskip. Not only that, but I'll call in my favor for Tora, so that you can't do anything about it._'

"Madara it is."

'_Goody, I'll let you decide what kind of reaction he has._' Naruto said. NB got a sinister smile on his face. Maybe he'd treat Madara's reaction like Naruto's Shunshin, completely random, and rarely the same (I mean really, the classics were classics for a reason). Maybe he'd even let the readers give some input. Some of them were even more sick, twisted, and vindictive than he could be.

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1. yes, this is a subtle reference to the Shodai and his wife

2. do a wikipedia or google search for Japanese media idols

3. one of the seven swordsmen of zabuza's generation; introduced in chapter

4. Yes, Inari said the name wrong.

5. Yes, if you must know, I'm insinuating several things with this statement. No offense intended if you like tomatoes.

88888888

There you have it, another major failure of a chapter. The next chapter will be awhile as I'm moving back to Changes and my Icha Series for the summer since both my beta and I will be out of school.

Special thanks to Selonianth for the duck feather Shunshin.

Now in other unrelated news.

**reader contributions**

shunshins

excuses

**polls**

Do you think Sakura, and Ino to a lesser extent, would be even half the kunoichi she is if Sasuke hadn't left?


	4. Six Months and Counting

**Disclaimer: For all of those people who are retarded enough to still think I own Naruto after the number of times I've denied, I've decided to send Itachi to Sennin Goroshi you with his Susanoo. He knows who you are, and where you live, you cannot hide.**

Fair warning, Hinata and Haku will be a bit ooc in this fic. However, unlike some authors, I'm not just going to change their personalities, and just ignore it like the new persona is natural, with other characters just acting like nothing has suddenly changed. I will have other characters notice the change, and comment on it. Also, problems and situations in this story will be resolved far easier than any problem should be, and with solutions that really could have saved a lot of people a lot of time, energy, and lives. Either that, or they'll be so ridiculous that they can't help but succeed.

**A/N:** After rereading what I've posted, along with this chapter, I've come to the conclusion that there is something fundementally wrong with me. I don't know what it is, but I'm fairly certain I'm not right in the head.

By the way, I'm sick of authors who hold their stories hostage for reviews. Be glad that people take the time to read it, and if someone likes it enough to give you feedback, even better. If they don't review, there's a chance that they didn't like the story, and decided to leave. I wonder if it ever occurred to some that maybe they don't want to read some of the reviews they'd get otherwise. Maybe it's best that some people just hit the clicker, instead of leaving a (most likely long) review completely tearing your story apart, or flaming it just for the sake of flaming it.

They could also be so into and captivated by the story, that they're far more concerned with seeing what happens next than leaving a review (for stories that already have multiple chapters before you start reading; and something I'm frequently guilty of). Or maybe, they just didn't have anything relevant to say about that particular chapter. Normally, I tend not to review, unless I have a thought about something in the story. So again I say, let the people read, and if they review be thankful, and repay them by trying to update faster (if life permits of course) so they'll have more to enjoy.

Okay, rant over, back to my happy place.

**Pre-Exam Mini-arc Changes**

1. Second Bloodline

**Chapter 3 Recap:**

_Naruto saves Konoha from Tora. Travel to Wave. Naruto finds his family scroll. Sasuke gets a spectral enema for trespassing. Naruto saves his very first real friend...then makes Haku a woman and his girlfriend. Gave Madara an allergic reaction to tomatoes, and got a feeling he was forgetting something very important._

88888888

As the group of six entered Konoha, Naruto couldn't help the nagging suspicion that he'd forgotten something very important. All through the debriefing with the Hokage, the feeling just kept growing and growing. And for some reason, jiji's call to his secretary to set up a meeting with Mr. Nice Guy as they were leaving put him on edge. He hadn't known what that meant the first time around, but now he was well aware of just what jiji's funny smelling, special tobacco was (1).

'_Relaxation herbs my ass._' Naruto thought.

Now, as he escorted his team and new friends to Ichiraku's- Kakashi-sensei had insisted they hold a meeting to discuss the events of the mission and what it would mean going forward, and Ichiraku was the only place he knew Naruto would be welcome- for the life of him, Naruto couldn't figure out what it was that he was forgetting.

From her stalk- ahem, hiding- spot, Hinata frowned deeply. She had seen Naruto-kun return from his mission with two extra people. After hearing Naruto-kun so frequently proclaim that he planned to marry her someday if she was willing- which she very much was- she had finally worked up the courage to tell him how she felt. She'd followed them to the Hokage Tower, and hoped to catch him as they came out of the building. When they emerged, however, Hinata found herself feeling a slight pang in her chest...right before an angry beast welled up inside her.

She didn't know who this limpet hanging on _her_ Naruto-kun was, but she was very unhappy, and she was going to make sure that the intruder knew that Naruto-kun was very much spoken for. She followed them as they made their way to the ramen stand her dearest loved so much. About a block away, Hinata decided to act. After all, it wouldn't do to disrespect Naruto-kun's favorite restaurant with such an argument.

"L-let go of my N-Naruto-kun!" Hinata cried out in as loud a voice as she could; which was only about the normal slightly raised voice of anyone else. All at once, Naruto remembered what he'd forgotten, and paled in fear. Of all the things to forget, how the hell could he have forgotten about one of the main reasons...one of the major changes, he wanted to make this time around?

"Excuse me?" Haku asked in an amused manner, sizing up the girl that had just spoken. "Oh, so you must be the fangirl that plans to try and separate us." After all, with men like Naruto, there's always at least one fangirl that will have improper designs on the heroine's destined love. "Hmm, and from a powerful bloodline clan too; nothing less than I'd expect from a man like Naruto-sama."

Kakashi, Naruto, and Zabuza could sense the underlying hint of danger to her tone, and for the blond of the group, well he was worried.

"I am Naruto-kun's first love." Hinata- not taking being compared to Sakura and Ino very lightly- said, her voice stronger than Naruto had ever heard it prior to Pein's attack. "And you, miss, are encroaching on claimed territory."

"Judging from the manner in which you just addressed me, I'm guessing that you're in love with my boyfriend." Haku taunted, then smirked at Hinata's shocked gasp. "What's wrong, afraid of a little competition?"

"You're wrong, Naruto-kun is mine." Hinata said. "I won't just let you take him away."

"Is that so?" Haku replied. "I do not see your name anywhere on his person, so he obviously doesn't belong to you. So if you would be so kind as to leave Naruto-sama and I alone, I won't have to force the issue."

Hinata almost growled at the girl. She was right; and there was nothing she could do to refute that. While Naruto-kun's declaration that he intended to marry her had been fueling some rather lovely dreams for the past month, he was not hers. And while choosing another girl after such a declaration- especially in regards to a clan heiress- was considerably frowned upon, almost taboo, there was nothing illegal about it.

"My name doesn't need to be on him." Hinata said, sounding more confident than she really felt. Still, she knew this was the moment of truth. If she didn't tell him how she felt now, there was the chance that she could lose him to this...hussy. Even if Naruto had declared his intentions, if he felt that they were unrequited, he could very well move on to someone else. "I-I l-love, N-Naruto-kun."

Even as she made her own retort, Hinata also found herself blushing at the way the girl addressed her Naruto-kun. Adding -sama to his name meant that she saw him as her master of sorts, and that thought brought all sorts of naughty images to Hinata's mind. Images that the younger girl envied the older for if they were true. There was also the fact that Hinata had a secret. While it was true that Naruto didn't have her name written on his body, the same couldn't be said of the young Heiress. Her bottom gave a slight tingle along the ink lines that ran along the upper curve of her- quite delectable in a few years- derriere. It didn't matter that her cousin Neji had been traumatized by the ordeal.

She wouldn't know it, but being forced to tattoo 'Property of Naruto' onto his cousin's behind, had actually been the straw that broke the camel's back for Neji's hatred of the Main House.

Sasuke watched the spectacle with something akin to a disturbing giddiness. It would seem that the Dobe had just backed himself into a sticky situation, and given him the chance he needed. After making such loud and public declarations that he planned to marry the Hyuuga Heiress, to court another woman- a foreign kunoichi at that- was bad business. Not only that, but there was absolutely no way that he would be able to marry both Hinata and Haku, he'd have to give up one of them.

Given that protocol would dictate that he'd have to marry the woman that he'd claimed first, that would leave Haku all for him. The only thing that could ruin this, was the fact that Naruto was a clan heir. But if Naruto's declarations were true, the Uzumaki weren't a Konoha clan, so it wouldn't matter either way. Yes, for only the second time- the first had been activating the Sharingan- since That Man had killed his clan, Sasuke Uchiha was exceptionally happy.

Kakashi couldn't help noticing that somehow this entire conversation was pretty much ignored by the general populous. Given the types of spats that Sasuke Uchiha's fangirls got in- and the fact that it would have already dissolved into a wrestling match, adding to the entertainment- this was pretty tame and boring. Ergo, it wasn't about to garner any attention...at least not yet; even if one of the participants was a member of a major bloodline clan.

Still, given her particular crush, and the fact that normally there wouldn't have been any competition for one of these spats involving her, you'd think it would gain more attention. I mean, shouldn't the fact that Hinata had a rival for Naruto garner some interest? Shouldn't people be more curious about just who this new, extremely beautiful young woman fighting the heiress of the Hyuuga over Naruto was. Still, Konoha was full of perverts, and the fact that there wasn't any hair pulling or clothes ripping going on- like what was common with Uchiha fangirls- was probably the cause of that.

As Haku gave another cold, calculated rebuttal, and Hinata returned with her own passionate declaration, the members of the group couldn't help but marvel at the spectacle. Again, Sasuke was far to smiley to be natural. Kakashi and Sakura were utterly shocked at the Hyuuga Heiress' behavior. Hyuuga were supposed to be the epitome of calm and collected, while Hinata looked to be a hairs breadth away from physically attacking Haku. Not only that, but from what they knew of the girl- Sakura from being a classmate, and Kakashi from Kurenai's reports to the Hokage- the girl was a perpetual wall flower, and so terribly shy that she couldn't function above basic involuntary physiology around Naruto.

Zabuza stared at Haku with something akin to shock, horror, and pride. He was shocked that his normally mild mannered too- daughter, his daughter- was engaged in such a battle of wills. He was horrified that the normally kind child could be so efficiently cruel in her arguments, as well as the fact that she had decided to settle this dispute in public like a civilian. Despite all of that, his heart swelled with pride. Haku had found love, was willing to fight for that love- that she was kicking ass and taking no prisoners almost made him tear up- and seemed to have effectively won the battle without having to resort to some of the fangirl tactics that he remembered from his youth.

Naruto was frozen in horror as he watched the two women he cherished the most- in a romantic way, at least- fight over him. Sure, he was amazed and flattered at what the quarrel was about, but having Haku and Hinata hating each other was very near the top of things he wanted the least. Naruto knew he had to stop this before it came to blows, but was at a loss of how he could accomplish that without hurting at least one of them. Unfortunately for Naruto, Haku's next shot at Hinata would end the verbal portion of the spat, and take it to the violence.

"So what if Naruto-sama declared a desire to wed you," Haku spat. "I have proof that he wants me."

"Proof?" Hinata asked.

"Oh yes." Haku said. "So great was his desire for me, that Naruto-sama made me a woman less than thirty minutes after we first met."

Everything went silent and still for a moment...and then all hell broke loose. Hinata, face burning red- and her Byakugan blazing- leapt at the older kunoichi with a loud screech of rage. And now that there was wrestling, and the potential for clothes ripping and hair pulling, they had an audience.

Naruto's head hung in shame at that. He really, really should have known that NB was going to bring that back up, and that it was going to severely bite him in the ass. Zabuza covered what was left of his face with his hand, and groaned. He couldn't believe that Haku actually went there, and just knew this was a result of the blond's bad influence.

Sakura blushed again at the implications of the statement, and Sasuke's eye developed a violent twitch at the fact that Naruto had already 'sampled' the mother of his new clan. It was only her strength and beauty that allowed him to ignore the fact that he would be getting the Dobe's sloppy seconds. Kakashi- who had discreetly revealed enough of his Sharingan to record this scene for posterity- let loose a nearly audible, perverted giggle. Jiraiya would be getting several pages of notes from his biggest fan very soon.

Naruto sighed as he watched the two kunoichi fight. At the moment, they were just grappling at each other trying to gain the upper hand, but he'd seen women fight before. Even if they weren't civilians or fangirls, fights between women over boys always seemed to devolve into clothes ripping and hair pulling. While he was well aware that hair pulling with kunoichi involved could get kind of ugly, it wasn't his greatest worry. His greatest issue was the threat to Hinata and Haku's modesty should clothes ripping become a factor. Given how fast Jiraiya's books flew off the shelves, he knew that Konoha was ripe with perverts, and refused to give them a free show at his himes' expenses.

Setting himself for what he was about to do, Naruto created a Kage Bunshin, and the two pulled the girls apart. The two kunoichi struggled against their captors, until the familiar scent, and presence calmed them.

'_N-Naruto-kun is touching me._' Hinata squealed in her head, trying desperately not to faint. Why waste precious time that could be spent basking in Naruto-kun's embrace by being unconscious?

'_I knew that Naruto-sama would choose me over that child._' Haku thought. '_Especially considering the lengths he went to to ensure that I would be his._'

Both then sent smug smirks to the other girl, knowing that her Naruto-kun/-sama had her in his arms, until they saw who was holding who. It came as a bit of a shock when they realized that not only was Naruto embracing them, but their new rival as well.

"N-Naruto-kun, there's two of you." Hinata said shocked, after she noticed the second blond holding the other girl...

"Naruto-sama knows Kage Bunshin." Haku exclaimed, as if suddenly remembering. "Real clones, real bodies, so many Naruto-sama's." Haku shivered as her eyes glazed a bit.

...before registering just what the older girl was saying. Naruto could make himself go from one to many, and all of them could give her hugs, and kisses, and take off their pants (2).

"But that means," Hinata started. A perverted glean fell over both girls faces, and two pairs of eyes glazed over for several seconds. "W-we don't have to fight over one Naruto-kun." Haku shook her head, also understanding, and riding, the same train of thought.

"We can have as many as we want." She said. The small trickles of blood that trailed from the pair of noses caused many to sweatdrop.

In the boldest move Hinata had ever made to date- albeit poking her fingers together, blushing, and the trickle still coming- she spoke up to her former rival for Naruto. "I can share if you will."

Hinata received a nod, and a beautiful smile from the other girl that made her blush. Now that her thoughts weren't clouded with anger, she could see just how beautiful this girl was, and why Naruto-kun- no Naruto-sama- would want her. She inwardly frowned as she just knew she wouldn't have stood a chance if they'd gone the rival route like Sakura and Ino. But then she remembered.

Naruto had declared his intent to marry her in such a way that the rumor mill had picked it up, and spread it across the village within the hour. Then he had gone out of his way to save this girl from death, and brought her back home. It was obvious that Naruto-sama wanted them both, and intended to keep them both if he could.

Hinata's face turned even redder as certain images of her and Naruto-sama involved in things that the new honorific insinuated. She turned even redder as certain images of her and Haku doing things on the orders of Naruto-sama, and Naruto-sama watching them, surfaced in her mind. She turned even redder and almost fainted as the images of what Naruto-sama would likely do to them both after watching them do things together flew through her brain.

Hinata was shaken from her thoughts when Haku grabbed her by the hand, and began leading her back towards the Hokage's office.

"Come, Hinata-chan." She said. "We must go to the Hokage, and officially declare our intentions for Naruto-sama before someone else gets wise, and tries to take him from us. We cannot have his babies if someone else takes him, right?"

"H-hai, for N-Naruto-s-sama." Hinata replied, blushing at the shivers actually speaking the new honorific sent through her entire body. Turning to his team, Naruto raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, what just happened?" The blond asked confused.

"I think you just got a small harem." Kakashi said, very proud of his student. He couldn't help shake his head realizing he should have seen this coming. Given her bloodline's abilities, and her disposition, he should have figured the Hyuuga girl would be a closet perv, and if Zabuza's story was to be believed, Haku was a fan of Icha Icha.

Zabuza- as he began to reluctantly follow the pair of girls- was wondering if it was too late to rethink his position on having a daughter.

Sakura was still stunned at the fact that someone other than Hinata wanted Naruto. That an incredibly beautiful and powerful kunoichi wanted Naruto, and that anyone would actually fight over the idiot was crazy. Sure, she'd noticed some changes in Naruto that she could admit were attractive taken separately from the whole, but this was still Naruto. The pinkette was also trying to figure out why she was so angry at the fact that someone other than the class pushover had taken an interest in Naruto.

Finally, Sakura was bemoaning the fact that Sasuke-kun didn't know the Kage Bunshin. Then maybe she and her best friend wouldn't have to fight over him. They would be able to share him, and combine their efforts to keep those other fangirls away.

Sasuke, however, was pissed. It looked as if the Dobe might be able to marry both girls after all. He just couldn't believe that Naruto, the idiot deadlast, got both Haku and Hinata- without even trying, at that. It just wasn't fair.

Out of all the girls in their class, Hinata was the only one he found attractive, both because she was a doormat (and that meant she'd never talk back to him or anything like that), and because he could tell that her jacket was hiding a very well developed figure for a girl of twelve. While he couldn't use her to rebuild his clan due to her inferior bloodline, she would still be the perfect girl to practice with. Shy, timid, pliable, the perfect practice tool. If Sasuke were honest with himself, a girl like Hinata was his preferred type. If it hadn't been for the fact that her inferior bloodline was an extremely dominant trait, and his was recessive- and would probably show stronger in any children they had- he'd have long since chosen the little doormat for his future spouse.

Haku...well she was just plain perfect. She was a strong ninja, and she was also very beautiful. She was even more beautiful than himself, and for an Uchiha to admit that was saying something. She'd have been the perfect woman to help rebuild his clan, but no, she had to like the dobe- both of them did. He'd make that idiot pay for sticking him with fangirls like Sakura and Ino. He'd show them- or Haku at the very least- that he was better, and make them want to have _his_ babies.

"Well, now that that bit of excitement has passed, we still have a meeting to conduct." Kakashi said, leading his team the rest of the way to Ichirakus.

As the team sat down in one of the booths, Naruto mentally sought out his partner in crime. '_Hey, thanks for that save back there. That could have been a disaster._'

"Uh, Naruto-" NB started.

'_I mean really, how the hell did I forget about Hinata-chan of people?_'

"Naruto-" NB tried again.

'_Although, did you have to make them seem so perverted?_' Naruto asked. '_I mean, sweet, cute, innocent Hinata-chan getting a nose bleed while talking about sharing, and having as many of me as she wanted, that was just bad._'

"Um, I hate to burst your image of innocent little Hinata-chan," NB said. "But I didn't have anything to do with that rather profitable, yet perverted, resolution between Hinata and Haku."

'_You mean-_'

"Yep, you've landed yourself a couple closet pervs." NB grinned before turning serious. "Although, considering one is an Icha Icha fan, and the other can see through clothes and could never be near you without blushing and fainting..."

"_Oh boy._"

"Right. Although, I guess this does answer a question I posed in one of my stories whether Hinata would have been less timid if she'd had a rival for you."

'_True._'

"By the way, I know he makes it easy, but I think you should take Kakashi's advice, and lay off the teme a bit if your intention is to prevent his defection."

'_I know, and I plan to back off some._' Naruto said. '_I'll only retaliate to his being an asshole. But seeing as neither Sakura or Sasuke got a clue until the second part of the Chuunin Exams, and seem to be following that same pattern, I figure I should have some fun with them while I still can._'

"Naruto." NB's voice held a tint of warning.

'_Fine, fine, one more prank, and I'll leave him alone...unless he sets himself up for it._' NB thought about the consession for a moment, before giving his answer.

"It's a reasonable condition, so I accept." Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. He didn't want NB twisted sense of humor turned on him again. He and Kyuubi were only just getting past that Tora incident. Of course, this also meant that he'd have to find an alcohol source to satiate the fox's habit.

888

That evening, after Naruto helped Haku and Zabuza get settled into one of the apartments in his building, Naruto had a sit down with his girlfriend. Naruto and Haku had considered sharing an apartment, but decided it was too soon for that.

"So, what did jiji say?" Naruto asked.

"He said that even though he respects our decision to share, and that he wishes he could grant our wish, he cannot." Naruto noticed that Haku looked a bit annoyed at that, and he couldn't help feeling so as well. "As it stands, the law is against us, but he thinks there is a loophole that he can use to help us."

"Oh, well that stinks." Naruto grumbled, knowing that he couldn't realistically choose between Haku and Hinata. "Well, we'll figure out something. In the mean time, how good are you with drawing seals?"

"Fairly good." Naruto handed her a piece of paper.

"What's this?"

"A training seal." Naruto said. "It'll put a type of pressure strain on my body that will cut my physical capacity in half. If I can strengthen myself with this on, then when I remove it, my strength, speed, etc. will double trying to return to normal, and I'll be stronger for it."

"But Naruto-sama, if you do that, won't your body be more vulnerable, and weak?" Somehow, Naruto knew she was asking from a medical standpoint.

"I don't exactly know how it works," Naruto admitted. "It's a seal I found in my family scroll, and the wording was sketchy at best. What I do know is that it works, but only for someone with the Uzumaki physical disposition. It kind of sucks, because I wanted to share it with you and Hinata-chan."

While he still had an experimental training seal that they could probably use, he hadn't tested it yet. There was also the fact that his family's seal was so much stronger.

888888

Her entire first week in Konoha, Haku made her presence felt. Whether it was turning heads as she walked down the street soon after her return. Or giving the Hokage a migraine at the sheer amount of paperwork that would result from her and a clan heiress of Konoha deciding to share a husband. Or even causing the women of the village no end of stress as their boyfriends, fiances, and husbands all eyed the beautiful girl lecherously. What really annoyed them, was the fact that they couldn't really blame _her_ for it, as the way she dressed showed nothing, and was actually more along the lines of what male ninja wore.

No where was this presence more felt than in Konoha's medical facilities. Several times a day, men of all ages- shinobi and civilian alike- were being checked into the hospital and clinics with senbon related injuries. One nurse noted in her daily report that all of the senbon related injuries seemed to involve the majority of Konoha's more persistent self-styled Casanovas. That the injury rate of these men seemed to skyrocket at the same time as a new, very beautiful young kunoichi began to call the village her home was no coincidence in her sharp mind.

888

It had been almost two weeks since Team 7 had returned from their first C-rank mission- a very interesting interesting first C-rank at that. After a couple days of recovery- days which also included helping his girlfriend and her father get settled into his apartment building- the team jumped back into the swing of things. The first day they'd reconvened, they had taken a couple of light D-rank missions. Training for the next week had consisted of reviewing the Wave mission, analyzing their battles, and gauging their progress with Water Walking to determine if they were ready to raise the difficulty level.

Naruto and Sakura had progressed with the exercise enough that they were ready to try keeping their footing on moving water. Sasuke on the other hand, as a result of his being stubborn, had only just gotten stationary standing to the point that it was second nature. Luckily for him, being able to move around without sinking was only just a step above mastering stationary standing. Finally, when he was able to run through the entire Academy taijutsu kata, Kakashi had deemed him ready to join Sakura and Naruto the next day.

Sadly, he wouldn't be joining them quite yet, for when he turned to them, he found something that would again bruise his ego. While he was just about to start working on moving water, Sakura and Naruto were already calmly sitting on top of the moving water of a nearby stream that flowed into the waterpool he was working on- both with crowns of leaves on their head- playing a game of go fish with a pair of Naruto's clones. Sasuke let out a frustrated growl, as he angrily stalked away from the training ground.

"You know, one would think that at some point he'd activate his Sharingan, copy one of us doing this exercise, and save himself a lot of trouble." Naruto said, sighing.

Sakura, who was starting to lose a lot of the respect she had for her crush- yet still hadn't gotten a clue about her own shortcomings- shook her head. "Naruto, I'm sorry for calling you a genius that day."

"Being a genius isn't really a bad thing," Naruto said. "But nearly every one I've ever encountered tends to overthink everything, while overlooking the obvious, and end up making things so much harder for themselves- and often others- than they really have to be."

It would be another three weeks before all three were of an acceptible level to start sparring on the moving water. Much to everyone's surprise, this exercise turned out to be harder than they expected. In an odd turn of events, Sasuke was the first to get the exercise down. This, of course, because he'd finally decided to put his Sharingan to use, and copied it while Kakashi was demonstrating. Naruto was the next to get it, using his clones, while it took Sakura a few more days to get it due to her much smaller reserves.

Aside from training and missions, Naruto didn't really do all that much his first month back from Wave. He'd set out a goal for that first real mission, and had succeeded even beyond his wildest dreams. Okay, so that was stretching it a bit, considering his wildest dreams involved him, Haku, and Hinata, a fast forward of about five years, lots of gratuitous nudity, and a weekly need to buy a new matress. Anyway, before that train of thought had been derailed, Naruto was congratulating himself on a successful plan.

Still, he knew that he needed to start planning for the Chuunin Exams, and that meant some serious training aside from what he did with his team. The training he needed, was getting his physical state back up to par with his shinobi abilities. That, however, would take until at least sometime after he went away with Ero-Sennin, so he needed a loftier goal. Maybe he should shoot for about even with Lee. That would put him about even with most real threats, and ahead of pretty much everyone else.

The most important thing Naruto had done, however, had been to spend time with his girlfriends...or at least he had planned to. For some strange reason, Hinata and Haku would disappear together for long periods of time. The few times that he'd caught up with them before they did so, he'd been told point blank that he wasn't invited. He'd been able to get a small nugget from Hinata, but that had basically amounted to his 'harem' wanting to get to know each other better.

The one time he'd tried to 'figuratively' put his foot down on their disappearing acts, and not inviting him to join them, Haku had laughed at him. She then proceeded to inform him that while they may be 'his' harem, it was only because they 'chose' to be so, and that they could easily find someone else if he was going to start acting like Sasuke. Given how much attention Haku had been getting since her arrival, and the growing number of interested parties in Hinata since she'd become closer to Haku, Naruto decided that they were right, and he would shut up about it.

Haku, sweet girl that she was, took pity on him, and told him they had no intentions of doing so, but that he needed to understand that he didn't own them. That both the intoxicated Kyuubi and NB were both in the back of his mind calling him an idiot for that stunt really brought that message home. She'd also told him the real reason they'd been avoiding him. Until the Hokage gave the okay, he and Hinata couldn't engage in any couple related activities. It wasn't fair that she could, and the young heiress who'd loved him for years couldn't, so they would both wait until they could.

Reluctantly, Naruto agreed to the decision...but that didn't mean he had to like it.

88888888

Month two in Konoha turned out to be a bit more interesting. One of the biggest things that happened, was that Naruto was finally granted the rights to date both Hinata and Haku...but that didn't come until much later in the month. Another interesting facet of the second month, was that Haku was finally introduced to the other members of their age group, starting with their graduation class.

First had been the introductions to Team Ten. Ino had balked at the fact that there was now someone in their age group who was more beautiful than she was. This of course led to her getting into an argument with Sakura over the fact. None of the three boys felt it safe to mention that they'd all thought Hinata, Amaki (3), and Tenten had always been the three prettiest girls their age.

Chouji and Shikamaru at least had accepted Haku almost immediately. Although it should be mentioned that Chouji had started developing a slight crush on the pretty girl, before finding out that she was already seeing someone. When Ino had finally gotten over her feelings of inadequacy, she'd been properly introduced, and had been on the way to becoming friends. That is, until Haku revealed that she didn't use beauty products (having formerly been a boy, that beauty just happened). When it was further revealed that Haku had not only defeated Sasuke in a battle, but that as a result, Sasuke was crushing on the older girl, Ino became almost hostile. In what should have been an expected act, Ino declared Haku her rival- not that the older girl cared one bit about the rivalry, or the subject of it.

The next team that she ended up meeting was Team 8- or at least one member of it, since she'd already met Hinata. Shino had taken her presence as he had everyone elses. He neither made any positive or negative reaction, just nodded his head, welcomed her to Konoha, and went on his way. Hinata had wanted to introduce Haku to her other teammate as well, but Kiba had had a bit of an accident. While she didn't have the details, Hinata had been able to learn that Kiba had challenged his sister for dominance, and the distinction of heir, and lost- badly.

Meeting Gai's team had been an accident, an exercise in patience, and also rather amusing. They'd been taking advantage of a mission assignment that had been requested by Haku- one that involved Hinata and Naruto being asked for specifically- when they'd run into Gai's team. Upon seeing Haku, Lee immediately appeared at her side, took her hand, and declared his endless, and undying love. It took some severe restraint for Naruto not to club the boy over the head, as he knew that this was Lee's usual protocol when meeting a beautiful girl that wasn't an enemy.

After being told that she was involved with someone, and waiting for Lee to get over his heartbreak, introductions were made. Lee of course make a fuss about Naruto being youthful and flaming, and immediately declared Naruto his eternal rival. Tenten on the other hand, found a kindred spirit in Haku...well, to an extent. As soon as she learned about Haku's proficiency with senbon, she declared Haku her best friend, and asked her if she could help her. It was kind of ironic in a way. As good as Tenten was with weapons- projectiles especially- senbon were the only weapon that she'd never been able to get the hang of.

The only introduction that took some doing, was Neji's. Given that he'd been too busy glaring at Hinata- who had slipped behind Naruto to get away from her cousin's gaze- it took awhile to get his attention. For Naruto, Neji's constant glaring at Hinata was starting to annoy him.

"You know Neji, hating your cousin over such a trivial thing is quite ugly of you." He snapped. "Why don't you grow a pair, and stop harassing Hinata."

"Naruto-sama, that's very rude." Haku said. "It's not her fault that her breasts haven't grown in yet. Don't worry, Neji-chan, one day you'll blossom, and if Hinata-chan is any indication, quite nicely, I'm sure. After all, mine didn't really sprout until I was fifteen."

The eye twitch that developed over Neji's eye was priceless. That Tenten and Lee found the comment absolutely hilarious was classic. The thing that really brought a smile to his face, was that he could feel Hinata shaking with quiet laughter behind his back, and her being happy was one of the true joys in Naruto's life. It didn't hurt that Neji's next comment, and Haku's rebuttal only added to the humor.

"I'm a boy." Neji growled.

"Really?" Haku asked shocked, though given her past, she really shouldn't have assumed. "I'm very sorry, but your hair is so well kept, I assumed that you were a girl."

"Lee, Tenten, let's go." The elder Hyuuga snapped, before walking off.

"See ya, and I'll get in touch about those senbon lessons." Tenten said, grin wider than he'd ever seen it.

That Haku calling Neji a girl was a genuinely honest mistake had shocked Naruto, yet made him feel that Neji had gotten a nice dose of karmic retribution.

And thus ended Haku's rather interesting introduction to Konoha...or at least to the people that really matter in the story. You'll probably notice that one person was left out...well, that meeting would take place later, and has its own significance to the story, so we'll just hold that off for now.

888

Another source of amusement for Naruto, was finding out about Kakashi's greatest fear. That fear happened to be of what the Hokage would do to him should Naruto take up the shinobi vices. Naruto, just to see how his sensei would react, started carrying around a gourd like Gaara's full of sake. Seeing Kakashi twitch every time the sound of sloshing alcohol rang out from the gourd had been amusing, but Naruto also realized that it was making Kakashi an even more ineffective teacher than he already was at times.

Sadly, the Hokage made him stop after a week. His reasoning of not traumatizing his teacher was sound, and really, the joke was starting to get old. Not to mention, seeing Kakashi sobbing, hugging his pillow was kind of sad. After that, things mostly returned to normal...with the exception that Naruto somehow found a way to get copious amounts of alcohol to the Kyuubi- delivered on a weekly basis. I won't go into details, because frankly I'm still confused how it worked, and I doubt that even a plothole could explain it away.

One of the more interesting things that happened, was Haku's probation period had ended, and she was finally allowed to become a full citizen. That meant she could finally get her green card...or whatever the Narutoverse version was called, which would allow her the proper papers to get a job doing more than menial service work. Now Haku was humble enough that working as a restaurant server or a housemaid weren't beneath her, but she refused to wear the attire some of the potential bosses wanted her to.

With her new ID, she could finally apply for the job that she wanted. And given her skills as a medic, and the fact that the Hokage had even given her a recommendation, she was a shoe in for the job. Sadly, on her first day, she realized how frustrating the job would be. Several of her more persistent wannabe suitors had begun doing stupid things to get themselves admitted to the hospital in the hopes of being treated by her. In the end, she'd been promoted out of necessity, and sent to the pediatric wing. There, she filled in for the morning shift nurse who was on maternity leave, and even helped in the afternoons when needed.

888888

Having all reached a suitable level of proficiency with the Water Walking exercise, Kakashi's team couldn't do more than sit around, and wait for him. Sure, Naruto had training techniques he could use, and he had clones working on them even then, but none of them were safe for anyone save an Uzumaki or a Jinchuuriki. Therefore, as the team waited for their sensei, Naruto sat up in the tree, suppressing his chakra to near nothing. After all, making oneself disappear to the acute senses of a shinobi was a useful tool to have. Suddenly, and surprisingly only 45 minutes late, a swirl of leaves announced the arrival of Kakashi.

"You're late, again." Sakura said, though her face held an uncharacteristic smirk. When Kakashi noticed that Naruto was missing, only the mask on his face was able to hide his frown.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and to get back in and start over." He replied. Sakura, Sasuke, and even the hidden Naruto found themselves actually startled by Kakashi's excuse. For once, it was actually a pretty good one.

"Wow, that was actually a good one." Sakura said, resulting in a hidden smirk. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough, because a moment later, Naruto appeared in a swirl of poppy seeds.

"You're late, Naruto." Kakashi said.

"Sorry about that, but I was helping try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again." Naruto held a smirk back as Kakashi developed a twitch in the eye that he'd remembered Tsunade was prone to. "Candy ball?" Naruto asked, holding up the bag full of sweets that he'd pulled from a plothole because the author forgot to mention that he'd had them before.

"I don't like sweet things." Sasuke sneered, as Sakura and Kakashi reluctantly accepted one. Apparently, Sasuke was the only person on the team- and one of the few in the village- who didn't like Konoha's candy staple.

"Wait, isn't your favorite food sweet tomatoes?" Naruto asked. "Kind of a contradiction, don't you think?"

"Shut up, no one asked you." Sasuke said, flustered upon realizing that Naruto was right. "I happen to prefer salty treats."

"Sasuke, you'd better be glad that I promised I wouldn't unnecessarily tease you anymore, because declaring you like salty treats can be taken oh, so many ways." Sasuke stiffened.

"Naruto, I just want you to know that I hate you." Sasuke said, turning away from him. Smirking, Naruto threw up a swift henge, before replying.

"Foolish little brother, your hate isn't strong enough." Sasuke froze, turned to glare into the eyes of his elder brother- whom he knew was Naruto mocking him- and suddenly started twitching. Kakashi couldn't hold his laughs back, and was forced to agree with Naruto's next comment. "Sorry, but that was just too perfect to pass up."

Noticing that Sasuke was about to lose his composure, Kakashi decided to intervene. "Okay, now that you've all gotten the hang of Water Walking, I've decided to start you all on something fun- well, at least it'll be fun for me watching you."

And so began the teamwork training from hell. Naruto had to admit that what Kakashi did was sheer genius, and would have found it very amusing had he not been a part of the suffering. What he'd done, was tied each of their limbs together to their teammates corresponding limbs with maybe three feet of wire between each limb, and made them go through the Academy Kata.

What this forced them to do was synchronize their movements, because overextending- which given the longer reaches of Sakura and Sasuke was all too common- it would cause Naruto to be thrown off balance. Given the fact that Naruto was much stronger than his teammates, if he got too aggressive on a maneuver, it could pull Sakura and Sasuke off balance. All in all, Naruto had to admit it was a good training tool to foster teamwork- though Kakashi probably hadn't intended it to be through a mutual hatred of himself- as well as a good way for them to slowly but surely build them all up to a common footing. That is, if they didn't have to deal with Sasuke's ego, Sakura's complaining, and Naruto plotting pranking revenge on Kakashi for making him deal with the former two.

Little did the trio know, that Kakashi's next exercise was for them to do the same thing while Water Walking. When Kakashi woke up five days after announcing this particular hell, his traumatized shriek could be heard all the way in Wave Country. Why you ask? His stash had been replaced with hardcore yaoi of the bondage sort.

A smirking Naruto turned to his teammates and said.

"Sorry guys, but Kakashi-sensei is going to be late." Naruto said. "He just found that his entire porn stash has been replaced by extreme, hardcore, bondage yaoi, and is probably foaming at the mouth in mental suffering."

It was at this point that both Sakura and her Inner Persona vowed to never antagonize Naruto again. Naruto's vengeance tended to be scarring in the most heinous manner possible, striking at the thing you most loved, or found solace in. Sadly, it would take Sasuke a bit longer to learn this lesson.

88888888

By the time she reached the end of her second month of being a Konoha citizen, Haku had finally had enough of the unwanted attention. She decided to make sure everyone knew that she was spoken for, very much off limits, and exactly who had claimed her heart, and- according to rumors that neither she nor Naruto felt needed to be addressed- her virtue. The final straw for Haku's patience would actually come as a result of an incident dealing with the remaining member of her age group she had yet to meet.

As Naruto and Haku were heading to the training grounds- she enjoyed walking him there, before Shunshining to the hospital where she now worked- they ran into Hinata's teammates. As soon as Kiba saw her, his rather primal instincts- blame his clan, and their bonding to their canine- went into overdrive. When his eyes lit upon the fact that she was with Naruto, his inner alpha decided to try and rear its head. After all, he'd been ahead of Naruto at the Academy, and it was rather plainly obvious who the alpha was between them.

Now given what he knew of Naruto, and the fact that he hadn't seen the blond in well over two months- and therefore wasn't aware of the huge changes- one could argue that he should be forgiven for thinking he had a chance at taking Naruto's girl, and that all it would take was turning on the alpha male attitude. Then again, that whole Hinata issue should have given him some clue. First, though, he'd need to get some information.

"Hey Shino, who's the hottie with the loser?"

"That is Haku Momochi." Shino answered calmly. "She is Naruto's girlfriend."

"What about Hinata?" The dog user asked confused.

"According to the bugs I had planted on her, they have decided to share him." Kiba goggled at that. No way could that loser score a hot chick, let alone two.

"We'll see about that." Having tried and failed for years, Kiba knew trying to talk Hinata out of being with Naruto was an exercise in futility. This other girl, however- who obviously didn't know that _he_ was the alpha of their age group, and Naruto was at the bottom of the pack- wasn't indoctrinated into Dobevision like his teammate. With what he thought was a cool air, and just radiating the alpha male scent that women couldn't resist, Kiba approached Haku, and casually threw his arm around her shoulders. "Hey, why don't you ditch the dobe, an-AAGGGHHH!"

Before he'd even finished speaking, Haku had grabbed his arm, twisted it, and fliped him onto the ground. With almost minimal effort, she held him down with his arm pinned behind his back.

"You were touching me in a way that I did not like." The girl stated coldly. "Please do not do so again. My heart and my body have already been claimed by another, and you have no chance of convincing me otherwise." Standing, she gave him one last glare, before turning and walking away with Naruto. "Come, Naruto-sama, or we'll be late."

Kiba couldn't help but watch the pair walk off in shock. Moments later, a shadow fell over the young Inuzuka. Rolling over, he found himself staring up into the impassive face of his teammate.

"You met with failure." Came the usual monotone. "Why? Because like Hinata, Haku has found something special in Naruto that no one else possesses. My hypothesis is that it's his unmatched stamina, but I could be wrong. If there is any truth to the rumors my bugs have picked up, then it would seem our teammate is not as innocent as we once thought, and that you never stood a chance against Naruto."

"You know, that's the most I've ever heard you say." Kiba said suddenly, as he sat up.

"I am aware. That's why you won't hear me speaking for at least a week unless it's an emergency, or I am instructed to do so by a superior officer."

888

About ten minutes later, Naruto and Haku finally reached the training grounds. Giving his teammates a grin, he said.

"Sorry I'm late, but we got held up when Haku got angry at Kiba getting too touchy." Kakashi, not really caring at the moment, just nodded. He was still in recovery from yaoi discovery, and hadn't been able to even think of any excuses.

"Fine, whatever Naruto." Kakashi said.

"It was nice spending time with you this morning, Naruto-sama." Haku said sweetly, missing her boyfriend, but willing to make the sacrifice for her sister. "Now I must go, or I'll be late for my shift."

As they shared a chaste, but no less loving peck on the lips, Naruto could have sworn he heard someone growl. Turning, he caught Sasuke glaring at him in such a way, that could looks kill, he'd have had a strong case of indigestion.

"Don't tell me you're still mad about that." Naruto said, shortly after Haku disappeared in a swarm of bubbles.

"What do you have that I don't?" Sasuke growled. Fed up, Naruto decided to fight fire with several tons of pickle relish. This just meant that he replied in a way that got the job done, but did so in a completely inappropriate manner that could have saved time and others a lot of annoyance had he just used the best remedy.

"Superior physical attributes." Naruto couldn't help teasing. When he got a look of confusion, Naruto grabbed his crotch, and wagged his eyebrows. The twitch that developed over Sasuke's eyes proved that he understood. Kakashi groaned, just knowing this wasn't going to end well.

"Yeah right." Sasuke said, giving Uchiha Superior Smirk # 11. This was the patented, 'I-know-a-secret-you-don't' smirk.

You see, Sasuke had done some research, and had learned that for some reason, he didn't suffer from the Tiny Tackle curse his father's line did. It was probably for the best that Mikoto's journals never mentioned the reason for this. Sasuke probably wouldn't have handled learning that Fugaku wasn't his or Itachi's biological father very well. Unfortunately for Sasuke, Naruto had gotten the overkill on endowment genetics, and that was before you factored in the enhancements being the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki from birth forced the body to undergo.

"Fine, you want to have a dick measuring contest, then whip it out, teme." Naruto said, going for his zipper. "I win, you teach me that fire jutsu of yours. You win, I'll _give_ you the fire manipulation section of my family scroll to keep."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed at that. That jutsu- well, the particular way the Uchiha performed it- was sacred to his clan, and to teach it to someone not of the clan was just not done. On the other hand, given how fast the dobe seemed to get elemental manipulation down after reading his clan techniques, it was obviously worth the risk. Going for his own zipper- and ignoring the hyperventilating Sakura who looked like Christmas had come early, and lasted for a month- he was suddenly stopped by their sensei.

"Actually, I wouldn't make that bet, Sasuke." The man said. "While I have no real information on the men, female Uzumaki tended to be very well endowed; and none of the ones I've ever met had anything less than a D-cup by the time they were legal by civilian standards. Given recent events, I'm going to guess that the trait wasn't gender specific." In truth, he'd only ever met three Uzumaki, Kushina included, but he really didn't want to see either of his students expose themselves. "There's also the fact that according to a former teammate of mine, Naruto's father was big enough to give someone a concussion with a good club to the head."

Naruto couldn't help smirking at Sasuke's frown, and decided to rub it in just a bit.

"That's my secondary bloodline." Naruto replied.

"Useless." Sasuke taunted. "What good is having it if it doesn't do you any good in a fight?"

"First of all, it'll be a very useful bloodline to have when we get older." Naruto shot back. "And I'll have you know that my bloodline is very useful in a fight...well, against enemy kunoichi, anyway. Or have you already forgotten about Haku?"

Sasuke gave Naruto a glare that if looks could kill, would have given Naruto a slight headache. Hey, looks like that took time to get right, damn it. Well, at least he was working to improve the look.

Sakura- as she thought about exactly what Naruto was saying, and what it could mean- blushed a darker pink than her hair. Maybe she'd been just a bit premature in judging Naruto as unworthy of her romantic attention. And with Hinata and Haku as potential suitors, she wouldn't stand a chance. Shaking her head of such traitorous thoughts, she snuck a sideways glance to Sasuke.

'_Focus on the big prize. Focus on the big prize. Focus on the-scowl that's really starting to annoy me, and make me question my crush._' Sakura frowned. '_Damn it, Naruto has ruined a perfectly good fangirl obsession by proving everything that I thought I knew about he and Sasuke mostly wrong._'

Kakashi, well Kakashi remembered a certain redhead limping around his sensei's home- in nothing but a thin robe at that- with a huge smile on her face. He then remembered his precious, and the potential research that Naruto would provide with his new girlfriend(s) down the line. That line of thought, Naruto's claim that his bloodline was useful against enemy kunoichi, and Haku admitting that Naruto had made her a woman, led to another thought- one about a potential jutsu to flesh out for when he presented his own research to Jiraiya. The perverted giggles that followed, while creepy, were not unexpected.

"What are you giggling about?" Sakura growled.

"Just thinking of the most devastating jutsu for Naruto's new bloodline." Kakashi said. "The Instant Defection no Jutsu. I'm guessing that's what you used on Haku-chan. Though I am curious where this one came from."

After all, this was one that could have come from either side.

"From my father's side, actually." Naruto said- and really, Kakashi wasn't surprised given how much blood Rin had lost when she'd 'accidentally' seen sensei. "Before they joined Konoha, the Namikaze were horse farmers. The crazy thing was, some of the women in the clan loved their horses a bit too much, and made a habit of expressing this love in ways that I prefer not to go into. Over time, they noticed that the genitals of male children in the family started becoming much larger, so it worked out. Thankfully they decided to stop before the inheritances got too big."

"That's gross." Sakura protested as her sharp mind put the pieces together.

"Hey, I never said it was a glamorous bloodline history, but I certainly won't complain about the results."

Kakashi was frozen to the spot in horror. He could remember Kushina bragging about his sensei's horsedick to anyone who'd listen, much to Minato's embarrassment, and the seriously jealous looks on Mikoto's face. Suddenly, that limping, smiling redhead wasn't so fond a memory anymore. He was going to have nightmares about stumbling upon Kushina getting reamed by a horse with his sense's features, he just knew it. As his teammates reacted to the news, Naruto was having a mental conversation.

'_I'd like to reiterate that while their reactions were amusing, you're a sick, twisted bastard._' Naruto thought.

"Again, you say that like it's news to me." NB replied distractedly. "Now leave me alone. I just had a funny idea for Orochimaru's Edo Tensei that I'm trying to flesh out."

888888

While Naruto was traumatizing his teammates, elsewhere an elderly man was finally coming to a decision on the young man who was as much his grandson as Konohamaru was.

For nearly a month, the old Hokage had debated with himself over whether or not he should grant the request of Konoha's newest kunoichi. Given the general opinion held about Naruto, there would be no shortage of people who would protest the decision. After hearing about the incident involving Naruto, Kiba, and Haku- as well as what happened to Kakashi, and really not wanting to be on the receiving end of that for denying Naruto his lovelies- Sarutobi finally decided to act on the information that he'd found.

888

The next morning, after gathering his former teammates, Sarutobi sent out the messenger for a meeting of the Council. Once everyone was assembled, he wasted no time getting down to business.

"I have decided to grant the petition of Haku Momochi and Hinata Hyuuga to both marry Naruto." Sarutobi told the gathered advisors and Council members.

"You can't do that?" Some random Council member that surprisingly wasn't Sakura's banshee of a mom, but that no one really cares about yelled. Although to be fair, that title was only because no one had invented a silencing technique that could truly give her and her husband privacy when they were intimate. In his cold, calculating, borderline villain tone, Danzo jumped on the little nugget.

"Random Councilmember-san is correct, Sarutobi." He spoke. "Despite what some may think, Naruto is a citizen of Konoha, and therefore subject to Konoha's laws." Danzo didn't restrict taking digs to only Sarutobi, he was also fond of taking shots at the stupid civilians. Them even more, because he at least respected the old monkey's ability as a ninja. "He does not come from a shinobi clan, and therefore does not qualify for the CRA protocols that would allow for bigamy."

"I am aware of that, Danzo." Sarutobi began with a smirk. "However, when it comes to Naruto, the Konoha protocols do not apply."

"Oh, do tell." The bandaged man said. While his tone was just mocking enough to appease certain civilians, Sarutobi was able to tell that his real feelings on the subject were amused interest. As much as Danzo liked badgering him, he took an especially sick amusement from Sarutobi getting one over on uppity civilians.

"Tell me, where was Naruto born?"

"In Kono-" That same unimportant council member started.

"I see." Danzo blatantly interrupted, coming to the exact conclusion that Sarutobi wanted him to.

"Sarutobi you genius." Koharu muttered with a smirk.

It should be noted that none of the shinobi on the council had any kind of problems with Naruto- well except for Koharu, who upon learning how many Kage Bunshin he could make in one shot, was wishing that she was about 50 years younger. And Hiashi, who was dealing with a teenage daughter who tended to swoon everytime the boys name was mentioned, and had been doing it ever since he'd declared that he had _intentions_ towards her- and most actually quite liked him.

Hell, given all of their experiences with the demon cat Tora, the boy was practically a hero, and none of them would have been opposed to Naruto having intentions towards their daughters. Though it should be mentioned that with the exception of Hiashi and Tsume, none of them had daughters, and none of them knew of Naruto's ability to turn their sons into daughters.

Tsume didn't care because Hana was old enough to make her own decisions, and she knew that his stamina would mean her daughter would be a happy wife.

"The only reason I would have to deny them, would be if Hiashi had any issues with his daughter wedding Naruto."

Hiashi shook his head in the negative. Denying her after the Hokage had approved of it...given how much like her mother she'd turned out to be so far, he was going to err on the side of caution. Besides, while his daughter's reaction to the boy's intentions were irritating, the only real issue he had was the bitch fits the elders were prone to because of Naruto's unimpressive birth. To them, royal clan or not, the Uzumaki were a foreign clan, and whether they produced a Hokage or not, the Namikaze were not a prestigious clan.

Which was ironic, considering their less than prestigious origins. The Hyuuga had started out as exterminators. Not of the enemy ninja variety, but of the household pests pursuasion. Using their eyes to scan buildings, the Hyuuga of olden times would be able to instantly pinpoint where the insects were, and wipe out their nests. They were very good at what they did, and it was said that people even bowed in gratitude the second they saw the tan uniform of the Hyuuga approaching.

It wasn't until a few Hyuuga decided to study the shinobi arts, and learned about chakra that they found another use for their Bloodline. It had begun because the heiress of the clan just so happened to be an exceptionally well endowed girl with an uber 'moe' cuteness (4)(^), and there were those of a perverted nature who wished to possess her. Thus the Hyuuga, in a bid to protect their heiress, began the path that would make them a shinobi clan.

"I don't understand." Tsume finally stated, getting back to the original point of Naruto not being born in Konoha.

"Naruto was not born within the walls of Konoha." Sarutobi started. "He was actually born about a mile away as a precaution. His mother, who had been the previous host for the Kyuubi, was aware that the seal would weaken while she was giving birth, so she did so away from the village just in case."

"What does the boy being born outside the village walls have to do with anything?" Random Councilmember spat.

"Since Naruto is an Uzumaki by birth, and was born outside of the walls of Konoha, he technically has all of the rights and privileges as all Konoha stationed shinobi from the Uzumaki Clan of Uzushiogakure. As you are aware, Uzumaki custom stipulates that Uzumaki may have multiple spouses should they find such love, and the spouses are willing to share. Apparently it also allows any men married to an Uzumaki woman to have multiple spouses as well."

"So that's what Kushina meant when she kept telling me and Mikoto that she didn't mind sharing." Tsume said. "Wish I'd have taken her up on that offer, instead of hooking up with Kiba's deadbeat dad."

"Hokage-sama, if I may, why are you doing this?" A nobleman asked.

"Aside from the fact that it's the right thing to do?" Sarutobi asked. "The simple matter is because it would be in the best interests of the village. Not only will allowing them to formally declare their intentions cut down on the numerous hospital visits by wannabe suitors for Miss Momochi," Random Councilmember scowled at that. His son had been one of those wannabe suitors. "-but it will also ensure us a new bloodline, and that our Jinchuuriki doesn't decide to take his family to another village that would accept them."

"But that would be treason." Random Councilwoman said. "The Kyuubi belongs to Konoha, he can't leave the village."

"Again, you must remember that Naruto is an Uzumaki, and was born outside the village." Sarutobi explained. "As a clan, the Uzumaki were allied with Konoha, but they were never officially a part of Konoha. Should Naruto desire to leave, there is legally nothing we can do to stop him, regardless of him being a ninja. As for the Kyuubi belonging to us, I ask you this. Who was the first shinobi to contain the Kyuubi? How did the Kyuubi even come to be associated with our village?"

"Mito Uzumaki, Kushina Uzumaki, and Naruto Uzumaki." Danzo said in understanding. "The Kyuubi had been containted in three Uzumaki, none of which were born to this village. If anything, that biju belongs to their clan, and it would be in our best interst to keep the last one loyal to us."

The old Kage gave them a few minutes to ponder his words, before dismissing them. When it was just the four elders left in the room, Danzo spoke the thought that had been on his mind since it had been said.

"We both know that Naruto would never leave or betray Konoha, Sarutobi." The mummy said. "He loves this village too much."

"The four of us know this, but they don't." The Hokage said.

"It's times like this that remind me why you were chosen to be Hokage." Danzo gave him a nod, before leaving. He was soon followed by Koharu and Homura.

Once he was alone in his office with just the paperwork, he let out a frustrated sigh. "And it's times like this that I envy the three of you for not being chosen."

888

At the same time as this was happening, Naruto and Kakashi were arriving for another day of training and missions with Team 7.

"You're late Kakashi-sensei." Sakura said, though it should be noticed that she no longer yelled it.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got lost on the road of life."

"Yeah right." She deadpanned, then turned to Naruto. "And what's your excuse?"

"Ano, I was following Kakashi-sensei (*)." He said, shrugging. As Kakashi grumbled about being bested again, Sakura and Sasuke couldn't help smirking at the excuse Naruto chose.

"**Ha! Take that late baka-sensei!**" Inner Sakura cheered, punching the air.

Frustrated, Kakashi tried to decide what to do today. The mission office was out because the only D-ranks available were for people who had irrational Naruto hatreds, and the only two C's they were eligable for, he didn't trust Naruto on. Not that they couldn't do them, but there was too much potential for Naruto to have free time...free time that had been spent plotting pranks on himself ever since he'd called Naruto a genius. You'd think he'd take that as a compliment, but no, Naruto was insulted.

He couldn't do teamwork exercises at the moment, because frankly, with the mood Naruto was in, if even just he and Sakura were able to work together, well, it would be a fairly unpleasant experience for him. Until he was able to figure something out, he decided to just set the trio to water walking on the waterfall nearby their training grounds. The exercise in itself was impossible to perform, let alone master. The logistics of water walking, combined with gravity, as well as the current and flow of the water, made it an undoable task. Hence the reason he'd assigned it, as it would give him plenty of time to think.

About an hour later, Kakashi found himself shocked, and slightly horrified. Having finally figured out something for them to do, he'd rejoined his squad to find that once again, Naruto and impossible led to being scarred for life. Not only was Naruto skating along the surface of the fall as if it were still water, but Sakura was walking calmly, if a little slowly, and even Sasuke had a firm footing so long as he remained still. In the split second that followed, Kakashi waged an inner debate with himself over whether or not he would save face and ignore what he was seeing, or swallow his pride and ask Naruto to show him how they'd done it.

He decided to ask Sakura later. She was the most likely to show him, and the least likely to mock him for asking. Plus, if he worded his inquiry as if he wanted to know how they were doing it, as opposed to the way he was taught, she'd be less likely to question him.

Kakashi closed his eyes, took several deep breaths, and counted slowly to ten. When he opened his eyes, the only thing that had changed were the number of orange clad blonds skating on the waterfall, the original was sitting with a book in his lap, and he noticed one male/female pair who seemed to be performing a couples skating routine. Suddenly, the blond reading the book went poof- book and all- and he heard a sound to his left that chilled his blood.

"Muahahahaha!" Naruto cackled, evilly. He grinned as the laugh caused both his teammates to lose concentration, and fall from the waterfall they were trying to climb. "Muahaha! Muha-haha-haha!"

"Naruto, what are you doing?" Kakashi asked.

"I'm practicing my evil laugh." Naruto replied. "You know, just in case I decide to defect or get banished because of _it_, I'll have an evil laugh to use to strike fear into the Konoha fools' hearts." Okay, that was the last straw. Kakashi could admit that some of Naruto's antics were amusing, but a lot of them were disturbing, and this was one of the disturbing times. Kakashi grabbed the blond by the shoulder.

"Sasuke, Sakura, waterfall climbing until I return." With that the two disappeared.

Half an hour later, found Kakashi sitting in the waiting room of the Konoha psychiatric office. He hadn't been here since Hitomi had recommended he retire from Anbu. Speaking of the delectable Chuunin.

"Kakashi, what are you doing here?" She asked. "Do you have an appointment?"

"No, I'm waiting on one of my students." He said. "Naruto has been acting a little off since the Wave Mission, and I brought him in to see you, but you were out. Kouga-san said he'd take care of him though." Hitomi paled.

"Kakashi, you didn't." She said. "There is a standing order that Naruto is never to be left alone with Kouga."

"It can't be that bad, can it?"

"Kouga has Kyuubi issues, and the last time Naruto was here, he vowed that he would leave Kouga in a corner crying." Whatever else she was going to say was cut off as Naruto exited the room with a wide grin. Peeking his head in, sure enough, he found Kouga sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth, sobs falling from his lips, and tears flowing from his eyes like Gai upon encountering something extraordinarily youthful.

"Naruto, what did you do?" Kakashi asked sternly.

"I made him feel like less of a man." Came the easy reply. For a moment, Kakashi didn't know whether to be proud or fearful of that declaration's implications.

For over an hour, the other shrinks tried to find out exactly what Naruto had done, but with no success. Eventually, the man had to be sedated and committed. Really, it wasn't Naruto's fault that Kouga didn't know that his wife was a very sexually liberated woman, that he just wasn't getting the job done, and that the 45 year old cougar had likely popped as many male cherries, as Tsunade had bottles of sake in the last year. Sometimes his knowledge of the future was very useful. He'd have to see if he could get Kakashi to schedule them one of her D-ranks. Maybe getting laid would help Sasuke's attitude.

Heaving a sigh of frustration, Kakashi just told Naruto to meet him back at their training grounds after he was discharged.

"Sorry it took so long," Naruto started, arriving in a swirl of rice cakes thirty minutes later. "-but-"

"Save it, Naruto." Kakashi said. "Go spar with Sakura and Sasuke."

Shrugging, Naruto did as told. A few moments later, Haku and Hinata both arrived via swirling bubbles, and glomped their blond boyfriend- Haku kicking Sasuke away from where he was sneaking up behind Naruto- and thoroughly kissed his cheek.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what was that for?" Naruto asked. Given that Hinata had yet to stop kissing Naruto, Haku answered.

"I do not quite know, myself." She answered. "Hinata-chan and I were eating lunch together, and suddenly had the urge to hug and kiss you."

The reason for the urge would be revealed later that evening when the trio were called to the Hokage's office.

88888888

When the news regarding Naruto's ability to marry both Hinata and Haku hit the rumor mill, it had circulated the entire village within two hours. Most reactions were typical. The unrepentant Naruto haters were spitting vitrol that could poison someone with even Orochimaru's insane tolerance. Most of the village- shinobi included- just shrugged, and carried on with their lives, especially when the circumstances that allowed Naruto the right came out. After all, overthinking anything dealing with the Uzumaki tended to lead to long stays in mental health facilities.

There was one person, however, who normally would have been among the shruggers, but couldn't stop his anger from growing at the news. He wasn't so caring about the fact that Naruto could marry twice, rather he was furiously annoyed by the fact that Naruto could keep his promise to Hinata, and now legally marry the woman he wanted to be the mother of his heirs. As a result of the ruling, Sasuke had taken to glaring at Naruto, and his teamwork with Naruto- which had oddly enough began to improve- had suffered for it.

Another thing that had added an interesting dynamic to their team meetings, was Kakashi's new obsession with trying to outdo Naruto's lateness excuses. This dynamic had actually brought the team together- well, mostly Sakura, Naruto, and Kakashi, even Sasuke a bit until 'The Ruling'- to the point that Naruto could actually consider them friends, and surprisingly well before the Chuunin Exams. Kakashi had been annoyed by always losing out to Naruto at first, until he'd seen how well his students had taken to the side bars, and the positive effect it was having.

For the sake of his team, he'd stepped up his creativity, and even come up with a few good ones- and on occasion excuses that were actually believable. When Kakashi arrived, he was greeted by an amusedly exasperated Sakura saying.

"You're late again, sensei." Kakashi eyesmiled.

"Sorry I'm late, but I was forced to take a paternity test due to a mistaken identity." Kakashi said, causing Sakura to develop an eye twitch. Sure it was a good one, but highly inappropriate, and far too close to real life events for comfort. Looking up into the tree that he suspected Naruto was waiting in, he added. "Beat that, Naruto."

Unfotunately, Naruto did. As soon as he arrived, Sakura mock glared at him and asked. "So what's your excuse this time, Naruto?"

"Hey, this time it wasn't my fault." Naruto exclaimed. "Somehow, Anko-san found out about my second bloodline, and how many Kage Bunshin I can make, and wanted to testdrive my stamina. Jumped me right there on my apartment floor."

"And just where were Haku and Hinata while you were sleeping around?" Sasuke asked arrogantly, hoping to trip him up.

"Sitting on the couch asking questions, and taking notes." The blond replied easily.

Sasuke balked at the thought that another woman that he'd considered worthy of helping rebuild his clan was now interested in Naruto, '_What if that dobe is right? What if women really do prefer his stupid bloodline over the elite Sharingan? No, no, it's not possible. The Dobe may have brainwashed Haku with his penis, but Anko is too smart, too good a shinobi, and far too clever for that._'

888

As it would happen, a few days later, Sasuke's worst fears just so happened to be proven correct- to an extent, anyway. Word had gotten back to Anko about what Naruto had said- he could thank Kakashi's annoyance at having a sure winning excuse so easily trumped- and while definitely amused, she had to make it plain to him that certain things just wouldn't fly.

It of course started with their sensei arriving late, and with a fairly clever excuse as had become normal. Naruto however, had both easily trumped it, and to Sasuke and Sakura's confusion, traumatized their sensei. Arriving in a green onesy (that was thankfully not spandex), Naruto apologized for being late. His excuse,

"I tried to get there on time, honest, but I fell into the Spring of Youth (+).". Seeing the horror filled expression on his sensei's face, Naruto released the Henge, and vowed never to tease his sensei like that again.

Just as Kakashi was about to start them on their excercises for the day, Anko Shunshined in, and draped an arm over Naruto's shoulder, grinning maniacally.

"Hey cyclops, mind if I borrow the gaki for a second?" Once the others were far enough away, Anko draped herself over his back, and Naruto could feel her generous bust pressed into his back. "You've got some nerve, gaki."

"Why whatever did I do to upset you, Anko-san?" Naruto asked innocently.

"Let's just say that I've been hearing some stories about how I decided to test your stamina." Naruto winced. "Consider yourself very lucky that I caught Iruka's attention, or that little excuse of yours wouldn't have just been an excuse for long; especially since you had the audacity to insinuate and implicate us performing certain enjoyable exertions that I happen to be very fond of. Since I'm a well kept woman, you're off the hook, but that also means no more talking about me, or I might have to cut something off. I'd hate to disappoint those cute little closet pervs of yours because you had a big mouth, and I had to make sure 'Ruka-kun knew I was faithful to him. Comprende?"

"Perfectly." Naruto replied, feeling a kunai pressed against his crotch.

"By the way-" Anko said.

"Let me guess, if you and Iruka don't work out for some reason, you're going to drag me off, and ride me till the cows come home?" Naruto blushed when she squeezed him tighter, and her tongue swiped his middle whisker mark.

"Bingo." She replied, ruffling his hair, before a swirl of leaves announced her departure.

Naruto let loose a shudder, trying to will away the goosebumps popping up all over. Anko Mitarashi was seduction on two well shaped legs, attached to an amazing ass. That tongue thing was incredibly erotic, and much more effective without a cut on his cheek. He knew without a doubt that had the Special Jounin not been with Iruka, she'd have dragged him to Haku and requested of her and Hinata to join his 'harem'. And if he knew his girls, he was pretty sure the answer would be in the affirmative, and he knew that he would be in way over his head when they got to the intimacy stage of their relationship- which would have been very soon.

'_Right, I'm going to have to find a way to talk Iruka into proposing._' Naruto thought.

While Naruto and Anko's discussion was nothing more than a coming to agreement of terms, to three others, it looked like so much more. After Kakashi had shrugged his acceptance, he'd led Sasuke and Sakura away to give Anko and Naruto some privacy. He'd tried to get the other two started, but they were just too distracted by what was happening to Naruto- and really, he couldn't blame them.

While no one heard the conversation, they could still see what was happening. What they did see was Anko draped across Naruto's back in an inappropriately lewd manner. They did see her hug him tightly. They did see her arms positioned in such a way that they could fairly easily guess where her hands were- though her hands, and the kunai in said hands went unnoticed. And finally, they did see her lick his cheek. That was all the evidence needed to add 2 and 2, and get 7.

For Sasuke, that was all the confirmation he needed that Naruto was in possession of something that he desperately needed for the sake of his clan's future. Damn it, he hated admitting that Naruto was right, and he hated even more having to ask the idiot for help. Still, Naruto had the tools, and they seemed to be working very well for him. Maybe it was time to let past annoyances lie, and seek his help.

Once the incredibly hot kunoichi- Iruka, you lucky bastard- had left, Naruto rejoined his team, and Kakashi got them started.

After about an hour, a frustrated Kakashi called an end to the days training. The three redfaced Genin were way too distracted to function properly, and the way Naruto and Sakura kept reacting to coming in contact with each other- especially considering that there was no romantic attraction between the two- plainly told him that Anko's presence and actions had deeply effected them, and they needed to cool off a bit before being around the opposite sex. Seriously, there were times Kakashi was awed by the woman's ability to effortlessly cause such reactions in people...now, however, was not one of those times.

888

Fifteen minutes later found Naruto taking full advantage of the unscheduled day off. With Haku still on shift at the hospital and Hinata with her team, Naruto was flying solo for the day. Normally he would have invited his team along to stave off the boredom, but since Sasuke was back to being a jackass, and having physiological reactions to Sakura that were reserved for Hinata and Haku had left him feeling extremely uncomfortable, he'd decided to eat alone.

He was on his fifth bowl of the sweet ambrosia, when his tranquil eating experience was interrupted by his teammate.

Sitting down with a huff, Sasuke spoke. "Naruto, I need to talk to you."

"Can it wait, I'm kind of busy at the moment." Naruto gave a groan of happiness as he savored another bite of delicious ramen.

Sasuke, not appreciating being ignored, grabbed the bowl and dumped it into a nearby trash. "There, now you're done, you can spare the time."

Glaring, Naruto decided to see what the uppity asshole wanted, so that he could eat his heavenly delight in peace. "Fine, what do you want, teme?"

Deciding not to antagonize Naruto- although given what he'd just done, that sentiment was kind of late- Sasuke cut right to the chase. "I want you to teach me how to do that transformation of yours; the real one, not the one they teach at the academy."

'_Why should I?_' Is what Naruto wanted to say, but decided being civil would get rid of Sasuke faster. "Why do you want or need to learn it? It's not like it'll do you much good against Itachi."

'_So that I can grow my willy and steal Anko and Haku away from you, you idiot!_' Is what Sasuke thought. What he said was, "So that I can be in a better position to rebuild my clan later."

"Sorry Sasuke, but I'm makng that a family technique." Naruto replied. "And I'm not about to let you pervert it for your own sick whims."

'_Besides, if you wanted my help, your first mistake was tossing my ramen._' Naruto thought.

"Damn it Naruto, I need your huge cock." Sasuke yelled, causing several women, and a couple men, to stop, stare, picture what they thought was going on, and then projectile nosebleed.

"Sasuke, walk away before I get arrested for assault." Growled Naruto. Huffing in frustration at his failed attempt, Sasuke turned and walked away.

While Sasuke made sure that he left in a manner that would save face, and make sure he wouldn't look like a coward, he still walked away like he'd been told. He may still call Naruto Dobe, but that didn't mean he wasn't aware of the fact that Naruto was quite possibly his equal now in many areas, and slightly ahead of him in others.

Now that that avenue had closed, he was going to have to find another way to get Haku and Anko's attention on him instead of the Dobe. Sure there was Sharingan hypnosis, but resorting to that would only prove the Dobe his superior, and he would not ever allow that. Not even as a last resort. No, he was going to have them as his wives, true, but he was going to do it on his own merits.

Delusional, I know, but Sasuke still considered himself Naruto's superior man, and Anko's relationship with Iruka wasn't exactly common knowledge. She'd decided to keep things quiet as she was still getting used to the idea of being a girlfriend. While she thought there were too many rules, she couldn't deny the way it made her feel- and she'd _never_ felt with a guy before. But I digress.

Back at the ramen stand, Naruto had explained the situation- after ordering a replacement bowl of ramen- and to say Ayame was shocked at Naruto's tirade was an understatement. For one, it was just a little over the top, and two, it didn't make much since.

"Wait, let me get this straight." Ayame said. "Godaime Hokage Tsunade-sama, Hiashi-san, Neji, Hinata, and Sakura find out that you've impregnated both Moegi, and Hinata's little sister Hanabi. They get pissed, and come to thrash you, only to interrupt both pregnant preteens being gangbanged by three of your Kage Bunshin each, while you're busy off to the side, impregnating another preteen girl from Hanabi's class that has a crush on you. And you'd rather face their combined wrath after all of that than forgive Sasuke?"

"Yup," Naruto said, nodding.

"Geez Naruto, that seems a bit harsh, don't you think?" Ayame asked. "I mean, I'm flattered that you liked it so much, but it was just ramen."

"First of all, nothing from Ichiraku is 'just ramen'." Naruto said passionately. "And second, it's the principle of the matter. His actions and attitude were completely uncalled for."

"If you say so." The teen said as she left him to go take another customer's order.

It was only after Naruto had left the stand vowing vengeance that she realized what was odd about Naruto's declaration.

'_Wait a second, Hinata's little sister and that little girl who idolizes him are like, eight._' She thought. '_Where did he get pre-teen from? And last she'd checked, Old Man Sarutobi was still the Hokage._'

888

In another part of the village, Zabuza and Kakashi were having a bonding moment over Icha Icha. Well, they were bonding as much as to virtually anti-social perverts with porn obsessions could. As it was, both had found the same quiet section of the park ideal for a little Icha time, and by unspoken agreement, decided to share. Really, it wasn' like their present company was going to disturb their precious reading time. Unfortunately, there was still one person in the village who took pride in interrupting Kakashi's 'me time', and had made it his mission to make Kakashi more sociable.

"I've finally found you Kakashi." Gai said. "I challenge you, my eternal rival, to a game of dice."

"Huh, did you say something?" Both Zabuza and Kakashi said, looking up at the same time. They been distracted by the girl on page 92 who had Tsunade like proportions, a top that could barely hold it in, and cleavage that a child's head could fit into.

"GRAAAHH!" Gai screamed, pointing at the two. "It would seem my rival's hip attitude is spreading."

88888888

Little did Naruto know the repercussions of denying Sasuke access to something that the young Uchiha felt was so vitally important to the future of his clan. By the time training had commenced the next day, Sasuke was back to his old self. He'd spend a good portion of the training session extolling the virtues of his clan's powerful bloodline, and ridiculing his teammates for being losers and holding him back. Amazing how being denied the tools to steal another man's girlfriend had reversed all the work the Water Walking exercise had done in humbling Sasuke.

Late one evening a few weeks later, while spending time with one of his girlfriends- Hinata had a clan thing, so couldn't join them, and Naruto was very annoyed that it was happening more frequently since the announcement- and her father, Naruto found himself venting to his pseudo family.

"I swear that bastard is so asking for it." Naruto growled, before muttering to himself. "-over-inflated opinion of himself and that stupid bloodline."

To be perfectly honest, Zabuza agreed with Naruto. The Uchiha as a whole had been overly proud and arrogant. They were a bunch of traitors to boot, and their infamous history was riddled with the backstabbing of both allies and even their own members for power. Intel about the clan pegged them as somewhat lazy, and content to smugly rub the accomplishments of bygone ancestors in others faces. About the only thing he found even potentially useful about them were their eyes.

Still, if there was one thing that Zabuza knew, it was that one had to take teasing opportunities on Naruto when they came. They were far too rare to pass us as it was.

"Sounds like someone's jealous to me." Zabuza teased.

"Why should I be jealous of Sasuke?" Naruto asked. "_I'm_ the one with the girlfriends and bloodline that _he_ wants."

"That's true, but it's probably only because you got to them first." Zabuza taunted. "Maybe if he had a chance with them, he could change their minds."

Apparently the fear that Zabuza had had of Naruto and his mysterious power- Naruto had been quite amused when Haku had told him that story- had dwindled a bit after Naruto became Haku's boyfriend. It would seem as if it was time that he be reminded of just how Haku came to be his girlfriend. Running through two seals, Naruto projected his chakra outward towards the smirking Jounin.

"Oiroke no Jutsu!" Naruto exclaimed suddenly.

When the smoke cleared, where Zabuza was once sitting, was now a fairly beautiful woman with soft amber eyes. The wrappings around her mouth were partially pulled away, to reveal puffed, pouty lips, and a slender, feminine facial structure. Oddly enough, Zabuza's somewhat lean build had bulked up in places. While his upper body had changed little, just becoming less defined, and more femininely toned, and sprouting a pair of what looked to be small D-cups- both of which were capped by large, puffy points- his lower body had swelled.

Zabuza's hips had flared out dramatically, giving him/her a very nice hourglass shape. His/Her thighs had also plumped a bit, the toned muscles taking on a rather sinisterly sexy shape. While she couldn't tell if the former man had any junk in the trunk due to the fact that Zabuza was still sitting, Haku found herself very intrigued by the change, especially from this side of it.

One had to give Zabuza credit, though. Aside from a minute twitch of the left eye, and the tensing of his jaw from what was obviously clenched teeth, the change was taken in stride, and with great dignity. Taking a deep breath, Zabuza stood from the couch, and headed to his/her bedroom of the apartment he/she shared with Haku. With his/her back turned to them, Haku was able to confirm that her father?...mother?...did indeed have a nice bit of change to squeeze onto in back, though it was covered by her long, wavy hair. Haku's face then lit up with redness when she realized she'd been checking this feminine version of Zabuza out like she did Naruto.

"N-Naruto-sama?" Haku asked, conveying several questions all at once, and deciding to let Naruto pick the ones to answer on his own.

"Don't worry, it's not permanent." Naruto said. "At least this time it isn't. He should turn back in a couple days when the chakra I used finally burns out. Besides, even if Zabuza does make a hot chick, butch is so not my type."

"Can you turn him back?" Haku asked, relief obvious in her voice.

"I could, but after that comment, he can stew as a woman for a bit." Naruto said. "Instead of a father, you'll have a mother for a couple days. I almost hope he starts menstruating. Although I have to admit, he took it better than I thought he would."

Little did our couple know, that the moment he'd gotten the privacy jutsu up in his room, Zabuza cupped his boobs, rubbed between his legs for a second or two, then let out a Sakura-ish shriek of terror, before fainting dead away. When the swordswoman awoke a few hours later, she'd soon be found curled up in the fetal position in her bed, sobbing her eyes out. The prevailing thought...

'_How could I have been so stupid as to provoke him?_' More wailing would ensue, before. '_I can't believe I forgot that he could do that, even with Haku as proof sitting right there in front of me._'

888

Deciding to leave Zabuza to him/herself for the evening, Haku and Naruto decided to have a nice dinner out together. As their luck would have it, as soon as Naruto opened the door, he was met with the rather cute features of his other hime.

"Hinata-hime?" Naruto asked, causing the girl to squeak in startlement. "What are you doing here? Not that I'm not happy, but I thought you had something with your family tonight."

"N-Naruto-sama." She blushed. "Ano, Hanabi-chan wasn't feeling well, so father rescheduled."

"Oh, well that's great!" Naruto exclaimed, before backtracking. "Not that Hanabi got sick, but that you could join us. We were going to get something to eat, so you can join us."

"Naruto-sama, could we please go somewhere other than Ichiraku?" Haku asked. "As good as the food is, and as much as I like the company, I was hoping that we could dine elsewhere sometimes."

"Oh, okay." Naruto answered uneasily, just a tad fearful at what would likely happen, and wishing that he'd told them about the fox sooner. This really wasn't the way Naruto wanted to reveal to his girlfriends that the village despised him, and he certainly didn't want Haku to regret making Konoha her home with him.

To Naruto's immense shock, it wasn't difficult finding a place to eat that would accept his patronage. As it would happen, there were many restaurants in Konoha run by former shinobi, or relatives of them. For the hero who'd defeated the Terrible Tora, he was accepted any place that was shinobi owned, and found himself getting a rather nice discount as well. The small group, who hoped to be a family some day, finally decided on a small teriyaki stand. They greatly enjoyed themselves, and it wasn't until Hinata was about to order desert that things took a turn for the bad.

As Naruto, Haku, and Hinata sat chatting amicably, they were suddenly accosted by someone who Naruto recognized as one of the young men whose advances had been rebuffed by his girlfriend. Never one to take rejection well, the merchant noble's son had decided that if he couldn't have Haku, he wasn't going to let the demon have her either.

"How could you?" The man asked. "How could you marry him? How can you pick him over me?"

When one compared the two, and considered all of their good and bad points, it really was quite obvious why Haku had picked Naruto over him. Sadly, for a young man who was practically Sasuke without the bloodline, ninja abilities, and emo tendencies, his arrogance just wouldn't let him see the obvious. Even still, Hinata gave a small spiel extolling Naruto's virtues, and happily talking about the things she had always admired about him. Haku gave a slightly more perverted reply, revealing his special bloodline, and how much she and Hinata looked forward to its use on them in a few years when they were ready for such things.

Still unable to accept that a clanless orphan had been chosen over him- after all, he could accept the rejection by the Uchiha fangirls- he decided to strike Naruto below the belt.

"So I guess the little monster hasn't told you his secret, then." When the two girls looked at Naruto curiously, the jack ass pounced on the little nugget. "Oh, so he hasn't, eh. I'm not surprised, seeing that it's an S-class secret that we're forbidden from talking about. I'd be embarrassed if I was a monster in hiding as well."

Eyes downcast, Naruto payed for the meal, and requested Hinata's dessert to go. With both highly confused girls in tow, Naruto headed back to his apartment, and prepared to tell them about the Kyuubi.

About a half hour later, twin gobsmacked expressions told the story. Then all of a sudden. "You what?!" Hinata exclaimed.

Her breathing became heavy, and she began to hyperventilate. He couldn't have possibly said what she thought he just said. There was no way it could be this easy. Hinata's heart began pounding in her chest at the possibilities, and her pupils dilated to the point that they were almost visible. All too soon, she became overwhelmed by the thoughts and possibilities, and with rolling eyes, Hinata fainted.

Several minutes later, Hinata woke up, and bolted up upright into a sitting position staring off into space.

"N-Naruto-sama, I need to go," She said standing, before running out the door.

As she ran from Naruto's apartment, she never noticed the looks of sadness and disappointment from Naruto and Haku respectively.

Naruto's face held an especially sad expression, never having thought Hinata would have been like that, especially considering what had happened in his previous life fighting Pein. Then again, that fight was years from now, and maybe she just wasn't ready to deal with something like that so soon.

Haku's disappointment was palpable. For her to claim to love Naruto-sama, and then run away over something so trivial- okay, so maybe it wasn't trivial, but the sentiment still held- she was disgusted. And to think she had begun to like the girl, and had actually started looking forward to sharing Naruto-sama with her.

Any other thoughts they may have had on the subject were ended when Hinata darted back into the room, grasped Naruto's face, and kissed him full on the lips.

"I love you, Naruto-sama." She said. "But I really need to talk to my father."

With that, Hinata ran from Naruto's apartment again, headed to the Hyuuga compound as swiftly as her legs would carry her. Haku gave Naruto a bemused smile, before mimicking her sister girlfriend.

"I believe that settles that." She said, much happier that she'd been wrong about Hinata's reaction. "Unless you majorly make a mess of things, I believe that you're stuck with us, Naruto-sama."

888

As two thirds of the triumverate settled down for a post major secret reveal comfort snuggle, the third member was racing across the village to her family's home as fast as her legs would carry her. Without breaking stride, Hinata reached the walls of her family's compound, and darted up. Jumping down, and landing smoothly, she raced to the large manor that she slept in. She ran down the halls, taking turns at a run, and even running on the walls when her turns didn't quite hit right, all in her haste to reach her father's office.

Upon reaching the room that she knew her father was in, Hinata barged into the room, and began speaking.

"Father, I know that you said never to disturb you in your happy place, but I have important news."

"What kind of news, Hinata?" Hiashi asked, willing to give his daughter the chance to explain herself. Hinata knew not to disturb him when he was meditating unless it was an emergency.

"The kind that will validate my relationship with Naruto-s...I mean Naruto-kun." She said, catching herself at the last minute. She'd remembered the near heart attack that her father had almost had the last time she'd said Naruto-sama. It was only after she'd explained why she was calling him that, that he'd accepted her chosen form of address. She was still barred from repeating the phrase in his presence though.

"I see." He said, curiosity spiked. "When I next assemble the elders, you can explain it to us all."

"Hai, father." She said. That she'd delivered her request without a hint of stutter further spiked Hiashi's curiosity.

Hinata headed to her room, and changed her clothes for bed. Grabbing the stuffed Naruto doll she'd made when she was nine, Hinata sat on the bed and began envisioning how her life would be in the future with Naruto and Haku. She could see the three of them with a bunch of dark blue, black, and blond haired children running round. She could see herself- with a slightly swollen belly- snuggled up into her husbands lap- who was wearing the Hokage's robes- while their medic wife gave her a check up. She could see the exuberent smile on her face, just imagining how wonderful her life would be.

She stopped just short of imagining how her belly had gotten so swollen, and how the many children came to be. She didn't think she could handle imagining those things just yet. Sure, she'd used her Byakugan to peak at Naruto's chest and underwear. And she admitted that she liked what she'd seen when it turned out he was going commando that day. Still, she wasn't quite ready to start imagining doing things to it, or having that used on her.

888

A Thursday morning just over two months until the Chuunin Exams found Naruto setting up a small stand in the market district. The purpose, he'd finally finished the materials for his greatest prank yet. Sadly, this was also to be his last great prank on Sasuke, as he'd been forced to realize that antagonizing Sasuke was counter-productive to his aims of keeping the teme in Konoha- even if the bastard really deserved it. A little over an hour later, just as the market began to see the early morning traffic of early risers and Konoha shinobi who were used to being up early, Naruto was ready to begin. Seeing a young Genin looking at his stand with curiosity, Naruto motioned the boy over.

"What're you selling?" The boy asked.

"Do you have trouble getting girls' attention?" Naruto asked, opening his sales pitch. "Are you constantly ignored by pretty ladies who only have eyes for the dark, broody types? Are you sick of seeing every girl you're interested in turn into a screaming, brain dead fangirl every time Sasuke Uchiha grunts, broods, or gripes about how unfair his life is? Then have I got some great news for you."

888

Meanwhile, all over the village, the Sasuke fangirls felt their Sasuke Sense tingle. The tingling was telling them that someone was daring to mock and insult their dear, precious Sasuke-kun, and that person needed to be thrashed and slaughtered in the most brutal and disturbing way possible. This...heretic, who dared to speak blasphemy against the perfection that was Sasuke Uchiha deserved to receive a torture that would have its perpetrator executed for crimes against humanity. With Ino, the co-head of the We-Want-to-Have-Sasuke's-Babies fanclub at the helm, the horde of fangirls set out to find he who was begging for death.

Ironically enough, there was one fangirl who didn't bother joining the horde. This fangirl, one who was becoming slightly disillusioned with Sasuke's supposed greatness, had a very good reason for not answering the call to avenge Sasuke-kun; one that Sasuke actually didn't factor into. Having been on the same team with a certain Genin, and having been exposed to this particular feeling of Sasuke mockery and insultation (5), she knew who was responsible for it.

She also knew that there was absolutely nothing that could be done about it. Not only was Naruto capable of creating his own horde, he was capable of matching each member of their horde with one of his own. It was also a simple fact that there wasn't a single member of their club who could match up against one of Naruto's clones, even with Rightious Feminine Indignation on Behalf of Sasuke on their side...although when she thought about it, that was probably an extra notch in his favor.

Besides, even if they did somehow overwhelm him, he would just escape. He always escaped. And he always did it in a way that mocked and insulted your fangirldom even further. The sad part, was that much like herself the first month of being on his team, most of them would never even realize it; and for the ones that did, it would be far to late to save face. No, Sakura was going to ignore the call, and continue practicing her Waterfall Walking while waiting on her chronically tardy sensei and teammate to show.

888

"After some extensive research, I've found the formula that the broody bastard uses to entice Konoha's female population." Naruto exclaimed. "If you want to make young girls from Konoha swoon, you will need a few things. You need to be dark, mysterious, and broody. You also have to be girlishly handsome, be from a note-worthy clan, have hair that's shaped like a duck's ass, and treat them like crap. Now you may be asking yourself, Uzumaki-san, how can I possibly acquire all of those things? Well, look no further.

For a limited time, you too can get the girls' attention with your very own Sasuke Uchiha kit. Inside, you'll find your very own asshat wig, as well as grooming tips to enhance your handsome- or improve your lack thereof. Each kit also comes with a guide book on how to be emo and treat the few people who like you like scum. Specific chapters detailing the best dark, broody, and mysterious techniques I hear were written by Uchiha-san himself. Finally, each kit comes with your own personal clan, clan history, and tragic tale of clan extermination. So step right up, and purchase your Sasuke Uchiha kit, and you can me making the girls swoon in no time."

888

About an hour before he would have to leave to meet his team, Naruto found his stand visited by a familiar face.

"Hey Tenten, see anything that catches your eye?" He asked.

"Aside from a great prank, not yet." She said, smirking. "I have to admit, these bloodlines, clans, and histories are all very in depth; one might think these clans actually existed. Too bad these are fake, cuz a few of these would be really useful. Just curious, what are you planning on doing with the money you make from this."

"I'm donating it to the orphanage we grew up in." Naruto replied, watching her look through some of the supplementary bloodlines. "And yes, I do remember seeing you there, though I remember you got adopted really quickly after you arrived."

"Hmm, I think I'll get one, just to support the cause." She said. She remembered the slightly underfunded home for orphaned children. She'd been there for a few weeks after her grandmother- who had raised her after her parents, aunt, uncle, and grandpa were killed in the Kyuubi attack- had died.

"May I recommend a good one for you?" Naruto asked, to which she shrugged. "Haku considers you a friend, and I just wouldn't feel right letting you take that clan you were looking at."

"Why not?" She asked.

"Well, their extinction was similar to the Uchiha, only it was entirely accidental, and extremely embarrassing." Tenten raised a cute eyebrow. "Let's just say there was an allergy, and noxious gas was involved."

Naruto left the girl- who was currently rolling on the ground, clutching her sides, and laughing hysterically- and headed over to the doujutsu section, Naruto gave it a quick once over, before selecting the box he was looking for, and handing it to her.

Taking the box, Tenten looked at the family and bloodline Naruto thought she might find to her liking.

_The Satoshi were a small clan that made its home near the Eastern borders of Fire Country. They were hailed as the greatest marksmen of the age, and were frequently sought by potential allies, but most often enemies. The clan was allied with the Uzumaki Clan early on during the warring clans era, and were soon blanketed by the protection of the fuinjutsu masters. The problem, however, was that due to the Uzumaki clan's station in Whirlpool country, they were still susceptable to attacks by stronger clans, in particular a bloodthirsty clan of cultists from the Hot Springs Country._

_Unable to provide the constant protection the Satoshi needed, the Uzumaki Clan called upon another clan with whom they were allied with: the Senju of the Forests. Before long, the Satoshi clan were allied with the Senju, and were frequently found alongside them in battle. The Satoshi would be the first clan to join the Senju coalition that approached the Uchiha to join and form Konoha. By the time the village was founded, the Satoshi and Senju would be joined by the Inuzuka, the Hyuuga, and finally the Uchiha._

_Even as one of the founding clans of Konoha, they were still considered a minor clan due to their small size, and their status as being protected by the Senju. The clan, however, was still one of great prestige, highly prized by the Shodai and Nidaime Hokages for their loyalty and being such a great asset in battle. Unfortunately, the numerous Great Wars and their love and devotion for their village was highly detrimental to the clan and its numbers, never allowing them to surpass more than a couple dozen._

_The clan met a tragic end when the Kyuubi was unleashed upon the village by Madara Uchiha during his second attempt to destroy Konoha, and the legacy of the Senju. Nearly the entire clan was wiped out in a single night trying to help defend their village from the rampaging fox. The Clanhead's mother was left behind with the young heiress of the clan, while he and the others went off to battle. Sadly, none of them would return. The young heiress was raised by her grandmother for five years, until she too passed on suddenly. And just like the poor vessel of the Kyuubi, she would be orphaned, never knowing of the great legacy she'd been left._

Tenten couldn't help the look of shock on her face. This clan's history was rather interesting, and the story of the heiress was entirely too familiar. As a matter of fact, if she didn't know that this was a fake clan, she would swear that she was the heiress written about on the box, and that she had a legacy she was unaware of. Shaking her head of those thoughts, she continued reading, curious what kind of bloodline they held.

_The thing that made the Satoshi clan such great marksmen/women, was their doujutsu: an ability many enemies called the Bulls Eye. When activated, the eyes of the Satoshi take on an image resembling a target, but only from level two on. This is a bloodline that could be an incredible weapon, but keep in mind, that regardless of how powerful this bloodline is, it's not all powerful. A ninja that can sense the projectiles coming can block them (i.e. some High level Chuunin, most Jounin, Kage, S-ranks), although it does give one a greater chance of success the greater their own level of ability._

_The levels of the bloodline are as follows:_

_Level one- Perfect Local Aim. If you can see it, and it's stationary, you can hit it anywhere you choose._

_Tenten grinned. This was pretty much her current ability with damn near anything throwable to always hit dead center unless impeded- and she was greatful for Haku's help now that she could finally add senbon to the lest. So according to this, she'd already unlocked the first level of her bloodline. Sweet._

_Level two- Zoom Feature. Like the Byakugan, the eyes can zoom in and then lock onto and hit a target from half a mile away without interference (meaning trees, etc. aren't in the way of sight). Said target can be hit with perfect accuracy so long as you can throw the projectile that far._

Tenten's eyes widened with that. That was a dead useful ability, and she found herself wishing even more that this bloodline was real, and that she had it. As a matter of fact, it seemed like the more she read, the more she wished she had it.

_Level three- Perfect Local Trajectory. A Sharingan like ability is added at level three. It gains the ability to near instantly analyze the surrounding area, and calculate the perfect angles and trajectory needed to hit a target, as well as calculate needed trajectories to ricochet projectiles to hit a hidden target. If it is in an area nearby, you can hit it if you know where they are. Unfortunately, until the you have mastered the bloodline, this cannot be used in conjunction with the zoom feature._

_Mastery- Mastery of this bloodline gives the user all of the abilityes of level three, combined with the added zoom from level two. If it is within your field of vision (including zoom), you can hit it if you know where it is, hidden or not._

By the time she finished reading the details of the bloodline, she would find herself amazed and annoyed. Amazed at such an amazing bloodline that seemed to be tailor made for her. Annoyed at the fact that said bloodline didn't exist.

As he watched her read the box in near shock, Naruto felt a little nudge in the back of his mind. '_What's up, NB?_'

"Just so you know, I plan on giving her that bloodline." He said. "When I created that bloodline, I'll admit that I had her in mind. Besides, since you modeled the clan's extermination after her early life, I think it's kind of fitting that she belong to it."

'_Well, I can't say that I'm not happy for her._' Naruto thought. '_And I can admit that I was wishing I'd used my change for her to have this bloodline._' He was broken from his thoughts when Tenten got his attention.

"I'll take it." She said, handing him the money for the clan. "And I see why you said this would be the perfect clan for me. Plus it's even cooler, because this clan symbol is extra kickass."

"I'll admit, that particular bloodline was created with your exceptional aim in mind." Naruto said. "Plus, it would be so awesome if that bloodline was real, and you were that heiress."

Almost as soon as Tenten walked away, Naruto felt a disturbance in the force. '_Uh oh, the Sasuke fangirl horde is coming._'

"NARUTO!" Ino yelled, upon seeing the stand, and who was responsible for the blasphemy against Sasuke-kun.

"Ah, Ino, and I see you brought your horde." Naruto teased, as they stalked closer to him.

Suddenly, the ringleader cried out. "Throttle the Dobe, and tear this abomination to the ground!"

The horde of Sasuke fangirls gave a loud cheer, and as one prepared to launch themselves bodily into their endeavor. That launch was halted when Naruto pulled a tag from his pocket, and channeled chakra into it. This prompted all of the girls who'd attended the shinobi academy to both freeze, and grab ahold of the closest two girls to them to stall their movement as well.

"Now Naruto, don't do anything crazy." Ino said. "You know what will happen if you set that off in the middle of the market."

A sinister grin on his face, Naruto slapped the tag face down onto the stand, causing the girls to all scream and duck for cover. Unfortunately for the soon to be embarrassed girls, the only thing that happened was that the stand disappeared. Seeing that it was a false alarm, and that they'd been had, Ino's face turned red in embarrassment and rage.

"Naruto, you are so going to get it." Ino growled as the horde prepared to attack.

"Actually, I'm not." Naruto said, his hands in the seal for Shunshin. "See ya."

And then he was gone...sort of. Instead of leaving the area altogether, Naruto transported himself to the top of a nearby building to watch the fangirl battle royale that was about to take place. Now you may find yourself asking why there was about to be a Sasuke fangirl battle royale. Well, that would be because of what Naruto left behind when he Shunshined away. Sprinkling down on the horde of about fifty were about a dozen and a half Sasuke plushies. Naruto spent an enjoyable twenty minutes watching as the girls fought and scraped to snag one of the plushies. Naruto had to admit he was impressed with that tiny waif of a civilian who'd decked both Ami and Ino to get her hands on one.

As much as he wanted to see how the 'Battle for the Sasuke Plushies' would end, Naruto eventually had to go. After standing and brushing himself off, Naruto made the familiar seal, and disappeared.

888

Seven minutes later, Naruto joined his team in a hail of popcorn kernals. And as had become custom, Sakura just had to ask.

"So what's your excuse this time?" Funny how she'd long since stopped reminding he and Kakashi that they were late.

"I got distracted by the fangirl Battle Royale in the market district." Sakura rolled her eyes. Having sensed the horde formation earlier, she was fairly certain he wasn't lying, and she was also fairly certain that he was the cause of it. Handing Sakura a Sasuke plushie, he added. "They were fighting over these, and I managed to grab one for you, Sakura."

Before anyone could comment any further, a very amused Haku arrived. "I'm not late, am I?" It was plainly obvious that she was trying to supress an extreme amount of mirth.

"No, you're not, but I'm not sure why you're here." Kakashi admitted.

"Oh, Naruto-sama asked me if I'd teach him one handed sealing." Haku said. "Since I had the day off, and Naruto-sama said that you don't really do much aside from individual excercises on Thursdays, I figured I'd join you for training to teach him, rather than waiting until afterward."

And so, the training began. Sasuke had been incredibly put out when Haku had insisted that her skill was one she'd decided to keep in the family. He'd taken to sulking, and trying to sneak and steal Naruto's lesson with his Sharingan, but when Naruto had threatened to seal it off permanently, he'd left them alone- although that whole glaring at them for a half hour thing was kind of creepy.

Both to Naruto's delight and horror, one handed sealing was both incredibly simple, yet indescribably hard. Learning the seals had been no problem at all, and he'd picked them up rather quickly. The hard part came with incorporating them, and actually using them. She started him out with trying to perform them quickly, in random orders, without messing up, but even that was coming with a bit more difficulty. Still, he was determined, and just before they paused for lunch, Naruto was able to perform them flawlessly...albeit, incredibly slowly.

After lunch, Naruto created a hundred Kage Bunshin, and set them to working on the one handed seals. They would soon join the daily cabre of clones Naruto already had working on the Uzumaki family style, and Frog Kata. The latter trying to get used to using regular chakra to strengthen his blows for the time being rather than risk attempting Sage Mode without Fukasaku and his beat a bitch stick. This would bring his total up to five hundred, the other two hundred were working on mastering the nonRasengan jutsu he'd been forced to relearn, as well as a special fuinjutsu project he'd been tinkering with in his last life before his untimely demise.

The telltale spike of chakra that announced a Shunshin arriving- a trick that Kakashi had taught his team- captured the full attention of Team 7 plus Haku as the group was about to head to the mission office. There wasn't any real reason for Haku to join them, though, as it wasn't like she could really help with the mission because of some bullshit rule that most shinobi thought was bogus. I mean really, if someone was bored enough that they'd offer their help for zero compensation, why shouldn't they be allowed to help, right?

Anyway, back to the main point, the signs of an arriving Shunshin gathering the quintets attention. When the individual arrived, however, well, let's just say none of them were expecting what they saw. Zabuza, still in the forced Oiroke had just arrived, but it was what he was wearing- or rather what he wasn't- that got their full attention. Standing before them, stood Zabuza Momochi- provocative pose and all- in nothing more than what amounted to kunoichi bra and panties (6). But that wasn't all.

Smokey, bedroom eyes stared back at them from enchanting amber irises, beneath long, full lashes. Zabuza's customary face wrappings were loosened enough to allow full, pouty lips- parted slightly as if moaning- to show beneath. The bindings around her chest- which most kunoichi used for support in place of bras, were just barely enough to cover a one inch expanse around her nipples. This left a sizable amount of upper and lower breast cleavage, on her D-cups. Below her waist, she was clad only in a pair of panties that looked to be little more than wrappings themselves.

To finish off the image, she was bent at the waist to give Naruto a full, clear view of her top boob cleavage, with her left hand perched on her left cheek giving it a squeeze. And if that wasn't enough the rather beautiful woman just had to take it one step further.

"Hello, Naruto-sama." Zabuza crooned, blowing him a kiss. Unfortunately for Zabuza's attempt at a prank, all it really elicited from the blond was a disturbed twitch of the eye. In fact, all it served to do was seriously tempt Naruto into make it permanent, and let the bastard live his life as a hot woman getting hit on by countless perverts.

The reactions from the others, though, were a bit more amusing.

"What the FUCK!" Sasuke exclaimed, his eyes wide, and mouth hanging open in shock, looking at the disturbingly hot man/woman.

He'd known that jutsu could make Naruto turn into a hot woman, but he'd never known it could do that to another person. He'd always thought that jutsu was specific to gender and inanimate objects with the exception of Naruto, since the Dobe wasn't normal to begin with. This, however, this significantly changed things. Naruto could actually turn other men into hot women as well, and that was a dangerous power. Maybe even one he could use against Itachi.

Kakashi's single visible eye was wide with shock, and some awe. Now, while he'd managed to avoid a rather embarrassing projectile nosebleed- which was especially good for his psyche since he knew that Zabuza was a man- it didn't stop him from reacting to seeing an extremely sexy woman in shinobi lingerie. Unfortunately, he did suffer a very severe nosebleed through his mask that left it stained.

"Okaasan, why that pose?" The other genderbended person in attendance asked, finally finding her voice. Haku was horrified at what she was seeing, but not for the reason one would think.

You see, Haku was suddenly suffering from what I call 'Child of MILF' Syndrome. This was a state of extreme embarrassment, that bordered on traumatized horror, when the son or daughter of an omega MILF, experienced when said parent's hotness was showed of in a blatant, and sometimes almost explicit, way to their peers- and in the worse case scenarios for daughters, their significant others. In a related note, Naruto would be banned from ever using this jutsu in this way on members of her or Hinata's families. They would eventually allow a one time exception for Neji for curiosities sake, but after that, never again.

While Sakura's face was a very deep red, and there was a tad bit of blood dripping from her nose- the implications of her reaction to the sexy woman would later have her sobbing in her bed with a tub of ice-cream as she tried to come to grips with these questionable feelings- Sakura took the events almost as well as Naruto did. Turning to her blond teammate, she drolled.

"This is your fault somehow, I just know it."

"Naruto, what happened here?" Kakashi asked, finally recovering. "I'm pretty sure that Zabuza was a man the last time I checked."

'_So was I when I first met him,_' Haku thought. '_-but that didn't stop him from making me a woman, and dragging me into his harem. Can't exactly say I'm too broken up about that, although I'm really hoping he doesn't make a habit of this._'

In an interesting twist, it just so happened that Naruto was facing Sasuke when he replied. "He annoyed me, so I temporarily turned him into a woman. This is what happens to people who annoy me. The next time he pisses me of, it'll be permanant."

It was at this point in his life, that Sasuke had an epiphany, and finally saw the bigger picture. Maybe taunting Naruto, and carrying on like he had really was a bad idea. If he ended up getting on the wrong side of his teammate, there was a good chance that he'd never be able to acheive his ambitions. Sure, he'd be able to kill Itachi and rebuild his clan regardless of the results of earning Naruto's ire; but not only would the former be more difficult, the fact was he was straight. If Naruto turned him into a woman, the Uchiha clan would likely die, because Sasuke didn't think he had it in him to screw a dude, get pregnant, or give birth.

888

While this was happeneing, Hinata- who had been excused from team stuff that day due to clan obligations- was being visited by her father.

"Go to the meeting room, and wait for me. It is time for me to assemble the elders, and for you to explain to us all why you feel your relationship with Naruto has been validated."

"Hai, father." She said.

Ten minutes later found Hinata kneeling on a cushion, facing her father and the Hyuuga Clan Elders. Fixing her with an expectant look, Hiashi spoke.

"Before we begin with our normal business, Hinata has asked a moment to speak to us assembled leaders, because she has become aware of some new information." He said. "Information that she claims will validate her relationship to Naruto in the eyes of the clan. Speak."

"It is really quite simple, father, honored elders." Hinata replied, shocking the old bitties with her lack of stutter. "Our clan claims to be the epitome of traditional."

"That is no mere claim, child." A man with more wrinkles than skin said from near the end of the long table.

"My apologies." She replied. "As a traditional clan, we tend to follow the traditional relations between men and women, one of the reasons why neither Hanabi or myself have ever been considered proper heirs to the title of Clan Head."

"Get to the point, please, Hinata." A stern looking woman interrupted with an uncharacteristic smile. "We don't have as long on this earth as you still do."

Never let it be said that the Hyuuga didn't have a sense of humor, dry as it may be to most others.

"Yes ma'am, I shall." Hinata agreed. "My validation comes by way of the ancient art of Shibari." Hinata withheld a smile at the nervous looks forming on the elders' faces. "

An art that is the epitome of tradition, one that could be argued is even more traditional than the Hyuuga. Traditional as we are, we as a clan used to frequently practice this art until great-grandfather's scandal."

"And what does this have to do with your..._relationship_...with Uzumaki?" Another old geezer asked, not wanting to relive that rather embarrassing time.

"Who is Naruto-kun?" She asked.

"He is-" Hinata coughed.

"Forgive me for the misunderstanding. What is Naruto-kun?" She pressed. "And as for the law, I already know the secret."

"He's is the jinchuuriki for the Kyuubi. What has that to-" Hiashi's eyes widened. "Oh...! Oh my...!" He muttered.

"I see you understand, father." Hinata said. "For those that haven't figured it out, Naruto-_sama_ is the Kyuubi's vessel, meaning that he has the Kyuubi sealed into him. _Bound_ within him."

It was at this point that many of the elders' eyes widened in realization as well. Hinata's eyes narrowed as the lone kunoichi in the group gave a loud sniffle. The reason for the narrowed eyes, the young woman had noticed the small drop of red liquid that had nearly escaped the woman's nose, before being pulled back in. Deciding to ignore that for now- though she would be keeping an eye on the old maid- Hinata prepared to give her closing argument.

"Naruto-sama has the single most powerful entity in the world bound helplessly within his body. Bound partially by his seal, but mostly by his will. He is the ultimate embodiment of the shibari tradition. The heroic sacrifice, bound by duty, bound by Yondaime-sama, and holding the 'great evil' at bay despite the odds. Naruto-sama has had my love for three years, and just by the very nature of his curse, has more than earned the right to my hand (7)." Hinata finished, passionately.

"Very well, Hinata." Hiashi said. "You have my full blessing."

All but one of the elders followed suit, giving her their blessings and well wishes. That particular elder, whose mother had been involved in the Hyuuga Shibari scandal, vehemently denied her the blessing. He, of course, was ignored, and ended up sleeping on the very uncomfortable couch for weeks when his wife heard the news. An hour later, after the meeting, Hiashi found Hinata in the garden and addressed his eldest.

"Hinata, I know that I don't say this nearly enough, but I am proud of you." He of course got a great deal of amusement from Hinata fainting at that news.

Still, he understood the action. He'd been very harsh with both his daughters, never showing them even half the affection he should have- whether he felt it or not. It had been Hizashi that had convinced him to soften his heart towards at the very least his children- though he did admit that he was long past the point where he should have hardened his own for Neji, and disciplined him- and his younger brother had proved correct. It would seem he'd need to start listening to his brother more often, at least in the area of raising his children.

88888888

Over the next month, things really started looking good for Naruto. He didn't know what Hinata had said to her father- or the elders for that matter- but they were now actively supporting, and even encouraging their relationship. Not only that, but he was even being allowed to visit Hinata at the compound on occassion. He and Haku had been very thankful for that when Hinata had caught a small bug, and couldn't leave her room.

As a result, the three had been spending a lot more of their free time together, both training and doing couple stuff for three. They'd gotten close enough now that they were openly sharing kisses on the cheek, and even chaste kisses on the lips in private. They were still taking things slowly, but they were now fairly certain that this love triangle of theirs would work. They'd even made an almost miraculous breakthrough with Hinata. While she still lit up like a red beacon, she no longer fainted when Naruto showed or expressed affection for her- physically or verbally. Naruto had to admit it was kind of ironic that she could kiss him with no problem, but she'd fainted whenever Naruto initiated that contact.

Still, there were some unfinished dealings involving his family that he needed to settle. He knew for certain that they'd make things easier when confronting Jiraiya, and he wouldn't have to go through that whole Oiroke thing.

"Jiji, we need to talk." Naruto said, bursting into the Hokage's office one day. "And unless you want your Anbu to know about the other S-rank secret that involves me, you might want to tell them to take a hike."

Hiruzen Sarutobi stared at the boy for several long moments. Had he actually figured out who his parents were? If Naruto had, and he denied it, what would it do to their relationsip. He would have to play this very carefully. But first, Naruto was correct in that this wasn't a secret he could afford to have overheard by anyone else. With but a gesture, the four ninja hidden in the room vacated. One each to outside of the two windows, and the other two to guard the door- from the outside of course.

Once they were gone, Sarutobi stood, and headed over to the wall where the past Hokages' portraits hang. Lifting the one that held his sensei's picture, he channeled chakra into his other hand, and pressed it against the invisible seal beneath it. From that single seal, others began spreading along the wall until the entire thing was covered in glowing seals. After a few moments, the seals went dark, but did nothing further.

"There, not what was it that you wished to speak about?" Sarutobi asked. "And if it's what I think it is, am I going to need my special tobacco?"

"In answer to your second question, it depends on how much of the truth you're willing to divulge." Naruto said. "And this is about my parents. To be perfectly frank, is the Yondaime my father?"

Sarutobi sighed loudly. It was indeed what he feared, and he was definitely going to need his special tobacco. "Now, before I answer your question, may I ask where you heard that?"

"Well, it just so happens that when a certain kitsune gets plastered, he gets really chatty." Naruto said. "Started reminiscing about when my mother was his vessel, and how much he preferred her; even if she was spending far more time than was natural getting boinked by Minato Namikaze after they got married."

Whatever the Hokage had been expecting, that wasn't it. Deciding to ignore the fact that Naruto was communicating with the Kyuubi, as well as the whole Kushina boinking Minato part- since Naruto was the obvious evidence that she'd done so- he asked the pertinent question in that stream of consciousness that had exited Naruto's mouth.

"Naruto, just how did the fox get plastered?" Naruto had the good grace to blush in embarrassment.

"You remember all of that alcohol that was drinking when I first came back?" Sarutobi nodded. "While it was to help suppress a very bad memory, it wasn't the memory Kakashi-sensei thought is was, nor was it to help me suppress the memory. And no, jiji, I'm not going to talk about it."

"Fair enough." He said. After all, he had memories that he'd rather not remember as well. Such as the one time he'd stumbled upon Jiraiya and Minato tied to chairs while Koharu gave Kushina a rather in depth lesson in pleasuring ones partner orally. "Continue."

"Right, so I snuck into the records office to do some research on Kushina Uzumaki afterwards, you know, since Minato's would have been classified to all hell." Sarutobi smiled, knowing it was the truth. "Well, I found proof that the fox wasn't lying, for once."

Sarutobi was shocked at what Naruto had just said, as he was sure those records had either been destroyed, or buried in so much red tape that you had to be both Naruto and the Hokage to see them. Those files had only been kept so that Naruto could someday learn the truth of his heritage, but if security was this lax, then maybe it would be best to tell him the truth, and have everything Naruto didn't want to keep destroyed. Preparing for a very long discussion, Sarutobi spoke.

"In answer to your initial question," He started. "Yes, Minato Namikaze, the Yondaime Hokage, is your father."

"Cool," Naruto said, eyes squinted from the size of his smile. "Although, it makes me wonder how people haven't figured it out. Considering how much we look alike, and all."

"Honestly, I think people just don't want to see it." Sarutobi said. "Now, since you know this secret, there are other things that we need to discuss as well. The first of which is the reason for the secrecy."

Naruto was there until well after dark, as the two talked.

888

It was also during this month- a few days after his talk with the Hokage, in fact- that Kakashi discovered one of the special projects Naruto had been working on. As it was, he found the blond in a training ground talking to a shinobi who he didn't recognize. Deciding that this was a much more important question than what they were working on, Kakashi began his inquisition.

"Whose your friend, Naruto?" Kakashi asked, making his way towards his student and the nondescript Chuunin.

"Oh, this is Dudeguy McGuy." Naruto said. "He came highly recommended for the project I'm working on."

"And what is this project?" Kakashi asked, fearfully. That incident with Kouga-san had given him a healthy dose of fear in regards to his student's plotting of special projects.

"Well, you know how Itachi does that cool turning into ravens thing when he Shunshins away?" Naruto asked. "Dudeguy is helping me reverse engineer the jutsu so that I can turn into something cooler."

"So far though, all we've managed is pigeons." The man spoke. Kakashi blinked in surprise. Whoever this guy was, he sounded like that All State guy with the deep voice (8).

"Luckily they disappear after thirty seconds, or we'd be in a whole lot of trouble." Naruto added.

"I...you...never mind." Kakashi finally said. "Just make sure you're at the Hokage Tower by nine for a mission tomorrow. And I do mean nine."

888

A few days later, in the dead of night- after casing the place as thoroughly as he possibly could- Naruto snuck into the Anbu Headquarters, and raided the storage area. Not wanting to risk short-changing the villages elite when they might need it the most, Naruto hit up the section where the old anbu gear and weapons are discarded to be taken for repairs or melted down if they couldn't be fixed.

Naruto had found that getting weapons repaired was a lot cheaper than getting them new, and the specially crafted Anbu weapons were always in much better shape than the crap he'd found in the training grounds when he was young and poor. Interestingly enough, he'd learned from Jiraiya that most orphans got their equipment from training grounds, getting things repaired instead of buying new. Things like that would have been nice to know his first time around.

Once he'd gotten back after training with the Sage, and upon learning that he could do so without getting caught, Naruto had started raiding the old warehouse for supplies, and smuggling the damaged weapons. Funny enough, the one time that he'd been caught- by Anko of all people- his captor had ended up not only letting him keep his wares, but had also started doing the same. She'd even float him a few things she thought he might find interesting once a week.

Tonight, he was on the hunt for some kunai. But he wasn't looking for normal kunai, though. No he was looking for special kunai, for a certain specific kind of kunai. What he was searching for, were kunai that could be embued with elemental chakra. Not to be confused with kunai that could channel chakra, no these were extra special. Chakra channeling weapons, like Sasuke's Kusanagi could channel chakra, making their strikes more deadly in one form or another. The main flaw though, was that once they left your hand, the chakra flow stopped.

What he wanted was kunai like what Asuma's knives were made from. These would hold the chakra channeled into them- no matter what- until the chakra ran its course through them. Not only that, but with these types you weren't limited in the type of chakra you could use. The other kind could only channel normal or elemental chakra. Asuma's knives could channel both of those, as well as alternative chakra's like the kind the Nara used, and even Biju chakra with a few reinforcement seals.

As he was passing a stack of chest plates for the Anbu armor, Naruto paused in his search. Now that he thought about it, maybe taking some of that armor was a good idea too. It would certainly be useful for his fight against Neji, and getting it early would allow plenty of time to get it repaired, and to add some fun additions to it. Sealing a couple, he returned to his search. Eventually he found what he was looking for, but only after finding something for both his girls, and even his teammate Sakura.

His shopping list complete, Naruto stole away into the night, and headed back to his apartment.

88888888

One afternoon after their team meeting had broken up found Sakura staring and frowning at the back of her blond haired teammate. Somewhere along the line, Naruto had become a part of her life that she'd grown to reluctantly enjoy, and being his friend had become an important title to her. Recent events though, had started her to thinking that she was going to lose that title...if she hadn't already.

Ever since the Hokage had declared that Naruto could legally marry Hinata and Haku, he'd been leaving just as quickly some days as the other two. If it weren't for the fact that he talked with her and was friendly during team meetings, she would have suspected that he disliked her. Sakura knew she needed to talk with Naruto, but what about she didn't know.

"Hey, Naruto?" She called, getting his attention. "Would you like to hang out for a bit?"

Shocked, Naruto took a few moments to answer. When he did, he gave an embarrassed chuckle, while sheepishly scratching the back of his head.

"Ne, sorry Sakura-chan, but I can't. I'm supposed to be meeting Hinata and Haku. We're going to do some light training, and then just spend some time together. We haven't really had a chance to this week."

Sakura began to growl a little at being rejected, but stopped when she realized what she was doing. She didn't begrudge Naruto spending time with his girlfriends. How could she? Heck, if it wasn't for the fact that she didn't really have anyone to talk to, or hang out with, she wouldn't even be so bothered by it. No, the biggest problem was that she was forced to deal with a condition she hadn't experienced since early in the Academy.

She was lonely. Her only other real friend was Ino, who she didn't talk to as much anymore because of their rivalry.

And the worse part of it all, without her obsession with Sasuke to block everything else out, she was really starting to feel his absenses more. It was kind of ironic in a way. Sixth months ago, she would have cherished this opportunity to be devoid of the blond. Now, she liked when they were together doing team stuff, and dare she say it, she kind of missed the attention he used to give her. He was a friend that Sakura knew she could count on, and she did like Naruto, platonically at least.

Still, she was looking at another day of bored loneliness, and that was something that she really didn't enjoy.

'_Maybe if I ask, Naruto'll let me hang out with them._' Sakura thought.

"Hey Naruto, you think that maybe I could join you guys? You keep telling me that I need to put more effort in to training, right?"

"Well, I guess Hinata and Haku wouldn't mind you joining for that." Naruto admitted. "But it might get really awkward if you stuck around for the stuff after the training."

Two hours later, Sakura could be found heading home with a smile. Haku and Hinata had both extended invitations to join them in training, and the elder kunoichi had even told her that she had potential. Her natural control would really be a great asset for several different specialized shinobi branches if she bulked her reserves up a bit. She was however fearful of the sadistic grin that Naruto had given her when he said he knew a few...'fun' exercises that would definitely help her with that.

888

"Are you sure we're ready to enter the Chuunin Exams, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked.

While he'd been preparing for this for months, and almost looking forward to this day, it was still something that he was apprehensive about. So many things hinged on the outcome of these exams, they were also the jump off catalysts for many of the things that would happen later. Naruto did find himself a little shocked that they were having this meeting three days before the exams, instead of the day before.

"I believe that you're ready for this." Kakashi said. '_And if you're not, we'll have an accurate gauge of where the three of you really are._'

"Then it's Sakura's decision." Naruto said firmly.

"What?! Why?" Sasuke predictably exclaimed.

'_Because the team is only as strong as its weakest member, and our teamwork still sucks enough that individual performances could make or break us._' Naruto thought.

"Because both of us are stubborn enough to do it even if we aren't ready. Sakura's the most level headed of us- most of the time, anyway- so she'd be a better gauge of if we are. Oh, and Sasuke, no pressuring her to feed your ego."

"Naruto-" He started with a growl.

"Just listen for once, teme." Naruto replied. "If she thinks we should wait, then we wait. We then spend the next sixth months working our asses off. We'll definitely be ready by then, and the extra training will make the exams that much less difficult."

"Fine, but I know I'm ready." Sasuke said.

When Kakashi left fifteen minutes later to report his nominations to the Hokage, after giving them some basic instructions for the exam, Naruto was left with his female teammate when Sasuke left without even a word. Sure, he'd stopped antagonizing Naruto- much to the blond's shock, which meant that he'd had to stop as well- but he wasn't any more friendly towards them.

"Well, looks like its just you and I today, Sakura-chan." Sakura wouldn't admit it, but she was quite happy that Naruto was using the affectionate suffix again. "Hinata's got team stuff, and Haku's going to be working...late."

It was at that moment that Naruto spotted something that really was a sad sight. Turning, Sakura found what Naruto was looking at, and rolled her eyes.

"You're kidding me, right." She deadpanned quietly. "What is that?"

"Three rugrats that I accidentally adopted as minions." Naruto replied, before addressing the oddly shaped object. "Really guys, a square rock? It's like you're not even trying."

A few moments later, after a most dazzling display and introduction, Naruto rubbed his chin in thought.

"Hmm, I'll give you a six." He answered to the expectant looking chibis.

"A six, that was an eight easy." Konohamaru complained.

"True, but I had to take points off for the 'square rock." Naruto replied.

"I told you rocks weren't square, Ko-kun." Moegi said, crossing her arms, and pouting.

Sakura could only watch the spectacle in sheer shock. She'd thought she'd known her teammate, but again, another layer of the oddball was revealed. It was about this time that one of the trio of pre-schoolers finally noticed her off to the side.

"Hey, niisan, whose that?" Moegi asked, bringing her to Konohamaru's attention, whose eyes widened.

"Hey boss, is she your girlfriend too." He asked excitedly. Naruto couldn't understand why the three kids were so obsessed with his lovelife. Konohamaru thought he was the greatest thing ever, Moegi had mooned over how romantic it was- which had raised some questions about her that Naruto decided he didn't want answers to- and Udon...well, Udon hadn't said anything, but the kid was odder than Lee and Gai.

"No," Naruto replied. "My only girlfriends are Hinata and Haku. Sakura likes Sasuke."

The three kids looked confused for a moment before Konohamaru blurted. "The guy with the duck butt hair? Isn't he gay?" Naruto was certainly surprised when Sakura didn't react, and only seemed to sigh in frustration.

Yes, she'd heard all about Sasuke's exclamation of wanting Naruto's huge cock. While she'd been willing to give him the benefit of doubt, it had gone a long way in ruining her image of him. Not to mention, given the number of witnesses, only the most rabid of fangirls were dumb enough to defend him. These girls still clamoring to be with him had little to no self-respect, and no one else in the village respected them either. As it was, her original desire to be Mrs. Uchiha had been reduced to a mere crush on a cute boy.

"Anyway, you promised to play ninja with us, oyabun." Kon-chan said. "We've been waiting all week."

"Fine, fine, we'll play." Naruto said. "Sorry Sakura, but I did promise them. You can join us if you want, but I'm not sure how much you'll get out of it."

Surprisingly, the pinkette did enjoy herself...at least until the accident.

An hour later, and Naruto wasn't exactly sure how they'd gone from playing ninja to running from that Yakitori vendor- okay so he knew exactly how it happened, he was just going to ignore the circumstances- but this whole running from an angry woman theme seemed awfully familiar. Ah, that's right, he'd forgotten about the chase that had resulted in meeting Gaara. And unless he was mistaken, Konohamaru was going to run into the reject Kabuki in three, two...

"Oww, that hurt." A voice growled. "That hurt you little piece of shit."

Naruto rounded the corner to find Konohamaru had been picked up by his collar. Just as before, Temari had tried to convince him not to do something that would get them into trouble. Unlike before, he wasn't going to let Sasuke steal his thunder. These were his gakis, and he'd be the one to protect them from the perverted make-up boy.

"Put the mini down before you make a big mistake." Naruto said, slightly amused, but not showing it in his tone. Still, he had to be somewhat serious. Kankurou was an arrogant bastard, but he was one of the better Genin in the exams. His biggest exploitable weakness, however, was his sometimes overestimating belief in his abilities. This was what gave ninja just as good as himself an advantage over him.

"What if I don't feel like it?" Kankurou shot back with as much bravado as Kiba was prone to, though he was quite a bit more capable of backing it up than Kiba was too.

"Then I'll show you what it feels like to be on the receiving end of bully tactics."

Kankurou made a sound of disbelief before drawing back for a punch. At that moment two things happened almost simultaneously. First, a rock crashed into his hand, forcing him to drop Konohamaru, and also providing a distraction. Next the blond disappeared in a blur, reappeared behind the cat suit wearing nin, grabbed the back of his suit at the waist, and yanked up...hard...separating the Suna nin's feet from the ground by about ten centimeters. Naruto then let the boy fall to the ground, with tears of anguish in his eyes.

"Atomic Wedgie." Naruto said. "Maybe next time you'll think twice before picking on little kids." There was a sudden swirl of sand, and a red head appeared.

"Who are you?" Gaara asked. Sasuke had joined the group, and as he was standing next to Naruto, figured the redhead was obviously addressing him.

"My name is Sasu-"

"I don't care who you are." Gaara said, causing the Uchiha to frown, and miss the blonde kunoichi giving him an appraising eye. Focusing on Naruto, he asked again. "Who are you?"

"Me? I'm Naruto Uzumaki." Naruto replied grinning.

"Sabaku no Gaara. I look forward to killing you." To everyone's shock, Naruto didn't even react to the threat against his life. What was more- much to the shocked horror of Gaara's siblings- was that he seemed almost amused by it.

"Really? And here I was about to offer to teach you a jutsu that can make guys bleed without killing them." Gaara's eyes widened for a moment in interest, before he thought about the blond's statement.

"Why would I want to make someone bleed without killing them?" It should be noted due to the shock of Naruto's statement, that everyone there ignored Naruto's knowing about Gaara's bloodlust.

"Well, you get more uses out of your victims for one." Naruto said, again catching the redhead's undivided attention. "Not to mention, the whole randomly killing people thing is like, way out of style."

"Show me."

"Hey, cute chick with the fan." Naruto called to Temari. "Is the reject kabuki boy a pervert?"

"Yes." Was the curt reply, gaining a loud protest from the boy.

"Perfect. Hey, make-up boy." Placing his hands in the proper seal, Naruto waited until he had the boy's attention, before he called. "Oiroke no Jutsu: Tsunade Centerfold!"

In a plume of smoke, the blond boy turned into a very buxom, nude, blond girl with Tsunade-like proportions. A small bout of fuuton manipulation and the clouds disappeared to reveal erect nipples, and puffy, shaved lower lips that were glistening in arrousal. The reaction was immediate.

Two little children blushed, and turned away, their third member grumbled about how his rival had improved his jutsu so much that he was leaving him behind. The three Genin kunoichi in the area gained a heavy pink tint to their cheeks; one being held back by a reinforced Shadow Clone was highly annoyed and hissing death like a cat (although it should be noted her nose was bleeding), one looking vaguely amused at her brothers' reactions, although also slightly offended, and the third was severely questioning her sexuality.

As for the boys, the dark haired boy who'd thrown the rock, activated his Sharingan to commit the beautiful nude form to memory, blood dripping from his nose. The one with the make up flew backwards several meters with a severe nosebleed, showering the two Jinchuuriki. The one with red hair blushed, but most importantly noticed the amount of blood the second let loose. And finally, the two in the trees shot backwards, and out of the tree, one needing a change of bandages, and causing his team to almost be late to a meeting with their master.

"You will teach me this technique?" Gaara said.

"Of course." Naruto said. "Come on, we can even start now. I'm sure Konohamaru probably wants to learn how to upgrade his too." Said boy nodded.

"Hey boss, can you help us too?" Moegi asked. Naruto shrugged, and one kage's child, and three easily influenced academy students followed the blond to be corrupted, or further corrupted in the kids' cases.

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Luckily for everyone's well being, Naruto had developed a more efficient means to teach the jutsu. No longer did they have to visit those adult shops, and browse through perverted books and manga. After showing the kids how to adjust theirs- with an emphasis on not overdoing the changes- and getting them started on it, he turned to Gaara and frowned a bit.

"Y'know, for me to do this, you're going to have to lift part of your sand armor." Naruto said. "It works better, and a lot faster if I don't have to barrel my chakra through your sand."

Gaara too frowned, both at the fact that someone knew about his armor, and that he'd have to remove part of it. "How do I know that you aren't going to kill me?" Gaara asked.

"I don't have a reason to, so why would I?" Naruto said. "Besides, I try to avoid killing allies, or I might get into trouble with the Hokage."

Gaara was only partially satisfied with that answer, but it was enough for him to allow a very small space for Naruto to place a finger on. Thankfully it was enough. For the initial phase, Naruto showed Gaara how to perform the technique, as in the handseals, as well as what he was trying to envision. He then placed his finger onto the small break in sand on Gaara's shoulder, and had him perform the jutsu. While Gaara was doing this, he pushed his own chakra into his fellow Jinchuuriki, to help guide Gaara's chakra through performing the jutsu. This way, when he did it by himself, his body would know what to do, and he would be able to do it on instinct.

The first two attempts at the transformation came out perfectly, but sadly, the girl was rather plain. Not plain as in a girl of average looks, but plain as in she looked like mannequin with little more than an efeminately boyish silhouette. Finally on the third time, Gaara was able to add a bit more detail, but the girl was still flat as a board on both sides. Naruto was shocked when he asked what Gaara was thinking about, and it's best that the answer not be repeated.

Naruto suggested Gaara think about a girl whose appearance he could pull to the front of his mind instantly. For someone like Gaara- who hadn't yet hit puberty, nor had he cared about anything more than killing for several years- there weren't any girls in his life that he remembered sticking out. As a matter of fact, the only two girls appearances he could readily recall were his sister and the pink haired girl, both whom he'd seen recently. Even though he didn't care about anything or anyone, he at least respected the fact that his sister tried to treat him like her brother, even if she was afraid of him. That meant that he would have to used the pink haired girl.

Performing the jutsu one more time, Gaara intoned, "Oiroke no Jutsu."

Now, one of the unknown side effects- one that the creator wasn't even aware had been added- of Naruto's jutsu, is that somehow, it could tell if the person using the jutsu was underage. If they were, the jutsu would automatically age them enough years that were over the age of consent for that. Because Gaara was twelve, and had used the form of another twelve year old for his inspiration, the jutsu felt that it was very important that the aging aspect kick in so that certain child nudity laws weren't violated.

For the sake of Naruto's sanity, the girl Gaara turned into just barely made the cut for not being classified as a loli; unfortunately, the petite beauty that Gaara created only _just_ made it. The girl that he was looking at also ranked just low enough on the cute meter, that unlike the current version of his girlfriend Hinata, one wouldn't feel guilty for looking at her, and having naughty thoughts pop into their head. That still didn't prevent Naruto from receiving a small nosebleed, nor did it get him out of inspecting Gaara's finished product.

From what he was seeing, the girl looked like what a female Gaara might look like in about three years...from the neck up anyway. From the neck down, the figure was very, very, very familiar. Although granted he'd never seen it without clothes on, he'd obsessed over Sakura in his last life enough to know her body when he saw it. While she didn't compare much to Haku or Hinata, he could definitely admit that Sakura grew up nicely, and that he appreciated her form. Combined with a female Gaara's cuteness...he almost felt sorry for the Suna shinobi when the redhead unleashed this on them. There would probably even be a few accidental deaths if there were any anemics who saw this.

A half hour later, after being blasted by the jutsu enough times for Gaara to master the trasnformation, and slip into his female form flawlessly without thinking about it, Naruto left the training grounds more than a little freaked out. Part of that being that while he'd thought his sexy jutsu was sexy, Gaara's was downright...'_No don't think of that. Normal biological reactions to that image give me wiggins._'

As he was stumbling along the street, he just so happened to run into Temari. She hadn't seen her brother in almost four hours, and regardless of the fact that she suspected he was with the blond, she also knew she couldn't discount the possibility that Gaara had gone on a killing spree. What she failed to realize, is that unlike her village, the shinobi of Konoha wouldn't have just stood by and ignored Gaara going on a killing spree. Not only that, but Konoha had shinobi who could actually deal with Gaara if they needed to.

Seeing the blond, she breathed a small sigh of relief, before she reminded herself that the blond could have just barely escaped. Her worries turned to true fear when she saw just how freaked out he looked.

Deciding to find out what happened, and sincerely hoping she was wrong, she asked. "What's wrong? And where's Gaara?"

The blond, who looked to have had a very minor nosebleed recently, looked up at her, and gave a shudder. "Your little brother makes a disturbingly hot girl."

As Naruto walked away, and she stared at his back, she couldn't help but wonder what the hell he was talking about. That was, until she remembered the Henge he'd used. He couldn't have possibly taught that to Gaara, could he?

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Upon arriving home at his apartment building, he went straight to Haku's dwelling, and knocked. Upon her opening the door, he invaded her personal space, laid his head on her shoulder, and told her that he needed to be held. When she asked him why, he was forced to admit that he'd taught Gaara his Sexy Jutsu, as well as what she looked like, and the subsequent reaction that he'd had to it. While she was more than happy to hold and comfort her boyfriend, Haku just couldn't help taking a small shot at him.

"Naruto-sama," She started. "I've noticed that you have been turning an awful lot of males into hot females with your jutsu. I feel I must ask if you plan on making a habit of that, whether or not you're testing potential lovers, and how many more girls Hinata-chan and I should expect to be recruited and genderbended for your harem?"

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A couple hours after her meeting with the blond that had spirited her brother away for several hours, Temari had to admit that the short blond was absolutely right. Gaara truly was 'disturbingly hot' as a girl. Her eyes boggled at the nude redhead that had just rendered both their brother and sensei unconscious with faces painted red.

The girl was about four inches taller than Gaara, and looked to be about her own age, Temari noticed. She had a figure to just die for: long, well formed legs, slim curvy hips, an even slimmer waist, and even a petitely proportionate bust- about a solid A-cup. And did she forget to mention the part about the girl being naked. Add to that the circles around her eyes, the tattoo on her forhead that was only just visible, the spiderweb looking seal on her lower back- that ended just above her tail bone- that actually looked like another sexy tattoo, and the fact that Gaara's normal hair- a slightly messy pixie cut- looked quite sexy on a girl, Temari found herself reacting to her little brother? sister? (9)

If she were to be completely honest with herself- and right now she really didn't want to be- she'd have to admit that Gaara's cute, petite vibe was seriously making her question her sexuality. Gaara on the other hand, was eying his handy work, and confirming that the blond was correct. Mother was satisfied with the blood offering, and she was also greatly amused.

"Uh, Gaara, not that it's not funny, and I don't have a problem with it, but is there any particular reason you keep blasting them with that jutsu every time they wake up?"

"The reactions amuse mother." He said. "And it satisfies mother's need for bloodshed."

'_Well, at least he's not randomly killing- or threatening to kill us- anymore._' Temari thought.

"Not only that, but so long as I keep mother blooded and amused, she has agreed to let me sleep in peace." Giving the two men a smirk, Gaara released the jutsu, threw her a nod, and walked out of the room.

Temari's eyes widened at what she'd heard, and she could only stare stupidly at her baby brother's retreating back. Maybe she should thank that weird blond kid after all. It might also be a good idea to kidnap him during the invasion so that he can help keep Gaara distracted afterwards. Gaara seemed to like- and had possibly even made friends with- the blond, so it would be a sound investment.

Over the next couple days, there were numerous Oiroke attacks throughout the village, thought thankfully Gaara's were restricted to a certain pair of Suna shinobi. The paperwork that would result from the numerous hospitalizations over the next week would push Sarutobi into actually marking the Oiroke an S-class Kinjutsu. The only thing that kept him from banning the jutsu outright, was the fact that Moegi and Udon had decided to show their grandparents, his old teammates, their new jutsu, landing them in the hospital, and Konohamaru decided to attack him with his new improved version during a meeting with Danzo. The sight of his rival's female student nude was too much for the old warhawk. The hospitalization of his most annoying opponent on the Council allowed for him to push several reforms that he had kept getting opposed.

'_Yes, that jutsu does have its uses._' Sarutobi thought as he filled out several forms for the exams with tissue stuffed up his nose.

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1. for those that didn't get the hint, yes, it's marijuana

2. this is from a very funny fic called 'The Great Romantic'. To Mogthegnome, you are a genius.

3. she's a random unimportant OC that I pulled out of a plothole; so you can pretty much forget about her

4. imagine time skip Hinata's body with Oiroke Gaara cuteness

5. yes, I made this word up, so what

6. go to rule34 . xxx, then copy and paste everything between the () as is (Zabuza lol) into the search bar. click on picture

7. Case13 gave permission, and this section was inspired by chapter 4 of his story reload; which also helped originally spawn this story idea

8. Dennis Haysbert, the All State Commercial guy

9. I actually found a picture that very closely resembles the Gaara Oiroke, but since it contains nudity. go to the same site as the Zabuza picture, and copy and paste everything between the () as is (tagme rule_63 gaara) into the search bar. click on picture with short haired, kneeling gaara. should be the third one.

**lateness excuses**

* thanks goes to Codenamed-bolt

+ thanks to Sketchfan

**Misc.**

^ thanks to slicerness for the Hyuuga history

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Omake for the scene where Naruto explains his second bloodline, and Sasuke not knowing that Fugaku wasn't his dad.

"Itachi."

"Jiraiya-san." The stoic young mand replied. "I was told that you had some information that was crucial for me to hear."

"I, am your father." Jiraiya replied, waiting for the blowup, and expecting to have to defend himself.

To his surprise, the explosion never came. "Hmm, explains a lot, especially why my penis isn't the size of my pinky." Itachi surmised. "As well as some of her angry rants about hoping that Sasuke and I take after our fathers. I'm guessing that Sasuke's father wasn't an Uchiha either?"

Jiraiya smirked. "Let's just say that your mother got a little tipsy with Kushina one night, and woke up the next morning in bed with a most youthful Chuunin for a bedmate."

"I wondered what he was doing there, and that errand excuse certainly didn't explain his blush." Itachi thought aloud. "I mean, I know my mother is considered a MILF, but she always dressed modestly, so that should certainly not garner any blushing under normal circumstances. Hmm, I guess it also explains Sasuke's natural speed, and his affinity for hand to hand."

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Well, there you have the latest edition in my official cry for help. Next chapter, the first and second stages of the Chuunin exams...and yes, I'm grinning in a disturbing manner.

Naruto: YOU ARE A SICK, TWISTED BASTARD!

NB: Thank you.

Naruto: That was not a compliment.

NB: Maybe not to you. Anyway, I've decided to change things. Instead of just Shunshins and excuses, I'm taking any ideas you think might make this even crazier than it is. Sure, I've got some okay ideas, but many twisted minds will make this much more entertaining for all. Well, see you folks next time, and remember to bring brain bleach.


	5. The Chuunin Exams, Sort Of

**Disclaimer: You want to know what the really disturbing part about this story is? None of this fic was influenced by mind altering substances. Aside from the obvious reader additions that are credited, this is all me. Just think about that for a second.**

**AN**: I got a review questioning whether Minato was Sasuke's father given the fact that Mikoto was getting her world rocked by someone who wasn't her failure at life husband. The answer is no, Minato is not. I'll let the readers decide for themselves who Sasuke and Itachi's dad is (so long as it's not Minato). I'm thinking Ero-Sennin for Itachi (as it would explain his incredible talent), and I'm personally partial to Gai being Sasuke's dad when Mikoto got wasted and took his most Youthful virginity.

If you'd like, go back to the last chapter, and check out the omake I added. It will explain a few things.

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"Sorry I'm late," Naruto said, nearly out of breath as ran down the hallway to where his teammates stood with their sensei. "-but I got snatched into that Sand team's hotel room, and almost raped for helping Gaara sleep at night. (!)"

Turning to her teammate with an annoyed look, Sakura grumbled. "Anyone else, I'd call bullshit, but somehow, I could totally believe that happening to you."

"Really?" He asked.

"Nothing about you is natural, Naruto, and since that's such an unnatural thing to happen, then it's entirely possible that some foreign girl decides to offer you sex as a thank you."

"CoughcoughShioncoughcouch." Naruto heard in the back of his head, causing him to blush in embarrassment.

Raising his brow, Kakashi smiled beneath his mask. He was glad that they'd all showed up, because he'd have been saddened to turn them all away. Especially since Sakura believed they were ready. While he doubted that she'd be promoted, between the other two, they'd at least make it to the third round, and he could advise her against continuing then. Heck, if they had a prelim, maybe that would settle things, and he wouldn't have to even worry about it.

"I'm glad you're here Naruto, because I would have had to turn your teammates away had you not shown." Kakashi said.

"What?" Sasuke almost yelled. "I thought you said that it was an individual choice."

"Did you already forget what Naruto said the other day?" Sasuke glared at his sensei's rebuke.

"The Chuunin Exams are a team exam, at least until the final test." Naruto explained. "So unless we enter, and make it to the third test with all members alive and intact, then we're disqualified."

"Is Naruto right, sensei?" Kakashi nodded at Sakura.

"Although I'll admit that I'm surprised that Sakura decided to show up. Like Naruto said, the two of you are stubborn enough to go forward, ready or not. Still, I'm proud of you three. Well, good luck." Kakashi gave them a wave, and gestured for them to enter.

Shrugging, Naruto led his team into room 301. They weren't in the room for more than a few seconds when a certain blonde kunoichi decided to embarrass Konoha kunoichi with her antics.

"Sasuke-kun! You're late." His biggest fangirl squealed as she latched onto his back like a leech. "I haven't seen you in awhile, so I've been waiting in excitement."

"Would you useless fangirls get it through your heads that I don't like you?" Sasuke growled, trying to shrug the girl off. "I'd rather learn that perverted jutsu of Naruto's, turn into a girl, join his harem, have him impregnate me, and have his child than date any one of you. And no Kiba, for the last time, I am not gay."

"Are you sure?" Kiba asked teasingly. "That was an awfully specific set of linear, preferential events you used just to insult a bunch of fangirls." Sasuke was going to retort in the negative, when he paused, and actually thought about what the mutt said, as well as what he'd said. He hated to admit it, but the less intelligent half of the Kiba/Akamaru pair had a point.

"I plead the fifth, owing to the fact that you raised a disturbingly valid point that I really need to take some time to think about."

From there, reintroductions to former classmates proceeded almost identically as Naruto remembered they did- with the notable excepion that Sakura chose to refrain from embarrassing fangirl actions after Sasuke had thoroughly embarrassed Ino. Never let it be said that the girl couldn't learn.

With things so similar, Naruto decided to allow Sasuke to make an ass of himself looking for info on Lee and Gaara. From what he could make of the angry grumbling, Sasuke was still angry that Gaara ignored him...of course, that was after he'd recovered from Naruto's Teenage Tsunade Oiroke. When Kabuto began his diatribe about the Sound Village, Naruto found himself suddenly inspired, and in such a way that even NB would be proud. Sliding subtly into place, he was ready when things came to a head. When the group of one trick ponies attacked, Naruto stuck his foot out just as Dosu passed him.

'_Oops_.' Naruto thought to himself as he tripped the wrapping clad boy, resulting in a tumble, and the misfit ending up in a Nar/Sas pre-Genin yaoi moment with Kabuto. Moments later the proctor showed up, and the exams officially began.

Because it's pretty boring, and like the Demon Brothers thing, there's only so many different ways you can do that part without it becoming stupid or boring, we're going to ignore the first test, and skip to the part where the second proctor enters. About the only thing you need to know is that Naruto stuck to the script, and enjoyed watching the nervous tic that developed over Ibiki's eye when he ruined his intimidation speech with one about bravery.

Okay, let's be honest, the speech mocked anyone who didn't have the balls- or ovaries in the case of the kunoichi- to stare certain death in the face, and tell it to go fuck itself. As shinobi, they were already living on borrowed time, so one should do what they could for their village with the time they had. He also called Ibiki a sick fuck for showing off his scars.

'_Too bad we're going to be razing this village, and killing everyone in it._' Kin thought from her seat. '_He'd make a great father for my brats someday._'

A certain Snake had to control his eye twitch as well. He'd heard similar speeches twice before when he'd proctored Konoha's Chuunin Exams, one equally as vulgar from a certain redheaded girl from Whirlpool, and once from another blond haired, blue eyed pool of charisma- though he was decidedly more eloquent than either of the Uzumaki were. Something told him that this didn't bode well for his plans, but it was too late to change things, or back out now.

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"Heads up, boys and girls, this is no time to be celebrating!" A voice yelled as it crashed through the window. As she tossed two kunai into the ceiling to erect a banner behind her, she continued. "I'll be your next proctor. Anko Mitarashi. You ready for the second test? Good! Then let's go, follow me!"

As everyone stared at the woman in shock, Naruto found himself wondering how long she'd been practicing that move. Seeing that everyone else was still distracted, he took the time to peruse the sign he'd previously ignored in favor of staring at the hot- yet incredibly creepy and scary- kunoichi. He couldn't help the smirk that crossed his face as he read, 'The Sexy, Salacious, with an ass so Bodacious, Anko Mitarashi'.

"Bad timing, Anko." Ibiki deadpanned. "You're early." In the silence that followed, Naruto decided to comment on the sign the Special Jounin had erected.

"You know, I find myself agreeing with everything on that sign." Naruto said.

With a sinfully naughty grin on her face, Anko replied. "You keep teasing me gaki, and I might have to convince Iruka-kun to share me."

"Very tempting, but I'll pass." Naruto replied. "Not only do I fear for my health, but Haku and Hinata probably wouldn't like it if I did."

"Oh great, she's like an adult, kunoichi version of Naruto." Sakura grumbled.

"Thanks." She said- completely ignoring the fact that it probably wasn't a compliment- looking around. "Damn it Ibiki, there are still 78 Genin here. Your test must have been too easy, because 26 teams is way too many."

"We've got a better crop of Genin this year." Ibiki intoned. '_And your little blond friend ruined my intimidation speech._'

"No matter, my test will cut the the numbers by at least half." She said. "I'll explain more after we change locations."

With that she leapt through the window, followed quickly by Naruto, and soon the others. Once the room was empty, Ibiki went around and picked up the tests. When he reached Naruto's he was once again besieged by an annoyed eye tic. In each of the answer slots, Naruto had written 'Blow me, only the last question matters.'.

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As Anko explained the second exam, Naruto found himself distracted by the plans he'd made for the Forest of Death. He was suddenly broken from his contemplation as a kunai whizzed past his face. When he felt Anko's presence, and her wet tongue again on his cheek, he couldn't help the cheeky comment that came out.

"You know, for someone whose in a happy relationship, you sure do like licking my cheek a lot." Naruto quipped. Surprisingly, he found himself hugged from behind.

"Now I see why Iruka-kun likes you so much." She crooned. "But I must warn you, it's not smart to not pay attention, expecially when I'm giving you warnings about my favorite little playpen."

"Bah, I'm not worried." Naruto said, then his voice dropped to a whisper. "Compared to what I've got stuffed in my gut, there isn't anything in there that can scare me."

"Huh, good point." She said, before going back to her instructions, after of course that creepy grass bitch did her stalker routine.

Naruto absently filled out his waiver, when it was handed out. He didn't really need to pay much attention to the instructions of the test, because he already knew what he had to do, and what to expect inside. This time, he wasn't about to just go in blindly. He was going to send a bunch of clones out to scout as well. He was also aware of the significance of this particular test, and how it effect the future. While he knew that things wouldn't be exactly as they were before, he knew of two things that were sure to happen. Dealing with the sound team would be easy, but he was still unsure how to go about making sure Sasuke didn't get the Curse Seal. Considering the fact that he was unconscious the last time Sasuke had gotten it, he wasn't sure exactly how to go about preventing it.

Which is kind of odd, considering that he'd read the entire series while in that time travel waiting area.

Naruto glanced around at the other rookies, and could tell that they were apprehensive, and with good reason. Not that they had anything to worry about. He planned on having a clone tailing them in case things got really bad. Sure, they'd made it out on their own the first time, but there was no point in taking any chances, especially in the case of Hinata-chan. And speaking of Hinata, she looked like she was about half a second from giving in.

Moving over to where his girlfriend sat with her team, he wrapped her in a one armed hug, and kissed her on the cheek.

"Don't worry, Hinata," Naruto said. "You'll do fine."

Basking in the warmth of her boyfriend's embrace, Hinata drew strength from him, and quickly signed her form. Grinning as he headed back to his own team, he tossed one last line over his shoulder.

"I'll see you at the tower, okay?" Hinata gave a quick nod in answer.

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After receiving their Heaven scroll, team seven gathered by gate twelve. As soon as they were out of sight of the other teams, Sasuke predictably held his hand out.

"I'll hold our scroll, since I'm the strongest member of the team." Naruto just shook his head.

"Two reasons why you aren't getting this scroll." Naruto said. "First, the other teams are going to be expecting the strongest or weakest members of the teams to be holding the scroll. The strongest for obvious reasons, and the weakest as a fake out."

"And what's the second?" Sakura asked.

"I don't trust the emo not to bitch out, and give up our scroll to save his own ass." Naruto said, glaring, remembering how he'd given the scroll to Orochimaru, only to have it burned.

As Sasuke bristled in anger, Naruto ignored him in favor of sealing the scroll into a wristband. Again shaking his head, he couldn't believe that he was borrowing one of Sasuke's tricks. Then again, it was a pretty smart idea, and very few expected it, so why not.

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Barely ten minutes in, and Hinata was again feeling apprehensive about the test. Sure, she had Shino-kun and Kiba-kun with her, but what she wouldn't give for another hug, and reassuring comment from her Naruto-sama. Still, she wasn't too worried. Thanks to her training with Haku and Naruto, she was much more confident in her own abilities than she'd have been otherwise, and knew that so long as they worked together, they would be fine. Akamaru's stressed bark brought her from her reverie.

"Damn, already?" Kiba asked. "Where are they?" Another soft bark came. "Up in the trees, to the left."

"I wouldn't worry about them." Shino suddenly said.

"Oh?" Hinata asked.

"My father has spent some time in here studying some of the insect life. He says that sitting in the trees, and staying stationary is the worst mistake you can make."

"W-why is that?"

"The Leaf Jumping Leeches." Came the reply, right before the team stalking them began to scream. "They sense lifeforms, and attack in bunches."

He nodded to an area of the ground, where seconds later three dried up husks fell to the ground.

"Well, that's one team down, let's see if they have the scroll we need." Kiba said searching them. "We're in luck. We can already get the heck out of here."

Hinata smiled. Looks like Naruto-kun had been right after all.

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Back with said blond, Naruto again had the urge to take a leak. A few minutes later, he returned sulking.

"What happened?" Sakura asked.

"I got ambushed."

"Let me guess, you lost the scroll." Sasuke taunted.

"No, of course not." Naruto said, waving the comment off. "I actually got another scroll. I was just pissed that the bastard didn't have the one we needed."

"Oh?" Sakura said, surprised. "Well, I guess we better keep looking then."

Once again, Sasuke insisted upon using that ridiculously long password in case they got separated. Almost as soon as they were getting ready to head out, a massive wind came out of nowhere.

'_Here we go._' Naruto thought.

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Already having a plan to deal with the snake, Naruto waited until it was about to attack, before jumping into its mouth. With one application of his signature jutsu, the snakes throat exploded open.

"Heh, easy." He said, before turning to the legion of clones. "Okay, you remember the clearing that we stayed in after the Orochimaru fight? I want half of you guys to start setting up traps that we can use. The other half, I want to come with me back into the fight. Keep an eye on Sakura and Sasuke, and I want a couple of you on standby for when he uses that seal. It'll be much easier to get the drop on him if he thinks I'm out of the fight, so we have to let that happen."

"Yessir!" All the clones called saluting, before half hopped off.

Using the pulse, Naruto quickly found where his teammates were located, and vanished in a swirl of peanut shells. The other clones soon followed.

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Back with the other two members of team seven, Sasuke had just thrown a kunai at who Sakura had thought was Naruto.

"Sasuke?" She asked.

"That's not Naruto." He said. "The Dobe would never have remembered a password like that. And even if he could have, he would have just insulted me for coming up with a stupid password."

"That's true." Sakura admitted.

"Impressive," The enemy nin said with a smirk. "Looks like this will be fore fun than I thought. Well then, since you have a Heaven Scroll, and I have an Earth Scroll-"

Naruto arrived just in time to see Orochimaru slithering up a tree like a snake. Creative, clever, and highly disturbing all at the same time. Taking a few shuriken from his pouch, he tossed it just ahead of where the man would be, stopping his forward momentum.

"You know, me saving your ass is becoming a running theme, Sasuke." Naruto said.

"Damn it Naruto, I know you think you're cool, and here to save us," Sasuke yelled. "-but this chick is on a whole different level."

'_Trust me, Sasuke, you have know idea how right you are._' Naruto thought grinning. "Hey, does she have a scroll that we can take?"

"She had one, but she swallowed it whole right here in front of us." Sakura replied.

So Orochimaru swallowed the scroll he had. Naruto knew he shouldn't, but he just couldn't pass up the chance. "Hey, you weren't trying to tell them something by swallowing that scroll, were you? I mean, we're like twelve, that kind of stuff is easily a few years off for all of us."

"Says the boy who banged an enemy kunoichi into defecting." Sakura retorted.

"Touche." Naruto shrugged. "But still, I'm twelve, and Haku was only fifteen, so it wasn't that bad. This guy is like fifty, and he's propositioning preteens."

"Are you blind, Naruto? That's a girl." Sakura yelled.

"No, that's a frikkin dude, Orochimaru of the Sannin if I'm right."

"Oh, and what makes you think that?" Orochimaru asked, wondering how a mere Genin could deduce his identity, when even his own apprentice hadn't noticed.

"It was a really good disguise." Naruto said. "It's just too bad that your arrogance blew your cover."

"Is that so?" The man said, grinning.

"You remember when you gave Anko back her kunai?" Naruto said. "You were holding it with your tongue, and there's only two ninja in the known Elemental Nations who uses a technique like that. Anko, who uses it mostly for perverted means, and Orochimaru. There's also the fact that the same two shinobi are the only known shinobi who know, and use that swallow anything jutsu."

"Very astute of you." Orochimaru said, pulling off his mask. "Well, I guess I don't have any more need for this then. So, now that you know who I am, are you going to start running?"

"What for?" Naruto asked.

"Kukuku, prey should always take the chance to run, from a predator, that is." He said.

"Normally I would, because you're easily the scariest sonova most people will ever meet, but I've seen worse." After all a menstrual Tsunade was easily the scariest thing he'd ever seen in his life. Though how she was still doing that at almost sixty, he didn't know. Orochimaru's eyes narrowed at the boy's shudder. He'd seen that shudder before on his former teammate Jiraiya when he'd been warning him that Tsunade wasn't to be bothered for five to seven days. Whatever, it wasn't like the boy had ever experienced that kind of horror before.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to change your mind." Orochimaru grinned.

'_If this is really one of the Sannin, then we'll all be killed if we fight this guy._' Sasuke thought. "Naruto, give him the scroll. If we give him the scroll, maybe he'll leave us alone."

"Remember what I said about bitching out, Sasuke?" Okay, so Naruto knew he wasn't exactly being fair. For him, after facing the likes of Kisame, Pein, and Madara, Orochimaru just didn't hold that level of scary he'd held at this point before. Sure, Naruto was wary of fighting him, but he wasn't exactly scary anymore. The scariest person that Sakura and Sasuke had faced to date was Zabuza, and really there just wasn't any comparison.

"Naruto, this isn't a game!" Sasuke yelled.

"No shit, teme." Naruto said. "But think for a second. What the hell would Orochimaru need with a scroll? He's one of the Sannin, and all three of them were Jounin before they went their separate ways. He's obviously not got a need for ours, so why give it to him? It's highly unlikey that he'll leave us alone even if we give him the scroll."

"Kukuku, Naruto-kun is correct." Orochimaru said, shocking the other two. "I can easily kill all three of you, and take your scroll."

Naruto then saw what he'd been hoping wouldn't happen. Orochimaru rolled up his sleeve, bit his thumb, and swiped blood over the tattoo seal on his arm. That certainly wouldn't be a good thing.

Naruto only had a split second to dodge before a massive snake struck at him with its tail. Dodging a second attack, Naruto decided to show this fucker why you didn't fuck with a Jinchuuriki. Hand in the tiger seal, Naruto began channneling some of the fox's chakra, enough so that his eyes turned to red slits.

"Just so you know, I really, really, really have an issue with snakes." Naruto growled, as he leapt at the snake, spinning horizontally to avoid a snap of its jaws, and punched it in the head. He then had to leap back to dodge the Katon jutsu that the borderline geriatric followed up with.

"This is getting kind of fun." Orochimaru said. "It's your turn now, Sasuke-kun."

Naruto watched with expectation as the snake charged at his teammate, and knew that Sasuke was just going to stand there. For someone who wanted to kill his S-rank brother, this whole freezing in the face of much stronger shinobi was certainly not helping him. Leaping after the snake, Naruto landed in front of his teammate, with both his hands out to block the strike.

"You know Sasuke, if your fangirls find out I keep having to save your ass, they might decide they want me instead." Naruto taunted. "How are you supposed to kill your brother, if you're too much of a scaredy cat to face someone weaker than him?"

Naruto slapped the top of the snakes head, and grinned when the explosive tag seal he'd been hoping for appeared. He didn't have time to celebrate this new success- something he'd been trying to do since he'd learned that both his parents could apply seals with just their hands and chakra. A long, wet appendage was soon wrapped around his waist, and he was pulled up face to face with the former Sannin member.

"Weaker than Itachi-kun, am I?" Orochimaru snarked. "I will admit that he cought me off guard with the power of his Sharingan, but I assure you that he is not my equal. As for you, my little friend, it seems my information about the nine tails brat was wrong, and you have survived after all." Using the tip of his tongue, Orochimaru lifted his shirt, and Naruto could feel the saliva on his bare skin.

"Dude, that is seriously disgusting." Naruto said, not at all liking the sensation. He'd kind of forgotten- read repressed- the part of the memory where Orochimaru had been holding him with his tongue.

"Ah, the seal is visible, well let's see if I can't make a little improvement on this pretty little work of art." The man said, as his fingers glowed with various seals. "Gogyou Fuin."

Naruto the felt a searing pain as the fingers connected with his stomach. Immediately the Kyuubi's chakra drained from him, but thankfully, he didn't fall unconscious like the last time. With absolute control of the fox's chakra, it was merely like having his chakra suppressed with the cuffs that the Anbu used for prisoners. Still, he was feeling extrememly sluggish, and his training seal wasn't helping matters either. He wasn't likely to be able to defend himself until he was able to get rid of either it, or the Gogyou.

With a negligent flick of Orochimaru's tongue, Naruto was tossed behind him. It was for this reason, that he didn't see one of the many Shadow Clones still hanging around, that caught the weighed down Naruto. Boss in his arms, the clone leapt several feet away, before sitting Naruto down. Now a good distance away, the clone activated the seal on the snakes head to great effect, before turning back to his boss.

Looking down at the groaning blond, the clone couldn't help but quip. "Y'know, it would have been easier to just use the Bunshin Bakuha, right."

"Too close to the others with my chakra levels." Naruto groaned.

"Hehe, oh yeah, forgot about that." The clone said.

"Though I'll probably use that against Kabuto when we go get Baachan." Naruto said, grinning, then winced.

"Right, I should probably get this seal off of you." Performing the handseals, the clone held his wrist as each finger lit up with one of each of the elements. "Gogyou Kaain."

Again, searing pain engulfed Naruto, as the invading seal was broken. "Ugh, I still feel like shit." Naruto sat up, and immediately slumped back down. "It's going to take me a moment to get back up, go help Sasuke and Sakura, and make a general nuisance of yourself for snake baka."

With a salute, the clone leapt away. The clone rejoined the battle just in time to see Sasuke giving it his all. Sure, the guy may have been a grade A dick, but you couldn't deny that he had talent that had dwarfed his own at the time. Noticing all of the misses, he decided to give Sasuke a hand. With an evil grin, he decided to give his teammate a hand. Leaping down, he sent a wild kick at Orochimaru's head, missing by a wide margin.

"I thought I got rid of you, you pest." Orochimaru said, darting his tongue out to capture the off balanced blond.

The clones grin widened when he was again caught by Orochimaru's tongue. Naruto placed his hands in a single seal, and tried to vanish in a swirl of rancid, green slime. While the escaping part of Shunshin failed, the displaced item did not fail to appear, coating both Naruto and the shinobi right in front of him. With a vicious smirk, he bobbed himself on the head, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Orochimaru nearly vomited from the odor that filled his nostrils, and could tell just from the scent, that this was one of those odors that just wouldn't come out no matter what you did. Now while the smell was bad, it was nothing compared to the taste. Having had his tongued wrapped around the blond when the utsu was performed, it meant that the entirety of his tongue was coated in that vile concoction.

As the man coughed and dry heaved, distracted as he was by the vile odor that he could smell from his position, Sasuke took advantage of the situation. Running through the seals of his current signature jutsu, he took a massive breath, and put as much chakra as he could spare into the jutsu.

"Goukakyou no Jutsu!" Now normally this jutsu- which is a close range attack- would have neither made it to Orochimaru, nor caused him very much damage, all things considered. There were, however, a couple things that Sasuke had to his advantage at that moment. First, the slime that was giving the borderline pedophile such problems also happened to be highly flammable. The second thing that Sasuke had in his favor, was that Naruto had finally recovered enough to be of use again.

A set of rapid handseals, as well as a murmured, "Reppoushou!" from just behind Sasuke resulted in his fireball doubling in size and intensity. It also served to turn the normally short-range attack, into a long range ball of heat. Still, Orochimaru wasn't an S-rank ninja for nothing, and Naruto knew that they weren't lucky enough for him to just die like a normal person after being hit with that combo jutsu. When the flames died away, standing where the sick bastard had been standing was a Doton Bunshin. Well, actually it was a dried up clay mud statue in the form of Orochiamru.

Regardless, it wasn't the results they wanted. This was proven when Naruto heard the disturbingly silky tones of the missing-nin.

"I'm impressed that you can still stand after my seal, Naruto-kun." Orochimaru said, "And even perform such an impressive jutsu."

"Thanks, I think." Naruto said.

"And Sasuke-kun, to be able to use the Sharingan so well at this age, you're truly one who carries the Uchiha blood." He said, smiling in a way that made both Naruto and Sasuke- who were both in Orochimaru's line of sight- very uncomfortable. "Just as I thought...I want you."

Now Naruto knew this would have been the perfect point for a creepy pedophile joke, but decided against it. Given his current condition, how he took that Itachi barb, and the fact that he was at least one uber training trip away from being able to take the man on, seeing the look on his face wouldn't be worth it.

"If you want to see me again, then survive and pass this exam." He said as he torched the scroll he'd liberated from Naruto's pouch.

"Seriously, I don't think any of us ever want to see you again." Naruto said. "No offense, but the vibe you give off is kind of a deter...deterg-"

"Deterrent, Naruto." Sakura finished.

"Yeah, that."

"I beg to differ." Orochimaru said, performing seals. Naruto watched him cautiously. Something told him this was the point that he'd been waiting for. He was about to find out how Sasuke got the seal, and hopefully, he'd be able to reverse.

To Naruto's shock and horror, Orochimaru's neck extended, and raced towards Sasuke. What happened next, Naruto couldn't have predicted. Nor could he have asked for an easier way to remove the damnable seal that made his friend into a psycho. As Orochimaru sank his fangs into Sasuke's neck, Naruto forced the grin down.

"Sasuke-kun will seek me, to seek power." The old man said. Naruto hadn't heard a word the man said, for as soon as he saw the application process for the Curse Seal of Heaven, the first thing that came to his mind, and out of his mouth, was.

"Gross, did you just give Sasuke a hickey?!" Naruto asked.

"No, it's a small dose of the power I can grant him." Orochimaru boasted. "Soon, he will come to me for more." The Snake Sannin laughed as he sunk into the ground.

Smirking in a way that made Sakura question his sanity, Naruto made a random glance wagging his eyebrows, then looked back at Sasuke's shoulder.

"Looks like a hickey to me." He said. Let's just say, that when Sasuke woke up, there was no seal, no power boost, and absolutely no way in hell that he was ever going to willingly go near Orochimaru again.

After Sasuke had stopped screaming, and calmed to a deep snooze, rather than a comatose power struggle for his sanity, Naruto suggested that they take a rest. Picking Sasuke up, he carried the boy to the clearing, and the massive tree that they'd made camp in during his other life. Just as Sakura was about to take a step towards the massive tree, Naruto grabbed her by the arm.

"Sakura, my clones just spent the last several minutes booby trapping this area." The pinkette paled, before taking a large step backwards. "Here, take my hand, and I'll get you to the safe zone."

One Shunshin later, and Sakura couldn't contain the slight blush as they dis- and reappeared an a swirl of Sakura blossoms. Naruto on the other hand, was confused at how he'd ended up with Sakura blossoms when he hadn't really been trying for anything. Shrugging it off as a nuance of his unique ability, he settled Sasuke down on the floor beneath the massive roots. As Sakura immediately laid down for a nap as well, Naruto summoned one of his remaining clones to take first watch. Sitting down, Naruto took a meditative state, and centered himself.

When Naruto was finally standing before the giant cage that held the highly intoxicated Kyuubi- and the numerous massive bottles was a testiment to that- Naruto called out to the basted fox.

"Okay fox, you've been in here drunk and idle for long enough." Naruto grinned at the glaring red eyes of the drunken fox. "You have two new choices, you're either going to be a caring parental figure that teaches me the way of the Kitsune, or find a way to become an extremely sexy part of my harem who teaches me the way of the Kitsune, your choice."

"**An' wha' ma'es you think tha', you devoid...you involved...you no-thumb monkey?**" Kyuubi drunkenly slurred. Um, I should probably mention that Kitsune tend to suck at insults when hammered.

"You can see everything that happens to me, right." The fox nodded, before waying dizzily. "You saw what happened with the bloodline, Haku, and the snake pedo, correct." The fox glared, but nodded, slower this time. "Pick one." Kyuubi's eyes widened as it caught the blonde's meaning. The fox grumbled, and glared at its vessel for several moments, before being engulfed in a swirl of smoke. What stepped out of the smoke was a red head, wet dream incarnate- well, it would be if you were a girl, or tended to swing that way.

"**Alrigh', gaki, the firs' thing you gotta need to learn-**" Naruto grinned as he sat for his first lesson. He couldn't wait to learn foxfire, and to see if he could encorporate that into an Endan.

888

Meanwhile, in an area nearer the tower...

The Sand team that just so happened to consist of the three children of the Kazekage were having a fateful encounter with a Team from Rain. Now, in the original timeline, the Rain team had already found their missing scroll, and had actually been camped near the base of the tower trying to prevent as many other teams from passing as they could. This would lead to them angering Gaara, and being smushed by his Sand, resulting in three traumatized Konoha Genin.

This time around, the circumstances were very similar, yet shockingly different. With an alternative method to making people bleed, and mother finding more enjoyment out of that method, Gaara chose a different path to dealing with the offending team. With a few simple seals, Gaara had once again become a disturbingly hot young woman, and once again perverted males reacted to the jutsu. Of the five males in the confrontation, three were now bleeding, twitching sacks of unconscious flesh.

Gaara frowned at the tall, scarred young man who was still standing in front of him. While he had a small dribble from one of his nostrils, he hadn't reacted like his two teammates. Sure, Naruto-san had said that not everyone would react, and that there were some girls who might react violently towards him for the jutsu, he hadn't experienced either instance until that point in time. Not really wanting to fight at the moment, Gaara commanded his sand to wrap around the boy's legs from his shin down, and squeezed.

The sound of crushing bone and flesh was very familiar, as was the spray of blood, but oddly enough, the elation that used to follow those two things were missing.

As she stared at her brother's handiwork, Temari couldn't help feeling oddly bemused. Sure seeing it happen to her brother and sensei was amusing, but she'd never have thought watching enemy ninja get it would be. Sure, she'd been terrified when she saw Gaara's sand creep up the last ones legs, but was at least somewhat mollified when that was as far as the sand went. Afterward though, Gaara's silent contemplation had her worried, as if he was just remembering how much he enjoyed crushing things. Not only that, but she was quickly becoming annoyed at the screaming from the Rain ninja with the crushed legs. Deciding to end it before Gaara snapped, and did so, Temari clubbed him him in the head with her fan.

It was a moment later, that her brother speaking got her attention.

"Odd, mother says that Uzumaki-san was correct." Gaara said.

"Eh?" Kankurou said, holding his nose, and looking anywhere but at his little brother-sister. Seems he'd finally awaken from that 'moe' induced nosebleed. Getting hit with it repeatedly must have been good for something after all.

"He said that crushing people is not as entertaining or satisfying as the nose projectiles." He replied. "Mother and I find ourselves agreeing."

"Oh." Kaknkurou muttered, both bewildered, and secretly jumping for joy inside. Sure the nosebleeds were embarrassing, and left him light-headed with a headache, but he didn't have to worry about dying from Gaara and 'Mother' getting their blood fix.

"Um, Gaara, not that I mind, but feel free to turn back any time now." Temari said, her face red because she couldn't seem to take her eyes off of Female Gaara's amazing ass. Gaara absentmindedly made the seal to release the jutsu, but found that she couldn't.

"Hmm, it seems that I cannot turn back." Turning to face her sister, Gaara cocked her head in a confused motion, a cute 'mou' pout adorning her face. "This is troublesome." Temari took one look, and was forced to cover her face as a spritz of blood made its way from her nostrils. A glance at her other brother showed him again twitching spastically with a blood covered face, and a small geyser still shooting about six inches in the air.

About ten meters away, Kiba was having a similar reaction as Kankurou to seeing moe Gaara. Unfortunately, having never seen it before, as well as because of certain instincts unique to his clan, he had yet to recover. Still, from the smile, and the glaze of his eyes, Shino rightly deduced that the canine-nin had again fallen in love with a girl he couldn't have. In a way, his teammates felt sorry for him. His clan's unique disposition truly was at fault for his innate perversion, but given that said perversion had cost them their first set of scrolls, Shino wasn't very sympathetic at the moment. Still, he could understand how his teammate had folded so easily in the face of such beauty; especially given the excessive lack of fabric in that kunoichi's chosen attire.

Still, given the conversation that they'd overheard, they might be in luck. Making his way over to the downed Rain team- waiting until after the Sand team had gone on into the tower first- Shino searched the team, and almost let a smile grace his stoic features when he found not one, but two full sets of scrolls. Heading back to his team, he handed the scrolls to Hinata, grabbed Kiba by the collar, and motioned for her to lead the way while he drug their teammate along.

As the previous situation was happening, the Sand team had just opened the two scrolls they'd acquired, summoning a Chuunin. The young woman took one look at the team, remembered the redheaded male that had been with them, forgot about the prepared speech she was supposed to give, and gave into her curiosity.

"Is there a reason that your teammate is walking around looking like an extremely hot naked girl." The female Chuunin asked.

"She learned a sex change jutsu from this blond kid with whisker marks, and now she can't change back." The Chuunin looked at Gaara, then at Temari, and back to Gaara, before shrugging.

"Right. Well, congratulations on making it through the second portion of the Chuunin exams." She said, and was about to start the prepared speech; however-

"Wait, this doesn't bother you?" Temari couldn't help asking.

"We have standing orders from the Hokage to either ignore or just go with anything abnormal, unnatural, or impossible that is connected to Naruto Uzumaki. The only person to ever ignore that directive ended up having to be committed to the asylum, and has spent the last three months bouncing off the walls of a padded cell." Temari and Kankuro stared at each other, and then their little brother- or was it sister until further notice- wondering what they'd gotten into letting that blond kid influence Gaara. Temari was really beginning to wonder if kidnapping the blond after they destroyed Konoha was still a sound idea.

"Besides, amongst the shinobi of the village, that kid is a hero, especially after defeating that demon cat Tora." She said.

"Demon cat Tora?" Kankurou asked.

"Yes, he saved us from the Fire Daimyo's wife's cat, Tora." She said passionately. "We don't know what he did, but we do know that when they brought her in, she was very docile, and she hasn't tried to escape since."

The three Genin stared at the woman in something like shock, and confusion. To outsiders, those that had never faced the dreaded Tora, the legacy of the demon cat wasn't all that impressive. To the ninja of Konoha, however, Naruto's heroic deeds would give him almost the same noteriety amongst shinobi that saving the village from Pein had.

Still, given that every shinobi village has a Daimyo's wife's pet that terrorizes the Genin, you'd think they'd understand the sentiment.

888

Meanwhile, back in the forest, Naruto was having a very nice lesson when it was disturbed by a clone popping, and the information that the Oto team had shown up. Naruto's eyes snapped open, startling Sakura who had been staring at him for almost an hour, shocked that he could sit so still for so long. Naruto found himself surprised by Sakura's shinobi prowess when she too informed him of what his clone had already told him; well she said she thought there might be someone out there.

"Well, they won't even get close to us." Naruto said, looking up, and finding that it was close to morning. "My clones trapped this place pretty good, just watch."

And they had. The group of clones had set up a set of omega traps, many of them prankish just to mess with them, as well as to dstract them from the ones that were potentially lethal. Seeing the two leaf ninja talking amongst themselves, as well as having the flawed information provided by Kabuto that Sasuke was the only one on the team who would pose a threat, the Sound team decided to make their move.

Sakura flinched, reached for a kunai, and had her arm cocked to throw when they saw a squirrel headed their way. She tried to plead with him, reminding him of the traps, and how the squirrel would set them off, but Naruto just shook his head and pointed. The running squirrel suddenly stopped, and backed away. It then inched forward a few steps, sniffed the ground, then grew wide eyed, and ran the other way.

"What was that?" She asked.

"It smelled the scent of a predator. My clones made sure to add something that would keept the forest creatures away while we slept, just like the traps would other shinobi." Naruto said. "No Sakura, you don't want to know."

"Good morning." A voice said, as three forms dropped from the trees. "Wake up Sasuke-kun, we want to fight him."

Naruto had to roll his eyes at their entrance. One was standing there, giving the stance of someone ready to attack. The girl was to his side also giving off an aura of intimidation, and the hothead was sitting on a rock behind the leader, trying to give off the impression that if he had to get up, they'd really regret it. Sadly for them, Naruto was the undisputed king of ruining impressive entrances.

"So you're the Sound trio?" Naruto asked. "That's a bit of a surprise."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Zaku growled.

"Well," Naruto started. "I was expecting a trio of butt ugly bumpkins, but she's kind of broken the mold. She's actually a lot prettier than my initial look at you three lead me to believe. Still, if you want to fight, I guess Sakura can wake up Sasuke. Kami knows he'll bitch something awful if we didn't give him the chance to show off, especially for the surprisingly pretty girl."

While Sakura goes to wake up Sasuke, I'm going to take this time for a news bulletin. I probably forgot to mention this before, but NB gave Naruto some of the jack-assier aspects of his personality. Not enough to change him, but enough that you get comments like the ones above.

"What's going on here, Naruto?" Oh, that means Sasuke is back, so back to the story. Anywho, Sasuke stared at the Sound trio several meters away.

"They claim they want to fight you." Naruto said, gaining a smirk from Sasuke. "But given that they asked for you by name, and the fact that their village leader is that pedophile we ran into earlier, I think they might actually be fanboys and a fangirl. Sakura doesn't believe me, but I'm sure I'm right."

"What are you talking about?" Zaku growled, standing. "I'm no fanboy, and how dare you talk about Orochimaru-sama that way?"

"Orochimaru-sama?" Sakura couldn't help asking. "No comment." Did I also forget to mention that between Inner Sakura and Naruto, Sakura has slowly been corrupted.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"He said he wanted Sasuke, and then gave him a hickey." Naruto exclaimed. "Do you know how traumatizing that is for a young boy? And now here you are calling him Orochimaru-sama, it seems a little fishy is all we're saying."

"Enough of this nonsense." The mummy said, disturbed that they knew who their master was. "We were given a job to do, so we will do it."

"Tch, whatever." Sasuke grumbled. "Naruto, did you trap this area?"

"Yup." Naruto said, grinning.

"Then I'm going back to sleep." He said, turning, and further angering the trio. "If they make it past the traps, then I'll fight these losers."

"Sasuke?" Sakura asked.

"Sakura, do you remember who Naruto used to routinely prank when he was late to class?" Sakura looked thoughtful for a moment, before realization struck.

"Fair enough." She admitted.

"Grr, you fucking leaves." Zaku spat, leveling his vents at the trio. "I'm going to kill these two, and then I'll kill that Sasuke guy."

"Feel free to give it your best shot, you one trick pony." Naruto taunted.

"Wait Zaku, I don't care if you kill the other two." Dosu said. "But I want to fight Sasuke first. I want to see what Orochimaru thinks is so special about him."

"Fine, hurry up." He said, lowering his arms.

"So you trapped this area, eh?" Dosu said. "You're not very good, are you? Recently overturned dirt, different colored stones, and this grass doesn't grow here. A booby trap is pointless unless it goes unnoticed. Kill them."

The trio of Sound nin jumped into the air, preparing to leap over the trapped area, only to find themselves surprised. "Sakura, I'll let you do the honors."

With that, she used the kunai Naruto handed her to gut the length of wire next to her, causing a massive log to come barrelling down at them from the trees. "You're right that a booby trap is pointless if it gets noticed, unless its purpose is to set you up for something else, by having you notice and avoid it."

"What, a booby trap from above?" Placing his hand on the log, he used his special technique. "Yeah right. You have no talent, and frankly speaking, you shouldn't mess with guys like us."

Unfortunately for the Sound trio, the rope wrapped so tautly around that log was the only thing keeping the other numerous traps from being triggered. When Dosu exploded the log, the rope went slack, and their sufferning began. By the time that the last trap had activated, the three Oto ninja were wondering where the hell Kabuto was getting his intel from. This was nothing like the academy deadlast they were expecting.

"Hey Sakura, go wake up Sasuke, and tell him that they just might survive the traps afterall." Naruto said with a girn.

"Hmph, I guess you aren't as good as I thought you were, Dobe." A voice mocked a couple minutes later, just in time for the sound trio to regroup.

"Well, I didn't use the more lethal ones, because I know how much you love showing off." Naruto retorted back, causing Sakura to roll her eyes, and Sasuke to smirk.

"I'll take the leader." Sasuke boasted.

"As you wish, _Sasuke-sama_," Naruto teased. "But be careful of that thing on his arm. They're from the Sound village, so it probably has something to do with sound waves. Given the way that it's positioned, it's a close range weapon, and anywhere within a foot of you will likely give it plenty of range to fuck with your head. Sakura, same thing, only beware of a different method of attack. Luckily, they're all one trick ponies, so that's probably all you have to worry about."

And so the battle began. While the two teams were figthing, they were also being observed by others. Team 10, having pegged Team 7 as the weakest team in the exams, had finally found their quarry after an embarrassing run in with Neji. Unfortunately, that plan fell by the wayside. While Ino was watching her crush fight with hearts and stars in her eyes, Chouji and Shikamaru were watching Naruto, who seemed to be just as competent as his more notable teammate.

"Looks like going after Naruto was a bust, eh Shikamaru?" Chouji asked.

"Yeah, so troublesome." The boy said. The question on both their minds, when had Naruto gotten so good, or had he just been hiding it?

As Naruto easily dodged an attack, he took a moment to check on his teammates. From what he could see, both Dosu and Sasuke were probably about even physically, but Sasuke was easily superior skillwise, and with his Sharingan, that gave him a distinct advantage, and allowed him to keep away from the sound nin's one trick. Sakura was mostly on the defensive, but seemed to be holding her own for the time being. It wouldn't last for long, but hopefully he'd be done by then. This Zaku guy was seriously a one trick pony. The only thing he had going for him was a strong chin.

Deciding to just finish the fight so he could help Sakura, Naruto went on the offensive. It was like he'd disappeared, and then reappeared underneath Zaku's guard.

Zaku looked down just in time to catch a kick to the chin. Jumping up, Naruto kicked the boy in the back, knocking him even higher, while two Shadow Clones appeared about ten feet above them. Using Kawarimi, Naruto switched with the lower most clone, who took anotther shot at the vulnerable Sound nin. Naruto flipped so that his feet connected with the other clone. Using what he'd learned with the tree climbing exercise, he purposely put too much chakra into his feet, and blasted himself towards Zaku. Naruto grabbed the back of Zaku's shirt, and as they neared the ground, brought his knees up, and pressed them into the boys back. They landed with a crash, Zaku hitting face first.

Just as he'd turned to help his teammate, he heard the sound of a pained groan, and had to admit he was impressed with what he saw. Zaku was again getting to his feet.

Growling as he gathered his chakra, Zaku screamed. "Okay, now I'm fucking pissed. I'm going to kill all of you bastards!" -and rapidly made hand signs. Naruto could feel the amount of chakra the boy was charging, and knew that if he used those air vents, it was going to be much stronger than what Naruto remembered from the prelims. Seeing that Sakura and her opponent were also in the path of the attack, Naruto ran towards his female teammate.

Naruto wasn't the only one to recognize the technique he was using, and growling at his hotheaded teammate. He didn't care that the idiot was going to kill the blond, but the fact that he was ignoring Kin who was also in that path was a problem. While he could really care less about the girl, they needed all three of them intact to advance, and her getting caught in that jutsu would make that difficult.

"Kin, scatter!" He yelled, before jumping away.

Sasuke, who'd heard the warning as well, followed his opponent. Sakura, who'd been concentrating on her fight, paused when her opponent suddenly fled. Looking around, she saw the unbandaged boy holding his hands in her direction. It was then that she noticed the holes in his hands.

"Zankyokukuuha!" The boy yelled, a massive gust of slicing wind exploded from the vents in Zaku's hands, destroying everything in it's path. As Sakura watched the attack come, she just knew she was dead...and then she was being grabbed by her top, and tossed through the air.

"Naruto!" Sakura yelled from a nearby bush where she had landed on top of Chouji, knowing he was the only person in a position to reach her. She was also aware that unless he had jumped with her, which it seems hadn't happened, then that meant he'd been caught in that blast.

When the dust from the attack cleared, they could see all around destruction from the jutsu. Shikamaru just looked at the area with a frown. He and Naruto had never really been that great of friends, but he wouldn't have wanted him to die. They'd had some good times together in the academy, and he was a comrade, after all.

"Heh, looks like I've blown him away." Zaku said with an evil grin. Seeing one of their own killed right before their eyes, things became very serious for the six Konoha Genin- including Lee who'd also been watching.

Just as they were about to resume the fight, now with much higher stakes, the group heard a sound that was half groan, half growl. "You...bastard."

It was about this time that they felt it. An aura of death, thicker than anything they'd ever been exposed to, floated over them like a tidal wave. Turning to where the growl had come from, the group of combatants were stunned to see Naruto emerge from the devastated area, a red haze beginning to form around him. The air began to heat up dramatically, and eyes widened as the red haze surrounding Naruto exploded from him, and started filled the area.

"Now you've pissed me off." Naruto growled out, as the ground beneath his feet began to crack. "I'll make you pay for that." The Killing Intent filling the arena was thick enough that it was becoming hard to breath.

Then, it suddenly disappeared, as all of it was directed at Zaku. The Oto-nin froze as the feeling increased nearly tenfold. Biting himself to snap out of his fear induced stiffness, he brought his hands up to blast him again. Naruto, bathed in a fiery red chakra, gave the boy a menacing glare.

Dosu stared at the blond, trying to figure out what this boy was. He'd never felt anything like this before. It felt even worse than Orochimaru's Curse Seals, and even the Snake himself. Dosu was certain that continuing this fight would end with them being killed, so decided to call a retreat.

"Zaku, this is a lost cause." The bandaged boy said. "Let's go, we'll have our chance later."

"No, it's much to late for that now."

Naruto darted forward in a reddish, yellow blur, shocking everyone watching with his sudden speed increase. Naruto struck with a chakra enhanced left to the boy's stomach, hard enough to make his eyes bulge. Four alternating punches of equal strength followed, lifting the boy into the air followed by a kick to the chin, and a spinning roundhouse to the chest that sent him skidding along the ground, head over feet, until he hit a tree (1).

Naruto stalked the barely conscious boy, flexing the claws that using the Kyuubi's chakra always gave him. Raising his arm, he was about to strike, when a voice stopped him.

"Hold on, Naruto, we need him alive." NB said inside his head.

'_I wasn't going to kill him,_' Naruto grumbled. '_-just knock him out._'

"I know, but with the Kyuubi's power, and how mad you are, you could still do it on accident."

'_Well, I can't not do something, it would completely ruin the image._' Naruto groaned back, before an image that made him grin appeared in his mind. '_You're a sick bastard, but when you're good, you're good._'

Slowly, Naruto lowered his poised to strike arm, bringing several sighs of relief, most notably from the formerly defiant Zaku. It was short lived, however, when Naruto reared back, and kicked the boy between the legs. Zaku shrieked loudly, before frothing at the mouth, and passing out from pain. Turning to the other two members of the Sound team, Naruto gave a sinister grin.

"Hey, mummy guy." Naruto called. "Give teme your scroll, and I'll let you come get your idiot, and walk away."

Dosu didn't have to be told twice.

888

Midday found the members of Team 7 in possession of both scrolls, and finally heading towards the Tower after giving Sasuke and Sakura a chance to rest. Naruto had no idea why they were just walking towards the tower, but figured that conserving enegry would probably be a good idea. They were about a ten minute walk from the tower, when Naruto sensed a hidden chakra signature, and drew his team up short. Searching, and finding the hidden ninja, Naruto turned to a bush that also happened to have a poorly constructed Genjutsu supplementing the hiding spot. Still, for a Genin, hiding from other Genin, it was enough to get the job done. Sadly for whoever this ambusher was, Naruto wasn't exactly a Genin.

"I know you're there hiding, so come on out." When he got no response, Naruto's eyes narrowed. "I don't know who you are, but if I have to drag you out of there, you won't like it."

To Naruto's shock, a redheaded girl with black glasses stumbled out of the bush. She had on a pair of shinobi pants, a battle kimono, and a pair of sandals. The fishnest top she wore beneath was just visible, and upon her brow was a headband that marked her as a Genin from Kusagakure.

'_Hmm, she looks familiar._' Naruto thought.

"She should." NB echoed in his head.

'_Really?_'

"Think deliciously long legs in criminally short shorts." Naruto gave a mental shrug. "Glasses and thighhighs." Again nothing rang a bell. "Ran with Sasuke until he tried to kill her during that Danzo fight."

'_Oh, Karin._' Naruto said, finally remembering. '_Kind of hard to think this little girl with the baby fat becomes the rather svelt young woman who told me my chakra made her nipples hard and tingly. I'm kind of disappointed that I ignored her at the time. Not nearly as much as ignoring Hinata, but a bit._'

Luckily, NB decided not to even start on his rant about how many different girls Naruto could have had a chance with if only he'd not been so hung up on Sakura. If he had, this chapter would have probably had to been broken in two.

"Truthfully, if she's anything like it's hinted in the manga, or especially the way she's portrayed in fanfiction, I don't think you'd have known what to do with a girl like her."

"Probably not." Naruto said aloud, with a wide grin. "So, who are you, and what are you doing in the forest all by your lonesome?"

"My teammates went off to find a scroll, and left me here." She answered. "They told me to hide, and stay put, but that was yesterday."

What Karin didn't know, was that her teammates were assholes. Okay, so she knew that, but what she didn't know, was that being the assholes they were, they'd decided that they could be promoted later, and decided to cut their losses, namely her. That decided, it was only a second more before they'd decided to leave her in the deadly forest to fend for herself. Ironically enough, Karin is the only one from the team that would make it out of the forest alive.

"Well, you can come with us, we'll get you to the tower." Naruto said, before noticing her distrusting stare. "Come on, you can trust us."

Skepticism written all over her face, Karin placed her hand in the half ram seal, and began feeling out the group. After a few moments, she decided that they were at least sincere about helping her. The problem was, could they actually protect her if something happened. Switching the nature of her scan, she again measured the group. The pink haired girl had almost laughably small chakra stores, which was rather sad if she was truthful. The handsome dark haired boy had a pretty decent sized chakra for a kid too. It wasn't until she got to the blonde that she felt something amiss. It was like a spike of yummy ran through her entire body. He had easily the biggest chakra she'd ever felt, even larger than her own, and she was a freaking Uzumaki. Not only that, but it was so bright, warm, and inviting...and intoxicating. As she reveled in the feeling of the gigantic, warm chakra she soon lost herself to the feelings it evoked.

It wasn't until the girl started shaking, and moaning that they realized anything was happening. Karin's mouth dropped open a ways, and a bit of drool began to escape. When she opened her eyes, they were half rolled up into her head, and glazed over.

"Ch-chakra...so big. Mmm. So warm." The girl began panting, before Sakura swiftly knocked the girl out.

"You know what, I don't even want to know." Shrugging, Naruto picked Karin up, and got Sakura to help situate the girl onto his back.

"Okay team, let's get the hell outta here." That decided, the trio decided to head for the tower at a run.

888

"What's this I hear about you meeting Orochimaru in the forest?" Kakashi asked, almost as soon as Iruka led the trio into the waiting area set up for teams that made it early.

"It was really creepy, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto said. "He kept complimenting Sasuke and I, then he said he wanted Sasuke, and gave him a hickey, before running off. I don't know what the protocol for things like this is, but I'd suggest getting Sasuke some therapy. That was traumatizing enough to watch, I can't even imagine how bad it must have been to experience."

"I'll see what I can do, Naruto." Kakashi said, walking away, incredibly disturbed by what he'd heard. It didn't help that memories of the man, and some of his questionable comments and actions- as well as two specific jutsu that Anko had used on him once- started to take on a decidedly different meaning. Sasuke wasn't the only one who was going to need therapy.

As he watched his sensei walk away, he decided to let that little tidbit play out, and hopefully circulate as much as it could. If it became well known that Orochimaru gave Sasuke a hickey, it would certainly drive Sasuke far away from even considering going to the man for power. With that taken care of, Naruto began the most important task of these exams...locating his younger hime, so that he could spend some time with her. Since they weren't allowed to leave the tower until the prelims were over, it was just the two of them until then.

888

It didn't take Naruto long at all to find Hinata, and the pair began regailing each other with their tales of the forest. Hinata, great girl that she was, gasped, laughed, and all those other reactions to an adventurous tale, in all the right places. It was one of the reasons he always loved telling her stories about his missions. Her reactions were always so genuine and interested that he'd rarely embellished the tales. As it would happen, the pair was walking hand in hand through the lounge area while Hinata told him about how her team had stumbled upon a confrontation involving the team from Sand, when who should they stumble upon, but that very same team.

Naruto stared in shock at the freakishly attractive girl who he knew was a genderbended Gaara. Naruto was thanking his lucky stars that she was clothed, but in all honesty, it didn't do nearly enough to diminish the cuteness. As a matter of fact, the outfit that Gaara had chosen- and if he did, Gaara could certainly make a career dressing up kunoichi- only seemed to enhance the decidedly lovely features of his Oiroke. She was donned in what looked to be a thin, white sweatshirt with long blue sleeves, a blue, grey, and white skirt with criss crossed stripes, black leggings, and feminine sandals (2).

Hinata also stared at the frightfully cute girl standing in front of her. Haku-nee had told her about what happened, as well as the small joke she'd made about it. While she doubted that Naruto-sama would be genderbending attractive boys into girls to join their family, the question of how many more would join was shockingly valid- not that Naruto would go looking. The simple fact was that Naruto-sama's personality and natural charisma was such that it would draw girls to him like moths to a flame. Sure, the girls their age in Konoha weren't an issue, but as they grew older, and others were exposed to Naruto's amazingness while on missions outside the village, there was definitely going to be other girls becoming smitten with him.

And that didn't even count the Konoha girls that might suddenly decide that Naruto was worth something now that someone else wanted him, and he was unavailable. Sakura's opinion of him had certainly changed since team assignments.

"Uh, Gaara, you're taking this turn into a girl thing a bit far don't you think?" Naruto asked, not sure he really wanted an answer.

"I used this instead of killing, and I got stuck." Gaara replied stoically. "I had to make do."

Naruto shrugged, since he couldn't really fault him for that. "Well, I guess we better see about getting you turned back, then."

Half an hour later, Gaara was sitting in a massive sealing array, with numerous seals written all over his torso. Surrounding him were Gaara's teammates, their sensei, his sensei, and the Hokage. Of course, in the interest of preserving Gaara's feminine modesty, only he had been allowed in the room while he was drawing the seals; though Naruto had insisted that Gaara put his clothes back on once the ink had dried.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Temari asked. "Regardless of how much he scares me sometimes, or how traumatizingly sexy his current form is, Gaara is still my little brother."

"Don't worry, this seal was specifically designed for this kind of problem," Naruto said. "-although, I will admit that I haven't really had a chance to do more than a few tests. Don't worry, he'll be fine, and back to normal in no time."

"Naruto, are you just pulling a random seal out of your ass, and hoping that I deal with it?" NB's voice echoed in his head.

"_Actually, this seal was in my family scroll._" Naruto said. "_Why they had a reversal seal for accidental genderbending in the family scroll, I don't know- and to be honest, I really don't want to know- but there was, and since they were seal experts, I figure it should work._"

"And you call me sick and twisted." NB teased. "The implications of that jutsu, and the reason why it was needed in the first place says a lot about your heritage."

'_Why do I get the extremely odd feeling that one of my great-grandads on my mom's side gave birth to one of my other great-grandparents, and his wife was the father of the baby?_'

"To be honest, if the circumstances of your birth hadn't actually been put into the series, I'd have been willing to bet your mom knocked up your dad using some kind of family genderbending jutsu."

Not wanting to think about that, especially since what he'd learned of his mother says that it was very much a possibility, Naruto quickly ran through the required seals, and placed a hand on the top of the seated Gaara's head. The seals on the floor began to glow brightly until the spectators were forced to cover their eyes. The seals on Gaara's body began to rapidly move about, before being absorbed into his skin. Then, with a mighty flash, it was over. Of course, given the fact that this is Naruto we're talking about, and the fact that the author of this fic should be in a padded cell, things didn't go exactly as planned.

While the seal had done its job, and Gaara was once again male, the way in which the seal decided to resolve the situation was about as far from what they were expecting as could be. Instead of of two preteen boys sitting within the now blackened seal array, there were two preteen boys, and a teenage girl. Further tests would prove that the boy from Suna was his normal self- Shukaku and all- while the girl- who basically looked like what Gaara had before Naruto had performed the sketchy seal- seemed to be more along the lines of a female version of what Gaara was like after his demon had been removed three years into the future. The really freaky part, was that she appeared wearing an exact copy of what Gaara was wearing.

The young woman was a rather interesting source of entertainment they would find. While she may have looked like a female version of post timeskip Gaara (or Gaara's Oiroke), she still had the pretimeskip Gaara's personality, blunt stoicism and all, though thankfully even less homicidally inclined than Gaara was unless severely annoyed (or receiving a visit from Aunt Flo). To Kankurou's horror, she told him point blank that she didn't like him for some reason that she couldn't explain, slapped him, and told him her gut said he deserved it.

As he looked on at the odd family spectacle, Naruto considered telling Gaara that he probably shouldn't use the Oiroke anymore, at least until he could figure out why Gaara got stuck, but then realized that would be a mistake. Without the Oiroke to make people bleed, Gaara might decide to fall back on old habits, which would be a bad thing. Luckily, with the recent separation, Gaara didn't have to worry about getting stuck anymore. Gaara finally brought the group's attention back to him when he spoke.

"If you will excuse me, I will go change." Gaara said. "Women's clothing is very uncomfortable with boy parts."

"Naruto, how is this possible?" Sarutobi nearly screamed, after the group from Sand had left.

"I-I don't know." Naruto said, shocking Kakashi and Sarutobi.

"No plothole excuse?" Kakashi teased.

"I don't think even a plothole could do something like this, Kakashi-sensei." He then thought. '_Speaking of, what the hell? I know that you messed with that seal._'

"I did, and the reason why was indecision." NB stated distractedly. "I couldn't decide whether I wanted to fully genderbend Gaara and make him chase a Konoha guy, or have regular Gaara go back to Suna and torment his village with Oiroke, and I didn't want to waste any of the potential insanity either could provide. This will give me the chance to explore both avenues if I so choose, and it makes it more amusing for me."

'_You are a seriously sick, twisted bastard._' Naruto grumbled in his head.

"Thank you."

'_Again, not a compliment._'

888

Three days later found the teams that had passed standing before the Hokage listening to him give his speech. The first time he'd heard it, he hadn't really been paying attention, but now he better understood how the Chuunin Exams were a substitute for war. Naruto did find it amusing that for all the substitution for war it was supposed to be, killing in the exams was still mostly frowned upon, even if it was allowed. Finally, the chronically ill proctor arrived, and after Kabuto again backed out like a bitch, the first match was called.

"Will Sasuke Uchiha and Akado Yoroi please step forward?" He said through a coughing fit. "Everyone else head up to the balcony, and wait until you're called."

As Naruto settled to watch, he knew this was going to be a quick match. Sasuke had beaten the boy fairly easily the first time around, and that had been with a taijutsu only handicap because of the Curse Seal. Without it, and with access to both his Sharingan and his jutsu, it wouldn't last long. Moments later, Naruto was proven correct, and surprisingly with the same move. Naruto did have to admit that it was highly amusing watching the shocked look on Orochimaru's face when he found he couldn't influence, effect, or toy with Sasuke during his match.

"Nice one, teme." Naruto called. "But if you had lost to that guy, I'd have never let you forget it."

"Tch, as if I'd lose here." He shot back, as he made his way to the balcony. Anything else he was going to say was overwhelmed when Ino squeed loud enough to make nearly everyone wince, and Akamaru cry in pain.

"Kyaaa! Sasuke-kun!"

"The next match will be Shino Aburame versus Zaku Abumi."

Much to Naruto's amusement, the match went exactly as he thought it would. Zaku took every chance he could to try and hit Shino with his air vents, and Shino completely embarrassed him. It wasn't long before Zaku again made the mistake of underestimating Shino, and blew his arms off from the forearm down. As he was being carted off of to the medical area, Naruto chuckled.

"Yup, that's about what I expected to happen when he was paired up against Shino." Naruto said. "One trick pony through and through, just like the rest of his teammates. Good one, Shino."

All he received in reply was a nod of acceptance.

Naruto mostly ignored the Kankurou/Misumi match. The likelihood that he'd face either of them any time soon was small, and he already knew how to deal with both of them should he face them. The match followed much the same pattern as it did the last time. Once Kankurou had been declared the winner, the random match generator started moving again.

"The next match will be Sakura Haruno versus Ino Yamanaka."

Predictably, both girls stared at each other in shock, before turning to Sasuke, and developing masks of determination. As the two girls stood across from one another, taunting each other- Sasuke's name being heavily involved with each insult- Naruto gave a sigh.

"This is going to be sad." Sasuke said.

"Why do you say that?" Kakashi asked, though he was fairly sure he knew the reason.

"Kakashi-sensei, Sakura's only learned three new abilities since we've been a team- tree climbing, water walking, and that Genjutsu you used on her during the bell test. I highly doubt that Ino can even claim that much. Both of them were fangirls of the worst sort, so they aren't likely to be capable of much anyway. Thankfully their reserves are so small, so this should be over quickly."

Lee, who was standing nearby, frowned. "That is a most unyouthful thing to say about your teammate."

"True, but it's also sadly the truth." Naruto admitted. "Now I'll admit that Sakura has finally gotten her head out of her ass, and is finally taking this job seriously, but that decision came far too late to be of any help to her in these exams. Funny thing, if we'd have had another month before exams started, this would have probably been a massacre in Sakura's favor."

The match really was a sad affair, following the exact same circumstances as the time before. The first time around, Naruto had happily cheered for Sakura, thinking that she was showing everyone how much she'd grown, even if it wasn't all that much. Older, wiser, and more aware of both Ino's and Sakura's abilities, Naruto found himself disappointed in Sakura. He hadn't been kidding when he'd said a month more of training would have made this a massacre in Sakura's favor. The thing is, even without that month of training, Sakura still should have won decisively.

At this point, the only new abilities that Ino had picked up were the Shintenshin no Jutsu. Between the many different strategies she could have utilized based off of tree climbing, as well as the Genjutsu that Kakashi had used, Sakura had everything she needed to beat Ino. Right off the top of his head, she could have used the tree climbing exercise to take shots at Ino from a distance she couldn't reach, and then used the Genjutsu. Ino was as big a Sasuke fangirl as Sakura was- even bigger given the slight disillusionment Sakura had been suffering the past few weeks- so being put under a Genjutsu similar to what she'd suffered would have easily dropped Ino like a bad habit.

"I'm glad that's over." Naruto said with a sigh as the two girls knocked each other out. "No offense, but that match made Konoha kunoichi look like a joke."

Turning back to the Temari/Tenten match that was already in progress, Naruto frowned. There was something about this match that he remembered not liking. He couldn't remember what it was offhand, so just decided to wait and see. As the match progressed, he couldn't help feel sorry for Tenten. Even though he was pleasantly surprised that Tenten had gotten in some good hits using the senbon training from Haku, Naruto still knew how this was going to end. It really was the worst possible match up for Tenten.

It wasn't until Tenten was descending from the blonde Suna nin's wind attack that Naruto remembered what it was that had severely annoyed him. Unfortunately, he was too late to stop what was going to happen, and winced when the brunette landed back first on the older girl's fan. Now while he couldn't stop that, he could do something about what came next. As the blonde violently flicked Tenten from her fan, Naruto concentrated on his chakra.

The smirking blonde's face registered shock when her formerly flying opponent suddenly stopped as if caught in a blanket of air, and began to simply float in mid air. She was even more shocked when the little blond kid appeared right next to the girl in a swirl of leaves. It was a testament to his annoyance that he didn't even bother trying to spice his Shunshin up.

"Bad form, blondie." Naruto said from next to the floating Tenten. "I guess my initial assessment of your group was wrong, and _Gaara_ is the only shinobi with any common decency that the Sand village sent for these exams. I thought you were a lady of class and dignity, but you're just an arrogant bully like that kabuki reject teammate of yours who tried to pick on the Hokage's eight year old grandson."

Said redhead cocked his head in interest. He'd never been compared to his siblings and been labeled the good one before. Gaara found that he rather liked that. Kankurou winced as several different blasts of killing intent were leveled at him, two of them Kage level interestingly enough. What he didn't know, was that Orochimaru planned to flay him alive if his bullying antics had jeopardized his plans for Konoha in any way. Even his own sensei was glaring at him for potentially causing an international incident that couldn't be excused or swept under the rug. Foreign shinobi attacking a civilian child was punishable by death no matter what village you were in, and the offending shinobi's village almost always had to pay restitutions on top of that.

"What do you know?" Temari asked, inwardly bristling at the slight.

"I know that if you had been given as bad a match up as she had, you'd have lost just as quickly." Naruto said. "So you might want to consider yourself lucky you didn't get such an unfavorable pairing before you start bragging about a situation that was entirely in your favor. I can easily see four match-ups just with the people that's left, that you'd have no chance of winning."

"You talk too much, kid." Temari taunted, curious despite herself.

"And you better hope that we don't meet in the finals, because I'm going to embarrass you even worse than you tried to do to Tenten. And that is a promise." Naruto said.

When Shikamaru Nara and Kin Tsuchi were called to the arena, Naruto gave a bored sigh. Sure, watching Lee grumble over not being able to fight yet was amusing, but it wasn't that funny.

This was another match Naruto didn't have to see to know who would win. In his old life, Kin had seen Shikamaru fight in the forest, so knew what to expect to an extent. That allowed her to draw the match out for as long as she did, and even then it was an incredibly short fight. With her not knowing anything about him, well, this was another one that was over fairly quickly.

Not even bothering to watch, Naruto turned to his sensei, and said. "It kind of sucks, but I can't fight who I really want to fight."

"Why's that?"

"Not enough space in the tower, and too much potential for collateral damage that I can't afford to pay to replace."

"And just who is it you were hoping to fight?" Kakashi asked.

"Either Lee or Gaara." Naruto replied. Kakashi shrugged, agreeing that there would very likely be a lot of collateral damage if Naruto fought Lee. He didn't know much about how Gaara fought, but figured that Naruto was probably right, and that he'd happily cause enough damage for the both of them.

It took all of five minutes for Shikamaru to capture and incapacitate the Sound Genin, and three of that had been spent with her running her mouth. After Shikamaru was declared the winner- and annoyingly took his sweet time returning to the balcony- the time Naruto was waiting for arrived.

"The next match is...Naruto Uzumaki versus Kiba Inuzuka!"

"Finally!" Naruto exclaimed. "It's about time."

"We hit the jackpot with this one, eh Akamaru?" Kiba boasted. "We can definitely beat him. It's like we've already won the match."

"This guy really doesn't understand who he's dealing with, does he?" Sakura asked her sensei.

"Given what Naruto was like when you graduated, are you surprised?" Kakashi asked. "Besides, it'll just make things more entertaining for us who know Naruto."

'_Kiba, you should never underestimate your opponent._' Kurenai thought. '_Even if he was a complete loser as you say, he's been Kakashi's student for over half a year, and that should be more than enough for you to take him seriously. Apparently, this is a lesson that you will have to learn for yourself._'

The first sign that Kiba should have heeded that it wouldn't be an easy victory- aside from what he'd done with Tenten which really should have been a eye opener- came mere seconds after their match was announced. With a simple half tiger seal, Naruto disappeared in a swirl of displaced air.

Less than a second after Naruto disappeared, the somewhat gruff voice of Temari echoed from the balcony. "Why do I feel a draft?

The answer to that question, as well as the answer to why others were noticing the same thing came milli-moments later when Naruto appeared in the arena amidst a flurry of panties. Now one might be wondering why the panties swirled when he appeared, rather than when he disappeared. Well, let's just chalk it up to Naruto being so unpredictable, that he even surprises himself sometimes.

Not surprisingly, there was pandemonium.

"Are those my panties?!" Ino shrieked.

Tenten and Kin, both with widened eyes, pulled out the front waistbands of their pants, and in shock exclaimed said shock nearly simultaneously. "SONNUVA-!" "How'd he do that?!"

It was also about this time, that some random shinobi who was far too observant for their own good- and who would likely be killed off, off screen during the invasion- decided to speak up. "Hey, aren't you two supposed to be unconscious in the infirmary right now?"

Tenten and Kin- who just so happened to be standing next to each other- turned to the other with abashed looks on their faces. "Ehehe, oops!" Tenten spoke. "Right, we'll just be going now."

And with that, they both disappeared in a swirl of senbon, and weren't thought about very much for the rest of the prelims by those in the testing area.

It was about this time that Sakura made an interesting discovery. Unlike the other women in the room, she still had her panties on. Now one might think she'd be glad for this, but in actuality, she was feeling oddly left out, especially when she noticed how hard Sasuke was staring at the garments surrounding Naruto. '_How come he didn't take mine?_' She couldn't help asking.

The simple answer was, he didn't think she'd appreciate it. And since she was his teammate, and even somewhat becoming a close friend, Naruto decided that he wasn't going to include her in his pranks anymore. Subconsciously, the Shunshin picked up on these intentions, and neglected to take Sakura's panties. Now as for why he took Hinata's, since she obviously means more to him, well, he knew how she'd react to it.

Hinata gasped as she felt a distinct lack of fabric between her pants and her lower naughty bits. It was no surprise that her face turned almost as red as a fire engine. "N-Naruto-sama...h-has my..." She only just kept from fainting with excitement. Although, she did express it in another, potentially more embarrassing way.

"Oh my, is it drafty in here?" Anko crooned, leering at damn near everyone to see who was looking at the flimsy string she tried to pass off as panties. Hey 'Ruka-kun liked them so she couldn't give two shits about anyone else's opinion. Besides, they weren't anything she'd wear on a mission, or even on duty, but around the village on her days off, well, why not?

Naruto, who was surprisingly embarrassed, looked down, and noticed a rather interesting pair. Picking them up by the waistband, Naruto stared shocked at a pair of black panties with a dancing tanuki on them. "Uh, whose are these?" Naruto asked, hoping he was wrong.

The freakishly cute redhead standing next to Gaara did a similar check to two unconscious kunoichi that will not be named, before raising her hand. The kabuki reject standing next to her sputtered wide eyed.

"What?" She snapped at the brother that she really disliked for some reason she still couldn't explain. "They're cute."

"Well, at least you're wearing clothes." Naruto muttered just a bit too loudly. "You make a disturbingly hot girl."

Both Gaara and his pseudo twin blushed. Sadly, this was more than Kankurou could take. "H-He...S-SHE...THEY BLUSHED!" He screamed, right before he fainted with spastic twitch.

Not exactly sure how he knew- though almost certain of the suspect that had funneled the information- Naruto noticed that there were too few pairs of panties. "Hmm, the number of underthings doesn't match the number of girls here, someone's going commando."

To everyone's shock, the extremely straight laced Kurenai was the one who developed shifty eyes, and began nervously shuffling behind her student. Her actions didn't go unnoticed.

"S-sensei?" Hinata asked her mentor/mother figure in shock, and somewhat awe at her audacity.

"M-my washing machine is acting up." Kurenai protested.

"Oooooh, and in that outfit too." Anko teased her best friend while licking her lips. "Naughty, naughty Nai-chan."

Now, it may come as a shock to you, or maybe not, but Neji wasn't even _tempted_ to activate his Byakugan. With all of the distractions pulling attention away from him, it was the perfect chance for an eye feast. Now one could make all sorts of comments about his sexuality- or even his lack thereof- but I'd like to call it dedication. I mean, he'd have to seriously, seriously be dedicated to his hatred of all things Main House to ignore a chance at a free peak- especially a peek at commando going Kurenai's goodies. But I digress.

Before anyone could comment further, a pair of panties suddenly dropped onto Naruto's head, coming by way of flying missle from the infimary. Pulling them from his head, Naruto found himself holding a very familiar pair of sky blue, lace panties. Unbidden, thoughts of the day he'd accidentally walked in on Haku while she was dressing came to his mind. Seeing a completely nude Haku nearly bent at the waist, with a pair of panties around her ankles was not a sight he'd soon forget. Hell, it wasn't something he'd ever forget.

In the infimary, and unsure just how she knew her boyfriend was the culprit, Haku suddenly gasped in aroused indignation. "Naruto-sama!"

Zabuza, who was standing against a far wall- on security detail- raised his hairless brow. He didn't know what had sparked that exclamation, but from the way it sounded, and his daughter's very deep blush, he could guess. Only Naruto could make her happy, indignant, and mildly aroused at the same time.

"Just make sure you don't end up pregnant before you turn 18." After thinking about it for a second, he ammended that statement. "On second thought, make it twenty. I'm not about to be the father of a teenage mother. It looks bad, and will call my already questionable parenting further into question."

Back in the arena, Naruto apologized for the accidental panty theft, and with two random seals, called. "Return Panties to Owners no Jutsu."

Surprisingly, no one called him on what was obviously a bullshit jutsu, lending further credit to what that Chuunin had told the Sand team when they'd arrived at the tower- as if his Shunshin hadn't done that already. Unfortunately for the girls and women, while the jutsu sent the panties back to their owners, it did not put them back on. Naruto was good, but he wasn't that good. Naruto didn't fail to notice that three pairs of panties- disturbingly enough a pair of grannies with a musical note on them- heading in the direction of the infirmary.

What this ended up doing, was letting everyone get a glimpse at who was wearing which pair of naughties as the undergarments returned to their owners. While Naruto found some of them quite predictable (Hinata's cute blue ones with an even cuter dancing koala and Anko's flimsy string), there were others that were a complete shock, like Ino's leopard print thong and Temari's rather risque choice. Speaking of...

Baki and Gaara stared blankly at Temari in shock when a lace g-string collided with her chest.

"Those are...nice." Fem!gaara said, tilting her head cutely.

"I think I just entered puberty." Gaara muttered squirming. "And something tells me that I should feel very disturbed by that fact."

Baki, who was palming his face, added. "I feel like a dirty old man about now."

"Oh god, I'll never live this down." Temari groaned, thankful that at least Kankurou was still unconscious. Maybe she should have taken that blond a little more seriously when he said he'd humiliate her.

Ironically enough, Naruto not taking her panties worked in Sakura's favor. When he noticed the lack of garments flying towards Sakura, Sasuke turned wide eyes to his female teamate. Sakura blushed under the intense scrutiny of her crush, never knowing the very wrong conclusions he'd drawn, and that her potential stock had just risen out of the definitely never column, into the potentially considered.

Noticing that Kiba was too busy staring at the numerous pairs of visible panties- as well as their owners- to join him for the match, Naruto decided to help him along. "Come on dog boy, I don't have all day." With a burst of chakra, Naruto force shunshined Kiba down to the floor in an identical swirl of undies. Only this time, it was the men feeling the lack of garment.

"Ugh, gross." Kiba said pulling a pair of tighty whities with the Hyuuga symbol on them from his head.

"Oooh, he's good." Anko said, grinning widely. Naruto pulled a face at the pile of garments, until a particular pair on the top caught his attention, and distracted his disgust. Pulling a pair of tongs from a conveniently placed plothole, Naruto lifted a bikini style thong with the Hatake clan symbol on the crotch.

"Kakashi-sensei?" He asked, freaked out from far more information about his sensei than he wanted to know.

Feeling all eyes on him, Kakashi shrugged. "They're a rental?" Naruto raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Plothole?"

"Works for me." Naruto said, shrugging. Plothole meant that Kakashi didn't have to explain it, and he wouldn't have to think about it.

In the midst of all of the craziness, Shikamaru was unsurprising the only person to notice that all of this insanity had happened before Naruto's match had even started. If this was the kind of chaos he was capable of creating beforehand, something told him that things were only going to get more interesting, and Shika didn't do Naruto's kind of interesting. He was suddenly not liking Kiba's chances at winning, and a strong gut instinct told him that he was going to be severely scarred for life by the time this match ended.

Once the undergarments had been cleared from the arena, the match was finally ready to start. Just to mess with his opponent, Naruto decided to open the battle the same way as last time.

"Hey, are you going to let that puppy fight?" Naruto asked, his tone accusing.

"Akamaru and I-" Naruto interrupted him.

"Hush Kiba-chan, Akamaru and I are talking." The blond chastized. "Didn't your mother teach you not to interrupt when grown ups are speaking? Bad puppy." He then addressed the little white companion. "Now, as I was trying to say, are you sure you want to let that puppy fight, Akamaru? It's not very responsible of you."

"I'll show you puppy, Dobe." Kiba spat. "Akamaru, you stay out of this, I'll beat him alone."

Up in the balcony, Sasuke glared at the Inuzuka for daring to steal his name for the Dobe. He hoped Naruto humiliated the usurper, in a fitting fashion.

As the proctor raised his hand, a voice from the balcony yelled. "Naruto, don't you dare lose to this guy!"

"Tch, I'll save you the embarrassment of trying to fight by ending this in one shot." Kiba boasted.

"Tough talk from the weak link of a pair of puppies." Naruto replied.

"Cough...begin." Hayate said.

"Shikyaku no Jutsu!" Kiba growled, drawing chakra, and gaining a more feral canine appearance. The adjustment was very minute, but every Jounin level shinobi in the room saw Naruto's shift in stance. Perhaps this would be more interesting than they'd been led to believe. Kakashi smirked behind his mask. Kiba has no idea what he's in for.

Darting across the short expanse, Kiba struck Naruto, sending him flying backwards, landing with a thud. "Heh, he won't be opening his eyes for awhile referee."

"I knew it." Ino said, smirking, and just a bit disappointed. "Naruto could never beat Kiba."

Sakura glared over at her rival for speaking ill of her teammate. Naruto was better than this- she'd seen him hold his own against Sasuke and Haku after all, and the the latter was much faster than Kiba- and she was sure there was a reason he'd taken that hit. '_Besides, he's taken harder hits from much stronger shinobi than Kiba._'

'_Hmm, forgot how fast he was when he went all mutt._' Naruto thought, looking at the bottom of the balcony. '_Still, nothing I can't handle. I just need to get my timing down._'

Climbing to his feet with a groan, Naruto grinned at the dognin. "Is that all you got?"

"What?" The boy said, shocked that Naruto had gotten up.

"Don't underestimate me, Kiba." Naruto said. "Seriously, even if he hasn't taught me very much, the simple fact that I _was_ trained by Kakashi Hatake should mean that I'm not a pushover."

"What are you talking about?" Kiba spat. "I knocked you on your ass before you could even blink, and you're acting tough."

"I let you hit me to test your strength and speed, you mangy mutt. Have to say I'm a little disappointed; though I guess it is a bit unfair to compare you to your very sexy sister, let alone that MILF you call a mom. Maybe you should just go on and use Akamaru."

Smirking, Kiba crouched again, and charged his blond opponent. Naruto just stood there, not reacting to Kiba's attack in the slightest. Then suddenly, at the last second, Naruto disappeared. In his place just so happened to be a dozen or so foot long dog biscuits. Coming out of his Shunshin, Naruto gave Kiba a foxy grin.

"I told you not to underestimate me, dogbreath." Naruto declared. "Why don't you go have a bone?" Glaring at the snickers coming from the Konoha section at the dog biscuits, Kiba growled in anger.

"Fine, you'll regret this." Kiba boasted, grabbing a couple of smoke balls, and throwing them at Naruto.

Coughing up a storm, Naruto ran from the cloud, only to be attacked by Akamaru. "Ha, fell for it."

Kiba's confidence was short lived, however, when Akamaru bit down on what he thought was Naruto, and his opponent disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"What, Kage Bunshin?" Shikamaru said. "I guess he's really not that Naruto, anymore."

Not knowing what to do, the puppy ran back to his partner, and looked on. When the smoke finally cleared, Naruto stood there smirking. "My turn."

Mimicking the seals he'd seen Kiba use, Naruto called. "Shikyaku no Jutsu!" Like Kiba, Naruto was using his chakra to become more feral, but he wasn't using the Inuzuka clan jutsu. While the upper level ninja could tell this, the Genin couldn't, which made it look all the more impressive. Going down on all fours, Naruto darted across the arena even faster than Kiba had, and elbowed him in the chest, sending him ass over foot.

Grinning at the struggling to his feet Kiba, Naruto taunted. "If you're going to get serious, now would be the time to do so."

"Fine, if that's what you want." Kiba said climbing to his feet, feeding a soldier pill to Akamaru, and taking one himself. When Kiba squatted down and placed his hands in the tiger seal, Akamaru jumped onto his back. "Juujin Bunshin!" He yelled as Akamaru turned into a clone of himself.

"Ugh, ugly times two." Naruto said. "That's awfully mean of you Kiba, making Akamaru look like you. I thought Inuzuka were supposed to care about their partners like family."

Naruto heard several half aborted snorts and snickers of amusement, as did Kiba. "You'll pay for that."

With that, Kiba and Akamaru went on the attack. Naruto knew from their previous fight, that Kiba was hoping to catch him off guard, preferably in the air for the Gatsuuga, but Naruto wasn't about to make it easy for him. Unfortunately, Kiba hadn't really needed Naruto to make it easy for him- and Naruto going airborne the first time had only made his job easier- and caught him with a clever feint. Naruto learned a lesson at that moment...never underestimate your opponent, even if you know how a fight was supposed to go.

With a cry of, "Gatsuuga!", Kiba caught Naruto with his ultimate taijutsu attack.

Naruto screamed as the attack hit. He'd forgotten how much it hurt when you got hit full bore with it. Crashing to the ground, Naruto groaned in pain at all of the cuts and abrasions that attack had caused. Sure, they'd probably all be healed by the time he got home that evening, but they still hurt like a sonuva.

"Get up, Naruto!" Sakura yelled.

Climbing to his hands and knees, Naruto began to mutter. "Can't lose to the mutt...will become Hokage."

"Someone as weak as you become the Hokage?!" Kiba bragged. "You don't really think you can become a Hokage, do you?! Stop acting like you're tough. You know what, if you want a Hokage, I'll be one."

Naruto visibly stiffened at that, before a low growl enamated from him. Still, Kiba wasn't finished, and what he said next would bring about the end of any momentum that might have gone his way.

"You're such a loser, Naruto." Kiba spat as Naruto climbed to his feet. "It's not fair that someone like you can get a girl with a great rack like Hinata." A sudden, dark aura fell over Naruto.

"Are you telling me you saw my Hinata-chan's boobs?" He asked, tone venomous.

Up on the balcony, Hinata swooned hearing Naruto refer to her as _his_ Hinata-chan. It seemed like Haku-nee was right about calling him Naruto-sama, after all. While he'd always made insinuations that she was his girlfriend, or something similar, it wasn't until after he came back from Wave, and she started calling him Naruto-_sama_ that he'd well and truly claimed her. This was the first time that Hinata could remember Naruto-sama claiming her in such a way, so publicly though. Uh oh, she needed to calm herself, or she was going to have another accident. As those tended to be quite messy, and Haku had admonished her greatly for doing that in the presence of someone other than herself or Naruto, she had to make sure she kept calm.

"Meh, I accidentally saw her at the hotsprings with that other super hottie you're dating when I was trying to play a trick on my sister." Kiba said, not really thinking. "So I decided not to waste the opportunity, even if I did accidentally scar myself seeing Hana."

"Haku-chan?" Naruto asked, leaking KI. "You peeped on Haku-chan too?"

"Yeah, that's her name?" Kiba asked. "She was a bit skinny for my taste, but she was still gorgeous in the face, and had a pretty nice rack too. Wait, that was that other girlfriend of yours, right? I thought she looked familiar." Naruto's KI tripled.

Naruto knew that because of their close connection with dogs, and because of some instinct based issues resulting from this connection, that certain things regarding the Inuzuka had to be forgiven, because they literally couldn't help themselves sometimes. Accidentally seeing Haku or Hinata, okay a mistake, he'd let it go, because really, it could happen to anyone. Not to mention Anko didn't care one way or another if guys peeped on her, so long as they didn't try to touch and didn't do anything to disturb whatever it was she was being watched do. But blatantly staring at Hinata and Haku, and then speaking so negatively of the latter...no forgiveness was forthcoming here. As a matter of fact, playtime was over.

"Kiba-chan has been a bad puppy!" Naruto growled. "Now I have to whip you like a bad dog." Up on the balcony, Kurenai turned to Kakashi with a worried look on her face.

"Am I about to lose a student, Kakashi?" She asked.

"Normally, I'd say no, as Naruto isn't the type for senseless violence." He said. "However, I've noticed that Naruto is deadly protective of those he cares about," Kakashi decided not to add 'when he's not mercilessly teasing them'. "-and Hinata and Haku are his girlfriends, making the two very important friends, so I'd wager that he's become overly protective of them. I hope you didn't get too attached."

"Akamaru, if you're the brains of this outfit like I think you are, then I'd suggest you go up and sit with Hinata-chan until this is over." The dog looked at Naruto, then at Kiba, then back at Naruto, then back at Kiba. With what amounted to a shrug, Akamaru grabbed one of the massive biscuits littering the floor, and ran up the steps to Hinata, dragging his treat with him.

"Akamaru?!" Kiba yelled. "You traitor!"

"Smart dog." Sakura said, to which Sasuke nodded. He'd been on the receiving end of Naruto taking offense to one of his comments about Sakura, and Naruto liked Hinata and Haku waaaaay more than he did Sakura. This was about to get both ugly, and entertaining.

"You know what, it doesn't matter." Kiba boasted. "I'll do it without Akamaru. Take this, Shikyaku no Jutsu!"

Whatever they were expecting, what happened next wasn't it. As Kiba charged, Naruto reached into his equipment pouch. When Kiba got within striking distance of Naruto, the blond pulled something from his pouch and tossed it to the ground. Kiba, thinking that Naruto had used a smokebomb, immediately channeled chakra to his nose so that he'd still be able to find Naruto by his scent...and immediately regretted it.

You see, Naruto hadn't thrown a smoke bomb, but a stinkbomb. And not just any kind of stinkbomb. No, it was one he'd created using the sludge from the Konoha sewer system's septic tanks. So while yes, everyone was forced to suffer the wrath of the septic smell, Kiba got hit with it worse than anyone could conceive.

"How do you like my new super concentrated stinkbomb, mutt?" Naruto taunted. "I was going to use it to prank someone, but I thought you might appreciate it more."

Kiba grabbed his nose, stumbling away, and groaning in pain as his eyes watered from the suffering one obtained from sniffing a septic tank with a sense of smell over a thousand times normal. Bent at the waist with his back turned to Naruto was the wrong position for Kiba to be in at the moment, as a wicked gleam entered Naruto's eyes. Just because he knew it would annoy people, Naruto decided to take a page from his sensei's book.

"A shinobi should never let an enemy get behind them." Naruto called while taking a very familiar stance to the Hyuuga. "You are within range of my divination. Leaf Ancient Supreme Technique!"

Racing towards his opponent, Naruto placed his hands in the Tiger seal, and with momentum on his side, jabbed them forward. "Sennen Goroshi!"

Kiba screamed in pain as he was launched into the air. Without so much as a flinch two Kage Bunshin appeared, and with a single seal, they transformed into a giant newspaper. As Kiba descended from his flight, clutching his rear, Naruto cocked the giant paper back, and swung. THWACK!

"This is for peeping on Haku and Hinata. BAD PUPPY!" Naruto yelled, as he whacked Kiba with his weapon, sending him rolling along the floor, right into another waiting clone who'd just appeared.

"Sennen Goroshi!" The cloned yelled, again hitting Kiba with the painful probe, and sending him airborne. "And that was for implying that Haku-chan, or even Hinata-chan, are anything less than absolutely beautiful."

'_That move is a lot funnier when it's being done to someone else._' Sasuke thought. '_But it still brings back bad memories._'

Embarrassed, Kakashi chanced a glance around to see if anyone was glaring at him. Thankfully, it was only Iruka; everyone else seemed more amused by the entire thing, though he did noticed the Hokage palming his face. He also just so happened to notice something else.

"Hey Kurenai, you might want to restrain your little genin." He said to his fellow sensei. "She looks like she wants to rape Naruto."

Surprised at her students behavior, even as subtle as it was, Kurenai couldn't help jibing back. "I don't know, it might do some good for her confidence." It should be noted that even as she replied, she grabbed a hold of Hinata's jacket. The look on the girl's face told exactly how she was feeling at the moment.

The prevailing thought in Hinata's mind at that moment was. '_Must have Naruto-sama immediately. Must hug him, and kiss him, and take off his pants...and then do things to the parts exposed by taking off his pants, followed by a cuddle with pantsless Naruto-sama._'

When she came out of her perverted trance a few minutes later, Hinata would be highly embarrassed at the thoughts that had run rampant through her mind. While she'd never take the sentiment back, and she fully expected to follow through on them in a few years, she was still currently not ready for that.

As Kiba crashed into the ground, Naruto decided to give him the final blow. With his hand in the seal for his favorite jutsu- he could only create up to five sealessly- Naruto created dozens of clones that surrounded the dognin in a sea of orange clad blonds. A final, single clone, appeared, joining Kiba inside the sea of orange.

Suddenly, the arena was filled with smoke, as all but one of the clones turned into miniature versions of the Kyuubi, each about the size that Akamaru would eventually grown to, and each with their heads cocked, sporting dementedly devious grins (3). The last clone, which had also performed its own transformation, had turned into an extremely pale skinned little girl. The little girl was wearing a faded, pale yellow sundress, a pair of bright red shoes, and had her hair done up in pigtails. She was also holding a jumprope that was nearly as tall as she was even folded.

The little girl tilted her head, staring curiously at Kiba, before she burst into a fit of insane giggles that disturbed even Orochimaru, and started skipping the jumprope she was holding. Once the girl had gotten her mirth under control, she cleared her throat. Just when the audience was beginning to wonder what the point of this exceedingly over the top show was, the little girl started to sing.

"_**1, 2 he's coming for you. 3, 4 better run for the door.**_" With each stanza, the girl's voice became progressively louder and more excited. "_**5, 6 Hafta Hide Real Quick. 7, 8 It's Far Too Late!**_"

Each skip of her rope also seemed to be bringing her ever closer to the dog-nin, until she was right upon him. Kiba, who was still kneeling on the ground- as that was as far as he'd gotten up before the freak show started- was too horrified to move, or to even contemplate fighting back. Suddenly, the jump rope clattered to the floor as the creepy little child leaned over so that her lips were right next to Kiba's ear.

"_9, 10 here comes the end!_"

The last bit was delivered in a whisper right next to Kiba's ear, but somehow the entire arena heard it. What made the whisper so much more frightening, was that it sounded more like a chorus of voices were singing in a whisper to him. With another demented giggle that sent chills up many spines, the girl disappeared in a puff of smoke.

One of the more disturbing elements of what Naruto was doing, just so happened to be the numerous Kyuubis. To most of the adults, the image was twofold. First, it was a harsh reminder of the most horrifying night of their lives, only in miniature. No one Naruto's age knew the true significance of it, but they didn't have to know to sympathize with the adults about the second highly disturbing part of the image. While the girl was singing, the Kyuubis were all swaying back and forth in rhythm to her singing, looking like an ocean of reddish-orange fur undulating in the arena.

The highly disturbed audience was distracted from these bouts of creepiness by the appearance of a rather ominous looking cloaked figure that suddenly appeared on the edge of the massive congregation of large foxes. In a further display of disturbia, the cloaked figure stepped forward, and the sea of foxes parted whereever the figure occupied space. A second step brought the figure- whom everyone assumed was Naruto- closer further parting the crowd, while the space left open behind him closed immediately. The effect was almost like dragging a stick through a pool of water; and considering the beings creating the effect, it was decidedly scarring.

Finally the figure made it through the sea of foxes, and slowly approaced the horrified Genin. Once it was standing in front of him, it glared down at his with glowing, malevolent, red eyes that no one but Kiba could see. The slight, focused Killing Intent went a long way in finishing the job the frightening eyes started, even if it wasn't enough to cause a reaction. Finally, the figure spoke.

"You have been judged, and found unworthy." The figure rasped out. "Prepare to face your end."

With that, the figure took hold of the cloak, pulled it off, and tossed it aside in one fluid motion that took less than a second. All eyes stared at the figure, horrified curiosity forcing them to look, and find out for themselves what kind of horrible, hideous creature Naruto was going to use to punish Kiba. It was for this reason that no one was expecting what they found, nor were they prepared for it.

For those that had seen it, or a version of it, before, the image of Naruto's Oiroke was a familiar, and very welcome sight. Even still, there were some very obvious differences that many had never seen before. For one, the eyes of the curvy, leggy, pigtailed blonde with whisker marks were a slit, glowing red that both made everyone wary, yet also added to her inherent sexiness (4). The beauty also had nine fox tails, and a pair of fox ears atop her head whose fur was the same golden blonde as her hair. But the biggest difference, was the bust of the girl. While normally the jutsu sported a generous bust of a large C or small D, the current proportions of the girl rivalled that of Tsunade.

Just like the normal version though, the girl was nude, with the addition that there was no smoke.

While the women and girls- except unsurprisingly Anko and Hinata for obvious, yet different reasons- all had their fits of righteouus indignation at the insult to their gender (although most of them were from jealousy, not that they'd admit it), the guys reaction was decidedly different. Every man in viewing distance of Naruto's Oiroke had a perverted reaction to it, whether it be blood from the nose- with a wide range in the volume and velocity of the letting- their pants becoming uncomfortably tight in front, or making a mess of those same pants. A couple of cases even had all three. Kankurou and Kiba ended up hospitalized with concussions due to the force of their landing, as well as severe blood loss.

It should also come as no surprise that ninety percent of the males in the room fell unconscious by way of projectile nosebleed. One particular boy, who was fairly surprised at the trickle from his own nose, cocked his head to the side, wondering if his jutsu's power would ever reach that level, and if adding tanuki parts would enhance it. He also had no trouble admitting that had that not really been a boy using a jutsu, he was certain that he would like to keep her for reasons that he didn't quite understand yet.

"I think I'd be willing to give up revenge for a girl who looked like that." Sasuke muttered, committing the image to memory using his Sharingan, just before he himself succumbed.

Even Orochimaru had mixed feelings about the attack. While he was admittedly creeped out by several parts of it, he was also highly impressed with the psychological aspect of it. It had shades of the boy's mother all over it, and that sent a shudder of magnificent proportions up his spine. It would seem that he would have to start paying a bit more attention to this brat. A talent like that, if not under his control, was far too dangerous to let grow and develop unchecked.

He was also, as any man should be, very appreciative of the nice visual the ending had provided; though he was certain that he knew whose breasts had inspired that creation, and found himself wondering how the boy had been able to see them bared, as well as survive the encounter. Still, he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth, and tried to commit the heavenly sight to his memory.

Fun fact, Orochimaru wasn't at all gay. He just had the unfortunate circumstance that modeling himself after a snake- and having a great many of his plans and decisions since then formulated through the cold-blooded mental processes of a snake- and it didn't do him any favors. It also didn't help him, that when he got excited about something, his mouth tended to speak faster than his brain could filter what he was saying, and the things that came out weren't very helpful to him.

Even the freakishly creepy licking of his lips with his sickeningly long tongue was the result of a condition that forced him to constantly have to moisten his lips so they wouldn't chap. Sure, ninja could take pain, but fighting with chapped lips was just too risky. At his level, there was no way to avoid getting hit a few times in real fight, and the pain one experienced from getting hit in a chapped lip was too distracting for even well seasoned shinobi like his sensei. He'd learned that lesson the hard way during a spar with Tsunade back when the Sannin were still a team.

Inside its cage, the Kyuubi was also going through a range of reactions, including impressed, flattery, annoyed, and even just a hint of fear. It was obviously impressed with the fact that the boy had won using such a deviously crafty, Kitsune-like way to defeat his opponent. He was flattered that the boy had used his own image to give the attack a bit of a sinister boost. He was annoyed, however, at the fact that the boy had made him look like that demented hyena from that cartoon movie the boy had watched in the waiting room of that time reverse center. He was also pretty sure that him putting fox features on that jutsu of his was some kind of warning, and that left with more than a small amount of fear.

In a massive burst of smoke, Naruto dispelled all of the clones, and released his Oiroke. Sadly, he wasn't able to enjoy the moment and the feel of victory. Within moments of dispelling all of his battle tactics, he could feel all of the anti-perv glares full of KI being directed at him. Naruto winced, until he felt one particular glare full of malevolent intentions much stronger than the rest. It was also a feeling that he was very familiar with, and the cracking of knuckles only further confirmed that his female teammate intended to unleash a beating of epic proportions upon him. He wasn't having that.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Sakura." Naruto cautioned, the absolute seriousness in his voice startling the girl. "What I did may have offended you, but it's also common knowledge that shinobi use any and every trick and resource available to defeat an opponent. If you want to hit me, know that I'm not just going to let you hit me for doing what every ninja knows. I also happen to know the two exact pressure points that will make a girl orgasm hard enough to leave a puddle. You hit me, and I'm going to completely humiliate you by letting everyone watch you make a mess of yourself."

Still, Naruto was aware that what he'd done was offensive, and planned to make up for it. With a single handseal, Naruto disappeared, and reappeared against the arena wall. And then all hell broke loose as nearly every girl in the room made a mad dash for the place where Naruto had formerly been standing. The reason for this, when Naruto performed his Shunshin, he had disappeared in a swirl of fairly decent sized plushies, not a one smaller than the size of an infant, the largest being about as tall as Konohamaru.

Surprisingly, despite the speed with which some of the higher ranked women were moving, two seperate hands made of sand beat them to it. Given his connection to the Ichibi, Gaara's sand was faster than his sort-of twin's. This allowed him to grab the largest plushie, which just so happened to be a large brown teddy bear that was eerily similar to the one he'd had when he was a child. He let a small smirk cross his lips when said sort-of twin turned to glare at him, even as her sand grabbed the next largest plushie, which just so happened to be a child sized tanuki.

Hinata, who had learned the Shunshin from Haku, wound up getting the next two largest plushies, surprising both Anko and Kurenai who arrived just behind her. The Hyuuga heiress grabbed two of cuddlies, a cartoonishly cute version of the Kyuubi for herself, and a floppy eared bunny for Haku. Anko grinned as she spied a fairly large boa, and snagged it, draping it around her shoulders. Kurenai, not exactly sure why, found herself drawn to one of the smaller plushies, one that just so happened to be a monkey. Shortly after Temari grabbed a decent sized black and white tiger, the other girls converged on the plushies.

Once everyone that wanted a plushie had claimed one, and had made their way back to their prior locations, girl Gaara shrugged, and reaching out with her sand, snatched several others that she'd liked. Once he was sure that the rush was over, Naruto calmly walked over to the pile, and pulled out a Panda and a small tiger of more normal coloring. Once he'd done that, Naruto pulled a small storage tag- something that he kept on him just in case- and sealed the rest inside. He then walked over, and handed the tag to the Hokage, asking him to deliver them to the orphanage for Christmas.

Since there was already a bit of a delay due to the near battle that had broken out, the Hokage decided to call a ten minute interlude, so that everyone would have a chance to recover, as well as put their underpants back on. During this interlude, Naruto and Hinata went to visit Haku- who they'd only learned was going to be part of the medical staff maybe five minutes before the candidates were called for the prelims. After sharing a kiss with his girlfriend that Zabuza glared at, Hinata presented her with the bunny, earning her own kiss. While he was sure it was the heat of the moment, it was a very nice surprise to his vision sight. Naruto then set the panda on the small table by Tenten's bed, and the tiger near Kin's, earning kisses from both his girlfriends for thoughtfulness.

Once the interlude was over, the proctor gestured for the tech people to run the board. Just as Naruto remembered, the next two names were...

"Hinata Hyuuga and Neji Hyuuga." Naruto frowned, knowing Neji's issues with the Main House in general, and for some reason with Hinata specifically. He didn't know what Neji's problem was, but he wasn't going to let Hinata get hurt because Neji was trying so hard to be Fate's Bitch. Easing his way over to the young Hyuuga, Naruto got his attention.

"Hey Neji, I just wanted to warn you." Naruto started. "I know you have issues with the Main House, but Hinata is not the one you should be taking them out on."

Neji glared at his cousin, practically ignoring the warning. He didn't care what anyone thought, she would pay. Forget his uncle, forget his father, forget the blond that had somewhat unnerved him, Hinata had to suffer. Had this been several months ago, he would have only punished for being a pampered Main House brat. But after what she'd done to him...no, she would suffer like she never had before. Being forced to tattoo 'Property of Naruto' on her behind the day after the rumors of Naruto's interest in her were confirmed had been horrible. Being forced, just a few weeks ago to retouch the abomination, and add -sama to the end was one step too far (5).

As Hinata was preparing to head down to the arena, Kurenai offered to hold Hinata's plushie, and found herself wishing she'd been fast enough to get one of the larger ones like Hinata had for herself. Sitting the large fox down next to her, she perched her little monkey on its back, praying that Hinata wasn't hurt too badly. While she knew Hinata had improved greatly, and even moreso ever since she'd officially become Naruto's girlfriend, she held no illusions that Hinata could beat her prodigious cousin. Neji was easily the most naturally gifted Hyuuga she'd ever seen, and was on course to surpass both his father and uncle by the time he was twenty.

Despite the fact that he knew what the outcome of the match was going to be, Naruto cheered his girlfriend on, encouraging her to kick Neji's ass. As the match went on, Naruto's feelings of dislike towards Neji grew and grew. Objectively, Naruto knew that it was the same match, but it seemed that having feelings for Hinata made it seem much worse this time. Still, he couldn't help but be even more proud of Hinata this time around. Her training with Haku had allowed her to actually hit him three times: once on the left shoulder, and one time on each leg.

Finally, it was all but officially over. While she was still standing, she was defenseless, and in no shape to continue. That shot to the gut had looked really painful, and unless he was mistaken, there had been a lot more oomph to the attack than he remembered. His thoughts were interrupted by the rage filled yell of Neji, and his charging her. Unlike last time, Naruto wasn't going to just sit there doing nothing. Bringing his hands up into a seal, Naruto performed a quick substitution.

Everyone watched in shock as Hinata was replaced with Kankurou's puppet, and the young Leaf kunoichi appeared behind the Sand nin.

"More special treatment for the Main House princess." Neji grunted from the near chokehold his sensei had on him. Naruto Shunshined over to Hinata as she collapsed. Doing a quick diagnostic jutsu he'd learned from Sakura in his former life- the only one he was capable of- Naruto found that while Hinata was in bad shape, she was still likely in better shape than she'd been last time around. Her heart beat was stable and strong, so that was a good sign.

"Saving her now won't do her any good." Neji spat. "In the end, a loser is a loser."

"Neji, right now, you don't want to test me." Naruto growled back, returning to the arena floor with Hinata in his arms bridal like. "For as long as I can remember, I've been called a monster by the villagers. For you, I'd be willing to embody that claim."

"Heh."

"Naruto-" Kakashi said in warning as the medics took Hinata from the blond, and got her situated on a stretcher. Glaring, Naruto knelt, coating his fingers in the blood that Hinata had coughed up. Standing, he lifted his arm, and pointed his fist at Neji.

"On Hinata's blood, I promise that I will break you." Had he not been glaring at Neji, he might have noticed the shocked looks on several faces.

Naruto stubbornly followed as Hinata was being led into the medical area, and hovered around the medics as they worked, making a nuisance of himself. He was finally shooed away by Haku, who informed him that her condition was stable, and that she would just fine in a week or so.

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By the time Naruto returned to the arena, Lee had alreay removed his weights, and looked about ready to cut loose with the Primary Lotus. As he made his way back to the spot where his team was, the clone he'd left popped, and a set of very amusing memories came to him.

**Flashback**

_When the match had been initially called, Gaara had done something that no one expected. Turning to his sensei, he handed his bear to Baki, and said._

_"Guard this with your life, or I might decide to revert to old habits for nostalgia's sake." Leaving the paling man behind, he made his way down the steps to the arena._

_888_

_Another featured Lee standing on top of the statue holding his weights. His clone had grinned, just waiting to see the reactions when Lee's weights hit the ground. And a few seconds later, he knew how Gai felt the first time around watching all of the shocked looks._

**End Flashback**

There had been some other memories, but that was the bulk of the good stuff. As he was about to turn back to watch Lee get going- it really was an inspiration to see- a swirl of sand interrupted him, and found himself accosted by Gaara's sexy twin. The person standing in front of him- seriously invading his personal space- was the only one he knew that could seriously freak him out, while at the same time give him happy tingles. Without any preamble, or even meaningless small talk to lead up to it, she told him exactly why she'd just come to him.

"I wish to procreate with you. Mother says our offspring will be strong." Fem!Gaara informed him in a matter of fact way.

"Uhm, that's nice and all, and I'm really flattered, but I'm kind of already seeing someones..." Naruto said, wondering- but not sure he really wanted to actually know- how fem!Gaara could still communicate with the Ichibi.

"That is irrelevant. You were able to take my panties without me knowing, and you gave me these." A sandpile holding a quartet of plushies was pushed up into his face.

"But-" Naruto tried to protest.

"Mother says that when a boy takes your panties or gives you gifts, he wants to procreate with you. You did both." She reminded him. "You also taught boy me how to make people bleed without killing them. That is a very meaningful gift, one that speaks of intended longterm relations. As such, I wish to have your children in honor of your desires to procreate with me."

"Ooh boy." Naruto said with a sigh. '_NB you're a sick, twisted, highly demented human being._'

"Seriously Naruto, you keep saying this like it's new news." NB confirmed, not bothered in the slightest by the insult; actually taking it as a compliment.

Luckily for Naruto, that was about the time that Lee had finished opening the fifth gate of Hachimon, and went apeshit. While hitting her twin had slightly impressed her, the way that Lee was currently dominating Gaara had gained her complete attention. As Lee slammed Gaara into the ground with the Reverse Lotus, the incredibly hot young woman had a sudden change of heart. While she would undoubtedly be able to produce stronger offspring with Naruto, her body was having a greater reaction to the boy in green. It was his offspring that she desired to have, even if they would not be as powerful as ones created with Naruto would have been.

As Gaara laid on the blanket of sand that had once been his gourd, he had to admit that he didn't like this feeling. For someone who had never been hit before, it was an unpleasant experience. Sure, he'd always wanted to feel pain, maybe even bleed a little, but he wanted to experience it a little at time, to build up a tolerance for it like normal people. He did not like what was happening, and this boy that kept hitting him was starting to make him angry. Gaara didn't like getting angry, because it led to him doing things that one couldn't apologize for. Not only that, but it could make him revert back to his former blood letting tactics, and he really didn't like those anymore.

It was time to end this fight. Using as much sand as he could gather, he sent it towards Lee with the intention of wrapping the boy up. Right before Gaara's sand struck, a swirl of sand appeared next to a defenseless Lee, and a second wall of sand blocked the incoming one from the prone Gaara. Fem!Gaara glared at her 'twin'.

"Remember what Naruto-niisan said about killing?" She reminded him.

Gaara gave his sligtly older twin a glare for ruining his small measure of payback. When she returned it with a cute frown of her own, Gaara shrugged and recalled his sand. It wasn't like he planned to kill or maim the boy, he was just going to smack him around a bit. A shunshin later, he was back with his team, and retreiving his precious from his sensei, checking it over thoroughly for any damage. The cute redhead in the arena then turned to Lee.

"You hit Gaara-kun...I shall have your children instead." She declared.

"NANI?!" Lee questioned.

"Oh Lee, I'm so proud." Gai yelled in support, appearing next to his favorite pupil half a second later, no jutsu involved. "The youthful blossoming of love resulting from a youthful exchange of fists between shinobi."

"G-Gai-sensei?" Lee pleaded.

"I shall take your inability to respond as confirmation of compliance." Fem!Gaara asserted.

"Eh?" Was all the response Lee could manage.

"Congratulations Lee, on gaining such a youthful desert flower as she for a wife." Gai suggested. "As soon as the exams are over, we will have to step up your training. If you are to properly please your lady friend, you must be able to perform 100 push ups with your tongue like your sensei. I must warn you though, it is not an easy undertaking."

"Dibs on spandex guy." Some female shinobi called, her voice heavily laced with lecherous perversion.

'_Damn, I take it back._' Naruto thought. '_NB is good. Wouldn't have ever thought of that one. And he technically got Gai laid all in one go. Good luck, Lee, you'll need it, but you'll be glad for it once you've finished._'

Naruto could certainly attest to the difficulty and greatness of that training. In his past life he'd gotten Gai to teach him the technique once he'd started getting over Sakura; or at least that's what he made Gai think when he tried to learn it. While he'd never gotten the chance to use it himself, he'd seen the aftermath of Lee using it on Tenten after she'd volunteered to help him test his new technique, and could admit that he was impressed.

As much as he admired the man, Lee could only stare wide eyed between his sensei and the girl who'd just told him she'd be having his children.

"Due to the young lady's interference, the winner of this match is Sabaku no Gaara." Hayate interrupted, before calling for the last two fighters.

The last match was Dosu Kinuta versus Chouji Akimichi. Naruto didn't bother watching this match for two reasons. The first being the simple, yet sad, fact that Shikamaru was currently the only genin on that team who was any real threat in a one on one fight...unless you called Chouji fat, then he might become a problem. The second, was that regardless of the fact that he was going to win this match, Dosu wasn't going to make it to the finals. While Naruto was sure that Gaara was putting his homicidal tendencies behind him, the fact was that Dosu was likely going to do something stupid to really piss his friend off.

Eventually, the winners were lined up in front of the Hokage, where he began explaining the next part of the exams. Naruto half tuned him out, already planning for fights against Neji, Temari, and Gaara, as they were his most likely opponents. He wasn't too worried about Shino, as his bugs could gorge themselves, and he'd still have plenty of chakra for a couple hundred Kage Bunshin.

Naruto was snapped back to awareness when Anko brought the box with the number slips around. Reaching in, and grabbing a slip, Naruto wasn't all that surprised to find that he had number one again. Once everyone had their numbers, the Hokage asked them all to call them out. As he listened to the numbers, something in his mind told him that something was off, but he couldn't for the life of him figure it out. What he did know, was that he'd be facing Neji, Gaara and Sasuke were fighting again, then Temari and Shikamaru, followed by Kankurou and Dosu, with the winner facing Shino. This pretty much meant that the catsuit perv was facing Shino in the last match.

Turning to Neji, Naruto gave him a deadly smirk. "I'll see you in a month, Neji."

"If you think you can, you're welcome to try." Neji said with a smirk.

"I'm giving you a fair warning, Neji." Naruto said. "Your fate rests with Hinata. Whatever the outcome of her health and well-being is, you will share in her fate. If she recovers, then so will you, eventually. If her shinobi career is ended, so too will yours. If she dies... if I were you, I'd pray she doesn't."

"Why should I care if a loser dies?" Neji spat. "Why should I care if her loser boyfriend is offended?

Naruto's eyes flashed red. "Because the inhumane atrocities that I will visit upon you Neji will make even a sick bastard like Orochimaru lose his breakfast." Naruto inwardly grinned, when Neji's eyes narrowed. Scare tactics, gotta love them.

Up in the stands, Gai turned to his rival. "Kakashi?" Gai asked, somewhat fearfully for his student's health.

"I would suggest making sure Hinata has the best medical care available in the village." Kakashi said.

"Naruto wouldn't really kill him, would he Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked.

"Not only would he do it without hesitation, but something tells me he would do it slowly just to make Neji suffer."

"But?"

"Sakura, think about what Neji did, and whom he did it to."

"I guess it's a good thing killing is allowed in the exams, then." She said gulping.

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1. gelbooru . com, search 'easytoon uzumaki_naruto' exactly as is without the ''; only zaku didn't land on his feet

2. think Mizore Shirayuki (Rosario Vampire) from the thighs up, and Karin from the same place down

3. think ed from Lion King

4. gelbooru . com, search 'chiba_toshirou naruko collar'; same procedure as above; like this with noted additions

5. gelbooru . com, search 'monkeyjay hyuuga_hinata'; same procedure as above; instead of jay, says Property of Naruto-sama

**excuses**

! narufemkyuufan

**shunshin**

thanks to batamut for the slime shunshin

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**Omake**

This is an alternate version of Haku and Hinata's reaction to the panty stealing by Sketchfan.

Hinata: Naruto-sama?

Naruto: Awww don't be like that. I didn't take yours, because you're my cute little sweet mama.

Hinata: *cute pout*

Naruto: How about I take them off of you later, personally

Hinata: ...R-really?

Naruto: I promise when we're older, I'd feel kinda like a dirty pervert if I did it now.

Hinata: *cute pout*

Naruto: Don't forget, I never break a promise.

Hinata: O-okay, 'cause it's you.

Naruto: That's my girl. How about I let you help me take off Haku's?

Hinata: D-deal.

Haku: *sneezes, blushes* Hmmm, Naruto-sama and Hinata-chan must be talking about me. And it's something sexy

Zabuza: Just make sure you don't end up pregnant before you turn 18.

Haku: *shiver down spine*

Zabuza: Make it twenty, I'm not about to be the father of a teenage mother.

**Omake 2**

This is an alternate to the meeting with the fox if I'd gone the other route, and gave Naruto a normal cliche harem featuring Naruto fandom characters with ovaries. This means any male that most fans refuse to believe are male, or any character who is ambiguous enough that we can make them female, or any character whose gender is not specified, which allows us to assign genders as we please.

"Okay fox, you're either going to be a caring parental figure that teaches me the way of the Kitsune," Naruto grinned at the glaring red eyes. "Or an extremely sexy part of my harem, your choice."

"And what makes you think that, you devolved monkey?" Kyuubi spat. Naruto could tell he was going to have to make another midnight sake run- since the Hokage wouldn't let him buy it anymore- because a sober fox was a bitchy fox.

"You can see everything that happens to me, right." The fox nodded. "You saw what happened with the bloodline, Haku, and the snake pedo, correct." The fox glared, but nodded. "Pick one." Kyuubi's eyes widened as it caught the blonde's meaning. It glared at its vessel for several moments, before being engulfed in a swirl of smoke. What stepped out of the said smoke was a red headed, wet dream incarnate.

"Sexy enough?" She said, glaring at him. When Naruto gave an enthusiastic nod, you could just see the corner of her mouth twitch. She'd never admit it, but Kyuubi was impressed.

"Now we just have to figure out a way for you to get out of the seal without being a danger to me, my family and friends, and the village, and we can really have some fun." The fox gave him an inward smirk. What that brat didn't know, was that she had used the sexy, toned figure of the boy's own mother. Yes, she'd bide her time, and wait until he was making love to her to reveal that little tidbit.

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Well, there you have it. Another chapter of me trying to scar my readers into insanely massive therapy bills. Hope you enjoyed it.

**Question**: Am I the only one wondering when Kishimoto is going to take Sasuke's dick out of his mouth, and show some love to the character whose name is on the fucking manga? I mean seriously, hasn't Sasuke been powered up enough with that Eternal Mangekyo, does he really need to be given one of the two decent power ups that Naruto has been allowed to enoy? I guess it was just too much to allow Naruto to have something of his own. I don't know about you, but giving Sage mode to Orochimaru, Kabuto, and possibly Sasuke has completely devalued it. I mean, if you were going to go giving it to everyone else all along, then why even bother giving it to Naruto?


	6. A Cliche Interlude

**Chapter Interlude**

**Disclaimer: If you're a guy, it's best to avoid going for an OB-GYN. Terribly invasive, and highly uncomfortable.**

Also, DMX- well, the rather poor celebrity impersonator that we hired- appears courtesy of a large #1 with extra Mac Sauce.

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Two days after the completion of the prelims found Kakashi walking lazily down the hall towards the room that held the Hyuuga heiress, dreading the conversation that he was about to have. If there was one thing he knew from both personal experience, and from eyewitness accounts, it was that trying to talk an Uzumaki- who'd firmly made up their mind- out of something was extremely difficult on normal occasions. When you add in the inherited stubbornness that both Kushina and now Naruto seemed to have in spades, it only became that much more difficult. And when you added in a desire for revenge for something done to a loved one...usually it was best to just pretend you were unaware it was going to happen. Still, he couldn't allow Naruto to go through with this, no matter how much her personally felt Neji deserved an ass kicking for what he did.

A testament to his frustration was the fact that his beloved book was still sitting in his pouch, and both of his hands were shoved into his pants pockets.

Upon reaching the room and opening the door, Kakashi momentarily forgot about the conversation he was dreading when his eyes landed upon the occupants. Now, the only people in the room were Naruto and Hinata, and that in itself wasn't all that shocking- especially since Naruto's other girlfriend was still on duty until later that afternoon. What was shocking was the position that he found the two youngsters in. Hinata was laying in the bed, seemingly sleeping, while Naruto was keeping a vigilant watch at her bedside. His hand held one of her fairly smaller ones pressed to his lips in the same place that guys tended to when they were trying to charm a girl...well the ones that knew how to do it anyway. The biggest difference, was that Naruto looked on the verge of dispair. Okay, so it was less dispair, and more impatiently annoyed, but he certainly looked unhappy. Kakashi smiled, remembering Naruto's father in this exact position with his mother after a Kyuubi accident.

Still, as much as he wanted to watch the endearing scene, he and Naruto needed to talk. "Naruto, could you come with me for a bit?" Naruto gave the him a raised eyebrow, before nonchalantly creating a Kage Bunshin that took his place when he stood, and following him out of the room.

Once they'd cleared the hospital, and made it to the roofs, Kakashi led Naruto to the Team 7 training grounds. Taking a seat on the bridge rail, he stared at his student. "Naruto, I understand how you feel about what Neji did to Hinata, and I certainly don't blame you. I'm also aware of the near futility of trying to talk an Uzumaki out of doing something they've decided upon, but-" He trailed off when he saw Naruto smirking. "What?"

"I don't plan to kill Neji." He said. "Maybe embarrass him to the point of mental breakdown, but I won't kill him."

"Okay, huh?"

"Letting Neji think I'm going to be inconsolable with rage, and therefore either easy pickings for his superior mind, or a monster that he doesn't want to confront is a good psychological advantage, ne?" Kakashi couldn't help but agree, although he couldn't really ever fathom such a tactic coming from Naruto. Then again, with everything he'd seen so far, why was he still surprised when Naruto did things like this? Shaking his head, and thankful that he'd dodged a bullett, he gave Naruto the other bit of information he'd wanted him to have.

"Right, well, I want everyone to meet me here tomorrow," Kakashi told him. "I'm calling in a favor to get you some training for the finals."

"Kakashi-sensei, don't forget about someone for Sakura to train with, too; even if it's just temporarily joining another team. Just because she didn't make the finals doesn't mean she should be given a month off of nothing."

"I notice that you didn't mention Sasuke." Kakashi teased.

"You're going to be training Sasuke personally for his fight with Gaara, so I didn't need to." Naruto answered.

"How did you know?" Kakashi asked.

"I didn't, but I figured that was the most logical reason." Naruto answered. "That, and I decided to give you the benefit of doubt. After all, you wouldn't willingly flake on the training of your beloved sensei's son for something as important as the Chuunin Exams finals, right?"

"Y-you know?"

"How else do you think I knew so much about the Yondaime?" Naruto asked. "Besides, it would defeat the purpose of sneaking into the records department to not learn something right. I confronted jiji about what I found, and he decided to just tell me."

"Right then, meet at ten, and I do mean at ten." Naruto raised a brow. "Yes, I will be there on time. After all, I wouldn't flake on your training for something as important as the Chuunin Exam Finals, right?"

"Hey Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto suddenly asked. "You know that Sasuke can't beat Gaara, right?"

"I wouldn't say that." Kakashi protested, disappointed that Naruto didn't have more faith in his teammate. "Sasuke was the rookie of the year for a reason, and he's improved greatly since."

"That's true, Sasuke is good, but he isn't that good." Kakashi gave Naruto a queer eye, not sure what he was saying. "In a few years, it's probable, but he's not even close now. The only person in the exams that can beat Gaara is me, and that's because we both have a similar affliction that I happen to have a stronger version of."

"So Gaara's a Jinchuuriki." Kakashi sighed. He should have known something was off with that boy. "Right, well if you'll excuse me, I have to go rework Sasuke's training for the next month."

Shrugging, Naruto Shunshined back to the hospital where his recently popped clone had told him Hinata was stirring.

888

As the last scene was happening, a Jounin- who is obviously an Oc- had just returned home from an extended mission away from the village. First had been border patrol, which he'd gotten stuck on for over ten years (and boy was he looking forward to the massive hazzard pay bonus that would get him). Then, when he'd been on his way home, he'd been intercepted by Anbu who had given him orders that redirected him to Kiri to meet with the new Mizukage, where he'd been for the past nine months trying to keep from getting raped by the husband obsessed woman.

One may wonder why he would be trying to avoid a woman as hot as Mei Terumi, well the truth is that she scared him. The aura of pure, unadulterated fear she was capable of inducing was on par with another redhead he'd been close to in his youth. It also didn't help that an unnerving encounter with the latter redhead's boyfriend/future husband had made him extremely wary about dating women with red hair.

Now, you may be wondering who this Oc is, and what point he serves in the story, right. Well, thankfully for us, this is a cliche, so we can pause the story in a sufficiently tacky manner to introduce him.

This Oc just so happens to be Xenoguyver, formerly known as Izuna Takeda. He's the bastard son of Jiraiya of the Sannin, and actually favors him quite a bit. About the only things that sets them apart, are the absense of the red lines on his face, the absense of the long ponytail, and he took his height after his mother, standing at only 177cm, as opposed to his father's 191cm. Ironically enough, he was born just a few hours before Minato Namikaze, in the early morning hours of January 25; of course he was also born two years before. Although they resemble each other so strongly, neither he nor Jiraiya are aware of their relationship. You may ask yourself how this is possible? The answer to that would be the exact same as the one that answers how the hell so few people knew Naruto was the Yondaime's kid, when he looked like Minato, and acted like Minato's crazy wife. But I digress.

Izuna was a fairly talented ninja, a given considering who his father was, but he was content to stay in the background, unlike that Uchiha and Hyuuga who were rivals, and who ended up on Minato's team. Upon graduating from the Academy, he was placed on a team with Kushina Uzumaki and some other random Genin who'd end up getting killed in the next war; their sensei, Sakumo Hatake. Ironically enough, it was their other teammate who was hailed as the genius of the team, and Izuna's relationship with this teammate was very similar to the one Lee and Neji had. But thanks to Kushina's help, he got his revenge in the Chuunin Exam finals.

His beloved teamate- who was like a sister to him- had taught him a jutsu created by her family, that she'd learned from the Shodai's wife, the Rectal Prolapse no Jutsu. Her reasoning, because the 'team prodigy' needed a lesson in humility, and because she thought it would be a fitting way for him to lose to the teammate whom he considered beneath him. Of course, the arrogant boy hadn't thought that way of Kushina once he'd realized her chakra reserves dwarfed his like a Jounin's did a Genin's, and that she could easily kick his ass if she felt the desire to.

As a Chuunin, Izuna had developed a crush on his big sister's best friend, Mikoto Uchiha, only for his hopes at wooing her to be dashed when she suddenly wound up pregnant, and was a week later married to her third cousin once removed, Uchiha Fugaku. Kushina had comforted him, telling him that Fugaku was a dick, and that she thought Izuna would have been a much better match for 'Koto-chan -ttebane! Ironically enough, his second crush, Inuzuka Tsume was in the same boat, although Kushina had teased him about him probably not being wild enough in the sac for a girl like Tsume. And for someone who could be as mild mannered as Iruka, it was probably true.

Shortly after becoming Jounin, war broke out again, and they were thrown into battle. While the fighting wasn't so much, being a part of Kushina's team in the field was always entertaining. She had this way of getting you psyched up that no one could touch, and was such an inspiration to those around her that you couldn't help but want to make her proud by doing your best. Their unit only ever lost one man, and that had been their former teammate, on their first mission, because he was being a pompous ass. Go figure.

After the war, things settled down, and Minato and Kushina hooked up- as if there was ever any doubt about that. She'd been loudly and boisterously proclaiming that she was going to be Kushina Namikaze since he'd rescued her from those Kumo nin. When she'd gotten pregnant, she'd become even more animated about it, joking that she'd finally trapped her man, while Minato was going around trying to convince people that it was he who had succeeded in trapping the best girl in the village into a serious relationship. Those two really were made for each other, although he was certain that their spawn would be a virtual nightmare. Minato's talent and ability with Kushina's mischief streak, and power; he shuddered to think what Konoha would have suffered during Naruto's rambuntious youth had his parents lived.

Xeno had been on the front lines when the Kyuubi attacked, and he'd had tears in his eyes nearly the entire time. He'd known the fate of the Kyuubi, as well as the risks she took giving birth. For the Kyuubi to be free, it could only mean one thing...Kushina-nee was dead. After confirming Kushina and Minato's deaths, Izuna had planned to take custody of Naruto, but was surprised when his unit was assigned suddenly to the border patrol. He suspected Danzo had a hand in this hoping to make some kind of bid for power, but the guy usually had a tendency to outthink himself with his overly elaborate plans, so he wasn't too worried there. Thankfully, he was back home, and due a nice long vacation to reconnect with his pseudo-nephew.

"Ah, it's good to have you back, Xenoguyver." The Hokage said, although he was still trying to figure out why the man had changed his name, not knowing that it was the result of a drunken bet with Kushina that he'd been very reluctant to honor...until Kushina flashed the bartender in good faith- which had been her consession for losing the bet.

"It's good to be back, sir." After a bit of debriefing- okay, so it was like several hours worth of debriefing- Xeno decided to broach a subject that had been on his mind for the last decade. "Sir, how's Naruto doing?"

888

As Xeno made his way through the village, he wore a distinct frown upon his face. It was probably for the best that he and Jiraiya hadn't been around when Naruto was growing up. Without the strictness from his parents- which Kushina and Minato could be at times despite their normal personalities- Naruto being influenced by a super pervert and a laid back slacker/practical joker could have been very bad. On the other hand, that was certainly much better than the life Naruto had been forced to live. Sure things had drastically improved in the last seven months, and he was impressed with the boy's capturing of two hearts that were willing to share him, but that was beside the point. Where the hell had Kakashi been during his pseudo-nephew's formative years?

Even worse was the fact that Kakashi was the boy's Jounin, and hadn't seen fit to correct any of the damage done to his training by the Academy. While Kakashi was obviously the stronger of the two, Xeno would have figured that he'd be a better sensei than he was. But no, to his extreme annoyance, Kakashi had seriously flaked on properly teaching Minato and Kushina's son. He and the lazy bastard were going to be discussing some form of retribution for the botched education of his teammate's son, and why Kakashi hadn't done something about it before and since. That would have to wait until the next morning, though. Kakashi was an elite, while he was just above average, and he would need to be alert when he confronted the man. Righteous indignation and cool anger could only take you so far, so he needed a good night's sleep to succeed.

888

Xenoguyver, a.k.a. Izuna Takeda awoke the next morning bright and early. He was refreshed, he was re-energized, he was ready to make an attempt to express his displeasure at Naruto's life on Kakashi's person. He quickly dealt with his morning rituals, and forced himself to resist the urge to indulge in a lady-like- i.e. long and luxurious- bath. After all, when you go without luxuries for years- and he certainly didn't trust the bath areas his hotel in Kiri had offered- one tends to appreciate them a lot more, and when able to have them again, it's easy to over-indulge.

Anyway, Xeno quickly dressed, and locked up his apartment before heading to the roof of his building. Standing on the ledge, he concentrated, using a trick Kushina had taught him to find the signature Uzumaki chakras. Surprisingly, he found two, one male and one female, both about the same age. The female, he noticed, was stationary in one of the hotels, while the male one was headed off in the direction of a very familiar training ground. He'd found Naruto. Aside from the obvious gender distinction, only the Nidaime's line of Jounin-Genin succession had ever used that training ground, so that was likely the grounds that Kakashi had chosen. Xeno leapt from his roof to the building across the street, headed there himself. Upon arriving, he spotted the last Uchiha and a pink haired girl already there waiting, and noticed that he'd somehow beat Naruto to the training ground. Knowing that there was nothing to do but wait, Xeno dropped his chakra to almost nothing- another thing he'd learned from Kushina- as he hid in the tree.

Since waiting was kind of boring, he decided to reminisce in the rather obvious several minutes that these kinds of moments always afforded to Oc's so that the audience could view an informative flashback of said Oc's life. He really did miss his big sister, and even that scary ass boyfriend of hers. He could still remember the day he that got a shiver worthy warning from Minato that Kushina was spoken for.

**DMX: Ayo bitch! This is a mothafuckin flashback. Time to get on board, before you hear the fuckin 9 clap.**

_"Hello, Izuna." The Chuunin heard a menacing voice say. Izuna turned to find the even more menacing form of an irritated, and mildly jealous Minato Namikaze,_

_"Hey, Minato, how are you?" Izuna sincerely hoped this was a social call...a friendly, social call._

_"What are your intentions towards Kushina Uzumaki?" Nope, he'd never been that lucky._

_Izuna was quick to waylay the man's fears. "I have absolutely no intentions towards Jounin Kushina Uzumaki of the Uzumaki Clan of Uzushiogakure."_

_Sadly, Minato didn't believe him. "Are you sure? Because I noticed how close the two of you were, and I'd rather not take any chances."_

_"I-I-" He didn't get the chance to respond as the Jounin had turned all of his considerable KI on him._

_"You do realize that she's spoken for, right?" Izuna found that odd, since according to Kushina's source- Ero-sensei- Minato was still getting his courage up to as her out. Although, given the way they addressed each other, and how often the two claimed the other was their girlfriend/boyfriend to others who appeared to be interested in their chosen, one would think they'd have actually been dating by now._

_"Seriously Minato-" Izuna's reply was suddenly cut off by a KI even greater- and several magnitudes more sinister- than the one Minato had been projecting. Thankfully it wasn't aimed at him, but he still nearly pissed himself catching residual._

_"Minato-koi, what are you doing to my chibi?" The sweet, yet entirely sinister voice of Konoha's Hotblooded Habenero washed over them._

_Minato wasn't sure whether to relax, or piss his pants. Being called her chibi meant that you were quite firmly in the 'friend' or 'like a sibling' column, so there was no worries there. On the other hand, when 'Shina-chan got pissed, especially when her chibi's were involved, it ususally ended in pain- and from the aura of planned induced suffering she was projecting, he was going to be enduring a lot of it. Looks like he'd finally understand what his sensei had kept telling him about being in love with deceptively strong, feisty women._

**DMX: This flashback is over, so it's time to break out. Bitch! Grrr, arf arf, what what.**

Judging from the jutsu she'd tried to use on him twice- Minato's speed saved his ass...literally- he now understood what his neechan had meant when she'd told Fugaku that if he broke Mikoto's heart, she was going to take equal payment of suffering out of his ass. Funny how after that, Minato had been very friendly with him, and had even helped him train for the Jounin evaluations.

As it happens with Oc flahsbacks, Kakashi arrived just seconds after he came out of it. Xeno had to smirk, Kakashi hadn't even noticed he was there, giving him the element of surprise. If there's one thing that was a given, Uzumaki were always the best at whatever they chose to excel at. And from what Kushina had told him, seals and stealth were their bread and butter. He hadn't had much talent for the more advanced seals, but he'd learned everything he could from his oneechan about stealth; to the point that not even Minato could sense him until he was right upon him, and he could find practically anyone. Of course, Kushina was in a class of her own. She could be standing right behind you, and still keep hidden from you.

Anywho, it was time for Kakashi Hatake to reap what he sowed.

888

"Hello Kakashi." A dark voice sounded from behind him.

"Hello Izuna-san," Kakashi said. "It's been a while."

"That it has." The man said. "Now while Naruto-kun has done very well for himself, and I'm sure Kushina-nee would be bragging to the village about how awesome and manly her baby boy is, why did it take twelve years for something good to happen to him?"

"First, you should probably know that that was a lot more frightening when sensei and Kushina-san did it." The man sagged, knowing it was the truth, and with Kakashi having been on the receiving end of both, Xeno's didn't really effect him all that much. "Second, Rin was supposed to do the whole parental thing while I joined Anbu to support them financially. How was I supposed to know that she'd go off the deep end?"

Really, how had they missed the issues she'd developed after seeing their sensei's penis. Because of that one fateful day, she'd become obsessed with having a horse penis all to herself. They really should have gotten her some counseling to deal with that, but Kakashi had been so happy to have her finally getting over him that he'd ignored all of the signs. To think that she'd planned to purposefully raise Naruto in such a way that he developed an Oedipal Complex towards her, and that she'd even kept detailed notes of an even more detailed timeline for his development was shocking.

"That was still no excuse for ignoring him." The man said. "You know I'll have to punish you."

"Do you think you can?" Kakashi taunted, and would regret it very soon. As he was turning to size up the light threat, he caught the tail end of a jutsu being sealed, and felt a very familiar, very traumatizing spike of chakra.

"Shit!" Kakashi cursed a half second before...

"Rectal Prolapse no Jutsu!(1)" The man called. Kakashi's most recent thought was rather fitting, wasn't it?

"AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGG GGHHHHHHHHHH" ...Kakashi was launched into the air like a shit propelled rocket; severely staining his pants, and screaming in both pain and humiliation.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending upon who you ask, Sasuke and Sakura just so happened to be standing behind their sensei when he'd turned to Xeno.

For Sasuke, who had his Sharingan activated in the hopes of steal...ahem...learning a new technique, that moment would beocme the most traumatizing experience of his life. For you see, the Sharingan's jutsu copying ability committed whatever was seen into their memory banks, and it wasn't just regulated to memorizing jutsu. At that moment every single second and detail of Kakashi's Crap Rocket Launch- including what could only be labeled doodoo butter splashing into his face- was ingrained into his brain, and in such a way that he would never be able to repress it. And the worst part of the whole situation, was that he didn't even get the seals for the jutsu, because Kakashi had been in the way.

For Sakura, it was no better. You see, Sakura had decided to try and just talk to Sasuke today; no asking him out, no trying to woo him, just talking to him as a teammate, and possible friend. Unfortunately, this put her right next to her teammate, and in the line of fire when Kakashi shot off. What was more, was that Sakura had been trying to shout a warning to her sensei- not that he really needed one as an elite Jounin- and had her mouth open at the exact moment Kakashi's rectum prolapsed. What this means, is that poor Sakura was the recipient of some of Kakashi's crap in her mouth. With the taste of her sensei's ass coating her tongue, Sakura immediately vomited.

By some miracle, not a single drop hit, or got anywhere NEAR, Naruto. But then again, he was an Uzumaki, and Uzumaki prank techniques tended not to work on them unless performed by another Uzumaki. On a side note, Naruto could hear the Kyuubi shivering and whimpering like a kicked puppy at the sight of the Jutsu. He was guessing that was another moment in the fox's life that he wished he could repress.

Inside the seal, Kyuubi was being forced to relive the day the Shodai's wife had used that jutsu on him. All because she thought he was in league with that sick bastard Madara. Sure he was jealous that the bastard Senju had taken his girl, but he wasn't so broken up about it that he would plot with Madara to kill Hashirama and destroy Konoha. Damn Mito and her sick jutsu; he hadn't been able to take a proper shit until that creepy guy Tobi had released him from Kushina. He kind of felt sorry for that group of guys with the rocks on their headbands that just so happened to be standing there. Little did the fox know, he'd thwarted an assassination attempt on the Yondaime's newborn child.

Since he was the only one of the three youngsters who hadn't been immediately directly affected by the jutsu's results, Naruto turned to the sound of roaring laughter. What he found was a rather standard looking Jounin covering his eyes with one hand, and pointing at Kakashi the Incontinent as he flew off with the other hand. After a bit, the man calmed down and grinned at him.

"Sorry you had to see that, kids." The jounin explained with a wide grin. "He's had that coming for a _long_ time for shirking his duties."

Naruto just shrugged. He'd pranked people for far less than that, though not nearly as badly in most cases. "Okay, so while we wait for Kakashi-sensei to come back, who are you?"

"Me, you can call me Xeno." The Jounin- now named Xeno- said.

"Lovegood?"

"No, but I'll admit, I do love me some Luna."

"Yes, she is quite delightful." Naruto replied. "If I were allowed, and NB was more accomodating- read less of a complete and utter propriety snob- in the cross-over area, I'd petition Haku and Hinata in the interest of recruiting her. Anyway, continue."

"Hang on a sec." Xeno said, unsealing a bottle of very flavorful- though thankfully weak- sake, and handing it to Sakura. "Having once been in your position, the only thing that will get that taste out of your mouth is sake." Taking it, Sakura continued to glare at him. "Hey, at least you didn't accidentally swallow any, right?"

Sakura's only answer was to start chugging the beverage. For those wondering, no she didn't swallow any doodoo butter, but it was darn close. And so Xeno fully introduced himself, shocking them all by revealing that he was on the same team as Naruto's mother, and inadvertently revealing that the Yondaime was Naruto's father. Taking a pause from drinking, Sakura stared at Naruto for a moment.

"You know, given how much you favor him, it's actually surprising that no one notices until it's mentioned." She said, thoughtfully. "I guess this also explains how you know so much about the Yondaime."

"Uh, right, I'm pretty sure that's an S-rank secret, so it'd probably be a good idea not to go telling people about that." Xeno said. "His dad had a lot of enemies who were sore losers, so they'd probably come after him if they learned about him. I'm sure you can sympathize, Sasuke."

"Tch, I doubt it." Sasuke spat. "The Dobe and I have nothing in common."

"Oh, so I guess no one thought to mention that you're technically godbrothers?"

"WHAT?!" Sasuke- who'd finally gotten himself clean using that animated characters special ability to be suddenly completely clean after a messy happenstance- and Naruto both yelled.

"Yep, Kushina was Sasuke's godmother, and Mikoto was named as Naruto's godmother." Xeno said. "Although, it makes me wonder why she didn't take him in at any point before the massacre? Although, I don't doubt it had something to do with that stick in the ass Fugaku."

Both the two boys stared at each other as if they'd never seen each other before. Sakura broke the staring match by asking. "So what was that jutsu you used against Kakashi-sensei?"

"That, was an Uzumaki special, the Rectal Prolapse no Jutsu." He said. "It's unblockable, and very difficult to dodge, like an attack from someone coming out of a Shunshin. It's impossible from the distance Kakashi and I were standing." Seeing the look of want coming from Sasuke, he decided to nip that little power trip in the bud. "Sorry kid, but that's an Uzumaki technique, and unless you're willing to become an Uzumaki, then you can't learn it."

"Then how did you learn it?"

"I was adopted by Kushina." He replied, lifting his shirt to show what Naruto recognized as the Uzumaki Clan symbol tattooed on the man's abdomen. "See, it was back before my second Chuunin exam..."

Once he'd finished explaining- deciding that the trio didn't need to know he'd been labeled 'Kushina's Bitch' until he'd made Jounin because of the seal/tattoo- he looked at Sakura and Sasuke. "Still, I feel bad about your obviously unwanted foray in to the scat fetish, so how about to make up for traumatizing you two, I teach each one of you one of my two personal prank jutsu while I teach Naruto Rectal Prolapse." He got a pair of eager nods. "Let's see, Sasuke, I think my Static Fart Jutsu would fit you, and for Sakura my Nutcracker Jackhammer Jutsu would be more up your alley."

While normally Sasuke, and to a lesser extent Sakura, would have balked at the jutsu being offered based on it's name alone, after seeing the devastation of having ones rectum forcibly prolapsed, he decided to see what was being offered first.

"Okay, what do these jutsu do?" Sasuke asked.

"Well, my first jutsu was the Nutcracker Jackhammer no Jutsu. It's a doton jutsu that basically pulls the victims feel into the ground, and hardens into cement to prevent them from escaping. While this is happening, a column of rock shoots up between the victims legs, and starts to rapidly smash into the victims testicles. If used on a girl, the results might be a bit different, and depending on the girl, you may actually end up with an obsessed stalker declaring their undying love for you, so I'd stick to guys with this one." Something told the trio of Genin he knew that from personal experience. " Anyway, the nut smashing can be just once, or it can be repeated, depending upon how much chakra you initially use, and whether you keep channeling chakra into it."

"Sakura, if you're willing to be adopted into the Uzumaki Clan, I'll teach you the Rectal Prolapse if you teach me the Nutcracker." Sakura rubbed her chin for a moment. While learning the Prolapse was indeed tempting, the part about being adopted into Naruto's clan she wasn't so sure about. She'd seen the looks he got- though she did notice that the shinobi were showing a lot more kindness- and unless Naruto won over the civvies, or his heritage came out, being considered his family was social suicide.

"I'll think about it." She said. "I don't want to take the chance that someone thinks me joining your clan means that we're together, or something."

"Understood." Naruto said. "Still, if there's another jutsu in my arsenal that you're interested in, and that you can safely learn, I'm willing to discuss a trade."

"We'll see." She said, thinking about the jutsu she'd seen him use. She had to admit that his henge was a possibility. Then she'd be able to increase her bust to something less modest, and shrink her forehead to normal proportions.

"Now, the Static Fart Jutsu is fun, because it converts 3/4 the victims chakra to the lightening element, then the converted chakra shoots out of their ass like a storm of lightning accompanied by a long squeaky fart. Once the electricity has stopped flowing, the victim will move around a bit like they're drunk. Side effects include their hair standing up like they'd gotten a static shock, excess electricity in their body in the form of spastic twitches, and the victim's voice will be squeaky and sound like they inhaled helium.(1)"

Sasuke's face broke out into a maniacal grin. "Ten ryo says he's imagining a squeaky voiced Itachi with lightening shooting out of his ass."

"Sucker bet." Sakura and Xeno said at the same time.

"Of course, you'll need a lightening affinity to use it to its greatest effectiveness," Xeno taunted the last Uchiha. "-but you seem like the type to have a dual affinity with two elements whose primary use is to destroy everything in its path with little remorse."

That snapped Sasuke out of his new happy place. "Did he just insult me in an extremely subtle, yet exceedingly clever way so that everyone but me will understand the reference he was making?" Sasuke asked, turning to Sakura.

Giggling a little, she nodded. Naruto, however answered him. "Yes, he did."

"Well?"

"It was a quip referencing your avenger attitude, and how the unrelenting destructive forces of fire and lightening suit you."

"As much as I'd like to make him pay for that insult, having seen first hand what his jutsu are capable of, I'm going to err on the side of caution, and forgive him just this once." There was also the fact that he knew he couldn't beat a Jounin, but the answer he gave was more amusing.

"You just don't want your ass to be turned inside out." Naruto teased.

"Yes, well not everyone has a blood immunity to those kinds of jutsu." Sasuke argued back.

"Touche."

"Well, enough talk, it's time to learn." Xeno snapped.

888

"Have fun with your new jutsu, you three." Xeno told them a couple hours later. "And remember, all great ninja on some level put a great deal of stock into their reputations, and many of the stronger ones tend to be a bit arrogant about it. Everyone needs to be humbled every once in awhile, especially elite shinobi."

Ironically, as if proving his point, another voice interrupted."Ugh, now I remember why everyone feared Kushina, and it had nothing to do with the Kyuubi." Kakashi grumbled as he rejoined his team. "Sorry it took so long, but I had to go home and change."

"That, I totally believe." Sakura said, smirking.

"Right, Xeno, you're right, I did deserve that a bit." Kakashi admitted. "Now if you're done corrupting my students, I've got some assignments for their training for the next month."

"Nope, I'm done for now." Xeno said. "Although I might catch up with Naruto later."

Deciding to forget, and/or suppress, the implications of that statement, Kakashi outlined his plan. "Right, for the next month, Team 7 is going on hiatus. Since I'm going to training Sasuke personally for his fight against Gaara, I'm calling in a couple of favors to see that the two of you aren't neglected. Sakura, you're going to be working with Kurenai in the mornings once Hinata's back on her feet. You'll be replacing Shino for the time being, whose getting special training from his father for the finals. Naruto, I've-"

"Don't waste the favor, Kakashi-sensei, I've already got some plans for my training, as well as a potential sensei." He saw the look of horror on Kakashi's face. "No, not Xeno, someone more suited to training great ninja."

"Should I be insulted?"

"Considering he trained a former Hokage, no." Naruto answered. "Is that all?"

"Well, technically there's nothing else, just a nagging curiosity." Kakashi answered. "You keep bringing it up, so I was wondering if you wouldn't mind showing me this plothole of yours. The one you keep getting things from."

"Sure, no problem." Naruto replied, shocking the man.

"Ooh, can I come?" Xeno asked. "I've always wanted to see the infamous Uzumaki Plothole."

"It's not the main one, as that one was sealed up before Whirlpool was destroyed. Mito had this one set up when she moved to Konoha after marrying the Shodai." Turning to his teammates, he asked. "You two want to come with?"

"I'll pass." Sakura shuddered. "My gut tells me the complete illogicalness of what you're going to see is going to be too much for my brain to handle. I like being sane, so no."

"I've got a jutsu to master." Sasuke said, smirking evilly.

"Well, I guess it's just the three of us." Naruto grinned. "Come with me if you want to live."

"Am I the only one who finds it amusing that when people hear that from an Uzumaki, the urge to do the exact opposite is almsot overwhelming."

"No, it's usually that person's preservation instinct kicking into overdrive." Naruto replied.

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Ten minutes of tree hopping, five minutes of tree climbing up a cliff wall, four minutes of water walking, a short three minute restroom break, a two minute hike to a small cave, and a minute of the chicken dance- best you don't ask- later, they had arrived. They entered the small cave, and several torches automatically came to life upon sensing their presense. "If you want to remain sane, don't ask." Naruto warned, before pointing. "Well, there it is."

Looking to where Naruto was pointing, the two men beheld a small lake a few meters away- which was actually little more than a large puddle considering it was only about three feet at its widest point- with an island in the center. On the island, stood a podium, and on that poditum, a rather simple looking orange bowl with green and red spirals engraved into it. Naruto led the way over to the podium, and the three stood around it. The two elder men looked down into the bowl, and found that the plothole Naruto spoke so much about was inside the bowl, simply a gaping whole into nothingness.

"You mean to tell me this is real?" Kakashi said, shocked beyond words.

"Yup. What, you thought I was bluffing?"

"Wow, so 'Shina-nee wasn't just pulling my leg." Xeno said awed.

"You know, it's not as impressive as I thought it would be." Kakashi said.

"What were you expecting, a massive tear in reality that led to absolute nothingness, with lightening crackling around it."

"Yeah, kinda." He admitted.

Naruto sighed. "This is just the Konoha Branch Plothole that was connected the main one in Whirlpool. The main one might have been what you were expecting, but I've never seen it, so I wouldn't know." Naruto's eyes lit up. "Hang on, I have an idea. Now don't try this yourself, because the safeguards will kick in if someone who isn't an Uzumaki tries to do this."

Naruto went through a set of what looked like handseals, but nothing he was familiar with, before sticking his hand into the bowl. "I need a picture of the original Uzumaki Plothole." Pulling his hand free, Naruto also pulled with it a picture of the most epic looking tear in the space-time continuum that ever existed. Think of the most epic one you've ever seen, and this one would make it look like one of those simple black holes in the old Looney Tunes cartoons.

"Okay, now that was more along the lines of what I was expecting." Xeno said. "Y'know, that would make an awesome looking lightening jutsu if you could reproduce that visual effect."

"So, anything you wanted while we're here?" Naruto asked. "It would be a shame to make the trip and not grab anything."

"Well, I sort of misplaced an item during the war with Iwa, and I was wishing that I could get it back."

"Oh, what is it?"

"It was a staff that Kushina made for me." Xeno said. "When I became a Jounin, she actually carved me a staff out of a huge, treated log. It was awsome looking too. It was about six feet long, and had designs and seals carved into it so that it could channel chakra. The staff was a sort of golden, reddish-orange, and the seals and designs were painted green. It was frikkin awesome."

"The Mountain Breaker," Kakashi said, remembering- somewhat in awe- that staff being used against a Jinchuuriki, and actually knocking the the man out.

"It was called that because my my doton affinity added to the staff once knocked out a Jinchuuriki." Xeno said, then leaned down to Naruto. "Between the three of us, Kushina added something like a Gogyo Fuin onto the staff. She said she added it as a precaution in case she ever lost control of the Kyuubi, and had to be knocked out. She figured between Minato and I, we'd be able to take her down quickly and safely."

"Still, Mountain Breaker is a pretty cool name." Naruto admitted. "And extra help aside, you still knocked out a Jinchuuriki."

"Yeah," Xeno admitted. "I guess the extra purpose that was intended, as well as what I did with it, is why Kushina called it my Beat-A-Bitch stick."

"I take it back, that name is way better." Naruto said, grinning. Forming the fake seals, Naruto reached into the bowl again. "You're sure it wasn't destroyed, right?"

"Not really sure." Xeno said. "Kushina and I got caught in an explosive tag trap, and I dropped it. Kushina said that it should have survived the blast, but I didn't see it anywhere. I haven't seen it since."

"Right then, I need Xeno's Beat-A-Bitch stick." Naruto grinned when he felt something solid connect with his palm. Wrapping his fingers around it, he began to pull until the most awesome looking staff he'd ever seen was pulled free. Handing it over, he watched Xeno turn into a fangirl, and hug his stick like Ino often dreamed about hugging Sasuke.

"Oh, my baby, you've come back to me at last." He cheered.

888

In Iwa, a Jounin who had survived confrontations with both the Yellow Flash, and the Bloody Habenero- and was kind of a braggy douche about it- walked into his trophy room to find his prize possession missing. The suvenier that he'd gotten off the Habenero's bitch the last time he'd encountered her unit during the war was missing. In its place was a simple note. That not read.

_Uzumaki owns you again, bitch!_

Screaming a vicious scream of rage, he threw a bitch fit of epic proportions. Unsurprisingly, none of his comrades had any sympathy for him. It was common knowledge that it was bad form to speak ill of the dead unless they were like the scum of the earth- no pun intended. It was an even more risky thing to speak ill of the Uzumaki dead. Even if they were gone, there was something not normal about that clan, and there were still enough of their descendants floating around to be cautious.

888

While Xeno celebrated with his stick, Naruto turned to Kakashi. "Anything I can get for you?"

"No, Naruto, what I really want, I don't think you can give me." Naruto definitely understood what that was.

Kakashi wanted closure, something he hadn't had a chance to get until Nagato had attacked, Kakashi had been killed for several minutes, and had had the chance to talk to his father. Really, it was amazing the things you could get out of people when they were wasted. Going through the fake seals, Naruto reached into the bowl, and pulled out what looked like a small, cordless phone.

"How about this?" Naruto said, presenting the phone to him. "It's a special phone that will allow you to contact the realm of the dead so that you can talk to your dad."

To Naruto's shock, Kakashi's visible eye widened, and he paled until his face matched his hair- which was really creepy in a way. Declining the phone, Kakashi turned, and walked away, muttering to himself that he knew he should never have asked about the plothole. Just as the seriously freaked out- and mildly traumatized- Kakashi left the cave, Naruto could have sworn he heard him question whether he could use his sharingan through a mirror to genjutsu himself into forgetting what he just saw.

Naruto frowned, not suspecting Kakashi to react so negatively. He was taken out of his thoughts by Xeno finally recovering from his happy reunion. "Hey, where's he headed?"

"Uh," Naruto less than discreetly tossed the phone back into the bowl. "Kakashi decided he'd rather not have the item I pulled for him."

"Oh, well, I was wondering," Xeno said. "You pulled out a picture of the original plothole, right?"

Naruto's eyes frowned. "I'm not pulling you any pictures of naked women, you pervert."

"What, no nothing like that." Xeno said. "Besides, I wouldn't have survived being Kushina's friend if I'd have been a pervert. If you thought a prolapsed rectum was bad, you should have seen what she did to perverts back in our day. I think Jiraiya was the only one she never bothered, and that was because even as an unrepentant perve, he still greatly respected women."

"Oh, then what did you want?"

"Well, I was wondering if you could get a picture of Kakashi's face without his mask." Naruto's eyes widened.

"Wow, why didn't I think of that?" Naruto dipped his hand into the bowl, and made his request, and a moment later, pulled a picture of Kakashi's unmasked face. He took one look at the picture, did a full on eye twitch, then shook his head, and shuddered.

"You know, now I completely understand why he wears that mask." Xeno said. "I can also see why Kushina said that he'd be able to get just about any woman he wanted if he took off his mask. And it does kind of explain Rin's sudden obsession with him after that day Minato sent her to get him for that emergency team meeting."

"I think I might have been gay for like half a second after seeing that." Naruto admitted. "Now I'm sorry for ever doubting him. I just hope he never takes his mask off in front of Haku or Hinata. As good as our relationship is, I'd probably be back to being single again if that ever happened."

Oddly enough, four years later both girls would get a good look at Kakashi's face. Contrary to what Naruto thought, they didn't leave him...they found Naruto, kidnapped him, and they weren't seen for four days. That night would result in the first of four pregnancy scares before Naruto created a contraceptive seal for his loves.

"No wonder Ayame and Teuchi reacted like that in the series." NB spoke into his mind. "He'd get raped by hoards of women no matter where he went."

Deciding he needed to be held by a beautiful woman after that episode, Naruto led Xeno back to the village, making sure to deposit the picture back into the hole.

888

The next day, after visiting Hinata- who was recovering very well, but still restricted to bedrest for the rest of the week just to be sure- Naruto headed out to the hotsprings to acquire his new sensei. It took some convincing, but once again he'd been given the toad contract to sign, as well as a quick lesson in summoning. Deciding to see if he could get something else out of the man aside from summoning, Naruto decided to get things over with quickly.

On his first attempt, he summoned a small, common toad; nothing impressive, but still a fully grown toad. On his second attempt he summoned Gamakichi, introducing himself as the new toad summoner, and easily making friends with the toad. Just to be on the safe side, he summoned Gamatatsu on the third try, and introduced himself to that toad as well. On his fourth try, he summoned Gama, the same toad that Jiraiya had summoned the first time he'd met him.

Finally deciding to go for broke, Naruto summoned as much chakra as he could, and when the smoke cleared Gamabunta was standing in the middle of a hotspring, in the middle of Konoha. He thoroughly enjoyed watching Gamabunta rant at Jiraiya about summoning him, and about being irresponsible enough to have a boy summon him in the middle of the village. Nothing Jiraiya said would placate the giant toad, and the very thorough thrashing that Jiraiya got from the toad was even more amusing. Eventually, he again became the Chief Toad's minion, and with a puff of smoke, the toad was gone.

"I hope you enjoyed that gaki, because you're not getting anything else from me." An annoyed Jiraiya spoke, dropping from the tree he'd been hiding in while his mud clone took that beating. Naruto gave the man a foxy grin, both of them knowing the elder shinobi was lying through his teeth.

"So, that means if I told you I knew the real secret behind my seal, what it was really intended to do, and how I'm alreaady halfway there, you'd just ignore everything I said?" Naruto teased.

"Okay, I'll bite." Jiraiya said with a frown several moments of thought later. "How did you find out about the seal?"

"The fox is rather talkative when he's drunk." Naruto explained. "Told me my seal was like mom's on steroids. Then he called me a midget pirate, and accused me of stealing his chakra."

"Wait, back up, how did you get the fox drunk?"

"I'm an Uzumaki, do you really want the details?" Naruto's sinister smile told the Sennin all he needed to know.

"You know what, forget I asked." Jiraiya said. "So, what do you think the seal is intended for?"

"Well, it'll allow for me to actually take control of the fox's chakra for myself." Naruto said. "And I don't mean draw from the fox, but take it, and store it separate from the fox."

"And how did you figure that out?" Jiraiya asked, impressed. It had taken him almost five years of studying the seal to figure that out, and he had the key to the damn thing to help.

"The fox told me about it, and offered to give me his chakra no strings attached for a favor." Jiraiya raised an eyebrow at that. "We had a traumatic experience, and because demons can't supress memories, he gave me that offer in exchange for keeping him liquored up enough that the alcohol would supress it."

"This is one of those that only happens to an Uzumaki things, isn't it?" Naruto nodded.

"Yup, so since I've already mastered summoning, how about you teach me the Rasengan?" Jiraiya narrowed his eyes at the boy.

"What makes you think that I know it?" The Sage asked. "And even if I did, what makes you think that I'd teach you my student's technique?" He certainly didn't like the smug, knowing grin he got in return.

"Jiji told me who my parents are, and that you're my godfather." Naruto lectured, causing Jiraiya to wince. "Since my dad taught you the Rasengan, that means that you're technically required to teach it to me."

"Given that I can somehow follow your train of logic, I'll admit that you're right, but that doesn't mean I have to do it now." Jiraiya informed him. "I can wait until I think you're ready."

Frowning, Naruto decided to use his ultimate weapon against the self-proclaimed Super Pervert. "Hey Ero-Sennin, do you know the Kage Bunshin?"

"Yeah, so?"

A puff of smoke later, and his original Oiroke- only this time with Tsunade-like proportions- was standing in front of the man. "Jiraiya-kun, will you _please_ teach me the Rasengan?"

"Anything for you." The man said, trying not to drool, and nearly failing. The puff of smoke returning Naruto to his natural form earned him a glare.

"I'll teach you that in exchange for the Rasengan, and that will give you access to all the research you can handle, without putting yourself in danger from peeping." Naruto said, causing Jiraiya's eyes to widen. "A couple months ago I even upgraded it to the point where you can mix and match girls by thinking of the parts of different girls you like, and the jutsu will automatically put them together in the proper form. Plus, now you can even add animal parts if you want a sexy catgirl or bunny girl. Normally, it's against my moral code to do something like this, but I'm willing to make this one sacrifice for a good cause."

'_Hmm, are you sure I shouldn't be apprenticing under you?_' Jiraiya asked mentally, genuinely impressed. Aloud, his answer was different. "As tempting as that is, I'm stil not sure that I should." Jiraiya said, remembering what sensei had said about the boy, his opponent, and what the opponent had done to his girlfriend. He had to admit that he was impressed the boy had gotten an heiress for a girlfriend, and the Hyuuga one at that. He hadn't had the chance to meet the other one yet, but from what the old monkey said, she was hauntingly beautiful.

"If it makes you feel any better, I promise that I won't use it on Neji, even if he deserves it for what he did to Hinata."

"Fine, I'll teach you, but you better keep that promise, gaki."

By the time Naruto went home that day, he could once again perform the Rasengan, and Jiraiya had a new technique for his research- and the fact that Jiraiya made for an exceptionally curvy, disturbingly hot mature woman freaked him out almost as much as Gaara's did. He wondered if the pervert would remember that he got back the memories of his Shadow Clones before trying to perform what Kiba had once called Extremely Advanced Masturbation. Then again, the fact that he probably would try it meant that he likely wouldn't care.

He made sure to take at least an hour for each part, and he'd had a few dozen Kage Bunshin working on it with him, but he had his first super move back. And now that he had the Rasengan back in his arsenal, and at least two months before he had any fights where he would need it, he was going to try and do something he'd never managed in the old timeline: creating it one-handed. He was going to take advantage of the headstart he had. And after the invasion, he was going to put as many clones as he could on getting it down. Sure, it would take him awhile because of his shoddy chakra control, but that would come with time, and hopefully be finished by the time they met up with Tsunade-baachan.

888

The next morning found Sakura meeting Naruto at the hospital...more specifically in Hinata's room. While Hinata could have gone home already, the fact was, she didn't want to yet. While her father and the elders had accepted Naruto as her boyfriend, and potentially her husband in a few years, they were not going to allow him to visit her in her room while she was on mostly bedrest, and a light excercise regiment. Thus Hinata had been allowed to stay in her hospital bed after the chief on staff had granted the favor to Haku for such diligent work, and for having so much experience on her first day as to not have to have things explained to her repeatedly.

Anywho, Sakura had learned from Kurenai that her team was on hiatus until Hinata fully recovered. This meant that not only did she have afternoons free for the next month, but she also had the entire day for most of the next week. Since Naruto also seemed to have a bunch of free time- which kind of worried her given his spot in the finals, and who his opponent was- she decided to ask him to work with her. He had told her he would.

"Okay Sakura, I said I'd help you get stronger, so the frist thing I'm going to do, is give you some advice." Naruto said. "I don't know if you thought I was joking last time, but I meant it when I say you need to give up your diet."

"But-"

"Being an active duty ninja requires a lot of calories, so if you're training yourself like you're supposed to be, you won't get fat." Naruto informed her. "You'll be able to get stronger and keep your 'sexy', petite, figure. Trust me on this, if you've seen the way Anko eats, you'd know I'm not bullshitting you."

"Okay, I'll stop, but it's going to take a bit of time to get rid of old habits."

"Don't worry, I've got a plan." Naruto grinned. "Since you lack stamina, there's not much we can do right away. What I suggest, is that you find something nutritious that you like, and have at it until you pick up a few pounds. Once you have something to burn off, then we can really start working you. I can guarantee you that by the time we're finished you'll be too hungry to even think about dieting." Sakura rightfully paled at that.

"The second thing I'm going to do requires that I ask you a question." Taking a deep breath, and knowing that Sakura's instinctive reaction was going to result in him having to dodge a swing, Naruto soldiered forward. "Do you happen to have a bikini?"

"Yes, but why would that be relavent to my training?" She asked with narrowed eyes.

"Well, I've been using training seals to help me develop physically. The first set I found while snooping in the Hokage's Tower. They put a resisting strain on the body that will increase your strength, speed, chakra reserves, and even your chakra control to a small extent.

The second set I found were the ones my family created. I've been using these since we returned from the Wave mission. From what I can feel, they seem to be very similar seals, but my family's seal puts a different kind of strain on the body, and the instructions said that they could only be used on an Uzumaki."

"Do you know how it works?" Sakura asked.

"I didn't understand it at first, but this is the best description I can give you of my family one." Naruto said.

As he explained it to her, Sakura couldn't help but go wide eyed at what her teammate was doing, and the level of skill his family had with seals. All of a sudden, being 'adopted' by the Uzumaki didn't seem like such a bad idea. She did find herself a little disappointed that the Uzumaki genetically had a physical disposition that allowed for them to use this seal, but that very few others could ever safely use it. Still, the first one had promise, and she was sure he'd mentioned the seals for a reason.

"Now, to get to the point of my asking if you had a bikini." Naruto said. "The seal has to be applied to the bare skin of the torso."

"Are you asking me to take off my top?" Sakura asked, gaining a nod. "How long?" She couldn't see how applying a seal would require her to be topless for very long...unless it was a very complicated seal which she didn't think it would be, or unless there was more to it.

"In a sense." Naruto replied. "To apply the seal, one needs bared skin, but it'd also have to dry, and I'd also have to charge it."

"What do you mean 'charge it'?"

"Normally, the seal would draw upon your own reserves to charge itself," Naruto started. "And with the strength of this seal, it's not recommended for rookie Genin. Still, for most Genin at this stage in their development, even kunoichi, they'd have more than enough chakra to do so, even if they'd have to take it easy for the rest of the day. Because you spent so much time neglecting your training, your reserves are far less than what they could, and should be, meaning it could quite possibly drain you completely. Hence why I'd have to charge it." She didn't bother asking how he could use it, as he'd apparently learned Kage Bunshin sometime before team assignments, and that took Jounin level reserves just to use.

"Anyway, the reason for the need of at least the bikini top, would be prolonged upper exposure to do the seal. I ended up going topless for almost an hour while a Shadow Clone applied the training seal. The application doesn't actually take much time at all, waiting for the ink to dry does. Now, I might have something that will make the ink dry faster, but that method might not be a good idea."

"You said almost an hour otherwise?" Naruto nodded. "Then I'd rather use that, even if it is uncomfortable."

"Suit yourself." Naruto said. "Oh, and before I forget, when you get out of here, remind me to put this on you and Haku too, okay, Hinata-chan."

"H-hai, Naruto-sama." Hinata said, then blushed at the sudden thrill that shot up her spine, and tingled down to other parts.

"Sakura, I'd suggest you go home, and get changed while I get my sealing stuff." Naruto said, before leaving her with Hinata. Turning back, she asked.

"You're not bothered by this, are you?"

"No, I know Naruto-sama loves me." She said. "Besides, he's already promised that he'd never cheat on us, and Naruto never goes back on his word."

888

Twenty minutes later, Sakura and Naruto were standing in their team's training ground. Reluctantly, and with her face matching her hair, Sakura removed her shirt to reveal a fairly tasteful red bikini top. Naruto frowned at the fact that he could see Sakura's ribs, even if just a bit. Ignoring that for the moment, Naruto asked the pertinent question.

"So, where do you want your seal?" She gave him a quisitive look. "Well, it has to be someplace easily hidden, but also someplace you can easily access in case you need to release it in an emergency."

"Uh, my right shoulder blade, I guess." Sakura answered.

"Right," Naruto said, getting his supplies in order as they both sat on the grass. "Uh, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm going to need to pull your right strap down."

Sakura threw a glare over her shoulder. "Why?"

"Because the strap is going to get in the way of the seal." Naruto answered clinically. Sure, Sakura was attractive in her own way, but between Haku and Hinata, he was definitely over her.

"Oh," She replied. Sakura still hesitated for a moment, before doing as asked, as her face turned pink with embarrassment.

As Naruto painted the seal on her shoulder, Sakura couldn't help noticing that the gentle strokes of the brush against her skin felt rather good, almost like a lover's caress; and given who was doing it, it made her feel fairly awkward. After about ten minutes, Naruto was done with the seal, and not a moment too soon. Naruto had been forced to change brushes twice for the detail work, and damn if that tiny brush hadn't made her feel things she didn't think she was mature enough to be feeling.

She finally got her repreive when Naruto began resealing his tools, but it didn't last long. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw Naruto make a hand seal, and place his right hand on her bare shoulder. She found it odd that his hand was cupped so that his palm wasn't touching it, belatedly realising that if he touched it, the ink would probably smudge. She spent a couple more seconds trying to figure out what he was doing, before she felt it; the caress of alternating warm and cold air brushing against her shoulder. If she thought the brushes were making her feel awkwardly turned on, the brush from the soft, pulsing gusts of air on her shoulder made it seem like harsh slaps. Sakura was forced to bite her lip to keep the moan from escaping her thoat.

Even if she was vaguely successful on that front, she could still feel herself reacting in other ways. Cupping her hands over her chest to hide one such reaction- even if Naruto couldn't see, nor did he seem to even be paying attention to that- she could feel two points pressing into her palms. Damn puberty, making her react to everything, and damn Naruto for putting her in a position where she would. What the hell was he doing to her anyway?

Extremely glad when Naruto pulled away, she almost cringed when Naruto then said. "Okay, now I have to charge your seal."

As Naruto channeled chakra into the seal to charge it, Sakura couldn't hold back her moan any longer, though thankfully, it wasn't as ridiculously audible as it sounded to her. It was well known that each person's chakra had a kind of distinguishing feel to it, but only truly gifted sensors could ever feel chakras on that level. The only time normal shinobi ever experienced it was when shinobi couples were intimate, or when friendly shinobi were using their own chakras to help recharge a comrade- which was fairly rare given the normal chakra control discrepencies, chakra or affinity types, and obsessions with bloodlines.

This is the position that Sakura suddenly found herself in at that moment. Naruto hadn't been completely truthful when he'd talked about charging the seal, although it was entirely possibly that he might not truly understand the difference. What he was currently doing, was channeling his own chakra into her to boost her reserves, so that the seal- which actually _was_ feeding off her own chakra- wouldn't drain her. As a result, she could feel the full extent of Naruto's inhumanly massive reserves, the all emcompassing calm, safety, warmth, and general happiness and affection that his chakra seemed to exude. And it really didn't take a sensor to notice that underlying hint of primal energy that was just screaming at her to take her clothes off, and do something that she was wholly unready for.

Damn it, this was even more arousing than what he'd been doing before. Her breath was coming in heavy pants, and with each filling of her lungs, she could feel two very hard nubs pressing insistently into her palms.

How the hell was this happening, and why the hell was this happening? She knew she wasn't mature enough to be feeling things like this, and she should definitely not be feeling them for Naruto. Not only that, but Naruto was far too young and immature to be generating these kinds of feelings in girls. But then again, he had slept with Haku, and whatever he'd done had been good enough to make her and Zabuza join their village...and she really needed to stop thinking about this before _she_ started crushing on Naruto. While she could admit that everything she'd once thought about Naruto was completely wrong, that didn't mean she wanted to start having romantic feelings for him.

Luckily for her peace of mind, the chakra flow stopped. She blushed at the groan of disappointment she heard come from her when he pulled away. Damn if the feel of his chakra wasn't addictive. Clearing her throat, Sakura quickly reached down, grabbed ahold of her shirt, and quickly redonned it. Turning back to her sort of trainer for the next month, she sat when he gestured for her to do so, happy for the distraction as he explained his training plans for her.

"Okay, the first thing I need to tell you, is that we won't be using your seal yet." Naruto explained. "Because you chose to neglect certain aspects of your training in favor of trying to impress Sasuke, you don't have the strength or stamina required to really use the seal as it's supposed to be used. That being said, by the end of this month, I hope to have you at a point where we can turn it on, and actually start using it during training. You've still got awhile before you can keep it on outside of that, though."

"It's alright, it was my fault that I'm so far behind, so I just have to work extra hard to get caught up." Sakura said.

"I'm glad you think so." Naruto said. "Sakura Haruno, I would like to officially welcome you to hell."

Sakura groaned. "Somehow I knew you were going to say something like that."

By the time she got home that night, she was starving, and actually ended up eating third portions of everything. When questioned by her mother about her diet, Sakura said that Naruto had worked her too hard, and that she was too hungry to care about it. Concentrating on her food as she was, Sakura didn't notice her mother's blush- apparently word of Naruto's penis size, and the discovery that it was a bloodline, had been circulating the gossip circles- or her father's stern frown.

It only took her father interrogating her- and really, introducing him to her, then, best friend's father had been a mistake- for her to explain that Naruto was training her. It had been he who'd told her that the diet she was on was not only detrimental to her development as a kunoichi, but wholly unnecessary if she actually worked to get better. She'd then gave an abbreviated version of the things Naruto had her doing, and Mr. Haruno resolved to speak with his good friend Mr. Yamanaka about recruiting the boy for the Anbu Interrogation division.

888888

By the start of the third week, Naruto had a hundred clones each working on Frog Kata, his mother's family style, one handed sealing, and another fifty getting Summoning back to muscle memory once he'd gotten the pervert to teach him. He'd also been taking the time to train with Sakura and Hinata on the days that they weren't training with Kurenai. Naruto had to smirk at the fact that he'd been right about Sakura and Ino's match. Within just the two weeks he and Hinata had been working with her, she'd greatly improved.

While she still wasn't capable of utilizing the seal, her reserves were actually approaching something approaching proper Genin levels. Hinata on the other hand had finally gotten to a point where she could turn it on, and even warm-up with it on- mostly to get used to being under its effects- she hadn't started actually training with it though. Haku joined them occasionally, and when she did, she usually performed light kata with the seal activated. Even while overseeing the two kunoichi's training, Naruto didn't neglect his own.

Naruto spent the time working on his own physical skills, trying to push himself to increase his always atrocious chakra control. He'd come up with two very interesting new ways to use the Leaf Floating exercise. The first had been to create a flack jacket made out of leaves that resembled the ones Jounin and Chuunin wore, while water walking. The next had been to create a gourd similar to Gaara's made out of leaves. That had proven to be just a bit beyond his control range at the moment, but he was definitely going to come back to it. Having seen Hinata, Sakura, and Haku actually pull it off, and having Haku explain to him what kind of strain he could expect, he really wanted to get to that point. His ultimate goal was to develop his chakra control to the point that he could produce a Rasengan, and all of its variations with only one hand. Adding his element he knew would take time, even with clones, so would probably have to wait until his travels with Ero-Sennin.

That, however, was how Naruto spent his mornings, his afternoons- the ones that weren't spent training with his three kunoichi training partners when Haku joined them- were spent on more interesting endeavors. The first had been an excursion he'd made around midway through the second week, sneaking into Danzo's underground base. He'd infiltrated the base, and was wondering where in the office Danzo might keep copies of his special seal- as well as a couple of those fuuton jutsu he'd been well known for- when he'd finally been discovered by Danzo himself.

Naruto knew from the twitch of the man's hand that he was forcefully staying his instinctual reactions. He also knew that had he been just about anyone else, he'd have been dead, and being labeled a trespassing traitor would have cleared Danzo of any wrongdoing. Thankfully, Naruto was both an Uzumaki and the Jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi...both currently great assets to the village. The simple fact was, having the Kyuubi vessel was a trump card that even Danzo realised the village couldn't afford to lose. And with the Uzumaki having been the only people with the physical disposition to house the fox, Danzo would figure that they at least needed to keep Naruto around until he reproduced.

There was also a small hint of respect coming from the man- something Naruto had only ever seen when Danzo interacted with jiji. While the man would never admit it, he could tell the old warhawk was impressed that he'd gotten in, and to his office unnoticed. He had to mentally thank Sai for giving him a tour after Danzo's death at Sasuke's hands, and for the unnecessarily detailed list of security holes he'd been too afraid to bring to his master's attention for fear of being silenced for knowing about them.

"What are you doing in my office?" Danzo asked. "And how did you get into my compound without alerting any of my guards." Naruto gave him a very abbreviated version of how he'd found the place; one involving him being a curious child, and sneaking in when no one was home.

"Hmph, I find myself annoyingly impressed." Danzo said scowling, shocking Naruto that he'd admitted it. "What do you want, Kyuubi?"

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki," Naruto started annoyed, not realising that Danzo had called him Kyuubi just to annoy him. Just because he didn't do it often, or in any obvious manner, didn't mean he wasn't capable of having fun. Hell, if it wasn't for the fact that between he and Hiruzen, they had enough blackmail to keep most of the people who'd known them as children silent, the stories one could hear about them would have made Naruto idolize them rather than the Yondaime. "-and I've heard tale that you are in possession of a rather interesting paralysis seal." Naruto bet the old man was wondering just how he'd known about that.

"What would it take for you to consider teaching me that seal so that I can use it to kick Neji's ass with?" Naruto gave him a moment to think about that, before completely changing the subject. He'd found keeping people off balance often got them to agree to what you wanted if you got them confused enough to be willing to do anything to get rid of you before they got a headache trying to keep up. "But first, I've always wondered, what's your beef with jiji? I know you wanted to be Hokage and all, but really why do you dislike him so much?"

"Because he's too soft."

"In some cases, I'd agree, but you do realise that if we always took an aggressive stance towards everything like you seem to want to do, we'd never get out of wars, and pretty soon, there'd be no one left to fight."

"Real shinobi work in the shadows, are never seen, while Hiruzen wears his heart on his sleeve."

"You do realise that everyone knows that you're still operating, and kind of look the other way because that means they don't get called for the dirty jobs. Hell, if you maybe tried working with the Hokage, instead of politicking behind his back, people might start respecting you in a positive way, rather than out of fear."

And so it began, Naruto rambling incessantly, completely tearing down everything Danzo believed in and stood for- well everything that was really a contradiction of what he thought being a Konoha ninja meant- but I digress. One massive dose of Therapy no Jutsu later, and after Danzo had inwardly sobbed- he cried on the inside while keeping his features completely stoic; yeah, he's badass like that- at the fact that he'd let such a foolish happenstance drive such a huge wedge between he and his bestfriend/rival, he schooled his inner features until they matched his outer ones.

"Anyway, I came here for a reason, and I'm willing to negotiate terms for that reason."

"Yes, my seal, what are you willing to part with?" Danzo considered himself a very good negotiator. If he played his cards right, he might be able to trade a couple of those interesting Uzumaki family seals he'd been hoping to get ahold of ever since he'd learned the boy had somehow found the family scroll...or at least a copy of it."

"How about the security holes that I used to get in here for starters." A bit more haggling later- and Danzo was again annoyed at having to admit the boy was fairly good at it- found Naruto showing Danzo some of the holes in his security that he hadn't even thought were issues before. Although, Naruto was smart enough to withold a few just in case Danzo became a problem later.

In exchange- and because the boy had showed him just how vulnerable he was to other shinobi of his calibur, rare as they were- Danzo not only gave Naruto the instruction scrolls to a couple Fuuton Jutsu (and amazingly enough the ones that he'd been after), but he'd also personally taught him the fuinjutsu he'd come there to learn in the first place. Naruto did have to promise to consider joining Ne, but he'd already made his decision by the time he left the compound. Now one may wonder why Danzo was so willing to help without getting more out of the deal...well, it didn't hurt that Danzo was hoping to see the sometimes arrogant Hyuuga get put in their places, and what better way than to have their prodigy get embarrassed by the village pariah.

After that fortuitous venture, Naruto had divided his time between learning the paralysis seal, learning and perfecting the modified (making it only temporary) bloodline sealing fuinjutsu, and applying the seals to absorb and drain any chakra that comes into contact with it to the repaired Anbu armor he'd finally gotten back.

Naruto had also made time for a couple of fun pranks. With judicious use of his favorite jutsu, Kage Bunshin, he spent the day tormenting some of the more rabid Kyuubi haters. What he did, was create several dozen Kage Bunshin, that turned into very short lived mini versions of his Biju. These biju would follow those rabid haters around trying to get their attention. What made things even worse, was that many of these same people had been less than polite to Anko over the years, never letting her forget that she'd been duped by a master of manipulation. She'd been very happy to help by placing Genjutsu on the clones so that only the targets- or someone like Kakashi or Kurenai who had methods or the talent to see through them immediately- could see the biju.

Before he snapped- and was later found sitting in his bedroom crying about the Kyuubi haunting him- one unfortunate soul had found himself being tailed by two of the clones. "Psst, hey." and "Hey, check this out." haunting his every step(2).

888888

On a surprisingly cool- especially for that time of year- morning later that week, one could find Hinata and Sakura headed towards the training ground that Team 8 used for training. Glancing over to her oddly sluggish temporary teammate, Sakura noticed that the young heiress was also dazed and groggy.

"Hinata, are you alright?" Startled out of her sleep deprived daze, Hinata turned to the girl who'd become something of a fairly good friend. Seeing the nearly bloodshot eyes, and thinking the girl had been crying she asked. "Hinata, what's wrong?"

"Huh, what do you mean?" Sakura had to inwardly smile. Being Naruto's girlfriend had done wonders for her confidence. While she still stuttered when she was nervous, was still fairly easy to embarrass sometimes, was still the sweetest and most kind person ever, and blushed like crazy when she was embarrassed, she wasn't a pushover anymore.

"Your eyes are red like you've been crying."

Hinata blushed, so it must be something that she felt highly embarrassed about."Ano, Naruto-sama put the training seals on Haku-nee and I last night."

Hinata's answer caused Sakura to blush this time. "It's a very interesting experience, isn't it?"

"If you mean extremely arousing, then yes."

'_Okay, so maybe Hinata's confidence boost wasn't so great a thing._' Sakura thought, as the blunt comment- something that seemed more Haku's style- made her blush even redder, especially in remembrance of the effects it had had on her.

"So why so drowsy? I know it's a little draining, but you look spent."

"Interesting choice of words." Seeing Sakura's questioning look, she shook her head. "No we didn't, but...well...I don't have to explain what I was feeling when he did it, because you obviously felt it too. The difference is that I love him, he loves me, and therefore the feelings I felt during the transfer were much more intense."

"W-what happened?"

"Haku-nee climaxed." Hinata revealed, again far more bluntly than she'd have expected. "And my reaction was only just less intense."

"Oh." Sakura said, unable to think of anything else to add to that.

"Yes, and because of that, my dreams were filled with things that I'm too young to be doing, and I woke up covered in sweat and exhausted beyond reason."

"So you needed the transfer too?" Sakura decided it was better to change the subject- bad memories only awaited pursuing that avenue. "I would have thought your reserves would be larger, since you've been training with Haku and Naruto for the last six months."

"While my reserves are larger than yours, it's only by about 20 percent, still not enough to power the seal alone. Since my family's taijutsu requires precise control, like you, I was able to make a smaller chakra store go a long way. Haku-nee only just had enough, but opted for the transfer. She still had to be carried home, and fell asleep in Naruto-sama's arms on the way."

Whatever else was about to be said was halted as they reached their destination, and a gruff voice called. "You two are late!"

Deciding to take a page from Naruto's book, Sakura replied. "Oh put a sock in it, you mangy mutt. Because of Naruto, Hinata had a very exhausting night, and she's still feeling the effects." Kiba gaped at Sakura, before turning to Hinata, turning red in the face, and fainting and foaming at the mouth. "I think the puppy's got rabies."

Hinata- who couldn't believe what Sakura had said, the way she said it, nor the fact that she purposefully implanted implications about certain actions into Kiba's head simply by turning a phrase- turned a brighter red than she had since before becoming Naruto's girlfriend. And embarrassed red she hadn't been able to achieve since the times when she couldn't even stand next to Naruto without hyperventilating.

Nearby, as Kurenai watched the interesting byplay of her temporary team, she had to thank her lucky stars that Naruto had stopped by the evening before to warn her about Hinata's possible condition. If he hadn't, she'd have probably been searching for the blond to castrate him for violating Hinata's innocence. She couldn't help but marvel at how much Naruto had been such a good and bad influence on their age group.

In the two weeks he'd been working with Sakura before she'd joined them, he'd actually gotten the girl started, and well on her way, to realising her potential. While the girl's control was great, her former attitude had meant she'd only just escaped being a dropout by being teamed with Naruto and Sasuke. Now she was on the fast track to approaching respectable for her age. And as much as she'd like to turn the girl into a Genjutsu Mistress, she just knew the girl would be far more useful to the medical corps. It was just too bad that Tsunade had left the village, and vowed never to return. Sakura was prime apprentice material for the Slug-hiime.

Unfortunately, Naruto had had an oddly positive/negative influence on the way she dealt with annoyances. Where she used to just react violently, now she used inappropriate innuendo, or embarrassing comments to silence them. And it would seem Naruto's creativity had also rubbed off, as she'd also been able to come up with something entirely new to slap Kiba with each time he mouthed off.

For Hinata, the girl's confidence had gone through the roof since gaining Naruto as a boyfriend. That alone was worth the less than impressive traits that she'd osmosed from him. Things like a slightly perverted streak that she was thankfully able to keep hidden, but if her constant blushing whenever anything that could even be considered a double entendre was anything to go by, it was only just barely. There was also the fact that she 'd developed a bluntness that was just on the proper side of frustrating sometimes.

Shaking her head, she called her temp team to attention, and started their training for the day.

888

While this was going on, Naruto was in another part of the village witnessing something that was kind of disturbing, yet insanely amusing. What was he witnessing, you ask? Why, he was witnessing fem!Gaara- she had decided to just go with this name, until she decided on one for herself- accosting Rock Lee as he left the grounds where he'd been training with his sensei. It would seem that she was more than just passingly interested in procreating with Bushy Brow; she fully intended to do just that, and as soon as possible.

At first when he'd seen her stalking Lee, he'd thought it was kind of funny. Heck, he'd even thought it was fitting that such a disturbingly hot girl was so determined to attach herself to a boy most girls in Konoha wouldn't even give a second glance to. He wasn't sure why the girl had been cupping her chest the few times he'd seen her watching Lee- even if he had a hunch as to why- but something told him that it was something private that he probably shouldn't have been watching. He really should have been paying closer attention to what was going on.

Taking a breath, Naruto cancelled his training plans for the day, and headed back into the village to find either Gaara, or failing that, Temari. One of them should probably be made aware that their sister was likely going to rape Lee or something if they didn't have a talk with her soon. Of course, that got him to thinking, which led to another realisation. If fem!Gaara didn't understand, it was highly unlikely that Gaara didn't fully understand those kinds things either. Damn, that meant he was going to have to find Temari.

Upon finding the blonde in the training grounds assigned to their teams, Naruto watched the young woman train for a moment, before a huge gust of wind tore through the grounds towards him.

"I know you're there spying on me." Temari yelled. "Come out now, and I might spare you."

"Trust me, if I wanted to spy on you, you wouldn't have noticed me there." Naruto replied, coming out from behind the tree he'd taken refuge behind to avoid the wind. "I'm actually here to deliver a warning that you might want to pay attention to."

"Oh, trying to intimidate me before the finals, eh?" She taunted. "Well it's not going to work, I've dealt with Gaara my whole life, it'll take more than a Genin to scare me."

Naruto was tempted to reveal that he had a bigger, much more bad ass demon sealed in him than an alcoholic tanuki, but decided to keep that one close to the vest for the moment. "You know, I'm tempted to just say the hell with it, and let you find out after the fact, but I consider Gaara to be a friend, and helping him is more important than spiting you."

That brought the Suna Genin up short. "Fine, what did you want to tell me?"

"I just thought that you might want to know that your little sister has been stalking Rock Lee." Naruto informed.

"Who the-"

"Green spandex onesy, gave Gaara his first black eye." Naruto answered.

"Okay, so she's stalking him." Temari said, shrugging. "Gaara used to stalk people that interested him all the time before he got on his kill everything kick. Considering she's a female version of him, I'd have been more surprised if she hadn't started stalking him."

"Yes, but this is different." Naruto smirked. "I highly doubt Gaara ever stalked anyone with the purpose of screwing them." 

"What?!"

"It would seem that fem!Gaara has developed an obsession with procreating with Lee, and has been stalking him with the intention of doing so. Earlier today, I was heading out to train, when I stumbled upon her accosting Lee asking him when he would be ready to procreate with her. If I were you, I'd suggest someone should give her the talk. Matter of fact, you might want to have someone give Gaara the talk too considering they were the same person just a few weeks ago."

"Um, okay, thanks for the warning." Temari said, entirely unsure of how to approach either Gaara or his freakishly sexy twin about the birds and the bees.

888

While this was going on, Oiroke Gaara could be found walking calmly through the village, enjoying the scenery as it were. She'd just gotten a vow of compliance to procreate with her from the green clad boy who had hit the other Gaara. Unfortunately the boy's sensei overheard them, and insisted that they wait until they were older before breeding. She personally didn't see the point in waiting, but the older man who looked like the boy said that Lee might not be ready for something like that.

This confused her as she could tell perfectly well from the decent sized lump in the crotch of his suit that he was capable of acheiving and maintaining the needed state for the male part of human mating. She wasn't exactly sure about her own fertility, and didn't know if she was ovulating- as the surprisingly nice nurse had explained it- but she figured that if he had a suitable enough volume and potency, she should be able to conceive like the books said. But what would happen after that? She would certainly raise any young she reared, but she would first have to learn how to do that. Maybe this is what the larger green man meant when he said they weren't ready.

'_Hmm, I shall have to ask Temari._' Fem!Gaara thought. '_Other me is unlikely to know, and it's doubtful that the brother I dislike for some unknown reason has any experience with the opposite sex._'

Her internal musing was cut short when she bumped into a slightly larger, much more solid barrier. Looking up into the face of the person she'd just collided with, her eyes met the wild eyes of the dog boy. Tilting her head, she gave him a single glance, before trying to step around him, only for him to move and block her path. This would not do. She didn't want to use violence. She was taking her twin's lead on this one, and since he'd stopped killing indiscriminantly, that meant she couldn't just use her sand to deal with the situation...or could she? She remembered seeing part of a cartoon once where the one character punched the annoying other character with a boxing glove. Now, she didn't have a glove, but she had a suitable substitute.

Kiba couldn't believe his luck. He'd been hoping to run into this girl for nearly a month. While he realised that he didn't have a chance with Haku or Hinata- and after hearing the rumors about Naruto's bloodline, he could see why he never stood a chance- he was sure that he had more to offer than Lee. He was certainly better looking. While he might have to cut short his time helping Shino- who was standing a few feet away, as they were going to help train Shino's new jutsu for the finals- he was sure his teammate would understand. Noticing her trying to leave, Kiba stepped in front of her to prevent such a travesty, so that he would have an ample chance to woo her.

Before he even had a chance to speak his first word, a fist as big as his torso made of soft, yet solidly packed sand appeared right in front of him. In his shock, he never had a chance of dodging as the fist collided with his face, and temporarily relieved him of consciousness. The pretty kunoichi then firmly told the unconscious boy that she was already taken by the only man worthy of her, Rock Lee. While Kiba missed the message due to the sleepy bye, a firm glare at his companion ensured that the message would be delivered when he awoke.

Upon waking, blinking away the cobwebs, and focusing once again on his surroundings- which just so happened to be the same area of the market district where he'd been knocked out- a face appeared above his.

"You have failed again." Shino stated in his monotone. "It would seem that your canine instincts have given you the bad habit of chasing bones that belong to superior alphas."

"Shino-" Kiba grumbled from the ground.

"Yes."

"Shut up." Giving what amounted to an Aburame shrug, Shino helped his teammate to his feet, and they continued to the training ground to help Shino train for the finals.

888888

A few days and hours later would find Gaara sitting on the roof of the hotel he was staying in, staring at the moon. Usually mother was in a particularly restless state during the full moon, but tonight, she was oddly calm. It was nice for once to be able to sit out, enjoy the cloudless sky, and stare at the beautiful night sky without worrying about a sudden attack of bloodlust. It was for this reason that Gaara was wholly unsurprised to have his tranquil moment interrupted.

"What do you want?" Gaara asked the Sound ninja that had disturbed his tranquil evening.

"Well, I was planning to get you as you slept, but you don't sleep, do you?" The bandaged boy boasted. "Instead, we can just fight here, that way I'll have a higher chance of facing Sasuke-kun. I know all about your sand attacks, and your nudity attacks as well. I have to wonder if they'll be able to save you from my sound attacks."

"'He' usually gets bloodthirsty during the full moon." Gaara muttered. "But for once he's calm, and you're ruining my one chance to enjoy the full moon. I would hate for you get 'his' attention, so if you would-."

Whatever else he was going to say was halted as his sand shot forward faster than he'd ever seen it move, wrapped the boy up, and compressed tighter than even he thought was possible. With a groan and sigh, Gaara stood from his perch, and made his way to the apartment that he'd learned belonged to the blond who'd done so much to help him curb his bloodlust. For some reason, he hoped that the blond understood, and wasn't disappointed in him for crushing that boy, even if it wasn't completely his fault.

At the same time, Naruto was reading from his family scroll when he found a very interesting seal inside. Oddly enough, the ink for this seal- one called the special Uzumaki jacuzzi- was much more fresh than the others, so he guessed that it was one his mother had created. What the seal did, was causes a still body of water to bubble and warm up. The warmth and bubbles came by way of Rasengan like swirling chakra, that tended to caress the body in oh so delightful ways. The chakra helped the swirling waters soothe muscles like noone's business.

Naruto grinned, this would be the perfect seal for he, Hinata, and Haku after training. Heck, he might even share it with Sakura on the days he really tortured her- as she'd taken to calling his training methods, even if she could already see results. Reading further Naruto found an interesting side note, as well as a rather blunt warning. The note was a simple mention about how Minato had used his Rasengan to try and impress her with a jacuzzi, and inspired her to create a seal that could duplicate the effects, so they could enjoy the...benefits, together.

The warning, though, was what made him change his mind about sharing the seal with his girlfriends, and especially Sakura...well, for the time being in the case of the former two. The warning stated in no uncertain terms that the jacuzzi had a side effect of extreme horniness that had a 99 percent chance of leading to sex. That meant it was inadvisable to use this along with another person unless you're sharing the tub with someone you're already intimate with. What was neglected to mention, was that the swirling waters combined with the swirling chakra could easily lead to an orgasm, which lead to further horniness that led to the sex. And with wind natured ninja, there wasn't even that 1 percent chance that it might not lead to sex.

As the blushing Naruto was resealing that particular technicue scroll back into the storage seal on the big scroll, Haku called to him that dinner was ready. Naruto grinned widely as he stood and headed over to the small table where Hinata was helping set the table for three. For the past month, Hinata had been visiting every night, learning how to cook from Haku. Initially, she'd wanted to surprise her boyfriend, but found that after being somewhat pampered for most of her life, she didn't know how to cook. The annoying part about it, was that she couldn't do so at home, because it would get back to her father, and regardless of what he felt about their relationship, she doubted he would have a favorable opinion about her domestic pursuits.

Ironically enough, if she had gone to Hiashi, she would have found a very eager volunteer for a teacher. Her father and uncle were avid chefs, even if they didn't often flex their culinary skills. The secret that only a few knew, was that the twins had considered opening their own restaurant before they realised that clan stuff would take up far too much time, and Hizashi didn't want to go the project alone; they did have plans to make a real go of it as soon as the heiress took over the clan, hence why Hiashi was adamant that Hinata remain the heir, as Hanabi would set them back another five or six years. It was also a well hidden secret that Hiashi and his now deceased wive used to annex the kitchen from the clan staff on their spouse's birthday- and together on their anniversaries- and prepare romantic meals for each other.

Anyway, back to the point. Hinata was learning to cook, and that night, home made ramen had been on the menu. Now Naruto thought Haku's ramen was absolutely delicious, but in a true comparison, all three were confident enough to admit that it still wasn't as good as Ichiraku. When asked about it, he'd told Naruto that the only way he'd get that recipe, is if he married Ayame, who he was passing it down to. Now Naruto didn't know if that was an emphatic no, or if the man had been hinting at something, but Haku's contemplative look- which soon ended in a head shake- had actually made him snicker. Apparently he wasn't the only one addicted to Ichiraku now. Either way, he was still perfectly content to visit the restaurant for the best ramen on the planet as far as Naruto was concerned.

As he was passing the door, he heard a knock coming from the other side. Wondering who could possibly be coming to visit him at this time of night, as the only two people who usually visited him at night were already there, Naruto answered the door. Upon opening it, he found a mildly distraught Gaara on the other side. Now while he wasn't showing any of the usual signs, Naruto and Gaara had been best friends in his own time, and Naruto could tell when his friend was upset.

"Hey Gaara, what's wrong?"

"I crushed someone with my sand tonight."

"Who, when, what happened?" Naruto said, leading him over to the couch.

"The guy from Sound that made the finals, and about ten minutes ago." Gaara explained as Naruto sat him on the couch. "As for what happened, well, I was minding my own business, staring at the moon..." As he told his tale, Naruto frowned.

'_So that's why the matches in the finals were an eight seed tournament instead of nine._' Naruto thought. '_Man, I really should have read the entire Chuunin Exams arc in that manga, rather than skipping to the parts where I kicked Kiba and Neji's asses._'

"And then, when he attacked, my sand kind of got a little ahead of me, and he went splat." Gaara finished. "You're not bothered?"

"Nah, if I know him, he probably tried to kill you beforehand, so it's not so much a problem since it was self-defense."

"Oh, okay, that makes me feel a little better."

"Remember, baby steps, Gaara. You can't quit killing so easily cold turkey, but since Oiroke helps with the blood lust, we'll have you weaned off of that psychotic behavior in no time. Say, Hinata, Haku, and I were about to sit down to some home made ramen, would you like to join us? I don't think they'd mind, and there seems to be plenty."

"I wouldn't want to impose." Gaara said.

"It's no problem, Gaara-san, we'd be happy to have you join us." Haku said, smiling, and being followed only moments later by Hinata's agreeing voice.

"Thank you, I would like that." For his part, Gaara was soaking in the novelty. He'd never been included in leisurely group activities before, and after experiencing it in Konoha, he was having some doubts about the coming invasion. After all, why would you want to destroy a place that treated you with a kindness that your own home village had so harshly denied you.

As the quartet sat around the small table, enjoying the rather delicious ramen that Haku and Hinata prepared, they engaged in more idle chat, and silly small talk that Gaara found himself quite enjoying. While he and Gaara did the dishes- after all, since Haku and Hinata cooked, it was only fair that they cleaned up- Naruto invited Gaara to join an elite organization: the International Coalition of Underappreciated People (ICUP). He explained that it was a support group for the undesired and underappreciated members of society that totally didn't deserve to be shunned. His great hope was to meet with and recruit every poor sap who'd been saddled with a furry indigestion problem, and let them know that they had someone to talk to, and commiserate with.

At that point in time, there were only three members; Naruto as club president, Hinata as the vice president, Haku as the secretary- since she was better organised than her younger counterparts, and if he joined, and wanted the job, Gaara would be the treasurer. Since the group as a whole was more for moral support rather than financial, there wasn't really much work for him to do. Happy to be included as a part of a group, Gaara quickly agreed before Naruto had a chance to change his mind, even if Naruto had no intention of doing so. Little did Naruto know that his club- his made up on the spot, and pulled completely out of his ass club- would grow, and future members would include all of the former Jinchuuriki, Lee, Tenten, Gai, Shizune, and suprisingly Danzo.

888888

With less than a week left before the Chuunin Exam finals, Naruto got a sudden- well, I guess you could call it a visit- from NB.

"Heya brat." He snickered at Naruto's grumble.

'_What do you want?_' Naruto asked. '_Surely you have better things to do than bother me, right?_'

"Actually, I do have more important things to occupy my time with." NB said, causing Naruto again frown. "I just wanted to give you a message that you should probably come up with a plan for a match with Temari." 

'_But, the finals are like three days away._' Naruto complained. '_Couldn't you have told me this sooner?_'

"I could have, but I thought it might be amusing to watch you panic." NB replied teasingly. "No, really though, I just realised it myself. You see, I had this really funny idea of something sick and twisted to do to Orochimaru, but once I started fleshing it out, I realised that it would require the tournament to run longer, and that it would result in you having to face either Shino or Temari. I hadn't decided on who to have you face until just a few minutes ago. In the end, I realised that having you face Shino would be way too easy. Considering you're not likely to have to fight Gaara, and you still had enough chakra to summon over two thousand clones and Gamabunta after fighting Neji, I knew that Shino's hives could gourge themselves, and you'd still have more chakra left than the average Jounin."

'_You do realise-_'

"Yes, if my Oc Kazuma ever shows up, you're going to make him suffer a prank marathon." NB finished for him. "So long as you hook him up with either Hana, Ayame, or Temari as compensation, I say enjoy yourself. Well, gotta go, sights to hear, and sounds to see."

Naruto was going to reply with a snarky comment, but that last statement brought him up short in confusion. He thought about it for a second, before realising he really didn't want to know. The freak out factor that guy was capable of put anything his clan came up to shame; and considering they were technically a fictional family in his world, and lived in a world where people were routinely capable of doing things that suspended belief, that was saying something.

"Well, at least now I get the chance to make good on my warning to Temari about embarrassing her."

Naruto left his apartment, whistling a jaunty tune as he walked three meters to his left, and knocked on the door to Haku's apartment. Upon being invited in, Naruto got straight to business...well, after a nice hello kiss, of course. "Haku, you're pretty good with pressure points, right?"

"I'm fairly decent."

"Well, I once heard that there were a set of pressure points that if hit, could make a girl orgasm uncontrollably." Lost in memory of all the perverted crap Ero-Sennin had tried to teach him the first time around, that he was now wishing he'd listened to, he almost missed it when Haku frowned at him. "Don't worry, I'm not planning to use it on anyone except you and Hinata with those intentions, and only with your permission."

"And what other intentions can it be used for?" Haku asked, both curious and wary.

"Well, I was thinking a little bit of payback for the Sand chick for what she did to Tenten." Naruto said. "I promised that I'd humiliate her the same way she did Tenten."

"Don't you think this is a little extreme?" Haku inquired. "And just a bit inappropriate?"

"If she had been matched up against Hinata and done something like that, I'd have used pure fuuton manipulation to strip her naked, and then used that technique if I could figure it out."

Haku wasn't sure if this was proper or not, but Tenten was a good friend, and if Naruto was going to avenge her honor, she would help. After all, due to the damage her back suffered, Tenten would never be able to really dominate a guy in bed, something women in her family- both her original one, and her adopted one- were well known for. Now she would have to spend the rest of her life with either mediocre lovers, or accept that good sex would always result in her getting her back blown out- which would unfortunately give her the same issue Oonoki had in her advanced age.

"Well, there are two such points, but they have to be hit at exactly the same time." Haku then unbuttoned, and pulled down her pants a bit to show him where they were, and how to manipulate them.

Unfortunately the points were right below the waist line, occupying an area that was very easy to miss if you didn't know where they were exactly, and even just the slightest bit off, and you would look like a pervert grabbing at some girl's naughty place. Luckily for Naruto, he had two days, and the ability to create upwards of two thousand clones at once.

888

As Naruto was learning how to make a woman orgasm hard enough to squirt, gush, splash, and leave a puddle behind just from pressure points, Kakashi was having a clandestine meeting with the Hokage. This meeting was in regards to the fact that a certain sick bastard- who wasn't NB for once- had decided to mentor Naruto in the Uzumaki specialty: all things pranks. Having recently been on the receiving end of a forcefully prolapsed rectum via jutsu- something he wouldn't wish on even people he hated- Kakashi felt that it was a very bad idea for Naruto to be mentored in pranks by someone who'd been schooled by Kushina Uzumaki.

Madam Habenero had a vindictive streak, and prolapsing ones rectum was severely tame compared to some of the things she'd been rumored to do to enemy ninja, and criminals that were beyond pale. After three hours of discussion- which was really just an hour long bitch fit by Kakashi about having his rectum prolapsed, followed by two hours of paranoia propaganda filled with haunting anecdotes of pranks he'd seen Kushina pull- Sarutobi came to the conclusion that it might be best if Naruto weren't mentored by Xeno.

Given that there wasn't a legally _and_ morally legitimate way of barring Xeno from mentoring Naruto- damn his big heart, and caring nature- Sarutobi decided to deal with the matter in a way that would keep the man far away from Naruto, as well as benefit Konoha. Going through the stack of documents headed for the shredder, Sarutobi pulled out the marriage alliance treaty from the Mizukage that had been delivered by one of the Jounin escorting a squad of Mist Genin.

When he'd seen the proposed husband that the village was asking for, he'd immediately tossed it. While Mei Terumi was indeed a beautiful woman, he also knew that there was a lot of baggage that would be coming with it. There was also the fact that Naruto already was looking at having two wives, and he refused to force another on him without a very good reason. Besides, he didn't quite trust a woman who was asking for a twelve year old to become her husband- and he didn't care if the boy was a stamina freak, or about his supposed bloodline. Maybe if he sent a counter-offer with a suitable replacement, he could satisfy everyone involved. After all, if Xeno had inherited his father's talents, it could lead to very friendly associations with Mist. He still couldn't figure out how no one noticed. The resemblance was even more obvious that the one with Naruto and Minato aside from a few differences. But then again, he'd known Jiraiya since his student was six, and would be more likely to notice it.

Two days later, in fact, the night before the Chuunin Exam Finals, Xenoguyver was sitting in his apartment staring at the mission scroll he'd just received from his Hokage. Of all the missions he'd ever expected to be assigned, this was the one mission he'd never figured he'd be assigned to. To think, he was being assigned the mission of entering into a political marriage with the Mizukage, Mei Terumi. Well, it could definitely be worse. The woman was insanely hot, after all.

Mei was a slender woman, with a very large bust. While not quite on the same level as Tsunade, it was close. She had jade green eyes that were simply enchanting, and ankle-length, auburn hair styled into a herringbone pattern at the back, and a top-knot tied with a dark blue band. She had four bangs in the front, two short with one covering her right eye, and two long, crossing each other just below her chin.

Her preferred attire was a long-sleeved, dark blue dress that fell down to just below her knees, and closed at the front with a zip that branched off to her hip diagonally. It had a long, wide split up the right side that resulted in a gap on the front-right side from the waist down that exposed one of her very well shaped legs. The top of her dress was low cut, baring her shoulders and a sizeable amount of cleavage.

Underneath that she wore a mesh armour that covered only just a bit more of her upper body than her dress. All of that, combined with mesh leggings made for a very sexy image. And if that wasn't enough, she finished the ensemble off with high-heeled sandals, dark blue polish on her fingers and toes, and dark blue lipstick. Dear sweet Kami was she sexy, and if you don't believe him, you can do a google image search for the Godaime Mizukage Mei Terumi and see for yourself. He was damn lucky to be wed to such a beauty.

Even if she was a bit unstable, most of that seemed to stem from her desire to marry, and the surprising lack of any interested parties. Given what this mission entailed, there was a good chance that the instability that made her so feared would actually be resolved. Even as happy as he was- especially given his poor prospects in his home village due to him still being considered 'Kushina's Bitch' even over a decade after her death- he was still saddened to be going now. Not only had he not had very much time to spend with his pseudo-nephew, but he wouldn't even get to see him compete in the final round of the Chuunin Exams.

He was expected to travel back to Kirigakure along with the escort his betrothed had sent to ensure his arrival. Apparently Mei didn't want to wait any longer than she had to to change her relationship status, so there would be no delaying their nuptials. The mandatory big social affair of a wedding would come later.

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At the same time, Naruto could be found smothered on both his left and right by warmth, softness, and wonderful scents. He didn't know how they'd gotten Hiashi to agree to begin with, but the man had actually consented to allowing Hinata to spend the night at Naruto's apartment with he and Haku. Of course, he had quite firmly stipulated that there had to be a responsible adult there to chaperone, which accounted for Iruka being in the general vicinity of Naruto's apartment.

Luckily, Anko had also tagged along- having missed out on things like this when she was their age for various different reasons- and had done a very good job of distracting their chaperone after the usual fun and games had ended. Even still, the three youngsters were mature and responsible enough to not take advantage of the situation. Sure there was quite a bit of cuddling and snuggling, and even a bit of tonguey kissing, but nothing that would set off any adult sensory alarms that said children were crossing a line they shouldn't. It was shortly after the trio had settled on the large pile of blankets for bed that a subject that had become an issue with the two kunoichi was broached.

"Naruto, would you mind terribly if Hinata and I addressed you as Naruto-kun until further notice, rather than Naruto-sama?" Haku suddenly asked.

"It never really mattered to me one way or another, but why the sudden change?" Naruto asked curiously. "You seemed to enjoy the reactions people had to you calling me that."

"We do," Haku admitted, and Hinata nodded into his chest where her head sat, listening to Naruto's heartbeat. The soft thud of the strong muscle was quickly driving her into a sleepy state. "But I've noticed that others aren't the only ones reacting to it."

"Oh?"

"W-we're reacting too." Hinata said sleepily, even as her face reddened.

"I cannot speak for Hinata-chan, but recently- ever since you placed that seal on us- everytime I've addressed you as Naruto-sama, I've felt a burning heat ripping through my loins, up to my nipples. When I use it my body feels like it's preparing for a level of intimacy that we have not quite reached in our relationship."

"So you're saying-"

"Yes, calling you Naruto-sama arouses me greatly, and it would probably be best if we dialed back that particular honorific until our relationship progresses to sexual intimacy."

"Hinata, you feel the same way?" Unable to trust her voice at the moment, she nodded rapidly.

"Oh, okay." Naruto said. "Whatever works best for you."

As the three relaxed on the soft make-shift bed, Naruto was kind of glad they'd decided to stop calling him that for the time being. After that conversation, he just knew he was going to start reacting to them calling him Naruto-sama; especially with them both having soft, breathy voices. Oddly enough, Hinata would come up with the idea a few minutes later, that any new girls to the family would be required to call him Naruto-sama for at least the first couple months.

"But I thought you said-"

"It is only saying it that arouses us." Haku explained. "Hearing it only makes us feel happy and tingly all over...but not in a sexual way."

"Okay, but what about what she said about new girls." Naruto asked.

"Just because we don't have any plans to add anymore, doesn't mean we shouldn't have protocols in place should we happen to find another girl to compliment our family."

Deciding not to think too much on it, and wanting to get a good nights sleep for his big coming out party the next day, Naruto pulled his arms tighter around his girlfriends, and allowed morpheous to claim him. In his opinion, it would be the best night of sleep he could ever remember having.

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1. Everything from this number one until the next one was initally and idea presented to me by Xenoguyver. This is why I made him into an Oc.

2. batamut is to thank for this particularly devious prank

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I have nothing left to say to explain myself, so I won't bother trying.


	7. The Finals

**Disclaimer: I consider the chapter a failure if I don't ask myself 'What the fuck is wrong with you?' at least 23 times during the course of its creation. Given my limitations, I'm sorry to say that I didn't meet my quota, and most of the time it was said during the Omake.**

Before we get started, I'm going to clarify some things for those curious of Naruto's stats. The following will be applicable for the forseeable future. First, some urls to give you a decent picture.

1. www DOT leafninja DOT com / StatsGuide DOT php

2. In a new window, go to the same website; go to the panel on the far left, and find bios under character info (or if your computer allows it, then just opening it in a new tab with right click would be easier), then go down to Naruto and click. Next, click on the part where it says full bio.

Now, Naruto's ninjutsu, taijutsu, genjutsu, and intelligence are equal to the bottom graph; and since I've been told that seal knowledge is in reference to hand seals, I guess this would be the same. Since this is AU, and given what I saw him do with his own seal, Naruto's Fuinjutsu is maxed.

As for his physical stats, with his seal on: his force, speed, and stamina are equal to the second graph, while with it off, they're the same as the third graph.

Now before you bitch and moan, check Lee's stats, and you will find that his speed at the Chuunin Exams is still higher than Naruto's. Naruto's strength is higher, because his seal actually works all muscles, as opposed to Lee's weights only working his legs. Had Lee had something like Naruto's seal to use rather than the weights, Neji wouldn't be nearly as arrogant about his 'talent' as he was. I also factored in how much growth the graphs showed Naruto had between the Chuunin Exams and when he left with Jiraiya.

Also, just throwing this out there, but Naruto will be Kage level by the time he returns from his training with Jiraiya. My reasoning is sound, and follows as thus. Given that he came back in time from a period that was, at the very least, post Pein invasion, that means based on skill alone, he's easily high A, possibly S rank already, although his physical attributes are high Genin level considering the advantage he has, and knows how to use. Between the training seal that has him physically matching Lee, and the fact that he's also learned more fuinjutsu from the Uzumaki Scroll, the Uzumaki taijutsu style, increased his Fuuton manipulation dramatically, and even added at least four more ninjutsu to his arsenal, I'd say he's approaching S-rank already- if not already there- only being held back by his physical abilities not quite being there.

With him already being smarter, 2.5 years of training with Jiraiya will easily seal the deal on that.

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The morning of the Chuunin Exam finals heralded a great meteorological day. There was a bit of a chill at the moment, but by the time the afternoon came around, it would be absolutely perfect weather for being outside. The kind of weather that made one happy to be alive to enjoy it, and the kind of weather that screamed this is the perfect weather for a perfect day, and only a complete dick would do something to try and ruin it. Guess that's why Orochimaru was so insistent upon destroying Konoha that day. I mean really, even the freaking Akatsuki was taking the day off to enjoy the awesome weather, and they were the uber villains of the series.

Naruto woke early, relishing the warmth of his position between Hinata and Haku. At some point during the night, they'd both shifted slightly, and now were both half-draped onto him. On his right side, Hinata looked decidedly adorable cuddled into him. Her arms were pulled up to her chest, with her hands rested against his side beneath her chin. Her head was deeply snuggled into the crook of his arm, and she occasionally made very cute meeping noises as she slept. All in all, it was very cute, and Naruto couldn't help chastise himself for allowing himself to miss out on waking up to this sight in the morning. Even if he technically didn't survive to an age where they could reach this stage of a relationship, the fact that he'd let the potential opportunity pass was frustrating.

On his left, Haku was dozing softly with her head on his shoulder, the warmth of her breath ghosting across his neck pleasantly. Her left arm encircled him, and clutched both him and Hinata tightly like one would a very large teddy bear. One of her her legs draped over both he and Hinata, while the other had slipped under his, as well as hooked around it. Naruto couldn't help being mildly amused. Having fallen asleep next to Haku on other occasions, he knew that she was very clingy in her sleep. To think that she'd simply incorporated Hinata into her uber snuggle amazed him.

Still, as much as he wanted to stay in this position, they had things to do today. Very reluctantly, Naruto woke his two girlfriends with kisses to the forehead, and after extricating themselves from each other, they got ready for their day. Naruto would soon realise that forcing himself to get up and deal with things early was a good idea. While the three younger occupants of Naruto's apartment were putting the finishing touches on their wardrobes for the day, Anko came strolling- quite brazenly mind you- out of his bathroom completely nude. It didn't help anyone's psyche that she stretched and praised Iruka's friskiness so early in the morning, bemoaning all of the great morning sex in the shower she'd missed out on because she'd kicked all of her one night stands out as soon as it was over.

With a glare at the woman, as well as a thoroughly abashed Iruka when he came out dressed in a bathrobe, Naruto directed him to the cleaning supplies he kept under the sink, and very clearly explained that mentor or not, Iruka had better clean and disinfect his tub and shower before leaving. With that, the teen and two preteens left for Ichiraku's to both grab a quick breakfast, and to visit Naruto's surrogate family, before his match. Naruto had rarely, if ever, used the standing invitation to join the father and daughter for a 'proper' breakfast, but figured that today was as good a day as any. That Hinata and Haku were openly given the same invitation only endeared the family to him even more.

Over the course of their meal, Naruto teasingly dropped hints of what he had planned for Neji, but nothing that would spoil the surprise. By the time they were ready to head to the arena, both girls were rather eager for things to start. Having gotten seats to the event, the Ichiraku's stand was closed down for the day, and the pair travelled to the stadium with Haku and Hinata via Shunshin. Of course, it took Hinata a couple jumps, as she wasn't quite used to having a passenger when she Shunshined.

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"Hey piggy." Sakura called to her first best friend as she took the vacant seat next to the blonde girl. She didn't know how Ino had gotten such good seats- though she suspected it had to do with Ino's father- but she'd been glad that Ino had invited her along.

"Hey forehead, where the hell have you been?" Ino asked. "I thought that you weren't coming at first."

"Sorry, but my mom was really bugging me about my teammates, and how I thought they'd do in the finals." Sakura found it oddly curious how her mother had done a complete 180 about her blond teammate after learning that Naruto was helping her train, and seeing how much she was improving.

"Well, luckily you haven't missed anything, because neither Sasuke-kun nor that baka you call a teammate are here yet."

Sakura frowned both at the news, and the insult, but didn't overreact. "They'll be here. Sasuke would never miss this," '_-chance to show off,_' Inner Sakura finished in her mind, causing her to wince. She hurriedly continued, hoping Ino hadn't noticed. "-and Naruto will be here if only to avenge Hinata."

"You're actually sure that baka will make it? He should just run away. He's facing Neji, and Shikamaru told me he was a prodigy, and the Rookie of the Year in last years graduating class."

Sakura mentally rolled her eyes. "First of all, no matter what you think, Naruto is still my teammate, and I don't appreciate you talking bad about him. Second, Naruto is actually a lot better than he lets on, and Haku said he's undergone some pretty intense training the past month."

"Whatever you say, but they're about to start, and he isn't here." Sakura fixed her eyes on the entrance, almost willing Naruto to show up, just to shut Ino up.

'_Come on Naruto._' She thought. '_Don't you dare flake on me when I actually defend you for once._'

888

Sitting atop the stadium with his chakra signature completely invisible, Naruto watched the coronation, and all of the opening theatrics. He had to contain the smirk that wanted to don his face at what he'd planned. He'd been so jealous of Sasuke's entrance the last time around, so he was going to make one himself. Not only that, but he was going to make such an entrance, that when Sasuke did show up, it was going to be jeered as a cheap ripoff of greatness. After all, while Kakashi and Sasuke did cool quite well, neither were as creative combined as Naruto was alone.

His plans for his first match were even grander. The entire month leading up to the final, all Naruto had heard was speculations about the show Neji and Sasuke were going to put on, and how great their match in the final was going to be. Naruto could only shake his head. First of all, if it hadn't been for the invasion, Gaara would have definitely killed Sasuke one on one unless the proctor stopped the match. As for Neji, he wouldn't be getting past the first round.

Naruto had debated the entire month how badly he was going to beat Neji. He couldn't decide whether he wanted to give him a chance to impress the judges, or if he was just going to smack him down like he did Kiba. After all, the perverted mutt had only peeped on his girlfriends, Neji had tried to kill one of them. In the end, and mostly because he knew that Haku and Hinata would have wanted him to, he decided to show the asshole some mercy. He was like Sasuke, in that he was given a somewhat shitty hand in life, and he just wasn't mentally strong enough to deal with it. Still, that didn't mean he wasn't going to humiliate him before then.

"I need Naruto Uzumaki and Neji Hyuga to report for their match, the rest of you retreat to the competitors boxes on either side of the arena." Genma watched the Hyuga standing and looking around for his opponent. Just as he was about to again call for Naruto Uzumaki to report for the match, he was interrupted.

"Call it Proctor. Uzumaki has shown himself to be a coward. He has accepted his fate." Neji said with a sneer.

Genma took a steadying breath and was about to speak when the wind suddenly picked up. Now normally, this wouldn't have prevented the proctor from calling the match, but the fact that he could feel chakra infused in the wind gave him pause. It was a good thing that he did, as from outside the stadium, a massive swarm of dove feathers began to swirl into the stadium in the shape of a massive tornado. The swarm gracefully glided down to where the proctor was standing, and came to stand twenty feet from Neji.

Suddenly, as if on a signal, the interior dove feathers began to gravitate to each other, shifting to create a form from within the midst of the tornado. A pair of feet created by dove feathers materialized, followed by legs, torso, arms, and finally a head. Anyone that knew the young man well enough, could easily recognize that the objects had formed Naruto's silhouette. As it was, there were only about a dozen or so people who actually recognized it for what it was; two of them surprisingly civilians.

When the rest of the dove feathers, still swirling gracefully around the silhouette began to obscure it, Naruto gave a nod to his clone, and Kawarimi'd with the now solid, stationary silhouette inside. Then with a swipe of his arm, the massive swirl of dove feathers all dispersed, revealing the blond ninja inside. Another wave of his arms, which was the signal to his hidden clone, and the fallen dove feathers were picked up in a warm breeze, and swirled up and out of the arena.

'_Heh, beat that Kakashi and Sasuke._' He thought.

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Naruto's entrance resulted in a wide range of reactions. There was shock, awe, shocked awe, frustration, and even a few fangirls of uberness who fainted while making a mess. More specifically, there were a few rather interesting reactions from people closer to the blond.

Sakura, a smirk on her face, turned to the shocked and awed Ino, and said quite smugly. "Told you he'd be here."

A dozen seats down, a redheaded, former kunoichi from Kusagakure was rubbing her thighs together. There was officially nothing else to think about on the matter. Between his chakra and what she'd just seen, she had all the information she needed to consider to make the decision to defect to Konoha, and become his. It didn't hurt that she was of Uzumaki blood, and that meant she could place herself under his protection, and there was nothing her village could do about it aside from declaring war. They wouldn't though, over something/someone so insignficant as she was considered to be, and really, just mentioning the Uzumaki involvement would probably get them to back off. She didn't understand the fearful taboo that the Uzumaki clan seemed to drape over the world, but she wouldn't let such an advantage go to waste.

Several rows back, a Special Jounin was thinking to herself just how lucky that gaki really was that Iruka had proposed to her that morning- leading of course, to that fucking amazing half hour being pounded into the gaki's shower wall. And Kami if that pounding wasn't worth the hour she and Iruka-kun had spent cleaning and disinfecting the bathroom after the kids had left.

Up in the Kage box, a certain S-ranked shinobi with his face covered had a frown on said face.

'_Intentionally late for the exams. Check. Blond hair and blue eyes. Check. Flashy, but admittedly badass entrance that caused fangirl fainting. Check x,_' Orochimaru sighed after doing a swift head count. '_-eleven. Great, Jiraiya's training another apprentice, and an Uzumaki at that. Why do I get the feeling that my invasion is about to go fuck all just by nature of him being here? Damn Uzumaki._'

Over at the Academy, Iruka had to hold back a smile at Naruto's entrance. While he was deeply impressed with the skill needed to pull it off, he was also fondly remembering the boy whose greatest desire was to be noticed and acknowledged. Well, he certainly wouldn't have to worry about being forgotten now.

"Wow, niisan is so awesome." Konohamaru cheered after seeing Naruto's entrance. "He's going to kick that Neji creeps ass."

"Oh please," A haughty voice chimed next to him. "Neji is the prodigy of our clan. That clanless boy won't stand a chance."

"Take that back, you white-eyed freak." Konohamaru protested.

"Make me you retarded monkey." With a frustrated sigh, Iruka broke the two children up before they could start fighting. It was things like this that made him wonder if bringing the students to the auditorium so they could watch 'real ninja' in action on the presentation screen was a good idea.

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Now if his entrance got the audience in tizzy, it was nothing compared to their reaction to what he was wearing. While most everyone that knew of Naruto was expecting a bright orange jumpsuit with blue shoulders and bottom, and a puffed up cream collar, what they got was something else entirely.

From the bottom up, Naruto was clad in a pair of black sandals, and black shinobi pants that went all the way down to the top of his sandals. Next he wore a long sleeved black shirt, and fingerless black gloves of the plated variety. Over his shirt, he wore a light jacket that was very similar to the cloak he'd worn during his fight with Pein. Unlike that cloak, this jacket only came to about his thigh, was white in color, and had reddish-orange flames along the bottom. This was all topped off with a black headband.(1)

If one were to actually pay attention, and wasn't too busy denying the obvious, they'd be very suspicious about Naruto's parents now. Given his name, personality, and his appearance- especially in his current attire- it was like a big glaring sign over his head that screamed 'Hi, I'm Naruto Uzumaki. My parents were Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki, and I was born to be badass.'. Of course, Konoha citizens are always in a perpetual state of denial, so it would likely take something like Iwa putting a price on his head in the Bingo Books with a massive reward for them to see the truth. Well, for most of them anyway.

Still, all that being said, he was at least gaining some romantic attention from girls his age now. Case in point...

"Whoa, Naruto's kinda cute out of that orange crime against fashion." Ino said distractedly. Sakura glared, because Ino was absolutely correct, and it was once again bringing up feelings and desires she'd thought she properly suppressed over a week ago. Had she been thinking more clearly, she would have mused at Ino's misfortunate of saying things like that in front of Hinata or Haku. They seemed to take serious offense to any fangirl looking at Naruto with intent.

Deciding to ignore that, Sakura called out. "Go get him, Naruto."

"Just because he changed his clothes doesn't mean he'll suddenly be good enough to beat Neji." Ino snarked, rolling her eyes.

Oh yeah, she'd have definitely liked to see Ino say that where Hinata or Haku could hear her.

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"So, are we going to do this or what?" Naruto asked cheekily, earning a smirk from Genma.

"Hajime!" The man intoned.

"By the way, Neji, I haven't forgotten about my promise to you." Naruto informed him. "I meant it when I said I was going to break you. I'm going to make you feel as weak and helpless as you tried to do to Hinata, and then I'm going to defeat you."

"And just how do you plan to do that?" Neji snapped. "The Hyuuga fighting system is infallible, especially in the hands of a prodigy like myself."

"You like to talk a lot of shit, but the truth is that your entire fighting system is dependent upon your bloodline and taijutsu." Naruto explained. "But what happens when all of that goes away? What happens when you find yourself facing an opponent who is capable of neutralizing your entire fighting style? Don't know, well I'll be happy to show you."

"You're very confident, that'll make this even more worthwhile." Neji retorted. "It'll be fun to watch you fall apart once you've discovered reality."

"Whatever," Naruto said, as he was engulfed in a large puff of smoke that signalled the arrival of ten Kage Bunshin. "Let's do this, and just to prove a point, I'm going to engage you in close combat. I know it's suicidal, but jerks like you need to be humbled in a way that you'll not miss the message."

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That certainly got people's attention. The fact that a Genin could use such a chakra intensive B-rank jutsu as the Kage Bunshin was a feat in itself. That he created ten without flinching or even looking like it affected him was damn near impossible. But no matter what, Neji was still the favorite to win the match. He was a Hyuuga and a prodigy after all.

'_Heh, that's an impressive technique, but it's nothing against Neji's defense._' Tenten thought, remembering the training she'd helped him with the past month.

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With a grin, Naruto's clones attacked all at once. Neji's only response was to sink into the Hyuuga stance, and prepare to decimate the clones. He'd done his research, and knew that the loser was a failure in taijutsu. Even if he showed some mediocre skill during the prelims, he was nothing against the Juuken Ryuu. And then it was time for action. Neji dodged the first wild punch from the first clone, but found himself surprised when the punch turned out to be a feint for a knee to his chest. Blocking that, he was forced to again dodge as the next clone attacked, then a third, fourth, and fifth.

It would appear that the blond was more skilled in Taijutsu than he'd been led to believe, but nothing he couldn't handle. He would just have to get serious right from the start. While the crowed was shocked that Naruto had attacked head on, and that he seemed to actually be doing fairly well, Neji wasn't considered a prodigy for nothing. It wasn't too long before Neji had all of the clones defeated. The fact that he he'd almost been overwhelmed by five clones because he'd underestimated the fool was unacceptable. Still, Neji knew he was fated to win. It was noted though by many of the upper level ninja that Shadow Clones could only really take one good hit, so that advantage actually went to Naruto.

Attempting to regain some semblance of control over the situation- after all, the fact that the blond wasn't already defeated after the first exchange was making him look bad- Neji decided to launch a psychological attack, and go after the boy's dream. Unlike the foolish mutt from the prelims, he knew how to use such information to weaken his resolve rather than fire him up. After all, it had worked against one loser until someone had interrupted him, no reason it wouldn't work again. Of course, Neji's sureity in himself made him forget that it was in fact his current opponent who had interrupted him the last time.

"Become Hokage, eh," Neji taunted. "-that's impossible with that level of skill."

Naruto rolled his eyes at that. "Well duh. I'm still a Genin, of course I don't have the skill to be Hokage. I have to be able to at the very least kick Kakashi or Gai-sensei's ass before I can even think I'm close, and I'm a long way from that. Plus, I once heard you had to have a panty soaking super move to your credit, but I'm not sure if that's really a requirement." After all, Jiraiya had told him a lot of things that made little sense.

"Then, are you saying that anyone can become Hokage through hard work?" Naruto shrugged, but nodded. "Only a handful of shinobi are chosen to become Hokage."

"Well, yeah, considering we've only had four." Naruto said, again rolling his eyes at the theatrics. "Besides, our village has consistently produced enough A-rank, S-rank, and Kage level shinobi that yeah, it's possible that just about anyone could if they were willing to put in the extra work to obtain the title."

"Will you look closer at reality." Neji snapped. "Those that become Hokage are born into that destiny. Those that reach that plateau come from powerful families, whose genes are specifically geared to being the strongest."

"Not really," Naruto said. "-Jiraiya and Orochimaru of the Sannin came from very minor shinobi families, and the Yondaime was from a civilian family. One became Hokage, and the other two far and away easily have the skill and strength to be the Hokage. Hell, even the Sandaime's family was only a few generations from civilian life when he became a ninja, and he's been called the frikkin God of Shinobi, and that's a consensus Hanzo, Oonoki, and the Sandaime Raikage even agreed with."

"Then they were destined to move past their simple beginnings." Neji said, not realising that he'd just contradicted himself. "People must live in their own unchangeable flow. The only destiny that everyone shares is death."

"You know what, you can give up if you like, but I've never been all that great with quitting." Naruto said, creating another twenty clones. "So I'll keep growing, and become Hokage, while you sit their and fade into obscurity."

"I'm not stupid." Neji deadpanned. "I've already seen through your attack pattern."

"Blow me you pale eyed sissy," Naruto called back, then amended. "No offense to any other Hyuuga who might be in attendance."

Then with a warcry, the clones attacked again. Noticing the one clone not joining the attack, Neji changed his dodging pattern, and homed in on that single clone. He darted through the clones, before coming to a stop, and striking the one standing back just above the heart with two chakra covered fingers.

"Fearing having your points pressed, one body is doing the least amount of attacking." Neji proclaimed. "The more you attack, the clearer it becomes. So much for engaging me in close combat."

The clone slumped over the fingers, and coughed up a mouth full of blood. Moments later, all of the twenty surrounding clones began popping one at a time, until only the one in front of Neji was left.

"This is why I told you that it was pointless." Neji drolled.

"And that's why I told you, that you're a white eyed sissy who talks to much." Naruto said, as his head came up revealing a foxlike smirk.

With a puff of smoke, the clone dispersed, while another Naruto suddenly appeared in front of Neji, and slugged him in the jaw. This was immediately followed by several puffs of smoke around them, and several more strikes that he was barely able to block as they all attacked at once. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to take on all of those clones, Neji glared- angered that the pathetic fool had actually hit him- before going into a rapid spin, expelling chakra from every chakra point in his body.

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The two elder Hyuuga in the stands were shocked as they watched the younger brother's son spin. When had Neji learned the Kaiten? Better yet, how had he learned it?

'_How can it be?_' Hiashi thought. '_Kaiten?_'

"Hiashi, did you teach him that?" Hizashi asked, turning to his brother. It was Hiashi, after all, who'd taught him when they'd been younger.

"No, I thought that maybe you had." Hiashi said.

"I didn't." Hizashi admitted. "Do you think-"

"Either someone taught him, or he figured it out on his own." Hiashi said. "Either way, it's impressive for someone his age."

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A certain bun haired kunoichi could be found smirking in the audience. '_Heh, that's Neji's defense. It's impenetrable._'

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As soon as Neji came out of his spin, "It's over, you are within the field of my Hakke." ...he took another stance. "Hakke Rokujuuyonshou!"

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"That stance, it can't be." Hizashi said. "Even I don't know that one."

"To have figured out both the Hakke Rokujuuyonshou, and the Kaiten on his own, he really is a genius of the Juuken." Hiashi shook his head amazed. "Such talent, for the brilliant blood of the Hyuuga to be flowing in a child who cannot become heir is unbelievable."

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Suddenly, Neji went on the attack. "Hakke two hands, four hands, eight hands, sixteen hands, thirty-two hands, sixty-four hands." He then followed up with a hard strike to Naruto's midsection, knocking him away with tremendous force. Naruto hit the ground, and went into a roll, coming to a stop on his back. He stared up at the sky, lamenting the fact that he could have possibly forgotten how much that hurt, even with all of his preparations. He was also chiding himself for forgetting that a good number of the strikes were aimed at the limbs.

With a groan, Naruto rolled over onto his stomach, and pushed himself to his hands and knees. "I have hit sixty-four points on your body, you can no longer stand."

With his head bowed, Neji didn't see Naruto's smirk. He may have thought he hit those points, but most of them were misses, because Naruto _had_ thought ahead. The Anbu armor that he'd liberated from the Anbu storage locker, and had repaired had been upgraded since he'd gotten it back. The metal plating of the armor already went a ways in weakening the Juuken- which given how much he'd felt that last attack attests to its effectiveness- but the seals he'd covered it with almost completely neutralised the worst of it. The seals were designed to absorb foreign chakra that might attack the body.

"Heh, is it painful?" Neji taunted.

"Fuck you, cockrot." Naruto spat back, slowly regaining feeling in his legs.

"Tch, having your dreams come true due to hard work is an illusion." Naruto closed his eyes forcing chakra to his extremities. Once he felt his limbs were strong enough to hold him, he slowly climbed to his feet, shocking everyone around him. While he knew his standing up from the attack would be much less epic this time around given his preparations- and the fact that he'd be revealing that fact- it was no less impressive.

"Are you finished yet, Neji-teme?" Naruto asked, his voice raspy. "Good, because I'm really getting sick of listening to you."

"You may have been stubborn enough to climb to your feet like my useless cousin, but you cannot possibly win." Neji said. "Fate has already determined that I will win, and since you can no longer use chakra, there is no use even trying. Either give up, or I will kill you." Naruto just chuckled.

"So you're going to kill me to make it all go away now?" He teased. "Are you getting angry because someone is finally calling you on your bullshit rants, and slapping you in the face with just how stupid they are?"

"Shut up, you idiot, and accept your fate." Neji growled, amusingly enough adding credence to Naruto's taunt.

"Whatever Neji-teme. I guess now that you've had your fun, I suppose I should go on and start fighting for real." Naruto bragged, causing many to wonder if the boy had gone insane. "Which is good, because that means I can take this uncomfortably hot, heavy ass armor off."

Naruto barely contained the smirk on his face as he pulled his jacket off to reveal the modified Anbu plate armor; prompting a wolf whistle from Anko.

"Yeah, take it all off!" To her surprise, she found herself followed by a few cat calls of agreement. As Naruto dropped the armor to the ground, it landed with a loud clunk, a small depression in the ground, and the small kick up of dust. Another of the alterations he'd made, was putting seals on the armer to increase its weight so that it acted in a similar manner to Lee's ankle weights, though not even remotely close to that amount.

Slipping his jacket back on, Naruto gave a cheeky grin. "Okay, I'm ready to go now."

"You fool, Fate has decreed that you will lose." Neji said, confidently. "You were destined to lose this match as soon as I was chosen as your opponent. The only question Fate hasn't answered is how badly you will lose."

"Are you sure?" Naruto asked. "Because I know Fate personally, and she hasn't mentioned anything about that to me." Neji paused in confusion for a moment at his opponent's odd retort, but then continued as if he hadn't heard him.

"Didn't you hear me? You were destined to lose as soon as I became your opponent." Neji said, only to be interrupted again.

"So Destiny is the one you're getting your flawed information from, eh?" Naruto taunted. "It figures. Well, I can tell you from experience, she can get a little wild after a few cups of sake, and rarely anything she says holds water; especially since she likes to get all cryptic and stuff."

"You...you're mocking me." Neji stated plainly upon realizing what was happening.

"Of course I'm mocking you, have you listened yourself?" Naruto commented, shocking Neji that he'd actually admit it. "Like a broken record playing an old, annoying song. Still, since you're so obsessed with Fate, how about this? Fate has decreed that I'm going to beat you, someday become Hokage, and marry your cousin Hinata. It has also decreed that you will be violated by a travelling merchant's horny pack mule. Then, the girl that you eventually warm your cold heart to will fall in love with your teammate when she finds out that he's far more well endowed, and much better and longer lasting in bed than you are. Now, since I'm much higher in the food chain, and far more important to the village than you are, my declaration is much stronger than yours. As a result, you will lose and be violated, then have the love of your life leave you for Lee, because no one can defy Fate. I'd suggest you start carrying some lube and a tiny violin with you."

Neji's teeth clenched in anger.

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Lee, who hadn't suffered the same injuries as before, and who had actually arrived at the arena in time to see the first match, blushed a very bright red. The fact that Fem!Gaara was sitting next to him with a tilted head, and a questioning look only added to that. What she said next though, was simply too much for the boy.

"It seems that I will not be the only one bearing your children, Lee-san." She said. "I hope this other girl understands that she will have to share."

Gai didn't know whether to frown at poor Neji's fate of losing his love to Lee, or crying tears of joy that his favorite student was going to be such a ladies man.

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Up in the VIP spectators area, Hiashi and Hizashi were sitting together and frowning. Now he understood how and why one with such strong blood shouldn't be the heir. To say they were disturbed would be accurate, although they were also a little amused at the Uzumaki's retort.

"Your son...he has some issues." Hiashi said.

"I agree, Hiashi, but what can you expect given what he saw." The elder twin sighed.

"I agree." Hiashi said. "I know that I don't deserve it, but I want to apologize for using the seal on you that day. I'd seen your training sessions with Neji, and I was envious that his progress was so much faster than Hinata's. I took it out on Hinata, and when I felt your KI, I snapped." Hizashi smirked.

"You are forgiven, brother." Hizashi said. "For the record though, my anger was directed at you for being so rough with her, not at Hinata. So, how do you feel about Uzumaki's declaration?" Hiashi sighed at his brother's teasing.

"Hinata decided when she was nine, that she was going to marry Naruto." Hiashi said. "I have never been able to find out why she did so initially, just that he was who she'd chosen. As far as his declaration goes, given the last two times someone tried to get in the way of an Uzumaki Jinchuuriki in love, I'll just spend the next few years until she's of marrying age getting myself used to the idea that I'll be gaining a son and daughter-in-law when she marries Naruto."

"You know, I'm actually envious of you, Hiashi." The younger admitted.

"Oh?"

"Yes, in a few years, you will be blessed with the opportunity to become a grandfather." Hizashi said, sagging in disappointment. "I'm not likely to get that chance with the way Neji is going."

"I'm sorry, brother," Hiashi said with a sigh of his own. "Let's just hope that he doesn't start airing our clan's dirty laundry. As much as I've tried to correct some things over the years, it hasn't been going as well as I'd hoped, and the one person who could have changed it has decided to marry out of the clan."

"Yes, Hinata is likely the only one of your children who could obtain the love and support of both houses of the clan."

"You say that like I've got more than just two children." Hiashi said with a frown.

"Well, there was that one rumor about Ko-oof-" Hizashi cut off as he was elbowed in the side.

"Not in public, Hizashi," Hiashi whispered harshly. "-and for the last time, Yuki Giin is not my lover. She's just a girl who thinks that I am the one, but the kid is not my son."

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Elsewhere, a pair of kunoichi were having a different type of discussion.

"How can he be so cocky about this?" Ino asked. "Doesn't he realise he doesn't have a chance against Neji. Is he suicidal or something?"

"Ino, I don't think Naruto's been showing us what he's really capable of." Sakura said. "I think what he did during the prelims is only the tip of the iceberg. Besides, he's done pretty well so far."

"That may be true, but he's on his last legs, and Neji is still mostly fresh." Ino reminded her. "I may not like Naruto all that much, but that doesn't mean I'd want to see him get hurt, either."

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"You claim that you'll defeat me, but how can you possibly win without chakra?" Naruto gave Neji a smirk that he really didn't like.

"Neji, for someone who claims to be able to see everything, you're missing the glaringly obvious." Neji glared, wondering what he could possibly be missing.

"What are you talking about?"

"Neji, it's going to take more than Juuken to completely seal off my chakra." Naruto gave a smile.

"What?"

"I'll show you."

Placing his hands in the dragon seal- something that he and Iruka had discovered worked better for him when channeling chakra than the normal ram seal- Naruto began channeling his chakra. It started out slow, earning him a taunting rebuke from Neji for attempting the impossible, but soon the air surrounding Naruto began to thicken. This was followed by a visible aura surrounding the blond Genin, causing Neji to widen his eyes in shock. A mass of energy swirling around Naruto's feet, creeping up his legs, his torso, over his head. And then it happened.

With an explosion, Naruto forced his closed tenketsu back open. Given that it was only a few in his arms and legs, and not the major ones in his torso, this wasn't exactly a very difficult feat, but the audience didn't know that, so it seemed like a rather impressive feat. Sure, it was highly unfair that he was using knowledge gained from spars with a Jounin Neji, and a Chuunin Hinata, but they were ninja, and that was what they did; used every advantage they had at their disposal to complete their missions. Sure, most Konoha ninja tended to avoid using certain advantages unless they absolutely had to, but they weren't above lying, cheating, and dishonesty when the need arose.

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Back at the Academy...

"Ha, I told you that Neji would wipe the floor with him." Hanabi taunted.

"Shut up, niisan is just pretending to be hurt, he's going to kick that guy's ass." Konohamaru replied, and grinned when Naruto reopened his points. "Ha, I told you he wouldn't lose to that teme."

"Why you-" Again Iruka had to break up a squabble between Konohamaru and Hanabi. How it was that the two ended up next to each other again after he'd taken great care to separate them, he didn't know.

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"Now, shall we continue?" Naruto asked.

And so the fight continued. Neji found himself becoming quickly frustrated. It would appear that like Lee, the deadlast seemed to be faster, and a more difficult opponent when he wasn't bogged down by the extra weight, and apparently that chest armor he'd been wearing had significantly slowed him down.

This round, Naruto decided to show just a little of what he was really capable of. He'd use the jutsu that he'd gotten from Kakashi, as well as the few he'd learned in his old life. As much as he'd like to use the ones he'd gotten from Danzo, they were unfortunately too lethal for him to use against a comrade, even if Neji was asking for it.

He started off by again utilizing his Kage Bunshin to avoid Neji's attacks. When Neji seemed to figure out what he was doing, and decided to actually use the lethal force he'd been threatening, Naruto decided it was probably best to avoid taijutsu for the time being. It was time to break out the second ninja art that he was somewhat well versed in- well, at least for his shinobi rank. As Neji initiated his attack, hoping to use his still superior speed against Naruto, the blond jumped back, making hand seals as he went.

Taking a deep breath, Naruto let loose his jutsu. "Endan!" He whispered, before expelling a jet of fire towards his opponent. Momentarily shocked at the jutsu, as well as the fact that the boy knew it, Neji just barely dodged the attack, and found himself singed just a bit. The silence in the arena also apparently meant that no one else expected him to have that jutsu in his arsenal. Ha, he was still the most unpredictable ninja in Konoha. And if they thought that was a surprise, wait till they saw what he planned next.

Neji once again went on the offensive, hoping to overwhelm the blond, especially after realising that Naruto's strategy was to dodge, avoid, and retreat to hopefully wear him out. For some other losers, it might have been a good strategy, but for any Genin of Might Gai, it wasn't plausible. Even the team's weak link could outlast most of those pathetic rookies. Still, the fool was too confident. He was avoiding using his best chance at keeping away, which probably meant that he was getting low on chakra, and trying to conserve it. Hmph, that would only make this all the more easy.

Going on the attack again, Neji began using all of his considerable- for a Genin, anyway- speed to overwhelm Naruto. His attacks came swiftly, and it was all the blond could do to dodge. He smirked when his opponent slowed down his dodging, and began trying to block his strikes. This allowed him to land more blows on his arms, and once he began connecting at a much more useful rate than before, it would only be a matter of time before this fool fell to the power of Hyuuga like all the others before him. THERE!

Finding the opening he was looking for, Neji struck, hitting Naruto several times in the arm, and a few in his torso, before slamming a chakra covered palm into Naruto's chest, that knocked him into the wooded area in the arena.

"Now you can call it, proctor." Neji said, brimming with confidence.

"You're awfully sure about that." Genma said, with a raised brow. "Think I'll wait a few moments."

And so the wait began. At the five minute mark, Genma started to wonder if the Hyuuga boy wasn't right after all. Raising his hand, he was just about to call the match when there was movement from the trees.

"Sorry it took so long." Naruto apologized grinning. "But it took longer to reopen my chakra points this time since he got a couple of my core points in the torso area. But I'm good to go again, now."

"How?"

"Well, I've got enough chakra to force my points back open." Naruto said. "Takes a shit load of power, and hurts like all hell, but it's possible if you know how to do it."

"Fine, if you won't accept your fate, then I will make you accept it. Hakke Rokujuuyonshou!" Neji yelled, before charging.

Naruto simply ran through a set of handseals, before drawing his arms back, and swiping them forwards. "Daitoppa!" He called, as a massive wind kicked up, and tossed Neji out of his attack, and back several feet, before he crash landed, kicking up dirt and dust as he skidded along the arena floor.

Neji didn't have time to even get settled before he was forced to dodge another gout of flames. Knowing that he wouldn't have time to dodge, he went into a rapid spin, once again utilizing the ultimate defence of the Kaiten. To Neji's shock, the flames kept coming, and he had to wonder how the idiot was keeping the flames going on a single breath, never knowing that Naruto had created a few clones after he'd started spinning, and they were all sending flames at stuttered intervals. What Neji did know, was that if the flames kept up, he would soon run out of chakra trying to keep the chakra intensive defense up. Finally, the heat trickled down to nothing, allowing him to stop his spinning. Unfortunately, the obscuring steam surrounding him wasn't doing him any favors, and the heavy chakra saturation made using his Byakugan useless.

Seeing the flames licking at the chakra dome, and turning it into a spinning fireball, Naruto had to admit the effect was totally badass. He was definitely going to have to see if there were any Hyuuga with a Katon affinitty, because he'd just had an awesome idea. Still, while just using this tactic to drain Neji would probably win him the match, he wasn't done teaching Neji his lesson. Matter of fact, he hadn't even gotten to the meat of this practical lecture. While the clones were shooting streams of fire at Neji's defense, Naruto ran through another set of seals.

"Mizurappa!" He intoned after taking a deep breath, expelling a strong jet of water that was oddly enough shaped like a trumpet. What this did, was cause a great deal of steam to billow up around the Kaiten. It also signalled his clones to stop using their fire jutsu, so that Neji would stop spinning. As soon as he did so, Naruto sent the clones in to attack using the cover of the steam. Sadly, Naruto made a slight miscalculation, and sent them in too soon, and they got caught on the tail end of Neji's Kaiten as it was ending.

Using the cover for himself, Neji launched an attack from the steam, and this time Naruto was forced to defend himself. With a rapid set of seals, and a fierce push of his hands forward, Naruto put some space between himself and Neji.

"Reppushou!" He called, expelling a strong gust of wind from his palms.

And so the match continued. Naruto using jets of fire and water, as well as gusts of wind, to exhaust his opponent, and keep the distance. Neji dodged a few more blasts of fire and water, before noticing an opening. When he was taking his breath for his jutsu, as well as when he was blowing it out, he was leaving himself open for a swift attack. Waiting for the next burst of flame, Neji darted in, his hands ready to unleash a fury of hurt on the loud mouth. To his surprise, the blond burst into a puff of smoke when he jabbed two fingers into his chest.

This is where Naruto's plan came into action. You see, Naruto hadn't spent the entire time in the wooded area reopening his chakra points. He'd also been thinking of a plan to get close enough to Neji to initiate his final lesson. Now that he'd gotten the chance, it was time to act. As Neji looked around the arena for his opponent, he forgot to look in the one place that Naruto could sneak up on him...down. He never had a chance to dodge as Naruto burst from the ground.

"Shinjuu Zanshuu!" He called, and grabbed Neji's ankle.

Neji, however, wasn't one to just allow himself to be taken advantage of, and quickly freed himself from Naruto's grasp. Even still, Naruto had already succeeded in doing what he'd set out to, and grinned as he pulled himself from the ground. It was just too bad for Neji that he was too busy taunting Naruto about his failed attack to notice the small black seal tag that had just been inscribed upon his leg. Finally, Neji relaxed his stance, and contemplated his opponent for a moment.

"Why do you not just accept your fate?" Neji growled. "Why can't you understand that no one can deny their destiny? Why don't you just accept defeat?"

"I could ask you the same thing, teme?" Naruto asked. "Why, if you're so strong, and your eyes can really see everything, would you mentally attack Hinata who was trying so hard?"

"That's none of your business."

"Let me guess, it has something to do with that whole Main Family, Branch Family crap, doesn't it?" Naruto asked.

"You have no idea what it's been like." Neji spat. "Fine, if you really want to know, I'll tell you all about the Hyuuga's destiny of hatred."

And with that, Neji aired the Hyuuga's dirty laundry, much to the chagrin of his father and uncle. Naruto, already knowing the whole story, really being the only one who'd been able to see through the stupidity, and being the only one with the balls to call the clan on it back in his own time wasn't about to just sit there and let this go without further taunting. The whole idea of a Main and Branch family was stupid, and as much as he hated to say it with all the problems they had, the Hyuuga could really learn a lesson about family solidarity from the Uchiha; barring a couple notable exceptions, of course.

Naruto decided to further humiliate Neji by waiting until he was done, before taking his shot. He wasn't sure why he'd decided on that particular jibe, but would realise in hindsight that it was probably the most amusing kick back.

Mimicking his sensei, Naruto waited until Neji had gone silent before retorting, "Huh, did you say something Neji? I was too busy planning a nice picnic for Hinata-chan and Haku-chan."

Smirking at Neji as he was, Naruto missed the massive, fluff induced swoon that fell over a good number of the women and girls in the arena. He also missed the near spastic twitch that Gai developed having one of Kakashi's pupils using his hip retorts on one of his own students. There was just no justice in the world.

"How dare you mock me?" Neji growled. "You are fated to lose, no one can fight fate."

"You know, Neji." Naruto taunted. "All this crap about fate has only proven to everyone that Hinata is stronger than you, even if you did beat her. Even after taking a beating at the hands of someone she cares so much about, she still got up, she still tried to continue. You just lie there, wallowing in your defeat. You wanna know something about Fate, Neji? Fate doesn't completely dictate your life, it's just there to help you along, not rule you. Fate gives you a set of paths and possibilities you can pick from, it's up to you to choose which one you follow. After failing the Academy Exam three times because I couldn't make a Bunshin, I overcame it by learning the Kage Bunshin, and working myself to exhaustion. A thousand Kage Bunshin a day for sixth months has helped me grow in ways you can't believe." Had Naruto bothered to look, he'd have seen that his declaration had brought bright red blushes to many a kunoichi's face.

"You want to know why your clan suffers the division it does? It's because no one besides Hinata had the courage to stand up and say that damned seal is wrong. None of you had the strength to do something about it, the determination to find an alternative that everyone in your clan could wear to protect your bloodline. Man, can you get any more disfunctional? You keep this up, and you're liable to end up like the Uchiha, nearly extinct, and little more than an afterthought."

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'_It would seem that Naruto-san plans to teach Neji a lesson. He's quite a bit like his mother that way._' Hiashi thought, releasing a sigh.

When an Uzumaki taught a moral lesson, there were only two outcomes. Either you changed for the better, or you were committed. The most famous example being Mito Uzumaki. I mean really, how else do you explain Hashirama's limp wrist straightening out, an impulsive, womanizing manwhore like Tobirama Senju gaining the restraint and maturity to become a good sensei and Hokage, and Madara thinking that implanting his eye on the moon was a good idea? Sadly, the asylum wasn't capable of holding a shinobi of Madara's calibur at the time. The poor guy just hadn't been the same since his brother's death, and the fact that he realised too late that if they'd simply just traded faulty eyes, he'd have his brother and the Eternal Mangekyo.

'_I just wish the elders were here to witness this._' Hiashi lamented. '_The young man makes much sense._'

"May I ask what your thoughts are about his comments on the clan seal?" Hizashi asked, curious.

"I would consider it if I knew someone capable of creating it." Hiashi answered honestly. The worst day of his life had been when he'd been forced to watch his twin brother branded, and shunted to the Branch Family, knowing that his brother would be considered little more than a servant or guard for the rest of his life.

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"Well, since you've had your turn to impress the Chuunin Exam judges, I guess it's time to end this." Naruto informed his opponent. "You should be glad that you're a comrade, because if you hadn't been, I wouldn't have bothered giving you a chance to show off for the judges, I'd have not bothered with the training seals, or the armor, I'd have ended the match as soon as Genma-san said start."

'_No, I wouldn't have been kind at all, I'd have repeatedly prolapsed your fucking rectum!_' Naruto thought venomously.

Naruto lifted his shirt, again eliciting catcalls and whistles from Anko. After biting his thumb, he began to bring it towards his chest, when the proctor grabbed his hand. "Don't worry, I'm not going to bother _that_ seal yet; not until I know I can kick that giant flea motel's furry ass." Naruto then lifted his shirt higher, and ran his finger over a seal on his chest. Genma watched intrigued as a set of seals began to sweep across his body.

"Am I supposed to be impressed by such a small display of fuinjutsu ability?" Neji taunted. "It's not like the art has any use in a pitched fight."

It was at this point that every shinobi who had fought alongside or against a member of the Uzumaki Clan- and to a lesser extent- Minato cringed. The things that they'd seen the former do with fuinjutsu in tandem with the Uzumaki style taijutsu were just sort of amazing- and often times traumatizing. The ability to demoralize an enemy by grafting debilitating seals onto opponents during a taijutsu exchange had been a key staple of the Uzumaki clan, and one of the reasons why they had been targeted for extermination by several different villages. That Kushina had taught a shinobi like Minato, who'd taken that to new heights when he'd combined it with ninjutsu to create the Hiraishin, was a testament to what could be done with fuinjutsu when used properly.

"All right, let's see if you're really as good as you think you are, or if your bloodline has just given you an undeservedly over-inflated opinion of yourself." Neji again went on the attack.

The action was fast and furious, Naruto blocking Neji's strikes, knocking them away with what many of the higher level shinobi could tell was relative ease. Each time the Hyuuga prodigy struck, Naruto knocked his arm away tagging them with seals so that his chakra was disrupted. These seals served to cause the chakra being channeled to Neji's hands to dissipate and be wasted every time he attempted to use the deadly Juuken strikes. Using what a few who were close to them could recognize as the Uzumaki Style kata, Naruto faced- and was summarily defeating- Neji in a taijutsu match just to make a point. The few blows that Naruto landed- when he decided to attack, anyway- looked especially painful.

Neji wasn't considered gifted for nothing though, and came up with a strategy that he felt might work. When Naruto went for a punch to the chest, he moved with the strike, greatly lessening the damage he took from it. Recovering quickly, Neji tried to press an attack- using the close proximity to his advantage- but Naruto easily dodged, hitting him in the forehead as he leapt away. Neji's growl of frustration was easily heard throughout the arena. Fueled by rage, and with almost no technique, Neji charged, and struck with a Juuken strike- having figured out how long the chakra would last on his hands, and figuring out how to time his attacks so that he was able to strike with the Juuken efficiently.

What happened next was so fast that if you blinked, you would have missed most of it. As Neji thrust forward with a chakra covered palm aimed at his heart, Naruto sidestepped him. Grabbing Neji by the forearm with his left hand, Naruto maneuvered him that so that Neji slipped past him. Naruto wasn't finished, though. He quickly brought his right arm across his body, and rapidly struck Neji twice in the collar bone with his right hand. He followed that up by bending that arm, and striking Neji in the face with his elbow, before spinning away from Neji, bringing his elbow around to smash into the right side of Neji's face. He finished it off by giving Neji a chakra powered boot to the ass that launched him several meters away.

As Neji climbed shakily to his feet, he could be heard growling. "No, I am fated to win. I'm fated to destroy this clanless loser."

Deciding he was done dealing with this crap, Naruto decided to just finish things.

"Neji, I told you that I'd make you pay for what you did to Hinata, and I intend to do so, starting now." Neji didn't know what hit him. One moment the idiot was standing there, and the next he was doubled over the blond's fist with the air being forced out of his lungs.

"That was for the cheap shot on Hinata." Naruto whispered in his ear. "Consider yourself lucky that Hinata cares for you, because my original plan was to rip your dick off, and feed it to you." Adding insult to the injury, Naruto bitch slapped his fellow Genin. "And that was for acting like a bitch, not having the courtesy to be at the very least a sexy, respectable one like the lovely ladies of clan Inuzuka, and making us listen to you whine like a sissy. Matter of fact, since you want to act like a pissy little girl, I'll do you a favor. Oiroke no Jutsu!"

When the smoke cleared, Naruto found himself shocked at what he found...and very thankful that Neji was still clothed. First and foremost, the craziest thing, was that other than a a softening of features, and the addition of some very nice curves, there wasn't very much of a change. The changes that did occur though, were very interesting. Oiroke Neji's hair was as long as he remembered it being after his training with Jiraiya, and the well maintained tresses would have fallen down her back in soft waves. Well, they would have if they weren't tied off at the end in that sort of ponytail he remembered.

Another big change was the prominent lumps on Neji's chest. Judging from the bulges he could see through fourteen year old Neji's top, he was starting to think that that rumor about Hyuuga women having a secondary bloodline involving their busts might have some basis in truth. From what he could see, she could easily claim to equal his original Oiroke no Jutsu in the bust department, and Naruko was no slouch in that area, easily topping Anko, Kurenai, and Ino at sixteen.

And if that wasn't enough, Neji's current attire only served to accentuate what was there. Where before his top was short sleeved and baggy- much like his own original jumpsuit jacket- with a high, bulky collar, the top Oiroke Neji wore was sleeveless, showing off her delicate looking, yet deceptively strong arms. It was also a lot more form fitting, showing off the very nice curves, and the collar was also much smaller, and a bit snugger. Likewise, the knee length baggy shorts Neji favored were now much snugger, again showing off Neji's newly acquired curves, and only came down to about the middle of her shapely thighs. While there wasn't much change to his/her sandals, they did look a bit more feminine.

"Y-you turned me into a girl?" Neji asked in horror.

"Okay, given the intention of the jutsu, I was fully expecting that Neji would be turned into a hot girl." Naruto said gaping. "But am I the only one freaked out by the fact that there isn't really that much change from the neck up, here?" Naruto asked. Neji grasped her chest, then blatantly groped between her legs in horror.

"You turned me into a girl!" Neji repeated loudly, rushing Naruto. "DIE YOU DEADLAST, BASTARD!"

"You really need to calm down, Neji." Naruto said, placing his hand in a single seal, activating his previously placed fuinjutsu. Unseen to Neji, black markings began to crawl over her body, originating at the ankle that Naruto had grabbed earlier in the fight.

Halfway to her attack destination, Neji was shocked to find herself frozen in place. "I-I can't move, what have you done?"

"It's quite simple, really." Naruto said. "I placed a seal on you that would, upon speading over the target's- in this case your- body, bind them in place. Now I can defeat you at my leisure, but first, I'm going to finish humiliating you like you did to Hinata. No doubt this will cost me my promotion, but for my hime, it's well worth it. And I've even got the perfect tools to do it."

Pulling a scroll from his pocket, Naruto placed some chakra over the storage seals drawn on it to reveal...beauty supplies?

"Guh, you-" Neji tried, finding even speaking difficult.

"Let's see if we can't do something a little more stylish with your hair." Naruto called, picking up a comb and a pair of scissors. "Let's see how Haku-chan's hair style looks on you."

And so, Naruto began styling Neji's hair, mimicking the various girls in their age group. First he styled Neji's hair similar to the way Haku wore her's, both up and down. While the hair down style looked pretty good on Neji- given how similar it was to Neji's original- Naruto felt it was too plain, and the other style didn't really suit Neji. He did notice, though, that the long bangs Haku wore in hunter-nin mode framed Neji's face rather nicely, but the bun in back didn't work all that well. Next he tried Ino's style, but quickly found that it didn't work either, finally figuring out that Neji just couldn't pull off the pulled-up look that one needed for buns and ponytails. Just to sate a curiosity, Naruto styled Neji's hair to mimic his female teammate, and further proved that pulled-up hair didn't work.

Next, Naruto decided to try a few shorter hair styles. Trimming a few centimeters off, Naruto began styling until Neji's hair was a near copy of the style Sakura had worn during their later academy days. Unlike the other styles, this one worked pretty well for Neji. But again, it was too similar to the plain old original, so Naruto moved on. Next he tried the look that Karin had worn...the less said about how that looked, the better. Next Naruto trimmed a few more centimeters off, shortened Neji's bangs, and separated Neji's hair into four slightly short ponytails. Sadly, Temari's look didn't do much for Neji, although it did oddly enough look pretty good.

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Iruka gave another frustrated sigh as he broke up yet another squabble between Konohamaru and Hanabi. This time over the genderbending and beauty salon immitation Naruto was performing on his opponent, which had sent the youngest Sarutobi into a fit of laughter, only to result in his being tackled to the ground by an irate Hanabi as a result.

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Finally Naruto decided to just go for broke, cutting Neji's hair until it came down just long enough to cover the tops of her ears. Once he was done, he took a moment to look at his work. He had to admit, Neji looked surprisingly good with Hinata's style, but there was something missing. It only took a glance up at his girlfriend to realize what it was. Hinata had those two long bangs at the temple, while Neji didn't. In a fashion only possible due to the laws of anime, and much to everyone's shock, as Naruto combed Neji's bangs out, they began to increase in length with each stroke. Once he'd finished combing Neji's bangs out, they were back to the way they had been before he'd cut it. Finding that the extra long bangs looked good, Naruto traded out his scissors for something else.

When he finally took a look at his finished product, he had to say he did good work. Sure, it wasn't quite beauty shop quality, but it was pretty good for an amateur. Where once Neji's hair was long and luxurious, now his hair resembled Hinata's, only it was slightly longer, and Neji's bangs went down to her chest, and were fashioned into curled ringlets. (2). Shockingly enough, upon seeing it, Hinata found she actually liked that style, and decided that she was going to grow her bangs out to mimic her cousin.

After finishing Neji's hair, he reached for the make up kit. With a surprising amount of skill- of which the acquisition will be taken to the grave with him- applied just a dabble of this and that. Just a bit of foundation, just a bit of lipstick, a dash of eyeshadow, and just a bit of pop for her lashes. Stepping back, Naruto grinned at his work. For someone who was a guy, who wasn't at all into fashion, he'd done a rather swell job of making Neji pretty. Of course, Neji had to be given a lot of the credit, giving him such a lovely canvas to work on. If he'd had to try and make the Daimyo's wife pretty, well, he didn't have that kind of skill, let's just leave it at that.

Now one might have wondered why Genma hadn't called the match by now, but there was a good...okay, there was at least...nope, it was just another plothole that would have buggered everyone's amusement. Let's just say he was indisposed for some reason, and had only just been able to recover, and call the match. My guess would be from laughing so hard.

Naruto's defeat of Neji- which was going at anywhere from even to 69-1 odds in Neji's favor depending on where you were betting- shocked many. One person who it hadn't shocked was Anko, who was cheering quite loudly- complete with pom poms and cheerleading outfit- while dancing in a way that made several people blush. She also just so happened to be repeating the phrase, "Whoop, that's my gaki." while gyrating. How she'd convinced Hinata and Haku to go along with it, Naruto didn't want to know, but he had to admit the visual effect was very nice. The two girls were enjoying themselves if their cheers of, "Whoop, that's my boyfriend." were to be believed.

As everyone stared at the frozen, thoroughly defeated female form of Neji Hyuuga, the only thing that could be heard over Naruto's cheering section was a loud...

"Where the hell did that come from?!" ...from Ino.

"If there's one thing that I've learned being on his team," Sakura started, although she had to admit she wasn't expecting that. "Do not, under any circumstances, underestimate, or assume anything about Naruto Uzumaki."

'_If they thought me beating Neji was crazy news, then what I'm about to do will blow their fragile little minds._'

"How?" The now female Neji groaned as the jutsu was released. Naruto, not knowing whether he was referring to the genderbending, or how he'd defeated him, decided to answer the latter question; no point giving away his secret. He also couldn't help appreciating the perfect set up. He suspected NB had something to do with that.

"The simple fact is that I'm not normal, Neji, I never have been." Naruto said. "Hell, given who my mother was, and the circumstances surrounding my birth, I never even had the option of being normal. What you fail to understand, is that there are powers far beyond what your pathetically simple imagination can fathom outside of this village. Your taijutsu is strong, but what if getting close enough to use it was far more dangerous than you were prepared to deal with. If I had wanted you dead, all it would have taken was the time to release my training seal, and draw a kunai, because as you felt, the moment after, the match would have been over. If I were you, I'd suggest to your clan head that it's time for the Hyuuga to start branching out into other shinobi fields."

"But fate-" Neji mumbled.

"-is an extremely fickle bitch." Naruto finished for him.

As Naruto walked away, he decided to make one fun little change to things. "By the way. If you think that little seal of yours is bad, try having one of the biju sealed inside you, and grow up with most of the adults- the very people we're told as children we can count on for help, safety, and advice- not being able to distinguish between children and the monster they've been forced to associate with. Then you'll get a taste of how fucked up your life can really be." As silence descended on the arena, Naruto turned to Gaara up in the candidate box, and gave him a meaningful nod. He grinned when he got one in return.

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As the match was called, Konohamaru turned to Hanabi with a wide grin. "Ha, I told you niisan was awesome!"

"Tch, just because he beat Neji doesn't mean he's strong enough to beat a Main House Hyuuga." She replied haughtily.

"Naruto niisan could beat your whole clan if he wanted to." Konohamaru jibed back.

After a few more underhanded verbal shots aimed at each other, and their families, the two took to glaring at each other, knowing that if their disagreement became physical again, they'd get in a lot of trouble with the chaperoning sensei. Suddenly, someone reacted to something being shown on the screen, and bumped into both the young heiress and the little Naruto minion. As it usually happens in anime, the two were pushed towards each other until their lips met. Almost immediately, the two leapt away from each other.

"Hey, you kissed me!" Konohamaru yelled. "You contaminated me with cooties on purpose because you were mad that I was right about niisan kicking Neji-teme's ass."

Did I forget to mention that Naruto was both a great, and horrible influence on Konohamaru, Moegi, and Udon?

"What, you're the one who kissed me!" Hanabi replied, before the argument again devolved into a wrestling match which Iruka had to break up. It was times like this that he regretted thinking that having Naruto in class was the worst thing that could happen to him as a teacher.

Little did anyone know that the rather amusing squabble between preschoolers would develop into a rivalry, that would become grudging respect, that would eventually turn into love. Funny how history repeated itself, and somewhere there was a redheaded kunoichi watching fondly remembering her first Academy wrestle, tug, and pull with a certain blond haired, future Hokage.

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As Temari and Shikamaru were being called down to fight, Naruto found himself being approached by an Anbu with a frog mask informing him that the Hokage wanted to see him. Pausing only long enough to toss Shikamaru into the arena, Naruto smirked at the boy glaring up at him before leaving the waiting area, and heading up to the Kage box. The old man didn't waste any time getting to the heart of the matter.

"Naruto, can you tell me why you felt it necessary to divulge an S-class village secret, and what the consequences are for it?"

"Well, considering that all the adults already know, it's not much of a secret is it?" Naruto asked. "As for why I told, well, I don't really care anymore about hiding the fact that I'm a Jinchuuriki. I'm proud of what I am. The Yondaime trusted me to protect the village from Kyuubi, so it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. Besides, they all had a negative opinion of me anyway, not like much will really change except the emotion they direct towards me." Naruto then grinned. "As for the consequences, since it's _my_ secret, and I'm the only one that the results really effect, shouldn't I be able to reveal it when I want?"

"You enjoy making more paperwork for me, don't you?" Sarutobi asked, with a wry grin.

"Well my normal pranks don't work on you anymore, so I have to get you somehow." Naruto teased.

"Hmph, we'll see if you feel that way when you're the one wearing the hat, and having to deal with all of that paperwork." Sarutobi said, looking at the suddenly confused blond. "Something on your mind?"

"What happened to Gaara's dad?" Naruto asked. "And his guards, as well?"

"He had some bad yakitori." Sarutobi replied. "He ended up sprinting to the bathroom shortly after your match with Neji started. When he hadn't returned after the match was over, I suggested they go and check on him."

'_You're still sick and twisted, but I can admit that was a good prank._' Naruto thought.

"I even took some inspiration from you, and short-changed his toilet paper." NB responded.

Since the snake bastard wasn't using it at the moment, Naruto took himself a little sit down, to watch Shikamaru and Temari face each other. Of course, his actions didn't go unnoticed by the Hokage.

"Naruto, what are you doing?" Naruto gave a sheepish grin.

"Well, I figure since Kazekage-san isn't using his seat, I could just sit up here with my fourth favorite person in the whole village, and watch the match from the best seats in the arena." Naruto replied. "You know, keep his seat warm, and I promise I'll give it back to him when he returns."

"Fourth?" Hiruzen asked.

"Well, Hinata and Haku are tied for first, obviously, and Ayame-nee is third, so that puts you in fourth." Sarutobi smiled.

'_At least he has his priorities straight._' The old man said.

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It wasn't long...okay, honestly, it was, but whose really keeping track. Still, some time later, Temari and Shikamaru's match came to an end, predictably with Shikamaru forfeiting. While the first time around he'd believed the lazy Chuunin's story of realising that he was low on chakra, now he knew the truth. The lazy bastard just hadn't wanted to put in anymore effort. He'd made a good enough showing so that his mother wouldn't bitch at him, and that was all that he was worried about.

That meant it was time for... "Will Sasuke Uchiha and Sabaku no Gaara come to the arena for their match?"

Naruto looked around wondering where the pervert light and Sasuke were. After nearly a ten minute wait, the Hokage stood and announced that Sasuke's match against Gaara would be postponed, and to skip to the next one. As he retook his seat, Naruto turned to the Hokage. Again the first time around, he'd been naive enough to be happy that his chance to kick Sasuke's ass in front of a crowd hadn't been taken from him. Now, he unfortunately realized what it really was...favortism. As the match between Shino and Kankuro started, Naruto decided to broach the subject.

"Jiji, are you really going to let Sasuke get away with not being here on time?" Naruto asked, disappointment marring his features.

"You have to understand Naruto, that most of the people here came to see Sasuke fight." Sarutobi said.

"I get that." Naruto said. "I'm well aware that the entire shinobi world has an obsession with the Uchiha, and has been practically messing their pants in anticipation of seeing him, but having a different set of rules especially for him is unfair to the other participants. It also sends a really bad message to the other villages and potential clients about favortism. Even if you've decided to let him compete, there should still be consequences for him being late. At the very least he should lose the right to be promoted no matter what happens, especially considering that anyone else in the finals would have been disqualified by now."

"I will consider it." It wasn't long before the Hokage summoned Raido to him, to give a message to the proctor.

Much as he didn't want to hold such a promising young ninja back, Naruto was right. Part of being a Chuunin was being responsible, and Sasuke not showing up on time showed that he was not ready for the responsibility of being a Chuunin. That being said, Naruto's performance also showed that he lacked the maturity in some areas for promotion. Then again, he did acknowledge that his stunt would likely cost him his promotion, which meant that he was mature enough to understand what he was doing wrong. Hiruzen sighed. So many factors to consider, and all with too delicate of a balance to ever truly be fair. Much as he hated it, he was going to have to ask the Ninja Council for their opinions. He really was getting too old for this shit.

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As the Kankuro vs. Shino match was wrapping up, Naruto couldn't help being baffled by how much things had stayed the same despite the changes he'd made, and had to admit that Neji had been at least partially correct about destiny. Then again, given the fact that most of the changes he'd made had been so minor in the grand sceme of things, it was possible that the timeline was capable of continuing mostly unchanged.

'_Damn, that means that I can't be pissed at NB for giving me restrictions, because they've actually allowed me to still mostly predict events. Although, that could also be because I have a companion beyond the fourth wall helping to ensure that things didn't stray too far from canon. Although I have to admit that I'm surprised Kankuro didn't forfeit._'

While the two Genin were being led away on stretchers, there was a sudden swirl of leaves in the middle of the arena surrounding what resembled a miniature, colorless Kaiten. As the swirl died down, and the leaves began floating to the ground, Kakashi and Sasuke were revealed standing back to back in what was supposed to be a cool pose. To their utmost surprise, the looks of shocked awe they were expecting were absent. Their confusion- even if they didn't show it- was alleviated moments later when several loud boos erupted from one section of the stands.

"Boo!" Anko screamed. "Naruto's entrance was way better than that cheap rip off."

As Kakashi turned to stare at Genma, the man smirked as he revealed. "Naruto did something similar with dove feathers that was admittedly a lot more flashy, and much more cool looking."

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Up in the stands, Ino gave a disappointed groan. "That would have looked so much cooler if Naruto hadn't done it better already."

"Yeah, and it also doesn't help that Naruto didn't need Kakashi-sensei's help to get the effect." Sakura added. '_There's also the fact that Naruto's been Shunshining into different things for months now, so even if he hadn't, I still wouldn't have been all that impressed._'

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"Well, sorry we're late." Kakashi said sheepishly. "I hope we're not _too_ late."

"Name?" Genma asked.

"Sasuke...Uchiha." The avenger intoned.

Genma gave a smirk as he announced the Hokage's verdict. "He's not too late to be allowed to compete, but due to us having to postpone his match because of his tardiness, he's disqualified from being promoted this time."

Naruto couldn't help raising his eyebrow in surprise at the glare that Sasuke leveled at their sensei. So the lateness and flashy entrance must have been Kakashi's idea. Still, even if it was, he'd gone along with it, so that was his fault.

"You said that they wouldn't disqualify me, because I was the one everyone wanted to see." Sasuke protested to his sensei.

"Yeah, but you're the one who went along with it." Kakashi said. "Maybe next time you'll think things through, look underneath the underneath."

"But-"

"Just swallow your pride, get your head out your ass, and grow up!" Naruto interrupted, arriving in the arena with a Shunshin of his own. "You're not Kami, you're not an elite, and you're not guaranteed a vest just because of that eye-infection you call a bloodline, so be grateful that you're even being allowed the chance to show off. Until you learn that Konoha doesn't revolve around you and your revenge on Itachi, you'll never amount to anything."

Although Sasuke glared at him, he didn't do anything else for a moment. His smirk then returned. "Hmph, I'm guessing that you beat Neji?"

"Was there ever any doubt?" Naruto bragged.

"No, not really." Sasuke said, and to the shock of both the elder nin, he sounded like he meant it.

"Good, then don't lose," Naruto taunted, even if he knew the likely outcome. "-I want to kick your ass myself."

A sudden swirl of sand announced the arrival of Gaara. "Then I'm afraid you will be disappointed. You will have to face me next round."

Naruto left the arena as the match was started, and wasn't all that surprised by the turn of events. The match went like it had the first time around, up until the Chidori, and then from there went pretty much the way he'd always suspected that fight would have gone...well, the way it would have gone if the invasion hadn't happened, and Gaara wasn't a homicidal loon, anyway.

Gaara fought Sasuke much the same way he always had, while Sasuke had ripped off Lee's speed and Taijutsu. Kakashi had been very right about Sasuke needing to win quickly, and it was obvious to him now the signs of Sasuke being incapable of sustaining that speed. After landing a few good hits, and Gaara going defensive, Sasuke leapt back and prepared for the Chidori. The signs of strain and exhaustion were very visible to a competent ninja, even to Genin if they knew what to look for. Naruto could easily see how wiped Sasuke was now. While he had plenty of chakra, keeping up that speed and now the Chidori was far more taxing on his physical endurance than Sasuke could currently handle.

Naruto began watching intently as he heard the sound of chirping birds, and had to again wonder how the Chidori or Raikiri could be an assassination jutsu when it made so much noise that it would give you away. As Sasuke stabbed, and Gaara screamed in pain, Naruto knew this was the turning point of the match. While Lee had only hit him, Sasuke had injured him, made him feel real pain for the first time ever. Gaara wasn't going to take it easy on him anymore, and that had Naruto just a tad bit worried. The most pressing thought, was would Gaara, after being hurt like this, revert to his former homicidal tendencies.

As the sand around Gaara shifted, Naruto tensed, hoping beyond hope that his intervention and friendship offer a month and a half ago would be enough. When the sand fell away to reveal Gaara, Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. Even if he was mildly freaked out by what he was seeing, it was certainly better than some of the alternatives, and it wasn't as if his reaction wasn't the norm for this situation. A quick glance away showed that 82 percent of the males in the audience were either unconscious, or heavily bleeding from the nose.

Yep, you guessed it. The sand fell away to reveal Gaara adorning his disturbingly hot Oiroke form. According to Naruto, Gaara-chan was more effective than Naruko due to something he called the 'moe' factor. That meant that she was very cute, like almost Hinata-san cute, but still above the bar that would make one feel dirty for perving on her. Having noticed Sasuke's reaction to Naruto's Oiroke, Gaara came to the conclusion that Sasuke wouldn't be able to help being distracted by this form. He was right, as the boy had his Sharingan active, and was staring at his body intently, as if fiercely trying to commit the form to memory...although why he didn't know since the doujutsu automatiaclly did that. Still, no point wasting a good distraction.

Gaara launched the sand he'd been sending into the ground while taking refuge inside his sand cocoon. With a cry of, "Sabaku Kyuu," Gaara smothered Sasuke in sand. Again hoping that he'd done enough, and that Sasuke's stupidity hadn't caused Gaara to relapse, Naruto found himself wondering why Orochimaru hadn't started the invasion by now, but looking up at the Hokage box revealed that Old Man Sarutobi was still by himself.

"That must have been some really bad Yakitori." Naruto muttered turning back to the fight.

Luckily, Naruto had made an impact, and Fem!Gaara's actions and words had really effected the redhead. Rather than smush the captured Uchiha, Gaara proceeded to do to him, what he'd been planning to do to Lee in the prelims had his slightly older twin not intervened. Raising the sand wad in the air, he slammed the coffin into the ground several times like a Wack-a-Mole mallet; enough times that when he released the sand after the last slam, it revealed a knocked out Sasuke.

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In the stands, Fem!Gaara wasn't quite sure what she felt about her twin using her form in his jutsu for such a distraction...at least she wasn't sure until she saw the reaction of the boy she'd decided would father her children. With a smile on her face at the very obvious interest, and the struggle he was having not staring at her, she decided that she could forgive Gaara this once. That didn't mean she wasn't going to talk to him about editing the details of that form so that he wasn't flashing her bits to everyone when he used it. She didn't like the way some of the surrounding men had turned and leered at her after they'd recovered.

Although, she did have to admit that she rather liked the feeling that had spread through her when her children's future father had come to her defense, and admonished the perverts for perving on his Fem!Gaara-chan. She didn't even mind when his oddly emotional sensei burst into tears praising his beautifully youthful chivalry.

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When the unconscious form of Sasuke was revealed, the spectators were shocked silent. That the genius last Uchiha had actually lost, actually could lose, had never occurred to them. Of course, many of the civilians were woefully unknowledgable of the techniques and abilities scattered throughout the shinobi nations that made the Sharingan as Sasuke had it, woefully pathetic. Sure, against some of the Genin his age in Konoha, Sasuke was pretty hot shit. Sadly, in the wider world, and not even there when you started factoring Chuunin into the mix- Sasuke was still a small fish in a very big pond.

One of the people who were most shocked by the turn of events was Ino. Ino, who thought Sasuke could do no wrong, was currently lamenting the fact that Naruto won, but Sasuke-kun didn't. Sakura- who'd seen Sasuke defeated before during spars against Naruto and their sensei, and even against Haku in Wave and spars- tried to console her.

"Come on Ino, it's not that big a deal." She said, rubbing the blonde's back.

Ino turned to glare at her pink haired rival. "How can you be so calm about this? Sasuke-kun lost."

Sakura just rolled her eyes. "Being on a team with those two, I've seen weird stuff like this often enough not to let it bother me anymore. Not only that, but you can't really expect Sasuke-kun to win all the time, he's still just a Genin, and it's obvious that Gaara- much like Naruto- isn't normal."

Another source of shock amongst the spectators, was that Naruto wasn't surprised in the least when Sasuke lost. Seriously, as good as Sasuke was, Gaara was a Jinchuuriki, and it would take a lot more specialzed training for Sasuke to make up that difference than a month could have provided...unles one could use Kage Bunshin like Naruto could. Now, if Sasuke had had enough time to train his body to sustain the speed he'd been moving at, without taking such a hit to his physical endurance, then Sasuke likely could have won...well, against this Gaara who wasn't homicidal, and willing to let his demon loose just to win. In the end, it often took a monster to defeat a monster, well, figuratively speaking anyway.

At least there was some good in Sasuke losing- especially the way he had. The hard-on that the world had for the Uchiha had flagged tremendously, and even some of his fangirls were now questioning their obsessions, meaning his number of stalkers would likely reduce. Also in Sasuke's favor, was that he didn't have such high standards to live up to anymore, and that he could just be himself, and move at his own pace from then on. In the intervening years, many people would marvel at how good not having that pressure on him was for Sasuke.

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Orochimaru chose that moment to return from the bathroom, just as Sasuke was had cleared the tunnel after being carted to the medical area.

"Okay, what did I miss?" He asked, Sarutobi.

"You missed your son defeating Sasuke Uchiha in a rather embarrassing manner." Sarutobi said, highly embarrassed.

Frowning, Orochimaru signalled one of the guards to send a message to Kabuto. "The new signal for the invasion to begin is the start of the final match."

Sitting back, Orochimaru settled in to watch the Uzumaki boy face the Desert Flower. He just hoped that bad batch of yakitori didn't give him anymore problems. Trying to fight his sensei with an upset stomach was pretty much a suicide run.

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"Sabaku no Temari and Naruto Uzumaki report to the arena for the first semi-final match." Genma called. He was answered moments later by Temari floating to the ground on her fan, and Naruto appearing via Shunshin in a swirl of frogs.

"Well looky here, I get to prove my point." Naruto said. "By the way, remember when I said I was going to embarrass you for what you did to Tenten?"

"I'd like to see you try." Temari taunted. "I'm not one of you Konoha pushovers."

Just before Genma was about to start the match, Naruto halted him. "I'd like to apologize to all of the women in attendance for how this match ends, but sometimes people need to be made to understand that their attitudes are unacceptable. To mock an opponent who gave their best- even when they were at an obvious disadvantage- is bad form."

The match between Naruto and Temari was rather interesting. Temari showed a great deal of strategic thinking when it came to combating Naruto's clones. The fact was, that Naruto was simply too capable of overwhelming her with numbers. All it took was swarming her with more clones than she could blow and knock away with her fan- of course with his use of fire jutsu, using her wind techniques had been very risky. With Naruto being a much better close range fighter than Temari, as well as having numbers on his side, it wasn't long before he'd separated her from her fan, and the end came. After a rather brief exchange of Taijutsu- which Temari vowed she would improve on when she got back home- Naruto used the pressure point he'd learned from Haku.

Temari's reaction was sudden, and immediate. Knees weak, she grasped the front of his shirt, and clutched him tightly, trying to keep from falling to the ground with her forehead resting on his shoulder, she started shaking uncontrollably, her knees knocking together as she whimpered, trying to fight what she knew was coming. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to hold it back any longer.

Through clenched teeth came a sound that was part growl, part roar, and part groan. With her eyes lolling up behind her lids, Temari soaked the lower half of her battle dress. For a solid 69 seconds, Temari spurted, squirted, splashed and gushed down her legs, and for another 690 seconds, she clutched at Naruto convulsing. Finally, her strength gave out, and Temari collapsed to her hands and knees. With one last muted groan, the girl collapsed completely to the ground unconscious, right into the puddle that she'd created.

Looking down at the arena, Tenten gave a wide smile. While she did feel some indignation as a woman for what he'd done, it was the thought behind the gesture that she appreciated. She didn't know the quirky blond all that well, but after hearing what he'd told the Sand kunoichi from Lee, and seeing what he just did to her, she planned to officially become his very good friend.

"Since Shino Aburame is still incapacitated, and Uzumaki has just finished a match, there will be a brief intermission." Genma said. "After that, we will either have the other semi-final of Sabaku no Gaara facing Shino Aburame, or the final, which will consist of Naruto Uzumaki facing Sabaku no Gaara."

Needless to say, that announcement was very shocking. Not the fact that there was intermission before the final, but the fact that Naruto Uzumaki would be in said final.

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Ten minutes later, Naruto and Gaara stood across from each other, having been called for the final match. Naruto, not sure what was possessing him to do it- or maybe he did- and hoping that Gaara would play along, shouted out his challenge. "Before this match starts, I want you to know that I'll never forgive you for what you did to Sasuke. I'm going to make you pay."

The extreme overdramatization of the statement made it quite obvious what Naruto was doing. Still, you'd be surprised at the number of fangirls some things tended to have, and just how many of Sasuke's fangirls were into that. With that one joking declaration, Naruto became the second most awesome thing ever- after Sasuke-kun of course- for avenging their love's defeat at the hands of the evil Sand Ninja. Gaara gave a sinister laugh, before giving a classic villain's reply, further adding to the scene, and earning Naruto a another temporary cheering section.

What followed was nearly twenty minutes of the best Action-Drama banter between hero and villain that anyone had ever seen. As luck would have it, an unlucky Konoha med-nin- who just so happened to have a brother who was the producer of a television series that just so happened to fill that genre requirement- was TiVo'ing the finals (which were being televised in Konoha for some reason) because he was working a double shift to pay for the new addition his wife had just told him they were expecting. In a few months, when the scene was replayed between two characters of his brother's show, he would find that his money troubles were gone for at least a decade, given how huge a success the series became after that super season finale.

Should one look around the arena, or peek into the homes of those watching the finals, they would find three frequent reactions to Naruto and Gaara's antics: captivated awe for such a dramatic display of friendship, daring, and caring (and yes, Lee and Gai were bawling their eyes out), laughing uproariously at the display (Anko the most obvious case here), and heads hung in embarrassment, hoping that pretending not to know Naruto or Gaara would lessen the feelings (pretty much everyone else close to Naruto and Gaara). Even Orochimaru, who was only pretending to be the Kazekage, hung his head in slight embarassment.

Finally, the greatly amused Genma raised his arm, and brought it down with a call of, "Hajime!"

And all hell broke loose as white feathers began raining down, signalling the activation of Kabuto's Genjutsu, followed by the explosion in the Kage box.

"So, invasion?" Naruto asked.

Gaara wilted some. "Yeah, sorry about not telling."

"No worries, we've known about this for almost a month now." Naruto replied, shocking his friend. "As good as Orochimaru thinks he is about keeping secrets, we've got someone better at uncovering them."

"Oh." I mean really, what can you say to that?

"So, what's it going to be?" Naruto asked. "I can put a seal on you that will give you a nice, long nap during the invasion, or we can fight, and I can knock you out."

Gaara thought about it, and came to a rather frustrating conclusion. "You should probably knock me out, to at least make this seem realistic. I'll try to keep my sand from stopping you."

Shrugging, Naruto unsealed a large 2x4 with 'clue x four' written along its length, and a Five Element Seal inscribed on one end. "Okay, this might hurt a bit." Darting forward, Naruto smacked Gaara in the head with his Clue x Four. Gaara flew a few feet away, and was snoring before he even landed.

Ironically enough, Naruto using the seal on Gaara would benefit him greatly. You see, while Shukaku was pretty much cool beans now, that damnable monk was still being a fucking buzzkill. While not as big a threat, the evil monk was still trying to damage Gaara's soul while he slept, only being stopped by the sand demon. When Shukaku tried to devour the blasted monk's soul, the monk would latch onto their host, making things difficult. What the Gogyou did, was separate the biju and monk in such a way that the latter had no way to access the host. With a wide, sinister grin on its face, the Shukaku finally got rid of that fucking crazy ass monk. When Gaara woke next, he would find communing with his biju much easier, his sand responding much better to his will, and even his biju in a much friendlier mood.

"Meh, it's not the Beat-A-Bitch stick, but the Smack-A-Hoe board'll do in a pinch." Naruto said. '_Right, do I need to __go help jiji?_'

"Nah, I told you I had that one covered." NB said, already inputting his invasion data. "Orochi will wish he had stayed and played nice."

'_Right then, how about a little fight soundtrack?_'

"Hehe, I got the perfect song." NB said, again inputting some data that I can't be bothered to translate.

"ALL ABOARD!" A voice suddenly echoed throughout the village, though oddly enough, only a few people could actually hear it. As the intro to the song began- which had a very familiar guitar riff- Naruto began drawing on the Kyuubi's chakra in what had to be the most epic looking vision ever (3)(4). Then, with a single motion of his right hand, he summoned over a thousand Kyuubi enhanced clones.

"Okay, the five hundred on the left, mass Henge into Voltron Naruto, and deal with that snake summon so we can free Ero-Sennin up for more important stuff." Naruto called. "The rest of you are with me."

**Omake**

Miles away in one of the many random Akatsuki bases, the members had all gathered for- of all things- a small get together in celebration of Kakuzu's 88th birthday. Sure they were S-rank criminals in an organization bent on world domination, but that didn't mean they didn't do normal stuff too, damn it. Anywho, they were just about to bring out the cake that Sasori- who happened to be pretty damn badass in the kitchen- had baked for the occasion, when something shocking happened.

Tobi, who was seated about midway down the table, picked up one of the cherry tomatoes from a platter. After the last reaction he'd had to his favorite food- which none of the other members would let him forget after he ruined Itachi's birthday party- he'd been very wary of the food. But it had been months since his last tomato, and he was starting to suffer from withdrawal symptoms. Snagging the smallest one, just to be on the safe side, he popped the small tomato into his mouth, and let out a satisfied groan as he savored the delicous delectability.

About four seconds after he'd swallowed, Tobi froze, burst into a sneezing fit, and started twitching, before collapsing face first into his thankfully empty plate. Seconds after that, he jumped out of his seat, hopped up onto the table, and tore his clothes away as if it was a hospital robe to reveal a sparkling red, strapless cocktail dress. Most of the group looked on in shock, waiting to see what would happen, with a few wondering why he was just standing there looking around. Next thing anyone knew, Tobi performed that annoying swirly jutsu of his, and a huge boombox appeared next to him; leaving many in the group to wonder where he'd gotten it, as they'd stopped making them decades ago. Leaning down, he pressed a button on the stereo, before standing back up, and striking a pose.

As the music started, Tobi began to speak. "Hi, I'm your weather girl, and have I got news for you. Get ready, all you lonely girls, and leave those umbrellas at home."

When the song actually came in, everyone was shocked at how good a singing voice Tobi actually had. Not only that, but he also seemed to be doing both parts of the duet seemlessly, and doing a damn fine job harmonizing, something that should have been impossible for the human voice to accomplish- though Itachi personally felt this validated his claims that Tobi was suffering from severe MPD. When it hit the solo for that verse, Tobi's vocal strength again surprised the group. And then it happened...the chorus.

"IT'S RAINING MEN! HALLELUJAH, IT'S RAINING MEN! AMEN!" As he continued singing, Tobi started dancing along with his performance.

'_Why do I get the feeling that Naruto had something to do with this?_' Itachi thought to himself, unable to take his eyes off the spectacle.

What made it even worse, was that in order to even see three feet in front of him, he was forced to keep his Sharingan active...meaning he would never be able to forget this disturbingly traumatic sight. Sure, he could have easily turned it off, but any chance he got to obtain something to torment Tobi with was to be taken. He really hoped that Konan could get away for the evening, because he desperately needed to be held. He was also fairly certain that if hadn't had the Mangekyo already, this would have certainly done the trick.

Several minutes later, after the song ended, and an embarrassed Tobi seemed to regain control of his faculties- then flee in embarrassment via his swirly teleport when he realised what he'd done- the group was left in stunned silence until...

"I give him a seven, un." Deidara said, breaking the silence that had been left in Tobi's wake.

"A seven?" His partner asked.

"Yeah," The blond said. "On the one hand, the performance was great, the chosen song was a classic no matter how you feel about it, and the dress was quite fitting for such a performance. On the other hand, the fact that it was a guy, wearing a dress that did him no favors made it completely disturbing. Not only that, but the fact that he was singing 'It's Raining Men', as well as the fact that the only girl in this entire organization is Konan, who was with Leader-sama before it was even created...forgive me if that rubs entirely me the wrong way."

"Point conceded." Sasori said, giving him a nod.

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1. www DOT manga2u DOT me / naruto / 317 / 29

2. T-boz in unpretty; youtube homepage, and at the end tac on either of the following endings: watch?v=GVDm_5c4aMA; watch?v=g2gy1Evb1Kg

3. same as above: watch?v=ZxlqZBBttxg; first :32, then back to :03, and repeat

4. bqpd DOT jw DOT lt / pic / naruto / 068 DOT jpg


	8. The Legends Begin

A/N: After looking at their stats, I've come to realise that there was no way Sasuke could have beaten Itachi under normal circumstances. If Itachi had actually killed the clan for the reason he said, and if he really intended to kill Sasuke, he would have. I don't think it would have been all that difficult for him to turn that sword he used on Orochimaru on Sasuke, and I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility for him to have killed him before then either.

Just so you know, I had Linkin Park's Faint on repeat while I wrote this chapter.

**Chapter Summary**: Sound and Sand Invade the Leaf...and that doesn't sound dirty at all!

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**Previously on Naruto: A Cliche Parody**

_Then, with a single motion of his right hand, he summoned over a thousand kyuubi enhanced clones._

_"Okay, the five hundred on the left, mass Henge into giant Naruto, and deal with that snake summon." Naruto called. "The rest of you are with me."_

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Naruto watched as the mass of Narutos- who were to form Voltron Uzumaki- ran up the arena walls, and spilled out of the stadium. It was too bad he couldn't find a way to reward them, as he noticed a few of them dispatching Sound, and incapacitating Sand, ninja as they exited. Once they were gone, Naruto turned to the rest, and began issuing orders.

"Okay, I need another 50 of you guys to separate from the group." They did. "You guys are going to stay here, and help clear the arena." He grinned as the ones that didn't volunteer groaned at not getting the good job. "Dismissed to begin Operation Kitsune Swarm."

"Sir, yes sir!" They all called, saluting, before jumping into battle.

"The rest of you guys, you're on evacuation duty. It may not be as glamorous as kicking Sound ass, but it's way more important. I want you to break into groups of ten. Three of you I want carrying the sleeping civilians. Then I want two of you providing protection detail for each of them. Finally, I want one taking point to keep an overall look out. Oh, and try to take the path of least resistence; no need to put the civilians in unnecessary danger. Once the arena is clear, I want your teams to start evacuating the ones in the village. After all civilians are secure, guard the monument."

"Enemy casualties?" A clone asked.

"I'd prefer to keep the Sand losses down unless you have no choice, meaning you're protecting someone." Naruto said. "If it has a musical note, though, practice extreme prejudice, so long as it doesn't place anyone on our side in danger, or leave a gap in our defenses should you get dispelled."

"What are you going to do boss?" A clone asked.

"I'm going to help whereever I'm needed." He said, before dismissing the group to their job. Glancing down at Gaara, he created another clone, and passed him off to it, before giving it a few instructions, and vanishing in a hail of fishcakes.

"Tch, such a waist of good toppings." The clone muttered, before heading into the temp hospital area with the sleeping Gaara.

When he arrived, he was surprised to find Haku pulling senbon needles out of Sasuke. Not only that, but the injuries he'd seemed to sustain during his match with Gaara were gone, and all of the other Konoha patients were fully healed, and seemed to be getting ready for a fight. Setting Gaara down on a nearby bed, he bent down, and removed the seal on Neji's ankle; just in case there was someone who knew what it was, and how to use it.

"I'm not going to try and tell you to stay out of this, but you _will_ all be careful, and you _will not_ place yourselves in unnecessary danger." He ordered, noticing that both Temari and Kankuro had been restrained. Oddly enough, he missed the looks everyone shared. The consensus, do what he said. "I'll give you two the same option I gave Gaara, you can be considered a threat, or you can take a nap while Konoha deals with things."

Kankuro sent a quick glance at his little brother, then gave a fake yawn. "I could certainly use a nap."

Temari just shrugged, and after an application of a sleep seal, the three were sealed into a medical stasis scroll to wait out the invasion, and the scroll given to Haku. That done, he headed back out into the battleground, followed by the other Konoha Genin. Sparing only a quick glance at the massive purple monolith, the clone jumped into the fray, hoping that jiji really would be okay like NB had told the boss.

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Inside the Topless Purple Box of Doom- And that was the last time Orochimaru would hold a raffle to let one of his minions name one of his techniques. I mean really, who cares about PR in a dictatorship where you're far and away stronger than the next strongest guy, and everyone is too afraid of you to revolt?- an epic battle had been taking place. As Orochimaru applied the control seals to the two former Hokage, he let loose a sinister chuckle- one that sounded like the perverted giggles of a pedophile.

"Hey!" Orochimaru yelled, somehow having heard the narration, and took great offense to the insinuations.

While he could admit that some of his actions were suspect, he wasn't gay at all, nor did he have any sexual interest in children. Like every other guy on the planet that had seen her as an adult, he'd had his fair share of naughty dreams and fantasies about his exceptionally busty former teammate. He'd also had quite a few about that scary as hell- obsessed with finding a husband- redhead that Kiri had chosen as the Mizukage. Though in truth, her appointment had been the reason he'd gone with Suna for help, rather than Kiri. Something about her just screamed stay away, much like Kushina Uzumaki had when he'd considered experimenting on her to learn more about her special chakra. He wouldn't be at all surprised if the Mizukage was Uzumaki somewhere up the line.

While Kumo and Iwa were likely more interested in revenge, Ei hated his former team with a passion, and his spies had found evidence that the boy he'd humbled decades ago was now fast enough to make good on the promise to 'fuck him up'. As for Oonoki...regardless of his personal feelings towards Konoha and the Yellow Flash, he still respected Sarutobi-sensei as a warrior too much to help; and was too prideful to go about doing it his way. Not to mention anyone good enough to keep his position at that age with bad hips would have definitely thrown off his plans if he'd tried what he'd done with the Kazekage. And he'd gotten things way off the point.

Anyway, Orochimaru knew that the application of his Curse Seal really worked against him- and if it hadn't been for Kabuto being such a good medic, he'd kill the brat for suggesting that he apply it that way- but he wasn't a seal master damn it, and he couldn't apply really complex seals using only his hand and chakra like sensei, Jiraiya, Minato, and blondie's psycho girlfriend could without using Sage Chakra. Not only that, but even using that, he wasn't good enough to gently place the seal, so would probably end up killing anyone he tried to apply it to from the force. Of course, defending his sexuality has also gotten us off topic. The point is that Orochimaru was applying the control seals to his to new tools.

As he ordered the two Hokage to attack, he relaxed to watch the destruction of his sensei. Barely two seconds after he'd done that, his eyes bulged nearly out of his skull, and his entire torso exploded in pain. Using the arm- that was connected to the fist buried in his stomach- he was doubled over as leverage to stand back up, he found himself staring into the angry glaring eyes of one of the strongest shinobi in history, and easily the baddest sumbitch of the Warring Clans Era. He just knew this was going to end badly. The pervading question in his head as the foot of the Nidaime came rocketing towards his head...

'_How the hell did this happen?_'

To answer that question, we'd have to go back in time three days. Three days prior found Orochimaru sitting in the hotel room he was using along with the Sound team whose sensei he was posing as. Kabuto had joined him, after using the guise of some random shinobi. Unfortunately, suspicions of the Hidden Sound's connections with Orochimaru had sent up red flags- okay, so an anonymous tip from Naruto to the intelligence division from Naruto got the ball rolling- and the group was being watched. In an odd bit of irony, the slippery Genin ended up helping Konoha root out a bunch of spies, as the guises that Kabuto was taking were spies from other villages. Once taken in for questioning, their duplicitous loyalties would find all but one executed.

Haku was not amused, and vowed to express her displeasure with the bastard using her form the first chance she got. As a matter of fact, the inhumane- and likely anatomically impossible- atrocities that Haku had muttered about committing had tears of happiness spilling from Ibiki's eyes, and found him filing a petition with the Hokage to take her as his apprentice. Unfortunately, those tears turned to sorrow when he was denied, as Haku really enjoyed working at the hospital with the children.

Anywho, at the moment, Orochimaru was staring at the Edo Tensei scrolls in silent contemplation, trying to make a very important decision. Finally, he gave it up as a lost cause.

"Kabuto, do you remember which scroll I used to make the Edo Tensei controls for sensei?" The Snake Sennin asked. "I need to copy the seals to the Shodai and Nidaime scrolls."

"You're a seal master, Orochimaru-sama, why would you need to copy them?" Kabuto questioned.

"That's where you're wrong, Kabuto-kun." Orochimaru revealed. "Jiraiya was the seal master of the team, Tsunade and I were merely highly proficient. For something this complex, I need my notes, which I seem to have misplaced as well. I need to figure out which of these two scrolls uses the mind control, and which one gives free will. My original plan was to use the Yondaime to destroy Konoha, but then last night I thought it might be fun to bring back Tobirama and Hashirama to help me kill sensei. Somehow it got mixed up with the free will scroll, and now I can't tell them apart."

"Forgive my misunderstanding, but why would you give them free will?" Kabuto asked.

"That one is for Tsunade." Orochimaru smirked. "I'm planning on offering her the chance to have her lover and brother back in exchange for healing Kimimaro. With their free will, they will be able to more easily express their disappointment in her for doing so. Entertainment in it's own right."

"Oh." Kabuto decided not to ask. His master had a very twisted sense of humor, and gained amusement from the oddest things. Well, it wasn't like he could really judge, since he did too.

Looking at the two scrolls, Kabuto noticed that one set seemed to have a much more complex seal array. He'd never seen the jutsu performed, nor had he really studied it in depth, but what he did know of the jutsu was that it brought the dead back under the summoner's control. It seemed that the logical course would be for the more complicated array to be the one Orochimaru-sama needed to give them free will, as there was a more open ended instruction being used to simulate their actual personalities.

"I'd guess the one on the right is the one you made for the Yondaime." Kabuto guessed. Sadly for Kabuto's deductive reasoning, it actually took a much more complex seal to make them mindless zombies. When someone was brought back with the Edo Tensei, they were already themselves, and you needed a stronger, more complicated array to wipe that away.

Back in the here and now, as Orochimaru ducked and dodged the attacks as much as he could, he could only be thankful to his sensei for destroying the Yondaime's coffin. If he would have had to fight the fastest unaugmented shinobi in history, on top of the Shodai and Nidaime, he was sure he'd have been dead already. As it was, he'd already taken a beating the likes of which he'd only ever seen Jiraiya take from a pissed off Tsunade after perving on her- and he was still jealous that that moron had actually seen Tsunade baring it all. And to make matters worse, it had only been forty-two seconds since he'd implanted the two command scrolls into the two deceased Hokage.

As his sensei slammed staff Enma into his torso again, Orochimaru knew there was no way this could get any worse. He was of course wrong. For in the next moment...

"Sennin Goroshi!" The Shodai yelled, right before two massive branches launched Orochimaru into the air.

...Orochimaru was seriously wishing that his sensei would have let the last coffin emerge. At least little Minato would have dealt with him swiftly, rather than torture him; or maybe not depending on how much his insane wife had influenced him.

"Ah, I so miss you, my dear Mito." Whispered nostalgically.

"Don't worry niisan, we shall honor her memory with the technique that she created." Tobirama told his brother. "Sennin Goroshi!"

Orochimaru screamed as two tentacles made of water launched him back into the air just as he was about to complete his descent from the first attack. This was followed by two made of mud from his formerly beloved sensei. And to think, despite his desire to kill the man and destroy his village, he'd still loved Sarutobi for all the years he'd been like a father to him. Now the old chimp could rot in an unmarked grave for all he cared.

Sarutobi smiled as he once again fought alongside his sensei. He'd sorely missed Tobirama-sensei, and had it not been for him needing to be strong as the Hokage, he wasn't sure he'd have been as strong for Koharu and Homura back then. Even a decade later when he'd married Biwako, he'd still not properly grieved, and it wasn't until he'd lost his eldest son alongside Nawaki that he'd taken the time to do so. At that moment, he only had two regrets about this sweet novelty. The first was that this fight was against one of his precious students; he'd had such high hopes for Orochimaru, after all. The second was that his teammates and Danzo weren't able to join in. They'd have sure enjoyed the chance to hang out with sensei again.

By the time the Sound Four would be able to help him escape, Orochimaru would have a crushed pelvis, and several broken and fractured bones, multiple contusions, severe internal injuries, and a minor concussion. As he was being carried away, Orochimaru silently cursed the two Hokages, his sensei, and the she-demon who'd created the technique the three Hokage had used to violate his rectum.

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Hinata Hyuuga frowned as she raced back out of the safehouse after delivering the old woman and two children- she'd picked up the extra two on her way to delivering the one she had. She really hoped that Shino-kun and Kiba-kun were okay after being left to fight that woman. She couldn't help remembering how they'd been separated.

It had started with her team escorting civilians, just like Genin were assigned to do during an invasion. They been escorting an elderly woman to the barracks- who'd thankfully been a former kunoichi, so while they couldn't roof hop, their pace had still been pretty quick- when they'd been intercepted by a Sound kunoichi. The woman who'd intercepted them had given off the aura of a Jounin, and a fairly strong one at that. Kiba had told her to go on ahead with the lady, and they would deal with the enemy.

She'd protested, and said they should fight together, but Shino had calmly told her that it would not be a good idea to fight with a potential hostage around, and it would be folly to send her off unprotected. Nodding her acceptance, she and the woman had gone ahead. She'd given the woman a kunai just in case, and was glad that she had. Just a few blocks away, they'd come upon a pair of children running out of an alleyway. She'd almost called out to them, before a Sand ninja followed them out, looking about to kill them. Showing that her skills hadn't gone completely away, the old woman and flipped the kunai, and sent it whizzing through the air, into the ninja's skull. Almost immediately after, she'd grabbed her wrist, and started groaning about her arthritis. It was an amusing sight to be sure, but it wasn't the time to be taking amusement in such. The two children had joined the group, and thankfully, they didn't encounter any more problems.

Speaking of her team, now that the package had been dropped off, she needed to find them again. She was alone for the moment, and that was not a state she wanted to be in for long. It wasn't safe for a Genin, especially a Genin kunoichi, to be out alone during such a dangerous time. If she were to be attacked, she could be hurt, kidnapped, or worse, and no one would notice in the chaos. No one would be able to hear her scream over the sound of fighting, and...she _really_ needed to find her team again before she drove herself crazy with what ifs.

Almost as if to prove her earlier point, a figure dropped down in front of her. Activating her Byakugan, she could tell this guy was way out of her league, and that she would probably suffer a horrible fate at his hands, but she wasn't about to go down without a fight.

"What do we have here, a pretty little Hyuuga." The man said leering. "I think I'll take you home with me once we're done here."

Any thoughts of resisting fled from Hinata in the face of horror. She'd heard the stories in kunoichi classes, she'd even been given the talk and specific training for it by Kurenai-sensei, but coming face to face with the real possibility was completely different than anything she'd ever imagined, and was almost as bad as the nightmares she'd had about suffering this fate the night she'd first had the lesson. Just as she thought her life was about to be destroyed, a chakra claw came from a nearby alley, grabbed the man around the middle, and pushed him into a nearby wall. Turning, she found Naruto standing there, and almost swooned.

The look of complete determination, combined with the light kyuubi cloak, the look of anger on her behalf, and the wild, primal aura he was giving off almost sent the girl careening into the more hormonally charged stages of her pubescence. This was always the boy she pictured when she thought of 'Naruto-sama', and seeing it in person was giving her stomach butterflies. Shaking her head, and clearing her mind of thoughts that had no place in her current situation, Hinata focused on the happiness she felt at seeing her boyfriend.

Relief flooded her from the fact that he'd saved her, filling her with both joy and dread. Joy because she'd been spared a fate worse than death, and despair that she'd needed to be saved. The thought that even Naruto might be outmatched never crossed her mind, because really, if you'd seen what she did, you'd have thought he could kick anyone's ass. While she wanted to go to him, and hug him in thanks, she knew that the fox's chakra was toxic. She also didn't want to distract him from the man who seemed to be recovering from Naruto-kun's initial attack. Turning back to the man, she slipped into the Juuken Ryuu stance, determined to help Naruto in anyway she could. Fortunately he had things well in hand.

"Stay away from my Hinata-chan!" Naruto growled, before racing through a set of seals she wasn't familiar with, while putting an unnecessarily large amount of chakra into the attack. It was that day, that Hinata got her first glimpse of the most frighteningly menacing, and third most devastatingly powerful jutsu in Naruto's arsenal. "Rectal Prolapse no Jutsu!"

Naruto wouldn't know it, but the man would be found dead after the invasion from dehydration...and bloodloss from rectum detachment.

After pointing her in the direction he'd last seen Kiba and Shino in, Naruto hopped away to other places, leaving a clone behind to keep an eye on her if needed. Hinata again sighed in relief at the appearance of her boy- she couldn't say her man yet, because they were still technically children developmentally- but seconds later, almost fell into a funk. Regardless of the improvements she'd made, Neji had been right about her still being weak. Just as she was about to fall into a full on depression, she felt a slight, dull throb come from her lower back.

It was at that point that she remembered the training seal that Naruto had lovingly placed on her. She had forgotten she'd been wearing the seal, and that it was still active. Releasing the seal, she could feel all of the blocks on her cascade away as the seal released her full chakra and physical capability. She could almost feel the difference after releasing the seal, even if it wasn't very much or very obvious. It was enough though, that she noticed the subtle difference. She felt stronger, lighter, and much more energetic than she had just moments before.

Now she understood what Naruto-kun and Haku-nee had been telling her all along. She wasn't a weakling, and really, she should have realized it sooner. Naruto wouldn't have chosen her to be one of his future wives if she was weak. She remembered that Naruto had claimed her before she'd decided she wouldn't be afraid anymore; and hadn't tossed her aside even when he'd also gained a very beautiful girl like Haku as a future bride. She remembered how she had shown her cousin Neji that she wasn't the same girl he'd thought she was; how she'd made both the clan and her father acknowledge and proud of her.

With her confidence rising, Hinata decided that she wanted to shrug off all of that insecurity; even the last dreggs that seemed to pop up in situations like this. She was going to change for the better, to be worthy of having Naruto as her husband someday, and Haku as her aneki. With a new determined outlook, she activated her Byakugan, just in time to see someone sneaking up on her. With a fluid spin in place, ending with her back foot set in the stance, Hinata broke the man's guard, and for the first time in her life, landed the Eight Trigrams 64 Palms. Brimming with new confidence in herself, she stood a little straighter, and went back to doing her job.

Atop a building, the clone that Naruto had left behind watched as Hinata lit that bastard up with that damn painful 64 palms technique; although she could only get up to 32. The clone- who'd been assigned to keep an eye on her, and keep her safe- took stock of the surrroundings, and spotted the Sound-nin before Hinata had. The man was likely a rookie Chuunin, nothing Hinata couldn't handle herself. As he watched Hinata fight the man- ready to Kawarimi into her place if needed- he couldn't help admiring how amazing and graceful Hinata looked and fought when she was confident in herself.

While the man seemed to specialize in Taijutsu himself, and also seemed to be giving Hinata some trouble, the debilitating Juuken strikes were having an obvious effect on the man. That he was quite obviously using chakra to enhance his Taijutsu strength and speed meant that very soon, the fight would be totally in Hinata's favor. Just as the fight began to tilt in her faver just as he predicted, the clone felt several other signatures approaching. Knowing that as a clone he couldn't tackle that many alone, he made a clone of himself, and sent it to find some help. As the clone left, he made a couple seals, and felt his chakra shift. He was so glad that boss had figured out a way for his ordinary Shadow Clones to turn themselves into Exploding Ones.

Luckily, the clone didn't have to go far before it found Gai's team plus Fem!Gaara. It didn't take much to recruit them, especially when Neji heard that it was his cousin in danger. She had a lot to atone for in regards to his cousin, and she wasn't about to allow some Sound nin to prevent that from happening. Upon arriving and assessing the situation, each member of Team Gai plus one targeted an enemy; minus Neji, who'd dropped to the ground, and darted towards her cousin. She wasn't worried about the last nin, as the clone- and she could only tell by the really weird way its chakra was flowing- had targeted the last one.

Hinata battled the Sound nin- who seemed to be highly proficient in taijutsu, and therefore required all of her concentration- giving her all to defeat him. The opponent was faster and stronger than her, but she'd faced faster opponents in Neji and Haku before, and her training- read borderline abuse- with Naruto had certainly toughened her up. As the fight wore on though, she noticed that he was slowing down, and that the strikes that got through weren't nearly as painful as they'd been before. Whatever he'd been doing at the beginning, her Juuken was certainly having an effect on his fighting ability. Time to buckle down, and finish him off.

Because she couldn't take her focus off of her opponent, she missed the four enemy nin travelling the rooftops who'd stopped, and decided that losing one of their own was worth the price of taking out a Konoha nin. Hinata had just finished the Sound ninja off- feeling quite proud of her accomplishment- when she heard the whistle of the projectiles. With her Byakugan now able to focus on something other than the man's tenketsu, she could see them coming, and knew she wouldn't be able to dodge, or get a proper defense up in time. It was times like this that she wished she'd had her cousin's speed. Hinata collapsed to her knees, and balled up while covering her head, hoping to minimize the damage, but with the number of projectiles, she doubted she'd have much success. She was sad that she wouldn't be with Naruto-kun forever like she wanted, but at least she'd have the time she'd had with him.

The Sound nin- uncaring of their comrade who'd just died at the hands of this little girl- watched with glee as the swarm of kunai and shuriken rained down on her, before she was suddenly surrounded by a massive swirling dome that knocked the projectiles away. When the dome of chakra disappeared, there was another female Hyuuga standing next to the girl who looked to be related to her; one that Hinata recognized as her cousin Neji, still in Oiroke form. The furious invaders all glared in fury, and prepared to attack the two brats, but would never get the chance.

In their distraction at the sudden appearance of the dome- and their anger at the girl who'd created it- they missed the other brats that had targeted them. One of the four nin who'd attacked Hinata was pelted with dozens of senbon by the bun haired kunoichi standing across the street until the side of her head resembled little more than a pin cushion. It was a senbon to the temple that finished her off; the lessons with Naruto's elder girlfriend having payed off major dividends. The eyes of the kunoichi who'd thrown the needles were also unknowingly glowing silver. One of the others found himself swallowed up by sand, and was dead by smush moments later. Another was tackled to the ground by a blond that promptly exploded, and the last was nearly decapitated by a roundhouse from a spandex clad Genin. While he didn't lose his head, the Sound-nin- if he survived- would suffer from a case of cooked noodle neck for the rest of his life.

"Come Hinata-sama, we cannot remain idle." Neji said, as she gave her cousin a hand up. As she allowed herself to be pulled to her feet, Hinata's determination returned full force. The legend of the Byakko Youma (1) began.

Hinata would be reunited with her teammates a bit later, just before the counter-attack alarm went off. The exhausted pair would arrive, and head on to the monument a little worse for wear, but victorious. That kunoichi had been one tough cookie, and it certainly didn't help matters when Kiba's Gatsuuga shredded her top, leaving her generous assets to bounce around, often distracting the boy with canine instincts as she moved.

888

It was also around this time that the 500 clones slated to deal with the huge summon were called into action. The massive snake summoned by the forces outside the village- who were just itching to follow the snake in, and help deal the final blow to the Leaf- had finally reached, and tried to breach the village walls. While sturdy, they wouldn't hold up to the damage a summon that massive could cause for very long. Swarming from their hiding places like a mass of blond cockroaches, the group assembled, and began forming up, similar to how the dove feathers of the boss had done in his epically awesome Chuunin Exam Final entrance. Once they'd formed the towering mass of bodies shaped like their creator, the groups of sixty-three that made up the arms formed the seal to perform Naruto's not-Henge.

To the shock of many, and the absolute horror of others, those in a position to had all seen the swarm of Narutos coming out of their hiding places. It had been hard to miss when they'd been assembling, even moreso when the structure began to tower over the village. When it made an unknown seal, they'd been confused...at least until the massive poof of smoke that appeared in the village blew away to reveal a giant Naruto. The massive form cast a shadow over much of the village, pausing numerous battles as they all stared to see what the immensely huge blond would do. To their shock, and actual relief for the ninja that seemed to be in line to have to deal with it, the giant Naruto went straight after the huge snake.

Anko, who'd been helping her yummy 'Ruka-kun protect and evacuate the little ankle biters to the monument couldn't help staring at the massive Naruto, and giggling. "Hehe, given the rumors of how big his dick is normally, it kind of makes you wonder how huge it is now."

Staring up at the giant form of his boss, Konohamaru couldn't help turning to Hanabi, and giving her an 'I told you so' look, before saying. "I told you that boss was awesome."

Staring at the giant form, Hanabi couldn't help but slightly agree, and now she was starting to understand what Hinata had been talking about. What happened next would completely remove the slightly. The entire audience watched as Naruto placed his hand palm up, wondering what he was going to do next. To their shock, he began gathering chakra into his palm. Those that knew what the technique was were shocked beyond belief, that a child his age couldn't possibly know, and be able to use the Rasengan.

Naruto held his hand palm up, gathering the needed chakra for the Rasengan. Much like in his last life, he still seemed incapable of fully creating the jutsu with one hand. Even if he still couldn't do it with just one hand yet, that didn't mean he didn't have alternatives. He was now to the point that he didn't need a clone to help him create it, but damn he wanted to be able to do that like Ero-Sennin did. Placing his other hand slightly above the swirling ball, he used his left hand to create the stabalizing shell of the jutsu.

"Hey you three headed garter snake, try this on for size." Naruto called, holding the newly formed Rasengan in his hand. "Rasengan Bitch Slap no Jutsu!"

The entirety of human life currently occupying the village watched in shock, awe, and shocked awe, as the blond appeared right in front of the snake, and swung his arm in an arc, smacking the first head. Said head then followed the arc of the swing, colliding with the second and third heads, before all three disappeared in an explosion of chakra, and the entire snake disappeared in a huge puff of smoke. They were then treated to the crazed Uzumaki grin as the massive being released the not-Henge, and the numerous clones began to disassemble, before flooding over the village walls to have a go at the ninja that had been waiting outside for the snake to create them an entrance. Between Jiraiya, a few Anbu, and 500 Naruto clones, they never stood a chance.

Between that, and Naruto racing through the village- two clones popping out of his back like the little furries popped off gizmo when he got wet in gremlins any time he saw konoha nin needing help- the legend of the Mugen Kitsune (2) began.

The destruction of the snake also served another purpose. Seeing one of their weapons destroyed- and the fact that the other one had been taken out before the batter truly got going- the invading forces were beginning to lose morale. The Konoha forces however- who were still unaware that Gaara was supposed to take part- having seen one of their own take out the massive summon in near epic fashion began to gain even more strength of will to keep going.

888

While Naruto and Hinata were helping defend the village elsewhere, Haku had been helping in her own way. Along with her father Zabuza, Haku had begun the the invasion by leaving the arena, and heading to help defend the hospital from the attacks focused there. Once the attackers had been repelled, she helped the staff evacuate the patients to the Hokage Monument. Once the last patient had gone through the path, she'd turned to face the entrance to the single path that led behind the Hokage Tower to the monument.

Haku had been a tool of Zabuza, and an effective one at that, and knew all about giving ones life to protect what was important to them. She'd spent the majority of her life being trained by Zabuza, and using her skills to protect him. Now that she had a home, she now had something very important worth protecting, and she would not let it be taken away from her. With that small fountain pool next to Hokage Tower, she was a force to be reckoned with.

Zabuza had taken to the roofs to keep enemy nin from coming that way, and the enemy never stood a chance. While they were never in danger of being overrun, even with the water source, it was still a drain on the chakra. Eventually the pair were joined by Hinata and Team Gai, along with fem!Gaara, helping to lessen the load, and the drain on them. Oddly enough, as soon as the group arrived, a swarm of Oto and Sand nin descended upon the area. With a fierce glare on her face, Haku ran through as set of seals for a jutsu she'd found in the Uzumaki family scroll. As a future Uzumaki, and having the requisite elemental affinity, Haku had felt almost compelled to learn it.

"Water Protologist no Jutsu!" She cried out, after completing the last seal.

Several screams could be heard as several fists made of water went on the attack, violating people in ways that are too graphic for this site's M rating. That the hands tended to freeze once they were wrist deep, and shatter only added to their suffering. Above her, the young woman's father just stared in fright.

'_Great, that gaki is starting to rub off on my sweet little girl._' He thought, moments before decapitating several ninja who'd tried to sneak up behind his precious daughter. '_Damn Uzumaki! I went from Demon of the Mist, to doting, devoted father in seven months. I'm beginning to understand why people thought they were a big enough threat to face genocidal removal._'

As she helped her father defend the passage, the legend of the Konoha's Yuki-Onna (3) began.

888

Sakura, during the invasion, had a bit of a rude awakening, one that completely and utterly destroyed what was left of her fangirldom. Because Gaara had been dealt with less than five minutes into the invasion, she wouldn't spend the entire time unconscios after being knocked out by Gaara. Sakura would be able to make an impact in the name of her village...matter of fact, repeated, exceptionally painful impacts.

Sakura's story during the invasion was one of action, excitement, suspense, terror, and revenge. It was the tale of a young girl, coming into her own as a stand up kunoichi of her village. It was the tale of Sakura's first steps in truly realising her potential, one that proved to her that she wasn't just the useless eye candy of her team as she'd been called by that blonde bitch from Suna during that month wait.

Having read and memorized the shinobi handbook, Sakura knew the protocols for an invasion like she knew Naruto was a sadistic- yet productive- taskmaster of a teacher. As is expected of Genin, upon releasing the Genjutsu- as well as her training seal- Sakura immediate left the arena to help escort the civilians to the safe houses inside the Hokage Monument. On her seventh trip out to find any stragglers in the restaurant district, she'd slipped into what appeared to be an abandoned restaurant.

While she was looking in the closed off kitchen to see if there were any people still hiding, she was suddenly attacked from behind by a massive, brutish man who was easily a match for Chouji's dad in size and strength. Unlike the plump man who was quite the kind, jovial soul- at least until he got serious- this man was all muscle. If it weren't for the Sound Headband, and the disturbingly psychotic leer in the man's eyes, she might have blushed at the extremely well developed physique the bare chested man displayed. Upon seeing the fear in her eyes, and the way they glanced down at his crotch, he knew what she was thinking. She was thinking of all of the bad things that could happen to overpowered, defeated kunoichi, so he better not disappoint her.

"You know, our master told us that if we found something that we'd like to take as our spoils once we destroyed this place, we were more than welcome to it." He started, unfastening his pants. "I'd already found this blue haired Hyuuga girl I thought might make a good plaything, but a buddy of mine beat me to her. Then when this blond kid appeared, prolapsed his rectum, and said to stay away from _his_ Hinata-chan, I figured I'd find something else to take home with me. While I'm sure I'd have greatly enjoyed her company, something about that blond kid made me wary, and I've learned that you stay away from anyone giving off Uzumaki vibes. You're quite pretty, so I think that I've found what I want. Matter of fact, I think I'll have a little taste of my spoils right now."

It was times like this that Sakura wished she was Naruto's girlfriend. Sure, it might be embarrassing to be rescued, but the simple fact was that she knew she would be. Naruto tended to know when his loves were in trouble, and seemed to suddenly appear as if summoned when they were. And when he showed up, bad things happened to the cause of it, even if it was just a coffee table that she'd stubbed her toe on. She still couldn't believe he'd Rasengan'd Hiashi Hyuuga's table because Hinata had stubbed her toe on it.

And with that, the huge brute pulled himself out the top of his underpants waistband. Sakura's eyes widened at the sight of the man's genitals, and a feeling of absolute terror and dread filled her. Sure, a guy with a big penis was something most girls wished for, but the thing pointed at her was as long and thick as her forearm; and considering she was no longer pencil thin, the thought was horrifying. Having something like that brutally shoved into her- and she had no doubts that he would be far from gentle just for the sake of being so- would be an agony that went above and beyond natural. Not only that, but the amount of physical damage her body would likely receive from having that crammed into her would be massive.

But what could she really do to prevent it and save herself besides a likely futile attempt at resisting his forced advances? Sakura took a moment to consider everything in her- admittedly miniscule- shinobi arsenal that she could use against him, and came up with very little. The man was obviously way beyond Genin level, and even if he wasn't, he was still far stronger than her physically- as evidenced by that first blow that still hurt like the aftermath of that first beating she took from Naruto- so the difference in the effects their blows would have would be fairly great. She only had two jutsu that she had the reserves for, and the Genjutsu required her to know something about her opponent to be effective.

There was of course the jutsu she'd learned from Xeno, however, given their difference in size, and in their strength levels, she doubted her jutsu would do much. Not only that, but it was a prank jutsu, and using such a jutsu in such a dangerous situation was likely a foolish endeavor that would only serve to make him desire to hurt her more when he finally took her. Still, it was her only option, and she wasn't about to just sit there, and let him take her without at least trying to defend herself.

Rapidly making a set of seals that ended in the tori (4) seal, she watched in shock, and with some hope as the man sank into the ground. Of course, she'd been correct in their strength difference playing a part in the success of the jutsu. Even as he was sinking, the man was already struggling to escape, and making a good go of it. As a matter of fact, as soon as the ground hardened around his calves, she could already see the spidering cracks that said he wouldn't be held for very long. And if that wasn't bad enough, what he said next filled her with a terror she hadn't ever felt before.

"You know, I was going to try and be gentle since I'm sure it's your first time." He growled. "But now I'm going to make it hurt as much as I can. You might not even survive."

Fear welling up in her, and stinging tears threatening to spill from her eyes, Sakura performed the last seal of the jutsu, and prayed to Kami that it worked. To her further horror, his right foot had broken free, and he'd taken a step towards her, pulling his other foot free as well. What happened next is too horrifying to show.

Now, given the author's opinion of rape and rapists, it was a fairly safe bet that he wouldn't have allowed Sakura to suffer that way; even if he had little to no respect for pre-timeskip Sakura. Not only that, but there was nothing in the plot- now or later- that would be served better by having her raped. Since she'd already had an acceptable wake up call regarding her faults as a kunoichi, so there was no point to it. That being said, even cliche parodies need to have at least some measure of suspense at some point, and you can't have everything go good all the time. That also being said, Sakura had never been raped, was not raped, and would not at any point in this fic be raped. That's not to say there hadn't been rape in this world, nor that there wouldn't be some, even if it was only a technicality, as would be seen momentarily.

Now while Sakura wouldn't be, the guy who had tried to violate her, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky. He would soon be getting a taste of what he'd done to nearly thirty poor kunoichi from different countries over the course of his shinobi and Nuke-nin career. Within seconds of her completing the last seal, a large column of hardended earth thick as her waist shot up between the man's legs, and hit home; finding purchase in a place most heterosexual males protected like their own children.

Upon seeing that the jutsu most definitely had an effect on him, she let loose all of the rage and fear she'd felt into her jutsu, tears streaming from her eyes as she cried out the near brutal loss of her innocence. At that moment, Sakura made her first kill, doing to him what he'd been threatening to do to her. There was screaming, and blood, and a long list of things that would make you shudder by the time she calmed down.

Once she'd cried herself out, and calmed down, Sakura centered herself, and left the small stand. As she continued her duty of helping get any straggling civilians to safety, she made it a point to spread her anger amongst others with musical notes on their headbands when she encountered them. And thus the legend of the Pink Destroyer (5) began.

888

Seeing his former student make his escape with his four guards- as his sensei and the Shodai dissolved- Sarutobi turned to the Anbu that were standing there.

"Report!" He ordered.

"All civilians are safe inside the monument." The Anbu reported. "Counter-attack is ready to commence."

"Signal the counter-attack, and get these invaders out of my village." Sarutobi ordered, launching his Enma staff like a spear at a Konoha Anbu standing next to a Suna shinobi as if they were comrades. Between the strength of the Hokage, and the sturdiness of the staff, it struck with enough force to liquify the man's ribcage, while slamming him through a section of the arena wall. With a nod, the group dispersed to relay the order to the proper channels.

It was about three minutes later, as Sarutobi sat down in what had formerly been the Hokage's box- the seats somehow still intact after everything- that the alarm signalling the counter-attack sounded. Feel free to feel sorry for the enemy ninja if you like, because they got no mercy.

888

Speaking of the old timers that were Sarutobi's shinobi peers...

While Sarutobi was waxing poetic about how he wished his teammates and rival had been there to join him, the three elders had been in another part of the village...more specifically, they were holed up in the Hokage Monument with the other villagers that had already been evacuated. They'd seen numerous teams of Naruto's shadow clones bringing civilians to the monument, and when Danzo had stopped a team and questioned them, they'd been impressed with the instructions the clones had been given.

Ironically enough, it wasn't where they wanted to be. While civilians were being brought to the hiding place, they'd been content to sit there, waiting, comforting- well, Koharu and Homura anyway- and helping them get settled in the barracks. When Iruka and several Academy instructors arrived to take over the duty, well, they were a lot less content.

"You know Hiruzen is out there fighting." Danzo intoned. "Why are we holed up in here?"

"Because the Council of Advisors needs to survive in case the Hokage falls in battle." Koharu replied mechanically.

"You don't honestly believe that, do you?" The one eyed man replied. All was silent for several moments as the three contemplated that. It was in this silence that Danzo thought back to one of the worst days of his life.

_**Back Flashy Thing**_

_"We're surrounded...there's twenty of them...Kumo Master Bounty hunters."_

_"...someone will have to lure them away..."_

_"...a decoy...whoever it is won't survive..."_

_"I'll do it...take care of the others, Danzo..."_

_"I will be the decoy...one day the time will come...Saru...tomorrow, you will be Hokage...!_

_**End Back Flashy Thing**_

Finally, Danzo let out a sigh, before climbing to his feet. He wasn't about to do this again. "This is just like when Hiruzen was named the Sandaime. I knew what needed to be done, and was willing and prepared to make the sacrifice, but while I was talking myself into it, Hiruzen spoke up before I could. That day has always eaten at me, and was the reason I was so bitter towards him. Now, fifty years later, the only thing that has changed is the battle we're fighting, and this time even more is at stake. I am not going to sit on the sidelines again, while Hiruzen risks his life for the village."

Sparing a single glance at each other, the other two elders climbed to their feet. "Let's go." Koharu said.

Given how much Tobirama and his Uchiha bootycall's teams trained and worked together on missions, it should be no surprise that the two teams could be intermixed as needed. Therefore, it should be no surprise that when Danzo, Koharu, and Homura stepped out of the protection of the monument, and joined the battle, they worked near flawlessly; Danzo easily taking point at the heavy infantry position Sarutobi usually took, while they provided support and protection. With the three guarding the monument- although a couple of teams of Naruto clones did go inside just incase some enemy got past the elder shinobi, and one insisted on staying to support them just in case- the majority of the clones were free to rejoin the fighting.

By the time the signal for the counter-attack went up, the trio had shown that there was a very good reason why Jounin ranked shinobi who reached their age did so. Naruto was shocked, though he knew he shouldn't have been, at how badass the three elders were. The pile of bodies that got hauled away once the invasion was over, was impressive. Upon realizing that he probably wouldn't be needed the clone watching the three elder ninja began taking extensive notes.

It was ironic in a way. While Team Gai, Fem!Gaara, Hinata, Haku, and Zabuza were protecting the path that led to the monument, the Sound and Sand nin that got stopped or repelled by the group were the lucky ones. For the ones that got past them, they were met by three very old school shinobi...and in Konoha, old school meant ninja who'd been around, had frequently worked with, and even picked up a few tricks from the Senju, Uchiha, and Uzumaki when they were at their prime.

888

For Sasuke, it had been a very difficult seven months. First, learning that he'd been on a team with the dead last and a useless fangirl, he'd thought he was just going to be held back by a bunch of dead weight. First there was Naruto, who'd been at the bottom of the class, and completely incapable of doing even the simplest tasks without great difficulty. Not only that, but he was a goof off, and thought that foolish pranks were something that a ninja should be engaging in. Of course, he'd since been disabused of that notion, when he'd seen how Naruto's talent for pranking translated to trap making.

And the less said about Sakura, the better. While the girl was no doubt the smartest in the class- aside from Shikamaru, who was a Nara- she was still completely unsuited to being a shinobi. She was far too focused with the civilian concerns of girls her age, and not nearly focused enough on becoming a good kunoichi. Even if it was commonly accepted that kunoichi weren't as physically strong as their male counterparts, girls like her and Ino took it way too far. Seriously, what kind of kunoichi- intelligent ones, who were serious about the job- dieted to keep her figure. That timid Hyuuga girl- who didn't like hurting people- in their class was more suited to being a ninja. She was a pathetic excuse for a kunoichi, an embarrassment to the idea of female ninja, and an insult to the ones who took the job seriously; most specifically his deceased mother.

Of course, these opinions of his teammates had changed quickly- well, Naruto, anyway, Sakura took awhile- starting with the revelation that Naruto not only knew an advanced clone technique meant for Jounin, but that he was highly proficient in fuinjutsu. During their first mission, Naruto had proved himself to be far more capable than he'd been given credit for. Not only had he dealt with the enemy shinobi they'd had trying to sabatage their mission, but he'd gotten a girlfriend with a bloodline out of the deal, and gained the village two very strong shinobi. Then came the Chuunin exams, where everything he'd ever thought he'd known about his teammate had been thrown under a boss summon. Not only had he defeated both Kiba and Neji handily, but he'd also held his own against Orochimaru of the Sannin- even if they, as a group, weren't being taken seriously.

Then to top all of that off, during the month long wait, not only had he gotten even better, but he'd also helped Sakura improve to a level that was bordering on impressive. But it didn't end there. No, he'd also learned that all of those silly prank jutsu that Naruto thought were funny, could actually be devastatingly powerful when used correctly. Now, they were facing an invasion from enemy ninja, and again Naruto was proving that he'd been grossly underestimated. He had hundreds of clones fighting, and helping evacuate the villagers to the safe houses, and he'd even defeated that giant three headed snake summon. But that wasn't the thing that stuck out the most. Not, what stuck out the most was what had just happened recently, proving that if he didn't get his act together, Naruto was going to leave him behind.

He'd just finished helping evacuate an old couple to the monument, when the alarm signalling the counter-attack blared. Now, he could do his own part, and prove that the Uchiha- even down to one member- were still a force in Konoha to be reckoned with. Of course, that plan had almost gone down the drain when he'd happened upon Naruto surrounded by several Suna ninja, who looked ready to do him some serious harm. His plan had been to jump in, and save the blond, throwing his own words from the forest back at him- only he'd have taunted him about Haku and Hinata- but that had been almost immediately dashed. Naruto had gone through a very familiar and traumatic set of hand seals, and suddenly half a dozen ninja were flying through the air with shit streaks trailing behind them.

Without warning, his first encounter, his first horrific encounter with the jutsu had come crashing back, and he'd almost fainted. Those precious few seconds of weakness from a near mental breakdown nearly cost him his life. As a Sand ninja- who'd stumbled upon the situation, and decided to take a measure of revenge for the death of his grandfather by an Uchiha in the Second Shinobi World War- charged him, he realized that it was too late to dodge. Determined to face his death, rather than close his eyes and wait for it, he was witness to a most interesting sight. When the kunai that would spell his end was only a meter away, a blond topped streak blew past him, right into the man. He couldn't see what was in Naruto's hand, but he did see the results of whatever Naruto did to him.

The man's eyes bugged out before he was violently thrown backwards, spinning like one of those knife thrower assistants strapped to the wheel at the festivals he'd visited with his mother. Not only that, but when the man crashed into the side of a building, and fell face first into the ground, Sasuke could see that his back was blown completely open. He was distracted from his analysis of the- obviously dead- enemy, when a taunting voice called to him.

"This is the third time I've saved your ass, Sasuke. Get your shit together, or your fangirls really will discard you for me." Without another word, Naruto ran off again. Sasuke decided then and there that he wasn't going to let Naruto take all the glory. With that in mind, he dashed off to help drive the invaders away elsewhere.

Little did the pair know, but someone else had witnessed the rescue, and couldn't help but draw parallels to another blond he'd seen do something very similar. This person was the third member of the Hokage's personal guard- well, when the Anbu weren't assigned to his aid. He hadn't seen what happened before, but he'd exited the alley he'd been cutting through in time to see Naruto flashing past his teammate, him slamming what was obviously a Rasengan into that Sand ninja's torso, and the enemy nin flying back with a hole in his chest. While this flash happened to be red, rather than the customary yellow- and it wasn't nearly as fast- it was close enough.

As he continued on to his assigned destination- the roof where the Hokage was leading his troops from- he made a note to himself to get in touch with Genma and Raido later. It was time to talk to the Hokage about allowing them to teach Naruto his father's jutsu.

Several minutes later found the last loyal Uchiha- as far as anyone but the elders and Hokage knew- doing battle with a Chuunin from Sound. While Sasuke was skilled enough to hold his own against the man, even possibly good enough to beat him, the Katon jutsu that he was using didn't seem to be having much effect on his opponent. As it would happen, a stray Naruto clone was passing by, and saw that Sasuke's attack wasn't being very effective. With a borderline wicked grin, the Shadow Clone created another clone, which just so happened to be of the exploding variety. The exploding clone- which appeared a few feet in front of the first clone- found itself used as a springboard.

Having launched itself into the air, the cloned Naruto ran through a set of seals, adding a Reppusho to enhance Sasuke's jutsu. Meanwhile, the exploding clone ran up and along a wall nearby, before jumping in front of the combined wind-fire attack, getting itself destroyed, and exploding right in front of the enemy. It was seeing the resulting explosion created from his combined attack that finally brought home the message that Kakashi had been trying to teach them about teamwork. If you had the right team, and could work together, the devastation that you were capable of would be much greater than anyone could produce alone. That still didn't mean he wasn't annoyed that Naruto was stronger than him, it just meant that he'd put that aside occasionally for the sake of blowing shit up.

Two legends began that day. The legend of Konoha Ryuu (6), as well as the legend of the Demolition Duo.

Once his chakra got below the level that allowed him to use the Goukakyuu and Ryuuka- as ironically enough, fire wasn't his primary affinity, despite being an Uchiha- Sasuke began using the jutsu that were more along his affinities lines. Since he couldn't use the Chidori due to lack of chakra, he was forced to use the other lightening based jutsu in his arsenal: the Static Fart. Upon unleashing the jutsu on someone for the first time, Sasuke found himself utterly shocked at how surprisingly devastating the jutsu really is. Even the bastard's friends- he'd been surrounded, after all- hesitated to attack him, and he relished the feeling of fear the enemy showed him as he went Static Fart apeshit on the invaders.

Oddly enough, there weren't any legends dealing with the use of that jutsu. After all, much like the Rectal Prolapse, very few people wanted to remember that, most especially the ones who fell victim to it; even if it did earn him a reputation of being a disturbedly tainted, Uzumaki apprentice.

888

A couple hundred miles away in Kirigakure, a pair of eyes snapped open. The pair of eyes belonged to Izuna Takeda, who was currently laying beneath his incredibly hot, softly dozing wife. He couldn't believe how insistent she was on conceiving a child, but he wasn't about to protest all of the effort she was inisting they put into doing so. He did wonder though, if it was appropriate for them to be doing so on the couch in her office while she was supposed to be in a meeting with the village's shinobi council. But that was neither here nor there, and he was too afraid to ask.

What he was really wondering about, was the feeling that had awaken him. Looking up at the ceiling of the office, he couldn't help but feel a great since of pride that had nothing to do with having just put the Mizukage into a sex-induced sleep. It was the feeling one got when ones students not only made you proud, but made you look really good as a teacher when they did it. He didn't know what was going on in Konoha, but he somehow knew that Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke were doing something that would be talked about for a good long while.

888

It was also about this time, that the counter-attack efforts of the other Konoha shinobi started becoming more frequent. With both the leaders for the invaders' side dead/defeated, it was a rather one-sided affair due to lack of leadership, and a powerful leader to rally behind.

In an unfrequented section of the village, a group of Sand ninja had surrounded two retired shinobi. As the group attacked, the two men- who were standing several meters from each other- spared one small glance to each other, before both began emitting chakra from their bodies as they went into twin rapid spins. The attackers were flung away from the two men viciously; many of them landing at awkward angles that would see them incapable of getting back up. As the two men ended their spins, a closer look would show that both had bulging veins surrounding their blank eyes.

"Hyuuga is the strongest clan in Konoha-" The elder brother spoke.

"-do not forget that." The younger brother finished.

Yeah, that was so a rehearsed speech. On a side note, had anyone seen the sight from above, they'd have been amused to find that the two spiraling domes spinning next to each other as they were, looked like a pair of full, round, perky boobs.

888

In another part of the village near the public park, a man- who was already a fairly hefty fellow- ran through a set of handseals.

With a cry of, "Baika no Jutsu!", he swelled until he was even larger than the massive blond that had Rasengan bitch slapped the three headed snake. With a massive hand, he flattened two entire squads of enemy shinobi. With a sheepish grin of embarrassment, he set his huge staff down along one of the high streets that ran from the Hokage Tower to the opposite end of the village. He really should have left it at home, as it was only getting in the way, and causing more damage than the invaders were.

On a nearby roof, a rather bored looking man with pineapple shaped hair was leaning against a wall on his forearm. To the shock of the four Sand ninja on the roof with him, their arms had mimicked his, and were hanging in the air useless. Not only that, but none of them could move an inch.

"Kage Mane no Jutsu." He said, his tone dripping bored anger; almost as if he was incredibly put out that his relaxing day had been interrupted by such an inconvenient invasion.

A few feet away, a blond with a long ponytail landed. A set of seals later, he calmly spoke. "Shinranshin no Jutsu."

Seconds later, the shadow connecting to one of the Sand ninja crept away. In the next moment- much to the horror of his comrades- the ninja began attacking his own people, no matter how much they protested. Much to their shock, he couldn't control his body as he ended their lives, before jamming the bloodied kunai into his own skull.

"Just like old times." The ponytailed blond said to the lazy bum nearby.

888

In the middle of the village, a man with a fro and sunglasses on found himself surrounded by three enemy ninja. For someone about to be attacked by three Jounin, he seemed to be far less than worried. He had every right to be, as evidenced moments later when the men experienced what felt like hundreds of bugs crawling all over them. A closer look would show that this was indeed the case, and that the bugs seemed to be sapping their strength. Realizing just who it was they were up against, one of the nin began the seals for a fire jutsu before he lost too much chakra, only to find himself swarmed from behind by a cloud of bugs. He was soon dead, drained of all of his chakra, while the other two quickly passed out from a lack of chakra.

Seconds, and a Shunshin later, found a young person arriving at the man's side. The person was a girl who looked to be in her late teens and sporting a high-collared jacket just like her father.

"We are done here." Shibi said monotonously to his daughter. "Shizuka, take them to your mother in the T&I headquarters."

"Yes, father." The Chuunin replied in a calm tone that bordered on creepy. With that, the male left in a swirl of leaves, while the young woman sealed the two enemy up for transport.

888

A few blocks over, three Sand ninja- who were resting after finishing off a particularly troublesome Leaf Jounin- found themselves suddenly face two women with red fang marks on their cheeks. One was a rather formidable, feral looking wild woman. The other was a rather attractive, and fairly busty girl in her late teens who looked to be related to the older woman- likely her daughter. While the two women looked enough like a fight, it wasn't them that had the three men worried. No, what had them worried was the four canines that had accompanied them.

The obviously most fearsome looking of the bunch was the massive dog sitting next to the feral woman. The fact that it was only a head shorter than the woman standing next to it, and even looked to be slouching, made it an even more terrifying sight. Surrounding the younger woman were three more dogs, and while only about half the size of the biggest dog, they were still bigger than any dogs the three men had ever seen. If that wasn't enough to make them regret coming to Konoha, then what happened next sure took the cake.

"Let's go, Kuromaru." The feral woman ordered.

"Owu," The dog returned, before making the men piss themselves when it spoke. "Alright you three brats, fresh meat."

The less said about what the four canine did to the three men, the less chance of reacquainting you with your last meal.

Needless to say, the invasion was over in short order.

888888

A few days later found Naruto using over a hundred clones to help with the village reconstruction and repair. With an army of a hundred Naruto running around doing odd jobs, and other solid Bunshin capable ninja taking his cue, things were progressing at an even faster rate than the last time. He was currently helping Ayame serve lunch to some of the workers when he was reverse summoned to the top of the Hokage Tower- and it was a lucky thing that he'd already set the tray he'd been carrying down. As he recovered from the nausea inducing sensation- well, it was when you were surprised by it- he grumbled to himself that he'd never get used to the feeling of being disassembled, and put back together.

"What did you do that for?" Naruto asked, seeing who had summoned him. "I was in the middle of something."

"Hey gaki, I need your help to find someone." Jiraiya announced. While Naruto already knew who Jiraiya was referring to, he decided to have a little fun with him.

"Who do you need help finding?" He asked.

"A woman," Jiraiya started. "-but not just any woman. A beauty of a blonde with the most amazing curves you've ever seen. A 105cm bust, womanly hips, a heart shaped behind, and legs that can make anyone drool."

'_I know he's talking about Tsunade, but I'm so tempted to to tell him that finding a woman like that wouldn't do him any good._' Naruto thought.

Glaring in annoyance at the overly dramatic description of Tsunade- even if she was incredibly attractive with her seal up- Naruto turned away from the perverted man. "Naruto Uzumaki is unavailable at the moment, if you would please leave your name and contact information at the beep, I'll get back to you eventually...BEEP!"

Naruto's ignoring of the man was cut short as another voice joined them; that of Sarutobi-ji. "He wants you to help him find my third student, Tsunade, and convince her to return home to become Hokage, Naruto."

"You're retiring again?" Naruto asked.

"That invasion went a long way in reminding me that I'm way to old for this shit." Sarutobi said. "Since you're not quite ready," Naruto balked at the man's tone implying that it was his fault. "-I have to find someone else to wear the hat until then. Unfortunately, whatever kind of therapy you used on Danzo has removed any desire to be the Hokage."

"Well why didn't he just say that he was doing that?" Naruto asked, his tone full of annoyance.

"He did, he just decided to do it using nothing but Tsunade's physical description." Sarutobi said. "Though I will admit that he could have done it in a less perverted fashion just this once. Hearing a man I consider as good as my son speaking that way of a woman I consider as good as my daughter is disconcerting."

"Fine, I'll meet Ero-Sennin at the gate in an hour." Naruto said, heading off in the opposite direction of his apartment building; which to the annoyance of several civilians was completely untouched by the invasion. He ignored the rather dramatic protest of Jiraiya at the name, and Sarutobi's immensely amused reaction to it.

888

Naruto's first three stops were to his teammates' homes. He was going to be out of the village for awhile, so felt it probably a good idea to let them know that he'd be unavailable for training or whatever. After leaving Sasuke's, Naruto headed over to the hospital to let Haku know he was leaving. Why he didn't go there first, seeing as she was closest, he didn't know, but figured that it didn't really matter. Heading down to the ICU- where Haku had been temporarily stationed along with any other highly skilled medic- Naruto approached the dark haired beauty.

Waiting until she'd finished with her current patient, Naruto wrapped his arms around her waist, and planted a kiss to her cheek. "Working hard?"

"Very, and I could certainly use a break," Haku answered. "-or at least a boost."

With a devious grin, Naruto began channeling chakra into her, much the same way that he'd done when he'd been charging her training seal. Much like that time, Haku could almost immediately feel herself reacting to the transfer, and let out a low groan.

"Naruto-kun, I don't think now is a good time for that." She said, stifling another moan. "You wouldn't happen to have a soldier pill on you, would you."

"Sorry, I've never really had a need for one." Naruto admitted, stopping the unintentionally tantric flow.

"That's okay," She said, taking his hand, and pulling him over to the nurses station. "-I've already had one, so this is probably a sign that I should just take it easy for a bit, and let my chakra replenish naturally. So, what did you need, or did you just come to visit me?"

"Actually, I wanted to let you know that Ero-Sennin wants me to leave the village with him for an indeterminate amount of time to go and look for what he claims is a hot blonde with huge breasts." Naruto replied, earning a raised eyebrow from Haku. "Jiji wants him to find his old teammate Tsunade, and the perv wants me to tag along for some reason."

"Ah, that makes more sense." Haku said, before kissing him heartily, and shooing him out. "Well, have fun, make sure you let Hinata know before you leave, and don't come back acting like him."

"Okay, um, I will, and I'll miss you?" Naruto said to no one as he found himself pushed out of the ICU. "Well, I guess I'd better go see Hinata."

A short ten minute walk later- since he still had over half an hour left before he had to meet Ero-Sennin- arriving at the Hyuuga compound. Upon knocking on the door, Naruto was shocked to find himself quickly and eagerly ushered in by a Branch House member, and shown to where Hinata was training. Naruto's plan was to go tell Hinata about his mission, give her a kiss goodbye, and then go meet Ero-Sennin. When he reached the dojo she was training in, however, he ended up forgetting why he'd come in the first place.

Standing in the middle of the room was Hinata, wearing a training tee that was standard for all young Hyuuga, and a pair of snug pants that most certainly weren't. He noticed the look of intense concentration on her cute face, and wondered what she was doing; as she had her eyes closed, and her Byakugan deactivated. Naruto was soon surprised by the display of strength Hinata showed when she did a hand plant, and held herself upright. That was when her teeshirt came down, and he realized two things: Hinata was only wearing wrappings under her shirt, and the pants she was wearing were really, really, really tight. And if that wasn't enough, with a display of acrobatics that he realized he really shouldn't have been surprised by, she spun herself 360 degrees, giving him a quite clear view of the fact that Hinata had a larger bust than he'd thought she had.

Naruto found himself staring despite the weird feelings doing so generated, and hoped it would end soon. But it was as if kami was in a particularly mischievous mood, as Hinata then did something that caused him to react in a way that he didn't like at that moment. While maintaining her handstand, Hinata's legs parted until she was doing an upside down split, highlighting her soon to be amazing glutes. From his position, he could plainly see the outline of the cute bottom that would develop into the succulent rear end Hinata would possess in a few years. Dear Kami, why did this have to happen when she was still twelve, and not after he'd returned from his long trip with Ero-Sennin.

'_Kami I feel like such a pedophile right now._' Naruto thought.

"How do you think I feel?" NB muttered back. "I had to write it."

'_If it bothered you so much, why did you write it?_'

"Because I knew as much as it bothered me, it would probably bother you far more." NB replied honestly.

"Have I told you lately that you're a sick, twisted bastard?" Naruto grumbled, adjusting his pants, and feeling all kinds of wrong for having had to do so.

"Yep, but it's still nice to feel appreciated." NB replied.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're a complete dick?"

"It might have been mentioned a time or two." NB again replied, more than just a bit amused.

After another five minutes of having his eyes forcibly glued to Hinata's form- and he just knew that NB was responsible for that- she finally came out of her handstand, stood up, and opened her eyes. The beautiful smile that she grew upon seeing him made him feel even more guilty for staring. And if that wasn't enough, she followed this by running over to him- bouncing in ways that was just criminal for her age- before leaping into his arms, and kissing him. Naruto caught her, spun her around, and returned the hearty kiss. Naruto relaxed into her embrace, thankful that it had driven away all of the wrong thoughts and feelings, as well as the guilt. Hinata was just special that way.

"Naruto-kun, I'm glad you came to visit me." She said. "I'm sorry I haven't been to see you in a few days, but father has decided to step up my training. After he heard what Neji-nii's team and I did during the invasion, he's planning to help me master the Trigrams 64 Palms. I can already do up to 32 now, consistently."

"Well I've got no doubts that you'll succeed." Naruto said, kissing her again, this time on the forehead. "As to why I'm here, I've got a mission with Ero-Sennin to find and return to the village Tsunade Senju. I don't know how long it'll take, so I wanted to let you know I'll be gone for a bit. I promise that I'll come see you and Haku as soon as I get back."

"Okay Naruto-kun, I'll see you when I get back." She said, before turning serious. "Father is here, so I guess it's time for my training. You caught me while I was warming up."

"Well then, I'll just leave you to it."

888

Ten minutes later, Naruto skidded to a stop at the gates of Konoha where Jiraiya and Sarutobi were waiting. Before anyone could even mention it, Naruto quickly burst in.

"Sorry I'm late, but my horoscope advised against being on time." In truth, he'd gone to Ichiraku's for a bite to eat, and to let them know he was leaving. He wasn't totally shocked that Ayame gave him a big hug- not like he'd been when Sakura gave him one, and wished him luck- and told him to come back safe.

Sarutobi stared at his pseudo-grandson, and had to seriously fight the face vault that was threatening to come. Jiraiya had no such compunctions, and crashed face first into the ground at the words that came from his apprentice's mouth. A couple minutes later, after a few more goodbyes, Naruto and Jiraiya headed out. With a nod, Sarutobi- who it turned out was actually a Kage Bunshin- dispelled himself.

As Jiraiya and Naruto were leaving the village to find the only other shinobi the current Hokage trusted to take the hat- since Jiraiya had vehemently declined, and Naruto wasn't quite ready- a certain scarred member of the Hokage's guard was stainding in front of the God of Shinobi standing at attention.

"Hokage-sama," The man said, bowing.

"What is it, Raido?" Sarutobi questioned, gesturing for him to relax and take a seat, and found himself startled when then man declined.

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Granted," Sarutobi said, curious about his behavior, and what the man would say.

"I think that it's utterly ridiculous that Naruto hasn't been promoted." He said, reminding the Hokage of the decision to hold off on Naruto's promotion alongside Shikamaru. "He almost single-handedly turned the tide of the battle. Not to mention he displayed Chuunin level skill, leadership, and qualities during both the tournament and the invasion."

Sarutobi sighed, as he knew that eventually someone else- Jiraiya had already done so once- would bring it up. He'd only done it, because of all the paperwork Naruto would have to fill out, and the other things he'd have to deal with in registry. It would have delayed his and Jiraiya's mission by almost another week, one they couldn't afford to let pass.

"I agree with you completely, which is why I've decided to promote him once he returns from his mission with Jiraiya to find Tsunade." The old man said smiling. "Afterall, between the exam- minus the humiliating Neji portion- the invasion, and him helping to bring back the next Hokage, who could possibly argue that he doesn't deserve to be promoted?"

Raido nodded. "There's one other thing. I would also like your permission for Genma, Tsurugi and myself to teach Naruto the Hiraishin."

"You do remember Minato's feelings on that matter." Sarutobi mentioned with a slight edge to his voice. If there was one thing that was taken seriously in the village, it was the last wishes of a deceased Hokage; especially one that gave his life in defense of the village. Well, they were taken seriously when they weren't being completely ignored, like that one wish for Naruto to be seen as a hero for the sacrifice that was made out of him.

"I do, but considering how many other of Yondaime-sama's feelings and desires have been ignored, I think he might be okay with this one."

"We shall see." Sarutobi said. "If Naruto has the fuinjutsu accumen to actually learn the jutsu, then I will allow it."

"Thank you sir." Raido said, before exiting the office.

"What do you say to that, old friend?" Sarutobi asked, without looking up.

"Hmph, never could pull the wool over your eyes, could I?" Danzo said, with a hint of amusement.

"I wouldn't say never, Danzo, but certainly not when I'm paying attention." Sarutobi said, finally turning a grin to his long time friend and rival. "So, what do I owe this visit?"

"Would it surprise you to hear that a visit from Naruto prompted this meeting?" Danzo inwardly smirked at the shocked look. "Let's just say that after breaking into my compound- and no I don't want to talk about it- we had a rather interesting discussion; most importantly about my division of Anbu."

"Oh, what about it?"

"He seems to think that having emotionless drones is a mistake, but didn't seem capable of really giving a definitive reason why." Danzo said. "He said that I should ask you."

"It's really quite simple." Sarutobi said. What would follow was a very complex explanation that only ninja as old, and who had been in service as long as they had, would understand. The main gist of it really was simple, though. While having ninja like that capable of carrying out missions that normal shinobi don't have the heart to perform, having no emotion makes them liabilities. If Danzo were to allow his ninja to form at the very least emotional attachments to the village as a whole, then they'd get shinobi willing and capable of going beyond the call of duty for their village.

Danzo found himself once more inwardly sobbing for such lost time. He found himself really wishing now that he'd had a sensei like Tobirama Senju, rather than that cranky Uchiha bitch he'd been stuck with. I mean really, a good majority of the clan were actually okay folks, but the ones most people were exposed to just so happened to be like Fugaku, Sasuke post massacre, and Madara. The only time his sensei seemed to be in any kind of good mood was after spending a night with Sarutobi's sensei, and that rather odd break up the Jounin and Hokage had had shortly before they'd become the then equivalent of Chuunin, had cut that off completely.

Removing a scroll from his robes, he sat it on the table. "This is a full roster of my forces. We are prepared to be the roots that the great tree keeps hidden."

Giving the man a nod, Sarutobi pulls out a file, and places it on the desk. "Here is a list of the Academy washouts for this year who had the potential to make it, but unfortunately did not make the cut. If you restrict your recruiting to this pool, and keep me informed of your movements, I will reactivate your cell."

"Agreed." Danzo gave his old friend a nod. "By the way, given that the seal he used to immobilize the Hyuuga was an A-rank creation of mine, I'd say little Naruto might just have the ability to learn Hiraishin."

"I am well aware of Naruto's ability with seals, Danzo." Hiruzen said. "But Minato wished for Naruto to create his own legacy, not copy his. The only reason he was willing to give Naruto the Rasengan is because it was still incomplete."

"Hmm, I can't say I agree with Minato, but I understand." Danzo said. "However, limiting the availability of such a powerful weapon is doing the village no favors; especially if the lad's clones are capable of using the jutsu. Not to mention, it would be a good ace up his sleeve until he can create his own techniques."

Sarutobi paused in thought. Given the number of Kage Bunshin Naruto could make, if all of those clones were capable of using the Hiraishin, they could have a ready made army capable of being anywhere they were needed almost instantly.

"Hmm, you may just have a point." Hiruzen said, lighting his pipe. He inhaled, and blew out the smoke, smiling when Danzo inhaled deeply, and gave a calming sigh.

"Is that?"

"Yep, Koku Kaminari Special (7)." He answered. "Jiraiya brought me a pound when he came back to the village a month ago." Seeing Danzo's pleading look, Sarutobi reached into his desk, and pulled out a plastic baggy, and held it in his hand. He gave a smirk when Danzo pulled his own pipe out, and emptied it with a bit of fuuton manipulation. "I'll share on one condition."

"What?" Danzo asked, hoping that this wouldn't be like the time he'd conned him into crossdressing, and sneaking into Koharu's sleepover to see if Biwako liked him.

"I want you to see if Naruto needs help with his fuuton manipulation." Danzo readily agreed, as it wouldn't be too much of a burden. The kid had gotten him his best friend/rival back- and that was once more back on freiendly terms- so he was willing to do that. Smiling again, Sarutobi passed the baggy over, and watched as the other elder packed and lit his own pipe. As the two smoked away the afternoon, and the baggy of Sarutobi's special tobacco, they relaxed, and talked about old times.

The on duty Anbu could only stare in slight shock at what she was seeing and hearing. While not nearly to the level of Kushina or Naruto Uzumaki, if what she was hearing was true, then those two were a fucking menace as children. That the two half baked men were contemplating starting a prank war with Naruto upon his return from his mission with Jiraiya, had her blood running cold. Konoha wouldn't survive being caught in the crossfire of Naruto against two Kage level ninja, especially considering what happened when Iruka had made the same attempt in an effort to curb Naruto's pranking habit. They'd caused her squad thousands of ryo in therapy before Sarutobi had drawn up a ceasefire, and ordered them both to sign it.

888888

Key:

1. White Tiger Monster

2. Infinite Kitsune

3. Ice Woman/Hag- This is an actual Japanese mythical demon being, so feel free to look it up.

4. bird

5. I couldn't find this in Japanese, or a good translator in time

6. Konoha Dragon

7. Black Lightning Special

88888888

After reading the manga- I just finished chapter 618- there's something that's bothering me about the series. This being the whole Sasuke on a journey of self discovery while the rest of the world is embroiled in a war. This whole set up reeks of a foreshadowing that I really don't want to consider, but that I must. Therefore, I will go on record right now and say it. If Sasuke suddenly switches sides again, and ends up being the one to defeat Madara, I'm to be highly pissed off. When this chapter was first posted, I threatened to boycott Naruto and Naruto fanfiction, but I've sense gotten over that initial reaction. Now, I think I'll just do what I do with Harry Potter fanfiction. It never happened, so I'll just ignore it.


	9. There's a sucker born every day

**Disclaimer:** Whose scarier, the person who doesn't know they're sick and twisted, or the person that freely admits to it with a huge grin?

The city structure of Hi no Kuni was confusing, and the information sites I checked did little to clear things up. Therefore, to clear up any misunderstandings, I've decided to improvise, and make my own set up. The run in with Itachi and Kisame takes place in Otafuku Gai. The crater-like city they search second will be Shukuba Town, and finally, the only place that was a general consensus by all the sites I checked is Tanzaku Gai.

For those who were worried, I won't be walking away. While I'm really getting annoyed with how easily Nuke-nin seem to be getting forgiven in the series, I've come to accept it. Given that Naruto is finally getting his well deserved 'I'm the shit, now everyone gets their proof' moment, I'm okay with Sasuke coming back. Besides, seeing the Naruto and Sasuke combination jutsu actually inspired me to come back to this just so I could use some offshoots of them later.

By the way, I don't know if I've mention this before, but I've always been of the opinion that Naruto had a friend making Bloodline Limit, and once said that if he befriended the Kyuubi that it couldn't be denied. I would once again like to say...you can no longer deny that it exists. Haku, Zabuza, Sasuke (until he got the infected hickey), Neji, Gaara, Tsunade, Pein and Konan, Kyuubi, Obito, and this was just in the manga. If you count the fillers and movies, there's at least a minimum half dozen more; I don't think anything more need be said on the matter.

Also, for those of you who were put off by the prank jutsu, I'm going to put them away for a bit. They'll still get occasionally used on people that really deserve it, but I think the joke's been burned out for now. Rectal Prolapse will get one final hoorah, then it's hibernation time.

I also noticed that no one commented on the Elders showing some badassery. Would have thought that would have intrigued someone.

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Naruto's grin was wide as he entered the village with his party of five; well, if you counted Tonton. Unlike the last time where things had been incredibly dire, aside from a slip up that he was still debating on whether to forgive NB for, the trip had gone incredibly well this time around. And the best part, was that he'd gotten to deal with that traitor Kabuto. Still, he was a little annoyed with the stunt NB pulled to get Tsunade over her hemophobia.

"Oh come on, don't be such a wuss." NB teased. "You asked to use your free arc change to get rid of her blood fear, so I did."

'_You didn't have to use me as the method for it._' Naruto complained.

"You're focusing on entirely the wrong thing here. Shinobi chicks dig scars, and you were the one who constantly bitched about not having anything to show from your epic battles."

'_That's true, but I didn't get this scar from a battle, I got it from my jutsu backfiring on me._' Naruto thought angrily. '_And how the hell can she have easily healed all of the other injuries with no marks, but this one scarred? It wasn't even the biggest or worst one._'

"Hmph, some thanks I get for doing you a favor." NB muttered like a petulant child. "Besides, you helping her get over her hemophobia was nostalgically sweet."

Deciding that trying to debate with a mentally disturbed author was a waste of time, Naruto turned his attention to his travelling companions, and contemplated their current dispositions.

Jiraiya had spent the entire trip giving him awkward glances that ranged from proud, unsure, and highly disturbed. He was sure the pride was from everything Rasengan related, and how he'd convinced Tsunade to return. The unsurity was likely due to his having the Uzumaki Clan Jujutsu scroll. He was also fairly sure that his new summons had caused the disturbed looks. Who knew the Uzumaki Clan had actually had an extremely random Summoning Contract, and that the mongooses they'd signed with were just as crazy as the clan they worked with.

Tsunade looked like she was about to have a sulking fit. While she'd praised him for such a shinobi-like deception, betting on something that he could already do, she was more than a little annoyed that she'd been played by a Genin. Only the consulation prizes she got out of the deal kept her from contemplating reneging on the deal they'd made. Not only that, but it did stop Shizune from nagging her about missing Konoha, and going home even if for just a visit.

Shizune, well Shizune just looked to be happy to be finally coming back to Konoha. That her mistress was becoming Hokage, and that she wouldn't have to take part in any repayments of her mentor's debts was a bonus. The woman was exceedingly happy, if the repeated scooping up and hugging of Tonton was anything to go by. With a smile, and the secure knowledge that it should be over just as he reached the Hokage Tower, Naruto decided a flashback was in order to relive the rather interesting trip he'd just returned from.

88888888

_**Present day Konoha disappears in Yellow Flash, Past Naruto and Jiraiya walking along dirt road appears in a swirl of Icha Icha pages...much to the tearful chargin of the author**_

As the pair of ninja travelled down the road, the younger of the two- dressed in a familiar orange and black jumpsuit- turned to the elder ninja- who was wearing his...unique ensemble- and asked a rather interesting question.

"So, where are we headed first, Ero-Sennin?" Naruto hid the smile at Jiraiya's wince as they came upon a town.

"We're checking Tsunade's last known whereabouts to hopefully get a read on where she might be headed." He answered. "Otafuku Gai has a number of places that Tsunade might find to her liking."

"Are you sure we're not headed there so you can visit the brothels?" Naruto teased.

"Of course not, you idiot!" Jiraiya yelled, pointing. "Otafuku Gai has many famous bars with excellent sake that are certain to have drawn Tsunade's attention. Besides, the great Jiraiya doesn't need a brothel to get women."

"Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it." Naruto taunted back, as the two entered the town. It wasn't long before they'd found a nice inn, where Jiraiya rented a room. It was also about this time that Naruto remembered something else that had happened during their hunt for Tsunade. And it all started with...

"Whoa," Jiraiya muttered as he made eye contact with an incredibly beautiful woman. Naruto turned, and blushed at the woman that had just winked at the pervert. Long, straight black hair. Large, dark brown eyes. Set in a face with classic features, she was almost as pretty as Haku-chan. And then there was the rest of her. She was very curvy, and the short, strapless blue dress that hugged her figure showed it.

"See, what did I tell you?" Jiraiya boasted. "The ladies love the Gallant Jiraiya. Here, take the room key, and go work on your chakra."

"Oh come one, Ero-Sennin, there's no way she's into you." Naruto complained. "I bet she's under a Genjutsu."

"Hey gaki, stop being a jealous cockblock." Jiraiya ordered quietly. "-especially when you've got those two girlfriends of yours back home."

"Whatever." Naruto grumbled as he headed into the inn, and up the stairs to the room. With a frustrated huff, Naruto sat down on the bed, and once again threw himself into improving his Rasengan. He still hadn't managed to get it right. While it was true he could do it with one hand now, it took far too long to form to be useful in a fight, and adding his element to it would just be a waste of time a fight wouldn't give him.

Naruto had been working for about half an hour when there was a knock on the door. Grinning when he realized who it was, Naruto paused at the door, and slapped his hands on either side of the frame. Job done, he opened the door.

"Hey Itachi, what's up?" He asked cheerfully. While the young man didn't show it, he was very surprised that Naruto remembered him. Not only that, but he was sure the boy knew about his ranking in the Bingo Book by now.

"You know who I am." Naruto nodded. "And you're not afraid."

"Nah, most of them deserved it, and if you hadn't, someone else would have eventually." Naruto said with a shrug.

Suddenly, a large blue figure appeared behind Itachi. "Hmm, is this really the ninetails?"

Despite the fact that it was currently a very bad idea, Naruto just couldn't help his snarky reply. "Do I _look_ like a several stories tall fox to you? Would you like it if people started calling you Fishman, or Walking Sushi?"

Knowing Naruto's personality, Kisame's typical reaction to being called sushi, and wanting to avoid any accidents that my cause them both to be punished, Itachi decided to intervene. "Naruto, we would like you to come with us."

"Um, I'd rather not. Sarutobi-jiji said that I wasn't supposed to go with strangers." Naruto said, before his eyes turned to focus on Kisame. "Especially ones that looked like they might touch me inappropriately."

Itachi's eye almost twitched at that. He could easily recall the day the boy had been given that lecture after that raving pervert had tried to molest the boy. It really was sad the way Rin-san turned out, she'd always seemed so nice. He still didn't know if they'd figured out how she escaped.

"Who said you had a choice?" Kisame asked, grabbing the handle of his sword.

"Um, this isn't one of those situations where you kidnap me and force me to do ero things with you, is it?" Itachi, who'd dealt with Naruto a lot as a child, just barely held his stoic expression. Naruto had always been able to get a reaction out of him.

"No."

"Oh good," Naruto replied. "-I thought you might have heard about my sexy jutsu, and were going to try and force me to turn into a girl so you could molest me. Sorry, but I just don't get down like that."

Itachi couldn't help the reaction to that. There was just no way to stay stoic in the face of that, especially when one took in Kisame's reaction. Luckily, his coat covered his smile. "Come out of the room, Naruto."

"If it's all the same, I think I'd rather stay here." Naruto said. "Blueboy over their doesn't exactly look like the trustable type, and if you're hanging out with him, I don't want any part of that ramen."

"I say we chop off one of his legs." Kisame said, drawing Sameheda, and taking a step forward into the room. Or rather, he tried to anyway. Both Itachi and Naruto gained some amusement Kisame tried to step into the room, and ran face first into a chakra barrier that even Samehede could do nothing against.

Whatever answer Itachi might have given was stopped at the arrival of another person in the hallway, drawing an annoyed sigh from the elder Uchiha.

"It's been awhile...Sasuke." The man said.

"Itachi Uchiha." Sasuke growled. "I am going to kill you!"

"Am I the only one who thinks this is going to end really badly?" Naruto said as Sasuke ran through his death threat, and charged Itachi with a Chidori.

"It would have been much funnier if he'd said, 'Hello. My name is Sasuke Uchiha. You killed my family.  
Prepare to die'." NB sounded in his head.

"Really? I don't get it."

"You wouldn't." NB sighed. '_But I'm sure my readers would get it. It's a great movie, after all._'

Suddenly, there was a flash of movement from Itachi, and a large explosion as part of the wall disappeared into a huge hole. When the smoke cleared, Itachi had Sasuke by the forearm. Just as the atmosphere was starting to get really tense, a voice echoed in the hall.

"Well now, this is awkward." Jiraiya said as he arrived in a puff of smoke with the woman draped over his shoulder. "Guess you boys don't know as much about me as you thought."

"I don't know, I think they had you pegged pretty well." Naruto teased. "They just underestimated how quickly you'd finish up."

Ignoring the shot at his prowess, Jiraiya continued. "You used a Genjutsu on this woman to lure me away so you could get to Naruto."

"Yup, and they even asked me to come with them like those perverts jiji taught me about."

"Our orders are to abduct Naruto for our organization, Akatsuki." Itachi said.

"Sorry to disappoint you boys, but you're not getting Naruto." Jiraiya said. "You're going to die by my hands.

"No!" Sasuke screamed, having forgotten that Itachi still had his forearm in a tight grip. "Itachi is mine."

With a thud and oof, Itachi sent Sasuke flying down the hallway into the wall. Naruto knew what was coming next, but found himself surprised when Itachi didn't even give Sasuke the chance. He was on him in less than a second with a punch to the stomach that folded Sasuke over, following with an elbow to back of head from the same arm. He finished with a knee to face that straightened him back up, before grabbing him by the throat and pinning him to the wall.

"Hey, could you not Tsukiyomi the bastard?" Naruto called out, remembering what was coming next, and wanting to avoid the fallout. "We only just got him convinced that giving his body to Orochimaru for power was a bad idea, and I'm pretty sure that being mind fucked again is going to cause him to regress."

Little did anyone know, but Naruto's comment- which had drawn Itachi's attention for just a few moments, was more than enough for Sasuke to make his next attack...and at point blank range, it hit the elder nin squarely.

"S-Static Fart no Jutsu!" Itachi stiffened violently, before a Raikiri-like lightening storm shot out of his ass in a long, squeaky fart.

It was only his extreme luck, and his long cloak that hid the visible lightening which would have added to his embarrassment. While he couldn't see that his hair had puffed up into a frizzy afro, or that there were small bolts of static lightening arcing all over it, he could easily feel the side effects of the jutsu. His chakra was very off and felt wholly unfamiliar to him, and he also felt like he'd consumed a solid amount of sake. If that wasn't enough, the spastic twitch that was jumping back and forth from one side of his body to the next meant that any chance of sealing a jutsu to fight Jiraiya would likely fail.

When it was over, his head slowly creaked back towards his little brother, glaring incredulously at his smugly smirking face. As embarrassed as he was, Itachi was having a conflict of conscience. It was obvious from that jutsu who the boy was being influenced by. What he had to decide, was which was the lesser of the two evils. Sasuke being influenced by the Uzumaki brand of mischief, which would make his enemies fear him; or Sasuke being influenced by a mental sadist of questionable sexual tastes, which could gain him fear for an entirely different reason.

In retrospect, the answer was really a no brainer, but the decision was taken out of his hands when he heard Jiraiya's voice calmly intone. "Gamaguchi Shibari."

When the walls began turning pink and fleshy, and Sasuke began sinking into one of said walls, he knew it was time to leave. "Let's go, Kisame."

And just like that, his day got worse, and the shark-like grin on his partners face told the story quite well. Apparently, the jutsu he'd been hit with didn't just give him visual embarrassment, but it also made one sound like the long lost brother of those Chipmunks he'd once seen in a cartoon while on a babysitting D-rank. Not even bothering with anything else, he decided to cut his losses, and flee. Smirking, Kisame followed him out of the hole he eventually made with Amaterasu, and across the rooftops to a cliff a mile away. Once he was sure they were alone, he turned to the large, blue man who looked to be having an involutary spasm.

"Go ahead and get it out of your system." The Uchiha grumbled squeakily. Unable to hold it any longer, Kisame took in Itachi's new look, and his constantly twitching body; which when combined with Itachi sounding like he'd inhaled a tank of helium, resulted in him being unable to control his laughter. After about ten minutes, and his sides beginning to ache, he calmed down enough to hold himself to slight snickers.

With an annoyed expression on his face- not that anyone could tell through his mask of stoicism- Itachi intoned. "Are you finished?"

Unfortunately, his voice hadn't changed in the last ten minutes, so Kisame just started roaring with laughter all over again.

888888

Meanwhile, Gai had shown up, and after situating him piggyback, carried the now unconscious junior Uchiha back to the village. Being the kind, caring student that he was, Naruto decided not to bring up the girl, and how he'd been right about her being Genjutsu'd to like him. Jiraiya, on the other hand, had checked he and Naruto out of the hotel, and decided it best to move on to the next place on the list: Shukuba Town. It was just as he remembered it: all bustling with excited people enjoying the festivities. He couldn't wait to partake of the fun to be had, and this time, he wasn't going to allow the pervert to ruin his good time by stealing his wallet.

As soon as Jiraiya left him alone to 'search for clues about Tsunade', Naruto pulled his wallet out, and went in search of some fun. He played some games, ate some sweets, played some more games, snacked on some sweet pastries, won a couple of cute kids- a brother and sister from the looks of things- a couple of stuffed prizes that were bigger than they were, and then stopped for lunch. As he was walking down the street munching his squid on a stick, he found himself in front of the shop selling masks. Giving them all a once over, Naruto's eyes fell on a few that made him smile.

Naruto ended up buying three masks, a fox one for himself, a panda one for Hinata, and one that reminded him quite a bit of the mask Haku was wearing when they first met. Fixing the eye holes to make visibility better, Naruto angled it to the top of his head so that he could finish his lunch before putting it on completely. As he was looking for something else to do, he heard the pervert's loud laughter. Pushing aside the curtain, he found the pervert sitting on a couch with a pair of very busty and curvy women. His eyes narrowed as something struck his memory.

'_I knew it._' Naruto thought as he remembered. '_He wasted my money on these escorts when he had plenty of his own money he could have used._'

"Ah, Naruto, how was the festival?" Jiraiya asked.

Now, while Naruto was tempted to be cheeky, and ask if the two ladies were the ones that had the information about his kidnapped wife, he wasn't about to be a cockblock, even it it was on the pervert. Instead, he replied. "It was great. How did your search for information on Tsunade go, sensei, or are you still working your two informants over?"

Giving him an annoyed glare, Jiraiya picked up a meatball covered in some kind of sauce, and flicked it at him. Almost casually, Naruto brought his grilled squid up, and batted it over his shoulder. Of course, this led to...

"Look what you did you brat!" Naruto turned to see a man in a white trench coat with a stain where the meatball had hit him, and a hysterical bald man pointing at the offending stain. "What are you going to do about this?"

"Am I supposed to do something?" Naruto asked.

"You stained a designer suit that cost 100,000, you better pay for it." Naruto looked at the man as if he were crazy.

"You didn't really pay that much for it, did you? If you did, you got ripped off, cuz that looks more like a cheap knock off."

"Cheap?! Do you know who you're talking to?!" Naruto shrugged. "This is the former Chuunin of Hidden Rock, Akoki Gantetsu; the Densetsu no Annin."

"Okay, first of all, a mere Chuunin has no right to call himself a legend of anything." Naruto said. "Second, the only legends out of Iwa are Ryoutenbin no Oonoki and Mujin no Muu."

"What, I'll make you pay for that." The man yelled, charging.

Thirty seconds later, Naruto and Jiraiya left the escort stand, leaving behind an unconscious man in a filthy white, cheap knockoff of a designer suit. Once again, the man would have his wallet pilfered, and used to pay for the damages his beating resulted in. As they headed for the stairs leading up and out of the crater town, Naruto once again lamented.

"Either that guy was full of it, or old man Oonoki's Chuunin standards have taken a nose dive." Naruto grumbled.

Smirking, Jiraiya interrupted his running monologue of the man's faults. "Well, since you're obviously warmed up, how about some training?"

888

"That perverted bastard." Naruto spat. He'd gotten his hopes up for nothing.

When Ero-Sennin had asked him if he was ready for some training, Naruto thought he was actually about to get some real training, the kind that- during his last life- the perv had said he'd have given Naruto if he hadn't had to correct all of the gaps in his knowledge. He should have known better. As soon as he'd learned how long it still took him to create a one-handed Rasengan, he'd told him that was his assignment to work on, before once again ditching him.

Still grumbling about being abandoned again- and he hadn't even bothered to use the 'search for clues on Tsunade' excuse- Naruto lifted his hand, and began to channel his chakra. To his shock, a small blue orb filled with spinning chakra appeared in his hand in a mere two seconds. Perfect Rasengan, and with one hand; now that was more like it.

"That was kind of fast though." Naruto said grinning. "Now, to re-create the Fuuton Rasengan and Rasenshuriken. I'd like to see that traitor heal himself from that. I have to ask, was this your doing?"

"Nope, this is all you." NB answered. "I have a theory, if you'd care to hear it."

"By all means," Naruto said, as he started trying to add his element to the completed Rasengan.

"Well, it's already been established that you'll automatically regain your previous lifetimes abilities with your jutsu as soon as you learn them in continuity in this lifetime. It's also been shown that this applies to timing for techniques you learned on your own, and when you're taught them if it was learned from a sensei. Learning the jutsu from Jiraiya allowed you to gain the ability to use it as you had before, but since you learned it early, all of the extra work you put into chakra control wasn't factored into it until you learned it from him during the Tsunade search. Thus, you now are capable of using it one handed since it was brought up when it was supposed to be first introduced."

"That makes sense, and somehow I understood what you were saying," Naruto started.

"But it was overly complex, and probably confusing as all hell to anyone else trying to puzzle it out?" Naruto nodded. "So we're just going to go with the plothole theory?"

"Works for me." Naruto replied as he continued to work. No offense to continuity, but he was determined to shove a Fuuton: Rasengan into Kabuto's gut. While he'd prefer the Rasenshuriken, well, that could possibly put Ero-Sennin, Tsunade-Baachan, and Shizune in harms way.

888

And so their not quite epic journey continued. Naruto continued training, and Jiraiya continued 'searching for clues on Tsunade's movements'. While Naruto was sure that he was indeed gathering information, it still bothered him how the pervert got some of his information. He'd been initially disturbed at how many points in Ero-Sennin's spy network were located in brothels until he realized how much info those girls could accumulate, and were willing to pass on for the right price. That quite a few only required a great lay for information, and Jiraiya seemed to be able to milk those girls for so much intel, were the only things that kept Naruto from truly laying into his sensei for his perversion.

Eventually, their journey brought them to the end of their search in Tanzaku Gai. Having lived this all before, Naruto already knew that they'd be finding Tsunade soon, so relaxed a bit. And as luck would have it.

"Hey brat, let's just eat dinner here." Jiraiya said. "We'll continue looking tomorrow."

Naruto shrugged as he followed his sensei into the pub, knowing exactly who they'd find. Upon seeing her, Naruto couldn't help commenting. "Wow, if I hadn't already started going through puberty, she'd have definitely done the trick."

"Am I the only one who finds it ironic that you found her as soon as you actually stopped looking for her." NB asked.

888

For a pub, the food was actually very good. They ate almost in silence, but the slight glares and glances that the two S-rank ninja kept sending each other screamed sexual tension, even if one would deny it to her grave. Finally, the Legendary Sucker could stand it no longer.

"Why did you come looking for me, Jiraiya?" Tsunade asked. "The last time we met you said that you'd leave me alone, and stop stalking me."

"Well, the Hokage has requested that your return to Konoha to become the Godaime Hokage." Jiraiya said. "Sensei was adamant that you succeed him since the gaki here isn't ready."

"So he asked you, but you decided to pawn the job off onto me after promising to bring me back." Tsunade interjected.

"Well, you _are_ the best person for the job." Jiraiya didn't even bother correcting her, as both knew that was the most likely story. "We both know I'm not the administration type, and I've also got a spy network to run."

"I decline."

"I see." Jiraiya stared at her intently. "So what should I tell sensei?"

What followed was a rather irritating spiel from a bitter old woman decrying the people who'd sacrificed their lives for their village. Calling them fools for gambling with their lives as opposed to money which was inconsequential; though how she could call a gambling debt as large as hers inconsequential was beyond him. Decrying everything her grandfather and great uncle believed in and fought for, as well as the Yondaime. It really was sad to see how jaded she'd become, and after seeing how great she was as the Hokage, Naruto had forgotten how bad she'd been beforehand. By the time she'd finished, Naruto decided that she no longer deserved tact, what she needed was a very rude awakening.

"Hokage is a thankless job, and a death sentence." Tsunade finally finished.

"So is being a ninja in general." Naruto said, fed up. "The odds are just stacked more heavily in your favor given your S ranking."

"Why would I want to die for a village that took everything from me?" Naruto knew that she was going to do this, but even still he was starting to get angry.

"Unlike you, _hime_, when I took my oath as a shinobi of Konoha, I wasn't just blowing smoke out of an amazingly gorgeous ass;" Naruto stood, ignoring Jiraiya's comment in the affirmative regarding Tsunade's ass. "-I actually meant every word of it. Let's get out of here, Ero-Sennin. I know you don't want to be promoted, but I don't think she's even Hokage material anymore, and having her will probably make us the laughing stock of the Elemental Nations."

"What are you talking about?" Shizune protested. "This is Tsunade Senju, grandddaughter of the Shodai Hokage and great niece of the Nidaime."

"Yeah, and if it weren't for dad pissing off an entire country, and then dying on me, my surname would be Namikaze, so don't try and pull that pedigree card." Naruto spat, thankful fir Jiraiya's privacy seal protecting their table from eavesdropping. "Not only that, but my mother was an Uzumaki, and blood related to her grandfather's wife; or did you forget that Mito Uzumaki had a twin sister (1)?"

"Well she's still one of the Densetsu no Sannin, and the greatest medic in the world." The dark haired woman said. "She earned those titles, and I think she'd make a great Hokage." Naruto decided not to burst the woman's bubble by revealing he knew exactly how the Sannin got their title, and who gave it to them.

Oh the secrets you could get from Tsunade with a bottle of the good stuff. She'd once gotten so drunk, she'd given him explicit instructions on how one could get themselves a hot night with her. This included exactly how to weaken her resistence and make her suseptable to seduction, exactly how to seduce her and turn her on enough to make her want to sleep with you, and even how to make her have a squirting orgasm once you got her in bed with you. She'd almost revealed to him exactly how to make her come back for more, but Shizune had interrupted with the afternoon paperwork, and hit her with a medical jutsu she'd created specifically for Tsunade that would sober her up to only slightly buzzed, rather than completely pissed.

It was kind of odd knowing that he could bang this woman anytime he wanted, and that she'd in fact given him the step by step details of exactly how to go about doing it. Not that he'd ever use that knowledge or anything, although he always was curious about the fact she'd stressed the weak spot in her neck, and then a couple days later given him an ongoing C-rank of daily neck and shoulder rubs after her workday ended. Come to think of it, that drunken confession came less than a week after he'd fearfully confessed that Ero-Sennin had forced him to learn some of his pervy techniques for counter-seduction purposes after an incident involving a randy princess in Yu no Kuni (2).

He'd never have even told her in the first place, but he'd been desperate to get out of resistence training with Anko. In his defense though, the frighteningly lecherous looks she'd been giving him, along with the comments about whips and chains, were more than enough to admit to his not needing it. Shaking his head of naughty thoughts about Tsunade, Naruto glared at the brunette. Past and Future Tsunade may have been all kinds of awesome, and her jutsu may have made her look very hot, but she was still an old hag.

"Yeah, and?" Naruto countered. "Tsunade is an alcoholic gambling addict, Orochimaru is a wanted criminal, and Jiraiya is an unrepentant super pervert who spends his days writing porn. Sure, at one time that name may have meant something, but now it means almost nothing aside from scaring the average shinobi into not challenging you. And at one time Tsunade may have been a Legendary shinobi, possibly the greatest medic ever, and probably a great choice for Hokage, but that time has apparently passed. Now all I see is an empty shell of Tsunade Senju. A sorry hemophobic who spends all of her time drinking, gambling, and wasting her talents and all the time the Sandaime spent training her. About the only things still great about her nowadays are her tits." The sake cup in Tsunade's hand shattered, and Jiraiya tensed to step in front of the savage beating that he could almost sense was coming.

"You want to say that again, gaki?" Tsunade's voice was filled with menace.

"Not really, since your reaction makes it plain that you heard me quite clearly." Naruto said, heading towards the pub door. "And for the record, you're not the only one whose lost their entire family to the shinobi profession, but unlike some people, I decided not to be a whiny bitch about it."

Naruto could feel the woman's glare on his back as he left the bar, but couldn't help smiling. He'd finally gotten to say what he'd been feeling at the time. The problem was, the first time around he'd been too young, too immature, and too angry at her words to properly articulate his opinion. With his knowledge of the future, it only made his words that much more damning to the woman if she managed to get past her anger enough to really think about what he said.

The pair were barely ten meters away from the front door of the pub when an angry voice yelled. "Who the hell do you think you are, gaki."

Naruto turned, and fearlessly met her stare. "I'm the person who finally decided to call you on your bullshit. After all, we both know the only reason you're so pissed off is because you know I'm right."

"Oh, and what makes you think that?" Tsunade challenged.

"Judging from the bottles at your table when we sat down, I'd guess you were tipsy enough that had I been full of it, you'd have just ignored me like you probably have countless others who've tried to egg you on." Naruto said.

Tsunade glared at him for a few seconds more, before turning and walking away.

888

The next evening, the quartet again found themselves at the same pub sharing a table. Grinning to himself at the frowning blonde, Naruto spoke.

"So, have you given any thought to what I said last night?"

"What does it matter to you, gaki?" Tsunade spat, sipping from a saucer.

"Well, Konoha does still need a Hokage." He answered shrugging.

"Oh, I thought I was just an alcoholic gambling addict." Tsunade retorted. "An empty shell wasting her talents."

"Truthfully, I'm not all that impressed with what I've seen of you." Naruto answered truthfully, earning him a scowl. "Still, jiji and the pervert think you're the person for the job, so I'll trust that they know what they're talking about for now."

"Hmph, my answer is still no."

Naruto adopted a thinking pose, pretending to contemplate several options, before meeting her eyes. "How about I make you a bet?"

"Oh?" Noticing the small, familiar gleam in the woman's eyes, Naruto pounced.

"Yes, a little bet." Naruto said. "You see, Ero-Sennin has been teaching me the Rasengan, and we've got a little bet going. See, when I started working on the third stage, I told him that I'd have the Rasengan mastered by the end of the week. He bet me that I wouldn't. You want in?"

"Okay, what are the terms?" Tsunade asked, knowing she had this bet in the bag. Even Jiraiya had taken almost two months to get the third stage down. It was very lucky that Tsunade was distracted by the idea of a huge bet, and Shizune was distracted by her mentor's sudden change in the face of a bet. This meant that both women missed Jiraiya's reaction, and the evidence that he'd known nothing about such a bet. Besides, Naruto already could do the Rasengan, and had been able to for almost a month.

"If you win, I'll give you the contents of this." Naruto pulled out Gama-chan, and waved him like a red flag at a bull. "Second, I'll share two seals with you that I got from my clan scroll that will not only increase your lifespan, but it will negate about half the damage your regeneration jutsu has done to you. That way, you won't have to use that jutsu to look young anymore. It was how the Uzumaki extended the lives, and strengthened the physical dispositions of their non-Uzumaki spouses."

"Naruto, how did you get a hold of your clan scroll?" Jiraiya asked. Last he'd heard, it had been destroyed.

"Plothole." Naruto replied.

Jiraiya just nodded. Kushina had once used that excuse when Minato had asked her how she'd gotten pregnant with his child when she'd been recovering from a Kyuubi chakra OD that had left her temporarily sterile. Come to think of it, his sensei had told him that Tobirama had told his team about a conversation he'd overheard between Hashirama and Mito, in which she'd used that very excuse when asked how she'd sealed the Kyuubi into herself without suffering any ill effects when it was supposed to be impossible for someone to do so past a certain age. If anyone had thought to ask, they'd find that the Rikudou Sennin had used the same excuse when baby Rokubi asked him how he'd been able to split the Juubi into the nine Biju.

This also meant that he was going to be having a long conversation with both Naruto and his sensei when they got back to Konoha. If Kushina had managed to save the Uzumaki scroll, and Naruto was now in possession of it, then that could be both a boon, and a disaster. It would certainly be good, because the Uzumaki Jujutsu had been in a class of its own, and having them benefitting Konoha was a plus. There was also the fact that those same techniques had resulted in Kumo and Kiri collectively seeking their destruction. If word got out that the Uzumaki Jujutsu wasn't lost, but had in fact found its way into Konoha's hands, well that would likely result in catastrophe. Konoha was already hailed as the strongest of the Great Five, but with the Uzumaki Clan scroll in their hands, they would immediately be deemed a threat worth the loss of resources to remove from play.

Jiraiy found himself brought from his morbid introspection when Tsunade finally reacted to Naruto's proposal.

"Interesting," Tsunade said, ignoring the byplay of teacher and student, trying to hold back the drool at the thought of near permanent youth, and what looked to be enough cash for a nice gambling binder.

Still, before agreeing, it was always best to find out what you'd be forced into if you lost. She'd learned that lesson when she'd gotten conned into being the entertainment for Minato's bachelor party; and she was still trying to figure out how Kushina had tricked her into that threesome with Minato afterwards. Although it's rare you'll find a woman who happily volunteers to be one of the 'strippers' at their own fiance's bachelor party, Kushina did, and it was a brilliant strategy. After an obscenely erotic lapdance like the one the girl had given Minato, the chances of a husband even looking at another woman were slim to none. Of course, afterwards... Damn it, the Senju were very close- i.e. kissing- cousins with the Uzumaki, and her grandmother was one, why hadn't she ever developed those unusually potent powers of persuasion.

"What do you get out of this, gaki?"

"If I win, then first of all, you become Hokage." Naruto said. "And you do the job correctly, not botch it out of spite." Tsunade glared.

"If I _were_ to take the job, I wouldn't screw it up." Tsunade said. "I can be just as vindictive as the next person when the mood strikes me, but I wouldn't intentionally screw something like that up."

"Okay, the second condition, and this one's the kicker," Naruto started. "If I win, then either you or your delectable apprentice has to join my harem and bear me a child." Naruto braced himself for the beating he knew was coming; and unlike Sakura, Tsunade was strong enough that her hits still actually hurt.

888

As Naruto awoke and found himself being healed by Shizune- who was giving him a very annoyed look- he grumbled.

"You'd think she would have taken that better. Especially with how much she's always wanted to be a mother, or at the very least something like a grandkid to spoil." Shizune expressed her displeasure at the comment. "Ow."

"While I don't believe Tsunade-sama should have beaten you so badly, I can't say I blame her." The Medic told him. "That condition was quite rude, and presumptuous of you."

"Judging from your continued annoyance, I'm going to go out on a limb, and guess that she still accepted the bet." Shizune's glare was confirmation. "Crap, I was hoping that she'd decline, and I could repropose the bet without the second condition."

"Why not just do that in the first place?" Shizune asked him.

"I had to get her attention, and it had to be something high stakes or she wouldn't have even considered it." Naruto said.

Shizune gave him a shocked look, having pegged her mistress so thoroughly...then she blushed at the implications that phrase had, especially when considered in conjunction with the bet. Shizune shook her head. No, not this time. This time, if her mistress lost this bet, she was facing the consequences on her own. She'd gotten her fill of sharing the punishment the last time Tsunade lost a bet, and she'd been forced to work at a gentlemen's club as one of the nude dancers. While she'd been lucky enough to get waitressing duties, and sure, they- well, mostly Tsunade-sama, at least- had made enough tips to pay off a sizable chunk of her mentor's debt, it was still a humiliating experience, especially with the outfit she'd been forced to wear.

"Ne, Shizune-san, could I ask you a question?"

"Depends on what it is." She answered.

"Well, I was wondering how she dealt with her monthlies being such a hemophobic?" Shizune was tempted to bash the boy she'd just spent an hour healing, then thought better of it. Not only would it have meant she'd wasted an hour of her time and a lot of chakra for nothing, but it was actually a good- if rude- question.

"I think Tsunade-sama's issues stemmed from seeing someone else bleeding." Shizune guessed.

"Fair enough."

888888

Naruto was getting frustrated. It had been two days since he'd perfected his Rasengan, and yet even with a few hundred clones working on it, the best he'd been able to accomplish on the Fuuton: Rasengan was using his left hand to add his nature element. Maybe he just needed to take a break, and allow his mind to wander before coming back to it. Shrugging, he reached into his equipment pouch, and pulled out a scroll. Opening it, he counted down to number five, and swiped a bit of blood and chakra over the seal. With a puff of smoke, the massive Uzumaki Clan scroll appeared, and fell to the bed. Opening it up, he decided to find something else to do.

It didn't take long for Naruto to find something interesting to occupy his attention. A random storage seal that he hadn't noticed previously was disguised inside of a line break between two really odd seals. Naruto found it interesting how the Uzumaki seal was set up. Rather than having the jutsu listed like the Forbidden Scroll- the copy of which he reminded himself he really needed to look through- there was a blood based storage seal, along with the Fuinjutu's name, and a short description of its purpose. Popping the unlabeled seal, Naruto found himself again shocked when another scroll- one nearly as large as the one he currently had open- appeared.

Rarely one to contain his curiosity, Naruto opened it, and his jaw nearly hit the floor as he unrolled it. Signature after signature, all surnamed Uzumaki, and in a familiar format. Naruto couldn't believe it, but in his hands he actually had a Summoning Contract. The question was, what were they for, and how useful were they? He already had toads, and they were very helpful in battle, but what would he be able to do with his family summons, and would they be able to work with the toads?

'_Well, only one way to find out,_' Naruto thought as he signed the contract. Once he'd finished, and restored the contract scroll, Naruto started the handseals, only to pause. The pervading question was how it was supposed to work. Did he have to focus on what he was summoning, and if so, how could he do that if he didn't know what he was summoning? Shrugging, he just decided to focus on not summoning toads, and hoped luck worked in his favor.

Three seals later, Naruto slammed his hand into the ground. He couldn't see what it was he'd summoned, only that it was small, about the size of Gamakichi. Whatever it was, it sniffed the air, and then turned straight in his direction. Then, faster than he'd ever considered tracking anything the little creature leapt at him, and practically tackled him to the floor, and gave him what amounted to a hug while repeatedly squealing 'yes'. Upon getting his first good look at the creature, he thought it might be a Weasel summon of some kind, given that it favored Temari's summon. Upon taking a closer look, he realized it was close, but not quite. Focusing back on the creature, he caught the tail end of what it was saying.

"...finally, another Uzumaki." The creature said. "Do you have any idea how boring its been without you guys around to summon us? I can't wait to tell uncle that we have a new summoner."

"Wait, what are you?" Naruto asked. "And who are you?"

"Me, I'm Mangusutachi." It answered. "I'm a member of the Noble Mongoose Clan; we've been the personal summons for the Uzumaki Clan for almost as long as they've been producing ninja...or at least we were until we heard they got eliminated. But now you're back, and that means we're back, and we can finally get some action instead of just training for it. Um, who are you again, you don't look like any Uzumaki I've ever seen?"

'_Wow, it's kind of surreal to see a mongoose doing Willow babble._' NB thought.

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki, my mom was Kushina," Naruto grinned at the fanatical sparkle that entered the creatures eyes. Apparently it knew his mother. "-and my dad's side had some really strong genes. As for being back, I'm sorry, but right now it's just me. I've got a couple girlfriends who I hope will help me remedy that in the future, but for now it's just me, unless they're allowed to sign."

"I don't know, I'd have to ask." Mangusutachi murmured. "Well, at least we have one back, so we at least have somewhere to start. Anyway, I'm gonna go tell my uncle we're back in business, see ya."

A grin on his face, Naruto felt that getting a new summon had been enough of a pleasant distraction from his frustrating lack of success, and now he could start working again. Sadly, he wouldn't get much further for quite some time.

888888

Kabuto didn't know how things had gone so badly so quickly, but he did know that they were very bad. It was a fairly simple plan. He would deal with Tsunade's attendant while Orochimaru-sama met with Tsunade to get his pelvis properly fixed. Kabuto was an excellent medic, he knew this, but the damage that his master had suffered was beyond his skill, and somehow resisting all of his attempts at full recovery. As it stood, his hips were now as prone to going out as the Tsuchikage's were, and much more frequently. Thus was Orochimaru's plan was to offer Tsunade the return of her brother and lover to heal his pelvis bone. Unfortunately, the plan had not taken into account Jiraiya and Naruto-kun arriving in Tanzaku Gai during the week she'd been given to decide.

Still, with Jiraiya having gone with Tsunade- a fact that he learned from the conversation the woman and brat were having- that left her attendant, Naruto-kun, and the pig at his mercy. He hadn't thought it would take him long to dispatch both the woman or Naruto, and it had been his mistake to underestimate them. That was it, that was how things had gone so badly.

As Tsunade's apprentice, he should have expected at least a Jounin level threat; probably even higher considering what he knew of Jiraiya's first apprentice and his own skill level. She was very skilled with medical jutsu, and like himself, capable of quickly healing injuries immediately upon receiving them. She was also very good with poisons. That poison mist of hers would have killed him with even just a small sniff, meaning her tolerance for poisons must either equal or exceed even Orochimaru-sama. And that was on top of all of the different places she kept shooting those poisoned senbon from. Kabuto grinned at the chance to get her on a medical table, especially so he could figure out how she was capable of imbuing weapons with poison like some shinobi could do with chakra.

Even still, his skill was greater than hers, so she shouldn't have been a problem, and with Naruto's supposed lack of skill it would be child's play to exploit her trying to protect the boy. Apparently, the two of them working together, her having more skill than he'd assumed, and him not being a hundred percent had really worked against him. If it hadn't been for a combination of his Inyu Shometsu, Shikon no Jutsu, and Shousen Jutsu, he'd have been dead after being hit with that staff the Sandaime threw at him. As it was, he was suffering from pain in his abdomen- further aggravated by a few lucky shots from Uzumaki that packed far more punch than they should have- and his injuries still hadn't completely healed, and this was making it more than a little difficult to defend himself.

He'd quickly retreated to his master, only to find that two on one, even his status as the Genius of the Sannin couldn't help him against both of his former teamtes. As he gingerly avoided the dual attack from the dark haired girl, and the Uzumaki brat, Kabuto knew that if things didn't change quickly, he was going to be done for. That fortunate change came when Orochimaru, seeing that he would be quickly overwhelmed by his two former teammates, decided to exploit Tsunade's weakness. Just as before, Tsunade had frozen up, and started shaking in fear, forcing Jiraiya to leave himself open while trying to protect her.

He was a little shocked when the woman- Shizune- abandoned the fight to retrieve her lady from Jiraiya, leaving Naruto to face him alone, but he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Unfortunately, the advantages weren't as great as he would have predicted, what with Naruto and Jiraiya being a lot more skilled than their previous intel had revealed. Apparently, Jiraiya hadn't been slacking during his years as a smut author, the fact that he'd been able to discover their invasion plans was proof of that. It seems he'd made the mistake of clumping all of the Sannin together. Tsunade, while still easily S-ranked, had fallen from where she'd once been. Orochimaru-sama, while not deteriorating, hadn't improved, but stagnated. Jiraiya, on the other hand, seemed to have actually improved as a ninja, and reached even greater heights than he'd been before. Unfortunately, his master was still thinking of him in terms of the bafoon he'd casually defeated when they'd last fought.

As for Naruto...everything he had on Naruto seemed to be wrong. His initial stats stated the boy to be the last in his class, with only the Kage Bunshin to his credit. Even then, that was only because of the fox, and he didn't even seem to know how to use them properly. The fight in the forest, and his match against the Inuzuka had revealed several holes in their intel according to Orochimaru-sama, and his match against Neji revealed even more. It was almost like the boy had been hiding his true abilities even better than he himself was. His impact on the invasion made their intel completely useless, and it seemed that his rate of growth rendered any and all information gathered about him moot within days.

Rather than just attacking randomly, the boy had been using his clones to test his defenses, and gauge his abilites; a fact that he figured out too late. The way he used them as decoys and feints for attacks, and the fact that he didn't just hang back, but sometimes even led the feinting attack to get close to him spoke of a strategic mind that didn't fit with what he knew of the boy. It would seem that Kakashi had trained him better than expected.

It would also seem that he would have to take Naruto seriously before the brat got a lucky shot in. Then he could go and help Orochimaru deal with his former teammate. If Jiraiya was going all out, then Orochimaru would certainly be hard-pressed to defeat him. Sadly, this introspective contemplation would spell Kabuto's undoing. That single moment of inattention gave Naruto the time to spring his trap.

Kabuto smirked as a group of blonds attacked him. Deciding not to show any more mercy to them, he activated his chakra scapal, and quickly dealt with them all. His grin widened further when one of the clones he hit didn't disperse, but folded over his hand. It looked like he'd get his wish to get the fox brat on his experimentation table. Unfortunately, unlike regular clones, this type of clone could take hits like the original unless punctured or fatally wounded. Since the clone's face was pointed down, Kabuto didn't see the almost Kyuubi-like smirk on its face. As a matter of fact, he didn't even know how much danger he was in until he felt the spike of unstably dangerous fluctuating chakra. By then it was too late.

"Bunshin Bakuha." The clone intoned micromoments before it exploded.

Kabuto was only just able to dodge backwards enough that the fiery explosion didn't turn him to chunks, and the concussive blast didn't immediately kill him. It did, however, severely disorientate him and throw him off balance, which lead to his eventual fate.

The force of the blast aided Kabuto's backward movement, but took much of the control of said movement away from him. As he flew backwards, Naruto who was waiting underground, popped up and grasped his legs. The backwards momentum was halted abruptly, not only causing severe damage to his legs, but to much of his upper body as it kept moving, arcing until it hit the ground with a loud thud.

Kabuto slowly recovered from the collision with the ground, slightly disorientated from what he was sure was a concussion as a result of his head striking the ground. Sadly, his recovery was just in time to see an orange and black clad figure dropping from the sky, and to feel unimaginable pain in his torso as the person shouted. "Oodama Rasen Rengan!"

He only just had enough time and energy to lift his right arm- hand glowing with the chakra of a chakra scapal- and let gravity bring the boy's chest into contact with it, even as the jutsu struck him. He knew that he was about to die, but an evil smile graced his feature knowing that at least he got the pleasure of killing the blond as well. Sadly, just before he expired, he saw the blond above him poof away in a cloud of smoke.

"Let's see you heal that." Naruto said, pulling himself out of the ground. After all, he'd split the traitor in two at the chest, there was no coming back from that, well, not without some severe help. Just to be sure though, Naruto unsealed a small ninjato he'd found when he'd gone spelunking in the Anbu Headquarters storage area, and chopped off the traitor's head. Then, deciding that maybe the T&I division or the medics might like to dissect the bastard, Naruto took out a scroll, and sealed the body away. It was because of this, that Naruto missed Orochimaru's reaction to his defeat of Kabuto.

Knowing that the boy would cause him more trouble if he was allowed to survive, Orochimaru changed targets, and charged at Naruto's back. Reversing his Sword Deepthroat no Jutsu until the blade of his Kusanagi was protruding from his mouth, he made to skewer Naruto in the back, right through the heart. Again, luck was on Naruto's side as Tsunade jumped in front of the attack, and again saved his life. When Tsunade gave her impassioned speech about being the Hokage, and protecting him, Naruto had to fight back a couple tears. Seeing and hearing it live was certainly much more moving and inspirational than just reading it in that manga of himself (2).

After punching him away- and Naruto was actually impressed with Orochimaru's durability as it hadn't broken his neck, or even unhinged his jaw- Tsunade released the seal on her forehead, and healed herself with her Creation Rebirth. With a glare, the snake reswallowed his sword- and boy did that look creepy and lewd- before wiping a bit of blood from his lip with his thumb, and swiping it along the tattoo on his arm. Having both seen what he was doing, both Jiraiya and Tsunade acquired their own blood sacrifices from recent injuries, before running through the requisite seals.

At the same time, three voices yelled. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

In a massive puff of smoke, Manda, Katsuyu, and Gamabunta appeared. Spying where he was, and who was present, Gamabunta spoke. "Orochimaru and Manda, Katsuyu and Tsunade, is this some kind of reunion?"

"This isn't the time to crack jokes, 'Bunta." Jiraiya said, seriously. "I called you here to settle and old debt. We're going to deal with Orochimaru for good, this time."

As the three legendary shinobi squared off atop their summons- both groups serving threatening banter around- none of them noticed the boy on the ground who'd bit his thumb, and started sealing. Neither did they notice when said boy slammed his hand into the ground and called, "Kuchiyose no Jutsu: Mangu-su!". They did notice however, the two huge spikes of chakra; the first coming from the boy performing a boss summon, and the second from the massive creature that appeared from the smoke after being summoned.

"Well, well, well," A voice that sounded like Keith David sounded. "-what have we here?"

"Wait, whoa, what the fuck is he doing here?!" Manda yelled.

"According to my niece, we have a new summoner, Manda-chan." The massive mongoose said, his grin almost demented (3). "I've heard about you, and I've been waiting for the chance to see if you're a better challenge than your old man."

"Damn you Orochimaru, you said that damnable clan was dead." The snake yelled vehemently. "You promised that no one was left to summon that monster."

"I thought they were." He said, just as shocked as the other two sages and their summons.

"Well you thought fucking wrong." Manda growled. "If you ever summon me again, I'm going to wreck your shit, you fucking peophile!"

With that, Manda dispelled himself, and it was only a convenient tree line that kept Orochimaru from falling several stories to the ground; which would have been severely bad for his already messed up pelvis.

"Oh come on," He yelled, from the branch he was standing on. "-I'm not a pedophile."

"You gave a hickey to Sasuke."

"It was not a hickey," Orochimaru defended. "-it was a seal that grants my minions power that surpasses that of normal shinobi."

"Me thinks he doth protest too much." NB said. Naruto, however, continued his own argument.

"You bit Sasuke on the neck, and left a mark," Naruto informed him. "-everyone I've asked agrees this is pretty much the definition of a hickey."

"Kid's got a point." Jiraiya couldn't help adding fuel to the fire. He would, however, be discussing where Naruto found that summon contract. On second thought, he probably found it in the same plothole he'd gotten the Uzumaki scroll from, so he'd just add this to the list of topics for his talk with sensei and Naruto about the consequences of this Uzumaki heritage being found.

"Well, since the giant worm ran off, I guess I can go back home." The giant mongoose said. "By the way, you can call me Riki (4), and I'll see you around. Don't be a stranger."

After Naruto hopped over to the top of Gamabunta's head, Riki vanished, and the other two legendary ninja faced their wayward teammate. What followed was a beating of great proportions; Tsunade bringing the pain, while Jiraiya and the brat egged her on like a cheerleader...just like during their first Chuunin Exam. Orochimaru finally found out what it felt like to be on the receiving end of a pissed off Tsunade rampage, and gained an appreciation for how sturdy his former teammate was considering he was still highly intelligent and functional after suffering so many of them over the years. He also had to admit that Jiraiya was right about seeing all the movement in Tsunade's top being a bit of a consolation prize to the beating.

After slithering away to escape, Orochimaru ensured that he was safely alone, before using his Body Replacement jutsu to erase the damage from Tsunade's beating. Orochimaru should consider himself lucky that he was alone while he did so, because shedding his skin looked a lot like a curvy woman shimmying out of her little black dress after a night out. Had anyone seen it, it would have only served to further damage Orochimaru's argument that he looked anything but manly when he used it.

Fully healed- though he did still have an ache in his assbone- he reached into his pocket, and pulled out his 'Wicked Plan' cheat sheet data book to see what he was supposed to do.

'_Contingencies for losing to Tsunade, contingencies for losing to Tsunade, here we are._' Orochimaru thought. '_Let's see, in the event I am somehow defeated by Tsunade, retreat to Oto with Kabuto to begin transfer to new body, and send the Sound 4 after Sasuke-kun._'

"Wait, what am I supposed to do if I lose Kabuto as well?" Orochimaru kept reading, before sighing in relief when he found he'd planned for that as well. "Here we are; unseal Kabuto clone."

As he read his former #2's assessment of his clones, he frowned at a particular line. While they'd retained all of the medic's chakra, medical knowledge, and medical skill, it was very much like a water clone in that it only had about ten percent of it's battle effectiveness, prowess, and potential. Well, he only really needed the clone for its medical abilities for now. He'd be getting Sasuke soon enough so it didn't matter if he didn't have a strong assistant as he'd soon be getting the perfect vessel.

888888

_**Past blurs away like a drunks vision, Present Tsunade, Shizune, Naruto, and Jiraiya walking along Konoha road appears in a swirl of sake bottles...much to the embarrassment of the one who emptied them**_

As Naruto returned from his flashback, his eyes again slid over his travel companions, pausing at Tsunade whose sulk had turned into a slightly evil grin. When she sensed him looking at her, she gave him a smirk and wagged her brows, causing the blond to blush. Upon finding out that he'd been capable of fully creating a Rasengan for almost two months, she'd decided to get him back for the underhanded trick by showing that she did have some Uzumaki blood in her. After he'd told her he wasn't going to hold her to the bet, she'd sat crossways on his lap with crossed legs and a sultry pout. What had followed was a fair amount of seductive teasing, which she was very good at. Her asking if he was sure he didn't want a mature, experienced woman at his beck and call while hugging him, and smothering his face into her bosom was causing him all kinds of biological issues.

It wasn't until he'd had an understandibly male response to her actions that she smirked, bragged that even as an old braud she still had it, and stood up from the embarrassed teen's lap. As she headed out the door to the room she and Shizune were sharing- her two new favorite fuinjutsu in hand- she fist grounded the bloody nosed, furiously giggling and scribbling Jiraiya as she passed him. Given that he was far too engrossed in his work to recognize the danger he was in, he never saw it coming. Looking back, her prank was funny as hell; but at the time, he'd needed a cold shower, and several moments to convince himself he hadn't betrayed his girls.

Almost twenty minutes after the quartet passed through the village gates- Tsunade had decided to take her sweet time getting there- Naruto found himself in the middle of a debriefing. Naruto blushed a bit at the last time he'd been in a debriefing that had involved Tsunade and Shizune. He'd almost been literally de-briefed by Anko when he'd tried to quickly get out of Resistance Training with the special Jounin by explaining in detail the training he'd already gotten from Jiraiya. Thankfully, there was little to no risk of that happening this time.

Still, the meeting was enlightening for all involved. For Sarutobi, learning that Naruto had killed a traitor who had easily been Jounin level, brought a sense of pride to him. That he'd also somehow rediscovered not only the Uzumaki Clan Jujutsu scroll, but the clan's fabled Summoning Contract as well, was both great news and worrisome. He was highly amused that Naruto had been the one to coax Tsunade back to become Hokage by using her greatest vice against her. Naruto's personality and morals had made him what Danzo called a non-ideal shinobi, but they both agreed that he still got results despite this.

On the flip side, the four travellors got some interesting shocks of their own. Naruto learned that during his absence, several shinobi had come forward recommending him for promotion due to his actions during the invasion, and that his case was under review. He also learned that regardless of whether he got promoted, he would be receiving honors for his exceptional help during the fighting. He- along with Haku, Hinata, Neji, Tenten, Lee, fem!Gaara, Sakura, and Sasuke- had earned special commendations for what he'd done.

Sadly, he'd missed the original awards presentation because he wasn't there when the Daimyo presented them during his visit the past month to check the status of Konoha after the invasion. Naruto's award- as well as promotion if that were the case- would be presented in a special ceremony with the Council of Elders and Shinobi Clan Heads later in the week. Naruto smiled when he was told that he was allowed to invite a few people to his ceremony. Naruto already knew who he wanted there, and within short order the Hokage had Anbu sending invitations to Haku, Hinata, Iruka, Ayame, and Teuchi.

888

Naruto sighed as he was once again given a quick kiss by his eldest girlfriend, and shooed out of the Konoha Hospital Pediatric Wing; though with very good reason. Given that he was something of a hero to the kids at the academy and in general now, everyone wanted to meet him, and some of the patients weren't in any condition to be trying to meet him without aggravating injuries or illnesses- not that they cared. He was also disappointed with how many hours she was putting in, but had to admit that she was extremely valuable to them. The moving ice sculptures she was capable of making often served as potent distractions to children who needed shots or were having blood drawn. Not only that, but she really did love her job; he just hoped she didn't overwork herself.

The only thing that kept him from pouting at the dismissal, was that she had several days off coming up when she got off that evening. She had also told him she planned to spend the entirety of the first day just relaxing, snuggled next to him. She only planned to leave his side to eat and use the restroom allowing for plenty of quality together time; though he suspected at least half of that she would be spending catching up on sleep. With his quality time with Haku having to wait a day, Naruto headed in the direction of the Hyuuga compound. He just hoped Hinata wasn't with her team, or away on a mission or something.

To his surprise, Naruto found himself welcomed quite warmly by a Branch member at the Hyuuga home; or at least what would qualify as warm for a Hyuuga. The young man bowed, and immediately waved him through, before directing him to the training dojo where Hinata was just finishing up her morning exercises with her cousin. He would have asked how the boy knew, but the veins around his eyes gave him that information. Naruto couldn't help lament all of the potential uses of the Byakugan that were wasted because the Hyuuga had been so damned snobby and stuffy. The uses in medicine alone should have beeen enough for them to have considered branching out beyond their taijutsu style. Hopefully his defeat of Neji would spur them to inovation.

As Naruto was led to the dojo that currently held his youngest love, they passed an opulently beautiful garden that had been a decade long pet project of Hinata's mother's before her passing. Before becoming a shinobi, Hinata had spent a lot of time in the garden helping to keep it as grand as it was. As his gaze swept over the amazing floral arrangement, his eyes alighted upon a strange sight. Three men sitting on the stone benches surrounding the central waterfall. Now it wasn't all that rare to see Hizashi and Hiashi sitting there relaxing and talking amongst themselves (even their heated debates were done calmly), but the addition of Zabuza Momochi made the scene just a bit surreal.

Shaking his head, Naruto moved on before he got one of those headaches Jiraiya got when thinking about the Uzumaki plotholes. Soon, they'd reached the dojo, and when they entered, it was to find Neji and Hinata sitting cross-legged and quite stiffly, facing away from them. From what Naruto could see, it looked like they were meditating. After a few moments, his guide cleared his throat.

"Ahem, Neji-sama, Hinata-sama has a visitor."

The postures of the sitting pair visibly relaxed, before Hinata turned her head to see who had come to see her. Upon finding the grinning face of her boyfriend, she leapt to her feet, and the soft thumps of her quickly crossing the room sounded before she flew into his open arms. Hinata's just a bit slighter frame collided with his in a near tackle-like hug. Normally, the sudden impact and weight from such a leaping hug would have knocked a person off balance a bit, causing them to stumble. Luckily, Naruto was not normal. Much to the delight of the exceedingly happy bluenette, she found herself picked up, kissed, and spun around in a circle by her grinning boyfriend. Hinata's only response was to squeal happily, and hold him tighter.

Naruto had noticed that Hinata seemed to be alot more physically affectionate than Haku was. She was very rarely not hugging him, holding his hand, or not touching him when they were together and unoccupied by other things. It was the same with him, and something they both had in common given their upbringings. Naruto had grown up alone, and always craved the physical attention and affection he'd seen parents give their children, or family members give each other. Hiashi had always been emotionally distant towards his daughter- something that being a Hyuuga and Clan Head had forced upon him- and Hinata had once told him that until Kurenai-sensei had done so, she hadn't been hugged once since her mother had passed.

After another soft kiss to Hinata, and a nose bump that earned him a cute blush and radiant smile, he set her on her feet, and turned to the other occupant of the room...and his eyes widened in shock.

"Hello Naruto-san, welcome home." The low, husky voice turned Naruto's shock to horror at his carelessness.

"Crap, Neji, did I forget to tell you how to get rid of that? How could I have been so careless?" As Naruto was building up a head of steam in his self-depricating rant, Neji gave Hinata a raised brow and a sigh. Blushing lightly, Hinata cupped Naruto's cheek, and gently pressed her lips to his.

"Hush Naruto-kun, and let Neji-nee speak." She said, getting an immediate reaction from Naruto.

"Relax Naruto, you explained things to me." Neji placated.

"Okay, what exactly did I tell you?" Naruto asked, wanting to be sure he had no part in this after all.

"That it would last for a week, and that after that point, I could easily dispel the transformation like a Henge." Neji explained. "You also explained that should I allow the jutsu to remain for a month, I would likely start menstruating, and that at that point there would be no chance for me to turn back.

"Okay, so how come you're still a girl?" He didn't really want to know, but he knew his curiosity would nag him later.

"Being a girl has been much more freeing, and given my new outlook on life, maybe a new appearance would help facilitate this new start. Not to mention, it makes spending time with Hinata and Hanabi much easier as we now have more in common. By the time the initial week was up, I'd found that I preferred the new me, so decided to stay this way."

"Oh, okay, whatever works for you." Naruto said. "Just to be sure though, you're not planning to, you know...not that there's anything wrong with you being...and since you're a girl, it technically wouldn't be any more...but seriously..."

"Do not worry, Naruto-san, I have no intention of joining your harem." Neji said, giving him a beautiful smile. Naruto breathed a huge sigh of relief, earning him amused reactions from all three Hyuuga.

"Right then, quick question." Naruto said. "I noticed Zabuza sitting in the garden with your dads like they were having a club meeting or something, what's up with that?"

Seeing her cousin's sigh of exasperation, Hinata decided to spare her having to explain it. "Uncle Hizashi and Zabuza have become good friends, as both are able to relate with each other after having their sons permanently turned into daughters. Zabuza-san is mentoring uncle on ways to more easily come to terms with it."

Out in the garden, Naruto's presense hadn't been missed, even if they were thoroughly engrossed in their discussion. Hizashi gave one look at the blond, and gave a shudder. That was one brat that they'd made a serious mistake in prejudging and underestimating. Seeing the reaction, Zabuza smirked.

"Just be glad that the gaki isn't likely to claim your new daughter for his own." He grumbled, causing the older man to relax quite a bit.

"You're right," Hizashi said, very thankful for that fact. "-but my daughter has not changed her sexual preference, so she's decided to be a lesbian."

Being complete unhelpful, as big brothers are want to do sometimes, Hiashi replied. "Well, luckily she's not the first lesbian our clan has seen."

Sending a frown at his brother, Hizashi replied. "Hinata doesn't count, Hiashi, as she still has a male betrothed, and you will still be able to be a grandfather through her."

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Later that evening, Naruto and his loves were having another chaperoned sleep over. This time, though, they didn't have to worry about Iruka and Anko doing things that might keep them up at night. As the trio snuggled on his couch, Naruto told Hinata and Haku about his mission. Both Haku and Hinata were suitably worried about learning that nine S-rank shinobi were wanting to capture Naruto and rip the Kyuubi out of him. They didn't know why, or what might happen afterwards, but they knew that it wouldn't be good for them, nor especially for Naruto.

When he got to the part about his bet with Tsunade, he noticed both Hinata and Haku blush. When he asked what that was about, neither would say anything, so Naruto just shrugged. When he told them about how he'd won, and what Tsunade had done in retaliation, they blushed again, much harder this time. Knowing that they probably wouldn't tell him, he went on. He went on to inform them that he didn't hold her to the bet, nor had he ever had any intention to; his main reason being his promise to them about any new girls having to have their acceptance if there ever were any. This earned him tighter hugs than the ones they were giving him as they cuddled. His admission that he didn't really want or need anyone but them earned him firmer hugs, and happy kisses from both.

Once he finished his tale, they told him about how things had gone since he'd been gone, which wasn't much except for the new defectee. Haku told him how she had met her first during her medical exam, and had been surprised at how friendly, open, and free with information the girl was. Upon introducing the redhead to Hinata, they'd immediately become fast friends. Unseen to the women who Naruto was determined would be his wives, Naruto frowned. There was something about that that seemed incredibly suspicious. Not in a malevolent way like the Akatsuki or Orochimaru, but more like when Sakura confessed that she loved him in his last life, and he had to call her on the bullshit.

He really hoped Haku and Hinata's new friend wasn't foreshadowing something weird that NB was cooking up.

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A few days later found Naruto once again standing in the middle of the arena used for the Chuunin Exam finals. This time he was standing in front of the Sandaime Hokage while his family, The Clan Heads, and all of the active Chuunin and Jounin of Konoha in the village at that time were in the stands looking on. When Sarutobi-ji cleared his throat, Naruto and everyone else gave him their full attention.

"A Genin's job during an invasion has always been to escort the civilian populace to the safety of the monument." Sarutobi began. "With his abundant use of teams of Kage Bunshin, Naruto facilitated an evacuation plan that cut the normal time by more than half. This allowed our forces to more quickly engage our counter-strike, resulting in much decreased damage to the village, and loss of lives. On top of this, Naruto displayed great courage and valor when he went above and beyond the call of duty, by helping to keep the attackers at bay prior to, and drive them away during, the counter-offensive. Not since the Yondaime during the Third Shinobi World War has a single shinobi had such a major impact on a single battle's outcome. For your efforts, I'm proud to award you this medal of valor."

"T-thank you, sir." Naruto stammered as he received applause from the viewers. While Naruto knew this was coming, and was proud of being able to help his village like he had, he was still getting used to such open acceptance. Sarutobi allowed the applause to linger a bit, before he called for quiet, and continued.

"Naruto Uzumaki, while you showed an abundance of skill and knowledge during the Chuunin Exams, many of the judges felt that your...antics, in regards to your opponents left your maturity in question, and for this I cannot promote you." Naruto shrugged, knowing it was the truth. "However, as mentioned before, in the defense of your village, you have consistently gone above and beyond the call of duty for one of your rank.

For your defeat of the traitor Mizuki, and the prevention of the theft of the Scroll of Seals, Chuunin Iruka Umino recommended you be field promoted to Genin. For your actions during the liberation of Wave from Gato Industries, Jounin Kakashi Hatake has recommended you for a field promotion to Chuunin. When called upon to defend the village from invaders, no one can deny the impact you had on the outcome. There are no less than forty recommendations from various Chuunin, Jounin, and Anbu for your promotion to Chuunin; and I must say that the exemplary leadership you showed while leading an army of Kage Bunshin in the evacuation of our innocents, and the determination you showed in helping your comrades is a true example of the Will of Fire.

Your actions during your latest mission have also resulted in promotion recommendations from Jounin Shizune Kato, Jiraiya of the Sannin, and Godaime Hokage Tsunade Senju. You have more than earned this rank, so it gives me great pleasure to hereby promote you to the rank of Chuunin."

"Thank you Hokage-sama." Naruto replied, taking the vest from the man who'd been like a grandfather to him.

"As my last act as the Hokage, it gives me great pleasure to present to you, Chuunin Naruto Uzumaki." Sarutobi said, before turning to Tsunade. "I believe the Godaime has decided to swear you in."

Naruto was surprised when Tsunade stepped forward, and couldn't help notice the absence of her necklace. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out the familiar necklace, and dangled it in front of his face.

"The last two times I gave this to someone, they died on me." Tsunade said, forcing back the sadness. "You remind me more of Dan and Nawaki than I ever thought someone possibly could. If I give you this necklace, you have to promise me two things. First, that you will become the Hokage."

"I will; and I promise I'll even do my best to make it so that I get the big hat from you." Naruto boasted, earning chuckles and smiles from various members of the audience.

"Second, I want you to promise that you won't die on me, too." Naruto's eyes saddened at the request, before taking on a steely glint.

"Promise of a lifetime, and I pity the fool who tries to make me break it." Naruto declared. The decidedly sinister chuckle and canine-like whimper in the back of his mind apparently made that statement a lot more literal.

With that, she placed the necklace around his neck, and leaned down to kiss him on the forehead. After that, Naruto was sworn in as a new Chuunin.

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"Dobe, there's a rumor going around that you defeated an A-rank Missing-nin by yourself." Sasuke said, ambushing Naruto outside his apartment one morning as he was headed to Ichirakus.

"Yeah, turns out that Genin Kabuto wasn't really a Genin." Naruto said. "He was a traitor, and Orochimaru's right hand man."

Sasuke gave him a fierce glare, and asked angrily. "How the hell are you so strong?"

"Time travel." Naruto answered. "You see, at age sixteen, after being betrayed by both you and Sakura, I used a time travel jutsu to come back in time and prevent it. Because I remembered everything that I knew in my old life, I knew how to make myself stronger sooner, and this is the result." Sasuke gave him a look of open shock, before his eyes narrowed and he yelled.

"If you didn't want to tell me fine, but don't make up stupid stories to insult me, Dobe!" Naruto just shrugged. It wasn't his fault that no one believed the truth, although it might have been smarter just to use the plothole excuse; people just seemed to accept that answer. Still, maybe it was time to tell everyone about the fox. They hadn't seemed all that bothered by it the first time around, and maybe it would get Sasuke to stop being such a dick about him being stronger.

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1. Yes, I'm aware that there is nothing to imply Mito Uzumaki had any siblings, but in the same token there is nothing to imply that she didn't.

2. Hot Springs Country

3. Remember, he was unconscious the first time around at this point.

4. zoochat DOT com, then add /198/yellow-mongoose-153898/, or for the long way zoochat DOT com, click gallery, go down to united kingdom under europe heading and click, click on Dudley Zoological Gardens Gallery, skip to page 40, and scroll down and click on yellow mongoose

5. Yes, this is exactly who you think it is.

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**Omake**

Madara Uchiha- or at least the bloke pretending to be him at the moment- was sitting at his dinner table looking rather depressed as he waited on dessert. He was rather thankful that no one could see his face behind the mask, because it would be marred by a rather childish pout...and for good reason. Since his Tobi persona wasn't a full fledged member of Akatsuki, he was stuck at the 'kiddie table' with the other flunkies of the group. He couldn't wait until one of the others died so he could take their place, and he really hoped that it was Kakuzu since he was the one who'd come up with the concept of a 'kiddie table'.

Still, given that they were all S-rank ninja, it was likely going to be a while before one of them actually shuffed their mortal coil. At that realization, Madara glared down at his empty plate, his reflection staring back at him. What made this even worse, was that the 'grown up table' had those cherry tomatoes that he loved so much. It wasn't fair. Not only was he stuck at the kiddie table, but he was being banned from eating tomatoes. With Pein being the 'leader' of Akatsuki, he had to follow his rules, and one of those was that he was forbidden from eating tomatoes after his last episode ruined Kakuzu's birthday party.

Madara's frownish pout turned to a scowl when the gluttonous man next to him- who was already on his fifth helping- reached across his place setting to grab some kind of red and black powdered condiment, rather than ask him to pass it to him. The man was very lucky his place was empty, because if the fucker's oversized robe sleeve had touched his food, there would have been a fight. As the man's fat, grubby fingers passed back into his vision, his eye caught sight of the name of the condiment...Tomato Pepper. Now Madara didn't know what it was, or where it came from, but the name alone further soured his mood.

With something akin to severe annoyance, he watched as the man unscrewed the top, only to frown himself at the red and black flecks that had occumulated on top of the shaker. Madara was shocked when the man turned in his direction, and blew on said top to clear it of debris...right into Madara's face. Now, had this been any other time, and any other kind of powder being blown, the man would have gotten a kunai in the neck for his arrogance and offense. Unfortunately, this was not another time, and this was tomato pepper blown in his face; tomato pepper that he somehow breathed in despite his mask.

Now the pepper alone would have made Madara sneeze, but the tomato aspect of the powder turned what would have been a minor nose irritation into a severe allergic reaction. The sneezing fit that followed nearly toppled him out of his seat, and only his many years as a ninja kept him upright. When the fit slowed to a severe nose itch, Madara grabbed a napkin, and wiped both his runny eyes and nose; hating that he had to lift his mask to do so, even if just a little. Upon finishing, he looked down at his plate and saw his own wrecked face staring back at him; again, disturbingly enough, as if his mask wasn't there. The look of someone suffering severe influenza stared back at him, and he absently noticed that his Sharingan had activated at some point during the fit.

Suddenly, another fit took him, and he once again struggled to stay in his seat. After the fit supsided, and he again cleaned himself up, he looked down at his plate induced reflection. Madara barely had time to notice that his Mangekyo Sharingan had activated before another monster of a sneeze hit, his eye started bleeding, and the world began to blur away.

When the world came back into focus, the man found himself in one of the last places he wanted to be. The red moon in the sky casting a red light throughout the cloudy atmosphere. The background cloaked in a blood-red appearance, and he himself depicted in an inverted grey scale. Madara groaned at the fact that he'd somehow cast the Tsukiyomi on himself. But this was far from the worst part of his current predicament.

No, the worst part was that he found himself once again in his teenage body; the very same body he'd had when he'd been left for dead. Not only that, but he also suddenly found himself face to face with a love struck Orochimaru, who had fangirl hearts in his eyes. To his horror, Orochimaru made a trio of handseals, and suddenly dozens of clones joined him. Then, with another seal sequence that he didn't recognize, they all simultaneously performed a jutsu while the original Orochimaru screamed...

"Harem Jutsu: Yaoi Obsession Version!" ...and each Orochimaru was covered in smoke. When the smoke cleared, all copies of the former member of the Sannin reappeared wearinn nothing but a pink thong bikini. To Madara's horror, the original once again spoke. "Don't worry Madara-sama, for the next 72 hours, we're going to make you feel good."

And with that, they all swarmed him. Madara could only scream in horror.

Outside of the Tsukiyomi, through the dining room door, and down at the end of the hall, one could find Nagato sitting on the floor, reminiscing on the good times, and playing with the K'nex set that his former sensei and mentor had gotten him during their first year of training together. The man's current project- since he'd finished his scale model of Ame last night- was eight inch tall models of the biju. Nagato had just finished putting the finishing touches on the Rokubi, and set it aside to start on the Shichibi when there was a knock on his door.

"What is it?" He called.

"Leader-sama, I think someone needs to take Tobi to the hospital." Sasori said after knocking on the leader's office door in that particular hideout, and getting an answer.

"And why is that?" The Deva path of Pein asked having opened the door enough to look out.

"Well, he started having a severe sneezing fit." The puppet master explained. "Then his eye started bleeding, and a few moments later he screamed and went catatonic. He hasn't responded to anything since."

"Fine, have Kakuzu and Hidan take him." Pein said. "Since the old zombie is always bitching about our finances, he can take him and find a cost effective doctor."

**Omake 2**

If I hadn't made Sasuke not a dick.

"Hey Itachi, are you still planning to let your brother kill you?" Itachi's face, for the first time in years, showed an emotion...complete shock. "Yeah, not a really good idea."

"How do you-"

"I came from the future after falling into a massive plothole, and I've seen how things turn out." Naruto said. "Would you like to know how Sasuke repays your sacrifice? Well, first he defects to Orochimaru, yeah, that Orochimaru. The next time we see him, he's wearing something that looked like a yaoi fangirl created it, and he's all 'I've burned all my bridges' apathetic. Fast forward, you two fight, you die just as you plan, and then shit goes crazy. Madara gets to him first, and weaves this cute little tale of how the Uchiha Clan has been betrayed by Konoha, making himself out to be a fucking hero, the lone voice of reason.

Then once he's got your stupidly gullible little brother under his thumb, he tells him all about the massacre, and again makes the Uchiha seem like the good guys. The result, Sasuke ends up just as twisted as he is, and decides to take revenge on Konoha. I could have stopped him, but one of his former fangirls, one who we'd thought had gotten over that stupidity, decides that she's still in love with him, and drugs me. Sasuke then kills her after using a jutsu to incapacitate me. It was only luck that he was to busy giving me 'Uchihas are superior' speech Number 11, and wasn't paying attention to where he was going. He tripped, fell, and we both fell into the plothole. Sasuke died in suffering, but my Uzumaki sturdiness saved me, and sent me back in time to my younger body.

So tell me, do you still really want to let your brother kill you, and risk him becoming stupid again?"

Needless to say, Sasuke would not survive his fight with Itachi.

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**Ending Thoughts:** Naruto/Hinata shippers rejoice. This pairing is as official as you can get with the cover of Volume 64 of the series (image search 'naruto volume 64 cover'). At this point, the only way this pairing doesn't happen- even if them being a couple is not shown- is if Hinata or Naruto dies.


End file.
